Entrance light

In the night, clear thoughts: “Pain is just a projection from a painful mind. But it cannot be true: God did not create it. Its just a signal of what is in my mind -still judged, still unforgiven.

Late afternoon same day:

The automatic entrance light did not turn itself on today, even though it was dark 2 hours ago. I looked at it and heard a thought: “I don’t need to believe in these projections any longer.”

Same second,  peace washed over me and the light went on

Empty tomb

Guest post from Nichola. Our intention with our work is to allow old blocks to Love to be brought to the Light of Love, or Holy Spirit. This is how Nichola experienced it:

Yesterday I had a Skype session with Leelah.

The first thing I tell her was that I am feeling heavy – the heavy feeling has been with me all day.

The she asks me to describe it – I see a big heavy stone dragging me down, pulling me into the earth.

She asks: If it could be a person or a character what would it be?

I see a cartoon figure – it is a figure from a childhood bible called

Good News for Modern Man I didn’t like those graphics when I was a child.

Leelah ask me where it is:

The figure is sitting on a rock outside of a cave. I realize that it is sitting outside of the tomb of Jesus, but in fact the tomb is empty – it is completely hollow. That is because there never was any Jesus in the tomb, I realize. Nobody died for my sins – that was just a story. My body now feels hollow, like the tomb and the heaviness has dropped away. What a big surprise – nobody died for my sins and I am not guilty – it was just a story (laughing a little and enormously relieved and free feeling.

Leelah asks me if I can invite Love into the hollow tomb and the hollow space in my body.

My arms and legs are filled with golden light and my hands are buzzing with energy – I see that they are holding balls of golden light.

Leelah asks me where I want to put this light and I say into my heart and chest.

When I do this I see that inside the chest is like an abandoned cave – – a broken and sorrowful place.

As I bring the energy in from my hands, torches are lit up on the walls and everything starts to feel more comfortable and soft.

Leelah asks me if I see anyone. I see a woman with long blonde hair lying on a stone bed – at first I wonder if she is dead but I see that she is sleeping.

Leelah asks if she could be me, and I say yes. She is me but also she has been around a long time, a lot longer than me, and these two things do not seem to contradict each other.

Leelah asks is she has anything to say to me and I say yes – she asks me to love myself.


Then Leelah shows me how to be witness for her and I feel a little inadequate but try my best anyway. She is feeling a cold pain and a kind of metal band across her shoulders and a wave of black anger coming up.

Then she sees the tomb and enters it. Lots of hysterical giggling as the tomb is full of playful angels – angels pulling funny faces at her, pulling at their cheeks with their hands. We are both laughing a lot at this – and the idea that this story of our guilt and the tomb is just that – a story that the angels can make such a fun joke about.

After this:

Nichola is sending me 9 empty emails. When I ask her to look what they really say, she tells me that maybe they are 9 empty tombs.


We really need to get it hammered in, don’t we!


The idea of  a Son of God dying to save humanity is alive in Christians. This blog does not in any way want to mock the Christian religion – or any religion at all – just present Leelah’s path to awakening. That started in Protestantism, went deep into Catholicism, then into Mystery Schools of Kabbalah, Sufism and Advaita Vedanta. In those years I experienced these traditions in my own life, and one brought me harmoniously into the next – until I ended up with A Course in Miracles which shows us in clear detail the difference between illusions and reality.  Reality, The Course holds, is our Oneness with God – and the world with its individuals and thought-system of separation belongs to the Dream we all are dreaming – where the seemingly separated persons are nothing else than an outer picture of wrong-minded thoughts. As we notice these thoughts and forgive them, the outer world will start to mirror our healed state of mind, and the consequence is that we start to see through the old stories of pain, punishment and darkness.

The Course hold also that it is just one of hundreds thought-systems/religions which all will take us Home – the Course just lets us know that it is the fastest way. And I do want that 🙂


The pressure in the night is immense. I ask to know what it is about, and fall asleep and have this dream:

I have to make a puppet for my exam. I have 1 day to make it, and run around trying to find the best materials. It feels like walking through glue, and I find nothing. The pressure lies in me trying to upholding this job of being a puppet maker -in Course-terms, a lover of separation.

