Apperances- phantom pains

“The Atonement does not make holy. You were created holy. It merely brings unholiness to holiness; or what you made to what you are. Bringing illusion to truth, or the ego to God, is the Holy Spirit’s only function.” T-14.IX.1:1-4 “The Atonement is so gentle you need but whisper to it, and all its power will rush to your assistance and support.” T-14.IX.3:2

I quote from Nouk Sanchez’ Forgiveness process on her website:

1.      I acknowledge that I am not at peace, so I must be wrong-minded. And I want to be at peace so I ask Spirit to help me look at my mind.


2.      I remember that any sign of threat, pain, sickness, conflict, or scarcity is not God’s Will. I acknowledge this is the ego in my mind. I remember that I must deny the ego’s appearances and focus on the Love that is Truth, beyond all appearances.


3.      I invite You (Spirit) to look at these fears and judgments with me. I will not judge myself or another while we do this. I will leave a space of total non-judgment, so you can fill it with Love and healing.


4.      As we look together, I say to myself with sincerity, “Even while this appears as a problem, and despite feeling fear, pain, anxiety, unworthiness, anger, guilt, or doubt – I open myself to receive healing through the miracle, in this instant.”


5.      Trust only in God’s Love. God is in everything I see, because God is in my mind. Together, we look past ego appearances as they represent our unconscious wishes with the ego. In looking past appearances we join with God (light) in asking to perceive only what is true, beyond ego appearances (darkness). God is in everything I see, because God is in my mind; and what God sees through my mind is therefore healed! Do not doubt this. This is forgiveness. Trust and doubt cannot co-exist and Love without trust is impossible.


Lately, two angry quarrelsome guys have disturbed a group I Love. One of these guys gave me such an offensive question that I feel nausea when i think about it. AND this is a great forgiveness opportunity, isn’t it!

I prayed for help to see him with the eyes of Love. It felt like veils were being drawn apart, and I saw the figure of “The Spirit of Christmas”in the old version of  Scrooge-films.The appearance of a guy filled with intense contempt crumbled – and I denied the ego’s appearances.

A little later, the thoughts went back to the guy, and the appearances were there again. And  thought came from Blue: “Appearances can be felt in the nervous system, just as a phantom pain after an amputated gangrened limb.”

That is so very helpful for me. The appearance is here – AND so is Love, right behind it. AND I truly want to wake up MORE than I want to be justly pissed, more than i want to make somebody else “guilty.”

Calling for help

This is a poem by Ylva Eggehorn:

Stand still within the pain, rooted in
that which is light in you

let the sword go through you
maybe it isn’t a sword at all

Maybe it is a tuning fork
you become a tone

You become the music you always
yearned to hear

You did not know you were a song

For the last month or so an old pattern has resurged: paranoia. Noia has the ability to paint up graphic films of disaster in minute detail. You see them, you feel them, they feel real without question, you are expecting these dark threats to manifest any moment – and then you start to prepare for them, making them real.

I recognize that in my childhood, it was reasonable to be alert and look for signs that my father would go from Dr.Jekyll to Mr.Hyde-mode: there was a faint hope that one could close the door to the insane dark energy that directed his acts. I am sure I frantically asked for help – and since i was used to identify myself with “deeply unworthy and sinful and guilty,” I denied my true nature. When we do that, we believe in lies – and thats where the intervention comes from.

What we believe in becomes true and real for us

I have in the last month worked together with a great guy on a project – and on the web. And the paranoia had spun out the most outlandish scenarios about his relationship to me: I have told stories about how he hates me and is just waiting to explode and blame me for being over-demanding and expecting the impossible. Thanks to the levels of awakeness I have been aware of this disaster-making in the mind, and each time forgiven the fear-scenarios: if God is Love, these thoughts of fear belong to the ego thought-system and are not true.

And I have witnessed again and again that what I have feared, has NOT been correct at all – it has been just my paranoid mind spinning out the old “believe the worst and prepare for it.”

