Ego’s god:You are worthy of love only if…

The Presence Process is bringing up for me what seems to be the root trauma. One would think that  being subjected to severe abuse and insanity would be it – but I am shown that what I have done to myself because of it has done the real harm. The stories we tell ourselves about our identity, and the reasons we make up to rationalize what happened –  is the root trauma, and carries the emotional charge which I these days am in the process of integrating.

When my father – who was the symbol for God ( that is, the god of the ego, not God as the Course talks about God) is sitting beside me when I was as a little school girl and is explaining things for me – like arithmetics or history – and I do not immediately understand it – the immediate impression is that I am a failure who just lost my right to live. I am stupid, no, an idiot, a changeling ( I am not worthy of being his child) and unworthy. My salvation – I think – lies in the only possibility to live up to his expectations and standard: unique, interesting, artistic and very very special. My intellect shall shine. Nobody mentions the word heart at all. I shall shine and twinkle – but never more than him. Beware of this balance. HE is the only god. Just as my father had learned from his father – and so on –

My error lies in the fact that I have allowed these thoughts to guide and direct my life, as TRUTH – and having given these thoughts value.These are the thoughts and guiding lines for a perfect woman that I have stretched for – and by god, I have succeeded! I am interesting and special  – and this old ideal is as far from Truth as possible.

I have truly believed that my salvation has lied in meeting these standards from my father – and therefore has also believed  unconsciously that these are the standards that God sets up for me. If my father judges me as stupid and unworthy, certainly God does it too.

If I succeed in filling the standards, then maybe I will go to heaven when I die – but each time I fail – or tell myself that I fail – hell is grinning toward me, and I nod my head and agree that I need to be punished.

My father’s harsh expectations is an expression of love, the way he learned it. When the child needs unconditional love, and receives this regime of expectations, s/he assumes that it is love – and s/he will, until she knows better, follow the recipe for getting it. S/he will also search for similar father-substitutes who will put her in the same situation, so she thinks she can have a chance of fixing it.

Thank God I don’t to that any more

And it all comes from me choosing to believe ego’s demands as the way to salvation – as we all do, until we learn to see through the lies and stories.

1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Mona Gustafson Affinito
    Apr 09, 2013 @ 02:41:32

    Powerful. Thanks for sharing.


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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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