Why do I want to make puppets when I can allow my Glorious Self? Oh.Just a habit. And  a habit that arises from a life long struggle to be this Leelah-puppet / a separate me/an impossibility. I saw that well enough in the process with Ilona and Liberation Unleashed.

Spirit, I am willing to lay down my materials. Please show me how to be Who I am.

“The job is to try to be Who you are not. Smile at the futility of the job assignment you have given yourself.”

I am remembering Stephen Levine’s mode of being from the video I saw yesterday. He talked about pain. When he did not know what to say, he shut his mouth and waited until he knew. His Self was speaking through him, but at no point did he seem to be “channeling.” Just – present.

Ego  -or separate self – is never present.

The dream of having to make a puppet head for my exam…to stop “making puppets” is the same as noticing the tremendous pressure when it is here and just STOP and SIT and allow it to release. I have always judged letting go as something I cannot do – because I demanded that it should happen instantaneously – if not, it did not work I told myself (well ego did.) Today, after the dream, I let go, and the sensations rolled through in many different flavors – from cold, to shivers, to sickness – but I needed to be present for it for quite some minutes before it stopped.

I observe: “Now I try to maintain a personality which is not Who I am – now I try to “understand” – now I try to do things right – in short, I am trying to be something I am not: the Holy Son of God. Noticing it, I stop  – become still – close my eyes – waiting for impulses from the right mind. In order to do that, I need to STOP and PAUSE as soon as I feel the pressure – the pressure of trying to uphold a false identity. I will put the puppet-material down: the polystyrene, the clay, the wood, the wire,the plaster, the fabrics, the colors, the brushes,the yarn, the lacker. I need to put it down. Finished.  I don’t want to make new puppets – or trying to improve the old one: new paint, new costume, new shine-up. Making a me, maintaining the belief in a separate me, is  not valuable.

The effort  trying to maintain what I am not results in frenzy. Futile.And the stress of trying to maintain this habit is self-torture.This is a job I have given myself (and we all do it)- to be something I am not -and to do something I don’t need to do.To please an angry god that is myself.Torturing myself. And I do it, because when I step out of puppet-making, I feel the first original fear and take it serious.

See this video: Nina Conti knows about this fear

See – right there where Nina has dropped her puppet and feels naked…

I give this moment to HS. Right now stopping – breathing – feeling the fear energy as fire in the solar plexus.Allowing it to heal. Simple.

My sister recently shared with me how she sat with a frenzied   woman’s deathbed.When the talk rose to catastrophic intensity, my sister stroked her brow horizontally ,lightly,with 2 fingers – and that was what was needed to bring the frantic woman to deep rest and peace.

I allow myself to truly take in, experience, the stresslessness of being as God created me.It  in this stresslessness   is the very non-doing that Kit pointed to in our last Skypesharing:  the key to Heaven. Also called Presence:)

Self torturing as a way of living

After the horror-dream yesterday, I had a dream where I shared the awakening with 3 different friends. One ridiculed me, one accepted it completely and one looked skeptic but said nothing.

I contacted the friend in the dream that looked skeptic about the belief that we have a “glorious Self”. Nichola has MS, and has received a harsh Christian upbringing based on concepts of fear and punishment. Blue told me we could work together on weeding out these old concepts of a  god of fear, and we met at Skype today.

I started with the prayer to invite  truth and love into this sharing -process between us, and ask for help to lift into the light any blocks we might have about God as something to fear, and something that punishes. I told Nichola that all that she needed to do, was to be willing to be wrong about her beliefs that God is a God of fear. She said yes – and felt warm glow around the heart.

Nichola shares thoughts that God is punishment,actually

Leelah: So could this MS be punishment?

She says yes – and that it feels like truth,actually. AND she is willing to be wrong about it

Now the glow around the heart moves all through into the limbs

Nichola: “You know, it feels almost like punishment defines who I am.” She starts laughing out loud

Leelah: Laughing – are you punishment, or are you that which is aware of the thought?

Nichola: That which is aware, actually….I had this punishing angry god, and i rejected that god – it’s like I have become that god for myself.Oh my God – I can’t believe it – I have been my own worst torturer –

Leelah: me too. We are not alone in this

And now we just allow the input of loving healing energy to pour through us. It comes as a natural effect from our joint willingness to be wrong about the lies about God – and allowing the shift in energies because of that willingness.