What has been helpful these last days in dispersing the paranoid stories is to deeply see and be with the old terror – as a bodily emotional imprint. Being still, as Eggehorn writes in her wonderful poem – and anchor myself in Truth.

Sometimes the terror-levels are so high that I cant sense “that which is light in you” – and then I truly need to surrender all “my” knowing and stories and trust that my true nature – The Christ/Buddha nature/Self, call it what you will –  IS there despite the appearances of enormous pain and tensions – I set an intention to allow It to just BE. Sometimes there is a subtle shift – and there is truly a resting within the pain, and an anchoring in Self.

I am forgiving myself for still dreaming up the paranoic stories – but see them clearly for what they are – appearances, illusions, depending on my belief to seem real. In this last month, I have repeatedly seen through them – the guy loves to work with me, is dedicated to do it correctly – and all it takes to spin myself into paranoia is to pick up on some irritation in the way he communicates and take it personal.

Taking it personal: that is the essence of the pain in all abuse-scenarios: we think it is a personal me that the terror is happening to. We think it happens  because something about us – ( and no wonder, that’s what the abuser tells us – again and again). It is not about us: it happens because of unbearable split-off pain in the abusers mind, that they project on us: now the suffering victim is replaced and projected outside themselves, into a child.

What the child receives is their pain, their guilt,their shame,their shock, their hate, their disgust,their need for revenge.

That is the psychological explanation of it.

From the Course’s view it is different:

The mind outside time and space is as God/Love created it: Spirit – whole and innocent. There is only ONE mind – seemingly fragmented into humans and stones and kittens and stars. Choosing to believe that it is possible to be separate from our Source – and believing in this tiny mad idea, that the Course calls it – creates the world, or the dream that we are dreaming up. And when we, as Gods Son, choose to believe that we really are a separate “me,” we feel a deep terror for God’s anger and revenge. This is the ego’s god – and as separate, we do believe we are egos.

And this is one of the hardest things to learn to accept in the Course: everything that happens to us, we ask for – we even want. The ego – which we now identify with – wants torture and abuse: it proves that it IS a separate entity, and that it in fact has robbed God of His power.

“Holy Son of God, choose again” says the Course. “Remember Who you are: you had a silly thought – a tiny mad idea – that separation could be possible. It is but a dream, and you can choose instead to be Who you are: Spirit,healed and whole and innocent.

And so – the only thing we really forgive, are our own deluded perceptions and thoughts.

When the paranoia has entered this month, I have chosen to know I am wrong in my insane perceptions. I have to be, since God did not create them. And each time, Phil has shown that my fantasies are just that – and old bundle of fear-thoughts in the mind. Still there are energies connected to the paranoia that I habitually identify as “mine” – I still think I am this body, where the sensations are – but standing still and letting the stories go, rooted in the light/Self is my trusted way of awakening.

Outside time and space

It is so clear this morning: everything that goes on in my mind, I am dreaming up. I am projecting all of it from the mind into this so called separated dream-figure Leelah. And I don’t want to do it any more. And I can’t believe I haven’t seen it before! It is SO clear. I am so happy to see how clear it is.

All this chaos – all this confusion and foreseeing disasters – I don’t want to do it anymore.

This is the part of the forgiveness-process where choosing Love comes in. Just seeing that I am wrong that these thoughts and projections come from fear and unreality and have no value for me. What DO I want? I want to be steeped in the peace of God. In the joy of God.He has given these gifts to me and everyone, He does not take gifts back. I want them. I allow them.

Right now – and I know that the state of being that I am in now probably won’t be lasting -I know that “attackers” is an impossible idea in the mind that I have believed, choosing ego as my teacher.

The knowing right now – that Leelah is a figure in a dreamt-up reality,  is crystal clear.

Somehow I know that this is not a permanent state of mind for me yet – that’s why I have this blog: to write it down – it has really happened.

My father’s cupboard

The wonderful wasp remover Day – yes, his name is really Day – arrived today and reported about a big nest inside the cupboard on the veranda. He took care of the gas extermination of the community inside the cupboard and told me that the ones who were out looking for food would die when they entered the nest.

