Two New Entrance Light Teachings

I love these. Some of you will remember that I had quite a few last year, now they start up again. (Write “entrance light” in the search field:))

1)  28. November: Light went out.Fear was felt in the stomach. Doubt: I should not feel this. Then: I choose to disregard the doubt – it is NOT a sign that my true Light has gone out.

Light on

 

2) Today: Light out. I felt a bubbling joy. I told whatever made this happen, “I love you!” And then ” Even if the light goes out forever in you, lamp, the outer light is in no way a reflection of my true inner Light that can NEVER go out.

Light on.

The Split

I listened to Danna Fauld’s poem on a meditation tape in the night – Tara Brach’s – and was taken by these lines in particular ( in italics:)


Awakening Now
 
 Why wait for your awakening?
The moment your eyes are open,
seize the day.  Would you hold
back when the Beloved beckons?
Would you deliver your litany
of sins like a child’s collection
of sea shells, prized and labeled?
“No, I can’t step across the
threshold,” you say, eyes
downcast.  “I’m not worthy.
I’m afraid, and my motives
aren’t pure.  I’m not perfect,
and surely I haven’t practiced
nearly enough.  My meditation
isn’t deep, and my prayers are
sometimes insincere.  I still chew
my fingernails, and the refrigerator
isn’t clean.”  Do you value your
reasons for staying small more
than the light shining through
the open door?  Forgive yourself.
Now is the only time you have
to be whole.  Now is the sole
moment that exists to live in
the light of your true Self.
Perfection is not a prerequisite
for anything but pain.  Please,
oh please, don’t continue to
believe in your disbelief. This
is the day of your awakening.
Danna Faulds
From: Go In and In: Poems From the Heart of Yoga

 This morning I had a Skype sharing with Kit again. I had not planned to say what I said, but out it came. I told her about my clear impression/inner image of an old sourpuss – and how it feels that he has occupied my body and soul. Sometimes he feels so viscerally close that I smell the old tobacco stench from his filthy clothes – as if he is present as an imprint, just invisible.

He hates and sneers at absolutely everything. And – there is something else, something so disgusting about him –  I don’t get it yet …

Sometimes when he is present, I identify with these feelings, his presence – and feel that something is off, since I am not an old hateful man who stinks of tobacco. But “he” does occupy my nervous system. And – I uttered this vehemently  to Kit- I cannot fathom why I hold on to this soul piece to make myself small, as the poem states it.

Kit points to the intensity I say fathom with – filled with judgment and condemnation for myself. It is true: I have such venomous hatred for that part of me who has subjected me to this foreign male drunk-energy or whatever it is.

So instead of trying to figure this out and get rid of it, we agree that we will just BE with it and allow stuff to come as it will – and not judge my condemnation of “him” or myself for having accepted his energy/soul-part.

The minute I accept and don’t try to figure out and resist, I  am back to being 11year old, on the way back from school on my bike together with a class mate. I “see” him crystal clear now: his old dirty thin long gray black coat, and him flashing it open, being naked, and the red strange bulgy looking thingy between his legs – and me wondering what in the world that was – since I had never seen such a thing before.

In this moment there is an avalanche of energy going through me: I HAD seen this thingy since I was born, both my father’s and other men’s – but now I realize the tremendous dissociation in my mind: there was the belief and experience of a “whore-Leelah” –  and this other, “normal” schoolgirl who knew nothing at all about the part that was considered a whore. This 11 year old schoolgirl now saw an erected penis the first time, and had no idea about what that was. I feel her reaction: “What is that? why does he do that? what for?”

This is the tremendous power of the mind to split, to make separate selves.

Kit tells me she get shivers up her legs  – and then her whole body – when I share this. That’s the sign I need that I have touched deeply repressed stuff, allowing it to be seen at last.

As I now see the image from outside, I see an energy transfer from him to the 11 year old me. Just writing this makes me yawn and feel nauseated: I see this soul stuff, this old hateful thought form/whatever we may call it/ coming into me.

At last this has fallen into place: “he” – who might even be the man’s own father’s soul part -is with me.

What I see now is a great insight: his flashing was the first time this “normal” girl-part saw this sexual part of a man. The flasher is bridging the two parts of me – and only when I am 69 years old, do I at last realize the scope of my splitting and repression.These 2 identities had no knowledge of each other.

And right now I think I have to figure this out – otherwise “he” will stay inside my being forever, parasiting  on me –

“Only as long as you believe in it” suggests Kit – “what if we just BE here right now, until something pops up.”

An ocean of grief is seen. And the tensions of having to be prepared for the worst to happen again and again and again.