We don’t do the healing – but we have to allow it, choose it.

The rest is up to the Love within.

Showing up as the Glorious Self


Going to bed, I take a glimpse in the note-book beside my bed. I have glued helpful Course- notes in it. I find this from Nouk Sanchez blog: February 20th 2013

“I took myself back to that dreadful scene with the baby. And revisited that moment, in blind terror, where I abandoned both the baby and myself. This time, I was not alone. Spirit was with me.

Here, I wanted to see the essence of what I so badly desired to flee from. I wanted to see what I was resisting. “Spirit, show it to me so it can be brought clearly to the light and released. And let me revisit this dream, only this time let me do it with Love. With a full heart and infinite courage. Teach me, show me, guide me.”

I took myself back to that moment of terror, seeing the baby so helplessly suffering in pain. My grief was overwhelming. “How on earth can I look past ‘appearances’ that are so utterly convincing? What can I do?” I asked Spirit. And suddenly I knew.

To come with wholly empty-hands and open-heart to this present moment. Enter it fully. Surrender my need to do or understand anything. Just be fully present in God’s Grace. And I broke down and sobbed, asking for God’s Loving Will to completely eclipse my mind and heart. More than anything, this is what I wanted. I desired my mind to be healed. Dropping to my knees beside this baby, my surrender melted all illusion. And I knew that we were joined in the blazing light of His Grace. In my defenselessness…I had “Willed with God” in that instant.

Fear disappeared. And Love was all there was. The baby and I were one in that moment. There was no Nouk and no baby. All that remained was what had always been, but I did not recognize until now. Love.”

Somehow I read: “Meeting up in your full Glory.” The words sank softly into my mind.This is what is called for.I know it is Truth.

About 5 am I wake up from a dream. I was walking through an area with a friend where I felt terror and agony emanating from the ground. I stand still and allow myself to pick up what has happened: little boys have been abused and used in satanic rituals. The abusers enjoyment of the boys’ terror is also present – + the collective judgments of such acts and such feelings. I share what I feel with the friend, she denies my sensitivity and belittles me.

I wake up, body saturated with terror and disgust, and ask “Will there ever be an end to such dreams for me?”

I hear Holy Spirit’s calm clear voice: “All that is needed in this situation is that you meet up in your full glory. Meaning that you know Who you are. It is impossible for the Holy Son of God to be without Source/His Creator. He has never moved outside the Thought That created Him.”

In this moment, there is no doubt at all in the mind: I cannot be without my Identity. It is evident. In this moment, I realize that the agonized experience I had in an earlier incarnation – where my soul  was taken and used as an instrument for “evil” –  is just a thought, believed in because of the appearances. And whatever the Son of God believes in, appears to happen.

Thank God it happens just in the Dream of the ego thought-system, where we believe ourselves to be.

I am awake now – seeing the utter silliness in the thought that we can be something that we are not. The body is reflecting the right-minded thoughts: There is a warm light flowing through me, from head to feet, spreading  to the limbs.

I will go back to the story of Leelah – just as Nouk went back to the story about the baby. I ask to be taken back into these images and memories, and showing up in full Glory. What  I see – instead of the familiar memories of group abuse – is  just blazing Light.

I am the dreamer. What I am usually seeing are projections  and falsities from a terrified mind, believing itself to be split off from  a vengeful God.  And here I am now, in my Self. And with an indescribable relief and gratitude I realize that whenever such imprints of terror from the mind may present themselves in my mind, these energies are nothing I need to judge against or protect myself from any longer. The glorious Self CAN NOT be harmed or invaded. I can stay present – and the old impulse to fly from all of this, to defend against it is met with this: Saying yes. Enter it fully. Surrender my need to do or understand anything. Just be fully present in God’s Grace.