It was then that I noticed yet another nice symbol: that cupboard is made by my abusive father. These wasps/poisonous stingers/ lives in his space that he made.

And now Day has removed their nest and i will certainly throw that cupboard away. I am willing to part with all the beliefs in fear,insanity and attack that he shared with me, and that I now see as ideas in the mind only.

What is real is Love – the very Space all this is seen to arise in –

I forgive myself for still wanting this dream, and notice how wondrous the results are as soon as I go back to the mind and am willing to change my beliefs and thoughts.

And I don’t need to change them – that’s the sweetness of it – just give that little willingness to have it changed for me by the Love in my mind.

I notice more clearly how, when I seem to see an obnoxious person, or instantly judge somebody in the media, that I am inside my old warped perception, coming from fear – and the minute I am willing to see this person differently, Love wells up inside and I recognize that I am in my own dream.


The signals lately of irritation have been huge.

In a Forum, just the other day, all the members were being verbally abused by a person whose vocabulary showed a remarkable variation in  imaginative and very graphic descriptions of lover body-parts. He let it all hang out, and his self-hatred were projected on us.

I knew inside that I was asked to pay attention to what this was mirroring in me – and knew that it had to do with the dream about the irritation: that which made interruptions all the time – that which wanted  and needed to express RIGHT NOW.

I go out on the veranda to roll down the solar protection. Suddenly a swarm of wasps surround me – I run inside and close the door and windows. Looking out, i see that they live in an old cupboard for tools on the veranda. Now that is a good  reflection of the toxicity inside the mind: I want to find the thoughts in the mind that I still believe are truth.

So today, in wonderful timing, I Skyped with Caren, who was kind enough to step into the role of the one who irritated me.Or an old crushed part of me, as it turned out to.

That foul-spewing guy on the Forum mirrored this part exactly, as I found out today.

When Caren asked me if i could allow the awareness to expand, this old part snapped: “Don’t tell me what to do!”

I choose to allow its anger to freely be expressed. It spoke from an identity who never could say no or “go away” or “stop” or “fuck you” or “too much” or leave me alone or I’ll kill you!” Expressing these borders was not an option for this one – because the price would be to be cast out of the family unit, and wander the word as the most shameful person evvver.

So when Caren invites me to let it out, it is at first impossible –  the feeling of condemnation and  shame is overwhelming: “What a naughty obnoxious girl you are! You really deserve to die, horrible scum you are!” But nudged to do what I really would have loved to do, I notice that I would have liked to do exactly what the invective-spewer did yesterday on the Forum ( and for which he was banned from the Forum by the administration.)

I would like to yell and scream and be violent and hurt and see people suffer and that it lasted for a long very long time, and then i would leave them to suffer and enjoy their screams for a very very long time, thank you.

It is allowed now – the sickness rises almost to vomiting.

Shut up! don’t say anything! Give me space! Step back! Don’t even open your mouth! Don’t tell me what to do or think or how to be! Don’t tell me how to be! Shut up!Don’t look at me! Don’t poke me!! Its too much too much! Don’t interrupt me! Listen!

The overwhelm is absolute in this child – and all was repressed and denied. No wonder the poison grew in that not-allowed space

The door is opened now. Expressions is allowed, and there is no condemnation and no shame. *

I phone a pest removal firm, and talk to a man who has visited me before, removing a huge wasp nest. He does not hate them, and has the loveliest energy.

Feeling fully what the wasps symbolized took care of yet another repressed part. It all is such a blessed process

The green stuff

I am posting this with kind permission from Susan Ayres:

“A couple of weeks ago I came across this clip from Comedy Bang Bang (a tv show based on a podcast). The content of the clip is mildly funny but what really struck me was the visuals. The characters, objects, background, etc. are all in green for later cgi. It’s a cooking scene, so all the ingredients, tools, appliances, finished product even what the cooks are wearing can be digitally added later.

I often use the analogy of acting against a green screen to help me disassociate what i “see” out there from what i’m feeling. To help me understand “I am not upset for the reason i think i am.” I imagine saying my lines and emoting to a green screen with the expectation that the director will add the scary monster or other actors later. But at that moment there’s nothing there–just me reacting to nothing. Then i can look at my reactions, emotions and do my forgiveness work.

