Mother-daughter-guilt-games

Dream: I am in an unfathomable big crowd. We are all going home. We come to a place where before us is a black vertical rugged topography – it seems that millions has slid down here and quite probably perished at the bottom. It’s about 11 – 12 feet, moist, slicker. I see some persons slid down there, and it seems to be a narrow crack at the bottom, filled with water – and people disappear down there, although that is an impossible physical act.

I am arm in arm with my mother, who died from ALS almost 40 years ago. She slides down and disappears  in the crevice. I can hear her voice, muffled under water – she is deadly frightened – “help my mom!” I cry out, and somebody is willing and slides down to her. Suddenly I am down there too, and take her hand that sticks up from the water – and easily drag her up into safety.

As awake,I have several insights now:

I have been playing out her guilt in my childhood – that’s why she turned away when I was gang raped as 4 years old. And I turned away from her when I gave birth to my daughter: I did not see her and talk to her for 4 years until she died from ALS. I have a clear connection to her soul now – how she blames herself and holds on to tremendous guilt. And while she talks a great clarity comes to me, and I speak to her and say:

All that has happened has happened in a dream – and it was never real. The way to awaken now is to notice when pain is here and acknowledge it, and at the same time watch it with Jesus – with Love. We – humanity- have created this dream to atone for guilt – and we created this world with bodies to fly into. God is not inside this dream – He is outside it. At Home. If God had created this reality, He would be insane. He isn’t – you know He isn’t .

My mother agrees. I feel it very clearly in the mind: we simply connect. Beautiful release in both.

For a long while I see my mother take notes while I speak. “Acknowledge that God could never have created this mess. It is my/your dream – I am willing to wake up, have my perception corrected – I am willing to put all my beliefs on God’s altar. I am willing to see the truth about What I am instead of the illusion I think I have made.”

I see my mom jumping up and down in joy: she gets it.

The chronic pain in my lungs has to do with energy I subconsciously took from you to control you in some  subtle way – to punish you fro sure, to have “a hold” on you – a cord. I forgive myself for these choices. I forgive each and every role we played out together to keep this insane dream-scenario. I am willing to let them all go. Holy Spirit, I am allowing you to heal all of this now.

The pain in the solar plexus now is so strong that I will end this and go and SIT with it. WITH Love.

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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