Loneliness and not knowing what to say

Kit is sharing her way of being with her almost 3 year old son – who is in the period of defiance. As she speaks, and pays attention of how this theme feels in the body, she becomes quiet, and a word comes to me: Loneliness. Kit shares a time when a seer told her that there was much loneliness in her family – both in her parents and herself. She remembers being in a small motorboat with her parents as a 10 year old girl, and being overwhelmed by the feeling of loneliness, and at the same time her throat felt like after drinking milk – phlegm was coming up.

I am aware of the loneliness of the taboo of sharing/talking about feelings – and that this is the very sickness I have felt many mornings now – for some months – this is my own loneliness in the morning, when so much is processed in the night – the loneliness of not connecting to oneself. One feels locked inside

This is the theme that is being played out between Kit and I now – we realize that it is not “our” personal loneliness, but THE loneliness. It is the feeling of having our reactions “locked inside” – that is lonely!

Writing this down, the sickness is strong, and I do not need to be personally obsessed about it: just a general reaction in the human nervous system.

“ That feeling may be what Eddie is experiencing when he can’t get his will” – says Kit.

“ And maybe that again could just be the old pattern you took as yours, there in the boat, and now he picks it up and acts out the helplessness and frustration ?”

“It’s like “original sin.” We identify with whatever is transferred from one family member to another, and then we perceive each other as the separated single atom we are not: When we do that, we are not aware that what happens, happens in the field between us.”

Outside my window, the sky is overclouded – except for two bright spots where the light is shining through. It really looks like there are two separate spots – but that is clearly an illusion. The cloud-material just makes it look like that.

“ Eddie thinks he is an atom – and that I am too – that really makes it lonely – the illusion of “lonely” becomes so strong.”

Just like the overclouded sky looks so convincing and makes us overlook our shining shared eternal Presence behind the clouds. We – humans – believe in the appearance of separation.

Kit shares that just before the bus came, and Eddie had howled the whole way, and she had many times embraced him and carried him, he said: “I am sorry, mommy.”

And she told him she was sorry for having been such an angry and strict mom

*

I recognize how lonely it feels to have lost contact with myself – ourselves – on all those places where the old taboo of sharing existed. I don’t need to know psychological details and fix them – I just need to want that connection. -Saying these words brings up a wave of strong nausea. Kit shares noticing a white piece of plastic looking like a human figure who looks like it is throwing up. I notice the metaphor:  the part that wants to throw up is not real, not a “Leelah” – it is a made-up part –

*

I am mentioning a whole life of believing in “evil spirits” – and therefor having experiences with them that seem real -and that I lately have believed that they are not “stronger”: they can’t be, they are just my/collective projections.

Kit tells me that she believes me when I say that. That means it must be true: she heard me as trustworthy. Even though I don’t seem to believe fully in it yet, my words still conveyed the truth.

And now comes a holy moment of great importance to me: it is Kits time to share.

She shares that right now she does not know what she will share – and realizes that she does not need to know.The value of waiting –  give what needs to emerge T I M E  – trusting it. “It is not I that shall create something – that is the illusion –  it just IS created. It is here. We are being dethroned – the “doer” is undone, and  creation happens. The belief that “I” have to do something creative – as a therapist, for example – is tragic- when all I have to do is trust and wait for what comes up by itself. If I believe in this role – that I have to do something, and do not know what – then I become a failure. What an incredibly unnecessary pain…the belief that I could add or subtract something from what is already here – ah, there is a guilt playing in here.

I, Leelah, am starting to see how valuable trust is in the creative process.

“I want to be an Iconoclast!” says Kit. Me too. Let’s shop those icons – or false idols – down.

“I thought that I needed to know what to say. That’s just not true. The “I” cannot know what to do: the “I” is a thought, and thoughts do not think.

 

 

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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