This clip takes it even further. Now most of the actors are dressed in green-or part of the “green screen” or part of “nothing.” It’s really helping me to understand that my body too is part of the dream, the projection of the mind.


“Is it true our destiny is to turn into light?”

Maureen Flemings site:

The hidden sentence


My daughter and I are hanging out with a young girl, about 22 years old. So very likable. There is something that young girl refuses to look at inside herself. She complains that people use to interrupt her when she speaks. I tell her that it is something inside her that really has an irritating energy, and that whenever she touches it subconsciously and energetically, people pick it up and stops her by interrupting her. “But it is really YOU who thinks this is so irritating” I say, and there comes a light in her eyes. She tells us that this is very painful, and my daughter says: You know, I know what you are talking about – when I visited the Torture Center at the University, I…” then her boyfriend enters the room, and my daughter is interrupted and becomes quiet as a mouse.

The young girl starts to talk, and I interrupt her. And now, when typing those words, the telephone interrupted me!! (There was nobody at the other side.)

WOW – pay attention to this theme, Leelah –

I tell the girl, “Even I interrupted you now! What is the sentence you were going to say right now when I interrupted you?”

Suddenly we see the girl inside a large cage. The door is open. She is happy, because she has now received the necessary impulse to start unravel this old story where something has been hidden for so long. And the cage – (door open, she CAN leave) is a safe place to be. She has lived there for so long…

“You can unravel it outside the cage to, sweetie” I tell her – I take her hand to lead her toward me, and in her hand is a paper with her story. Its a very short story.

A narrow strip of paper -one sentence – is ripped off when I take her hand. One short sentence of her story, carrying the hidden, the denied.

“What is the one sentence you are ripping away?” I ask her – “What are these words that has been impossible to know about?”

In this moment there is an intense shooting pain in my left leg, like a lightning, and I wake up.

I ask for help to see clearly. A memory comes: my husband, daughter and I are hiking in a wood. We are looking for chanterelles and berries. My daughter,  then maybe 5 – 6 years old, starts to scream violently and tells us that something mean has bitten her/stung here. There is no sign on her hand. She is completely inconsolable. It lasts for a long time, and we return home, because she is so afraid of the mean thing that has stung her.

I have thought of this many times – and believe that whatever that crying was about, the sting just released an old agony that could find no other outlet than something “physical.” Living in the constant pressure/tensions that was there between my husband I me – both with tons of baggage from our childhood  –  left her with no words to express the pain.

That makes me think about one time I was stung by a wasp in a finger when I was 3-4, and my mother took time to comfort me and read for me. Now she knew what my agony was about, and could give me what I needed – but the real pain was about all the horrors that nobody ever talked about under the nice façade. And nobody could talk about them: they were so well hidden for us all.

If there were ONE sentence that could express the agony – what would it be? I wonder. For me, that sentence maybe something like “I have to squelch this tremendous pain, otherwise…” and the alternative seems to be murder or suicide, no other options.

And there is lots of guilt there..

This is how close I get for now. And for those who may read this – I wonder if you may have such a sentence yourself, that attracts interruption for others? or just plain ignoring? If you know of one such sentence, maybe you could post it here, as a commentary? It might be helpful to open these deep pockets of repressed stuff in the collective mind.

Afterword in the evening:

My daughter and beau visited me today. As I was telling my daughter the dream, her beau came  into the kitchen and interrupted me by hugging me and thanking for the meal we just ended.


Corrected Kindle version of Healing Crisis published today

For those who bought the former Kindle-version of Healing Crisis and experienced the corruption of the file, here is the link to the new and corrected file. Oh what a feeling that it has been thoroughly corrected

And here’s the link to the blog where you can read about the books:


Lace tea

Lace tea is gentle and feminine, you drink it with leasure. Google Translate just translated leasure with pleasure.Nice try.

Happy tea time everyone. May it reflect the beauty you most need to digest

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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