Cat and dog people

Please share these priceless hilarious  precise observations of the dog and cat nature


Sharing Joy

This came to my message box on an author forum today where “When fear comes home to Love” is posted to read for other writers:

Hello Leelah,
I have read several chapters at random to get an idea of your writing and story. I am familiar with the Course in Miracles as several people I know have been involved.
After more reading, I will write a formal comment. All I can say at this time is this is the most fully encompassing work I have ever read and is written with such caring and that it cannot be separated from your heart. Love, understood as it must eventually be by consciousness is the thread of which your book is woven. I have already just given all stars to it and I will ask my daughter if she will read and evaluate it also. She may have room on her shelf.
George McLendon

Tears are coming and they don’t seem to stop

What a cleanse this is for me

Benevolent thought


What is the key
To untie the knot of your mind’s suffering?

Is the esoteric secret
To slay the crazed one whom each of us
Did wed

And who can ruin
Our heart’s and eye’s exquisite tender

Hafiz has found
Two emerald words that

That I now cling to as I would sacred
Tresses of my Beloved’s

Act great.
My dear, always act great.

What is the key
To untie the knot of the mind’s suffering?

Benevolent thought, sound
And movement.

~ Hafiz ~

(The Gift – versions of Hafiz by Daniel Ladinsky)

This uncontainable light

Sonnets to Orpheus, Part Two, XXIX
Quiet friend who has come so far,
feel how your breathing makes more space around you.
Let this darkness be a bell tower
and you the bell.  As you ring,
what batters you becomes your strength.
Move back and forth into the change.
What is it like, such intensity of pain?
If the drink is bitter, turn yourself to wine.
In this uncontainable night,
be the mystery at the crossroads of your senses,
the meaning discovered there.
And if the world has ceased to hear you,
say to the silent earth: I flow.
To the rushing water, speak: I am.
~ Rainer Maria Rilke ~
(with kind permission from Joanna Macy)
(In Praise of Mortality, translated and edited by Anita Barrows and Joanna Macy)

The space of Joy that is everpresent

Skyping with Kit

I am exploring an old occurrence – the resistance, when in others’ company, to say the word God or Jesus or Christ. I visited yesterday a lady who rents my parking space in the garage. She had a bad knee so I went over to her for the rent. She was doped by strong painkillers, her knee needed a new operation which she didn’t want to do, she pointed to a big bandage on her chin and said cancer.

There came an impulse to be of help, and I demonstrated a round of EFT, which made her head clear up. I shared that YouTube has lots of EFT tutorials – in short, I taught her ways to help herself.

In the night, talking to Blue, it became clear that what I really had wanted when I was with the lady, was to ask if she wanted me to pray – that is,to share an other space of perception that was available to her if she chose it. And I was shown that believing in my own sacred Christ Self would be very helpful when I was with people in pain and illness. It is of course present always, for everybody – but it would be good for ME to be aware of that, said Blue – because then I would feel safe and not attached to these old archetypes of sin/guilt/fear/shame that creates illness and pain – and i would not be sucked in to other people’s agony – where I am absolute of no use.

Today with Kit, I found an intense longing and wish to know what prevented me to be aware of and believe in God’s presence when I am with other people – or, in the Course’s words, believe in my true identity as God’s One Son. And also what prevented me to utter the word God.

And at the very end of my sharing time came the answer from within:

You believe that you can keep God out – and that makes it true for you.

In the same moment, a loud siren is turned on – signaling to me the complete terror of the original fear of believing that “I” can shut God out. It also made us laugh full heartedly – the thought of God creating a world where his creations could turn against its Creator. Yes, we CAN believe we can do it – and the state of this world shows the consequences of that wrong-minded belief. But it is still an illusion – it is still just a belief to offer to the Holy Spirit for correction.


Kit was sharing her joy in watching colors and structures- and how this deep joy and nurturing, when not understood and shared by others, could make her snap at the other. We realized after a little while that this exquisite joy is present regardless of others not following us. Just as my exquisite joy in God’s Presence has to be just as strong  – even if others react in a negative way.

It simply IS.

In this moment Kit observes a little white puppy on a leash. Its owner drags it along, she wants to look into a shop-window – and the little white puppy  insists of its own pace.

Another beautiful symbol at the very end of our sharing: Kit observes an open window on the other side of the street. It opens into a pitch black room – and in the window sill stands a statue that maybe a bird or an angel.



Previous Older Entries

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

%d bloggers like this: