The hidden sentence


My daughter and I are hanging out with a young girl, about 22 years old. So very likable. There is something that young girl refuses to look at inside herself. She complains that people use to interrupt her when she speaks. I tell her that it is something inside her that really has an irritating energy, and that whenever she touches it subconsciously and energetically, people pick it up and stops her by interrupting her. “But it is really YOU who thinks this is so irritating” I say, and there comes a light in her eyes. She tells us that this is very painful, and my daughter says: You know, I know what you are talking about – when I visited the Torture Center at the University, I…” then her boyfriend enters the room, and my daughter is interrupted and becomes quiet as a mouse.

The young girl starts to talk, and I interrupt her. And now, when typing those words, the telephone interrupted me!! (There was nobody at the other side.)

WOW – pay attention to this theme, Leelah –

I tell the girl, “Even I interrupted you now! What is the sentence you were going to say right now when I interrupted you?”

Suddenly we see the girl inside a large cage. The door is open. She is happy, because she has now received the necessary impulse to start unravel this old story where something has been hidden for so long. And the cage – (door open, she CAN leave) is a safe place to be. She has lived there for so long…

“You can unravel it outside the cage to, sweetie” I tell her – I take her hand to lead her toward me, and in her hand is a paper with her story. Its a very short story.

A narrow strip of paper -one sentence – is ripped off when I take her hand. One short sentence of her story, carrying the hidden, the denied.

“What is the one sentence you are ripping away?” I ask her – “What are these words that has been impossible to know about?”

In this moment there is an intense shooting pain in my left leg, like a lightning, and I wake up.

I ask for help to see clearly. A memory comes: my husband, daughter and I are hiking in a wood. We are looking for chanterelles and berries. My daughter,  then maybe 5 – 6 years old, starts to scream violently and tells us that something mean has bitten her/stung here. There is no sign on her hand. She is completely inconsolable. It lasts for a long time, and we return home, because she is so afraid of the mean thing that has stung her.

I have thought of this many times – and believe that whatever that crying was about, the sting just released an old agony that could find no other outlet than something “physical.” Living in the constant pressure/tensions that was there between my husband I me – both with tons of baggage from our childhood  –  left her with no words to express the pain.

That makes me think about one time I was stung by a wasp in a finger when I was 3-4, and my mother took time to comfort me and read for me. Now she knew what my agony was about, and could give me what I needed – but the real pain was about all the horrors that nobody ever talked about under the nice façade. And nobody could talk about them: they were so well hidden for us all.

If there were ONE sentence that could express the agony – what would it be? I wonder. For me, that sentence maybe something like “I have to squelch this tremendous pain, otherwise…” and the alternative seems to be murder or suicide, no other options.

And there is lots of guilt there..

This is how close I get for now. And for those who may read this – I wonder if you may have such a sentence yourself, that attracts interruption for others? or just plain ignoring? If you know of one such sentence, maybe you could post it here, as a commentary? It might be helpful to open these deep pockets of repressed stuff in the collective mind.

Afterword in the evening:

My daughter and beau visited me today. As I was telling my daughter the dream, her beau came  into the kitchen and interrupted me by hugging me and thanking for the meal we just ended.


3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. jacalyn2013
    Jul 17, 2013 @ 02:43:22

    Here is a reoccurring one for me: You’d better not share your truth,
    because you will be punished, or at the very least, rejected yet again.


  2. Mona Gustafson Affinito
    Jul 17, 2013 @ 06:51:56

    Leelah, this is awesome, in the original sense of the word.


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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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