Kit remembers the Zen Kuan of the gooseling in the bottle – how to get it out of the bottle? The student realizes “it was never inside there in the first place” – and is enlightened.” Leelah, you are saying that you don’t want him there – but what if he never was there,  – you have experienced it, but there exists another dimension where he was never inside you –

You can turn toward the dimension where he was inside you – or you can turn toward the light shining through the open door.”

 Yes I truly can and will

*

Kit shares about a fall-out between herself and her youngest boy who refused putting warm clothes on when leaving the kindergarten – and her ending up with taking him on her lap in the park and force-dressing him – with devastating results for them both – and how she ended up with allowing her son to walk to the bus in his thin clothes. She shared her feeling of helplessness and powerlessness, and found deep feelings of personal shame. She suddenly thought about the flasher and saw the direct connection: when we do not find space for, and accept  the helplessness within ourselves, we give room for the violence and brute force.

The “monster” is really an expression of our deepest despair and powerlessness, and his act is a scream: “help! I am powerless!” We see the universal aspect of powerlessness that we all share – and the shame comes when we take it personally – when it is all about “me.”

Suddenly I see through the appearance of the flasher. There is forgiveness for us both, for everyone who find themselves trapped within a dark emotion that they identify with.

Do you value your reasons for staying small
more than the light shining through the open door?
Forgive yourself.

*

Epilogue:

The morning after writing this, I have dream. I am teaching in a Waldorf School, and the pupils are about 14-15. But there is a little girl among them – maybe 4 years old. She is dressed in a homemade knitted red dress and red dressing and shoes – and she beams at me with such a joy and love, and comes to me and hugs me tenderly. Her love and gratitude enfolds me.

Yesterday I set her free.

November trail in the wood

November trip in the wood

November trip in the wood

On the trail 2On the trail 1

it reminds me of a wallpaper from old days

On the trail 2 – it reminds me of a wallpaper from old days

What You Are Really Afraid of

Exchanging Reality for Dreaming

Baby in the way

In the food market, a tiny toddler – just learned to walk – takes a detour and positions himself right in front of me. Looks up. I stand quite still and look at him,amused.

He then walks around me, and there are pales of laughter from his parents and other people

Somehow it seemed important not to walk around him, but allow him to walk around me –

I can’t get that situation out of my mind – 🙂

Shifting Gears

Perfect timing, perfect teacher: Rikka Zimmerman. Free download on her website: Three keys to loving you. ½ hour mp3 talk, or streaming. When I substitute her terms “Universe” with “Holy Spirit”, and “You” with “Christ/true Self, “everything she says works for A Course student too – and I can’t describe how freeing it feels to hear a new terminology! Most Course students have a hard time with the metaphysics, and because of that there are lots of possibilities for using the Course to bypass pain and “understand”  it to destruction of its message: we are infinite and eternal loving beings, and what we believe becomes our experience.To wake up, we need to be willing to change our perception  – be willing to be wrong that it is correct.

Here is how Rikka’s three steps went for me this morning:

1) Have a loving moment.

Memory: My daughter and I sit next to each other on a bench in front of a large painting in an empty Gallery. We talk about the painting and art in general – we are both artists – and there is a perfect resonance between us. A big loving space opens, the joy of being able to share freely, even wordlessly, our common love of the creative process.

I allow this field of Love to expand now

2)Feel yourself expanding all beyond the Universe.

I feel the freedom and Love that is in this Space, where boundaries between bodies are non-existent. Asking questions like “What does the ocean/ the mountain/ the grass (your cat:)) know about its love for me?”

OH

Allowing this Love to permeate me

Then, being asked to be aware how there are stuck and painful places in the body which cannot/will not accept Love  – allowing them to just be – staying lovingly with them until they unlock or melt.That may take time.

Being told that when the defense-voices tell us to give it up, this is a sign that you will never succeed in this, your pain is SO special and horrible just notice instead what is already changing in the body.

For me this morning, this put a stop to the most nerve-racking pattern in my mind ( see red sentence) – and I started to notice the places of changes in body and deliberately – by choice – placed my attention there.

With this decision, all the judgments of this horrible old me fell away: the red was crystal clear seen as a false thought.

3) Stop hitting yourself on the head with the sandbox shovel

Rikka tells us that the universe is a sandbox with lots of tools – and when we see other children hitting themselves over the head with “I am so stupid” we learn to do it too. Some of the children accept it, and others hit other children on the head instead – and she asks us to notice when we participate in this child game and see a stop sign – and in that moment instead choosing the free flow of expansion/Love.

We might in our life witness other people hitting themselves and others over the head – and we simply can put down our own shovel and  choose to put our focus on beauty/love instead.

No need for judgment

In the shower, I notice a spot on the back that itches. When I scratch it, it gets a crust which I scratch off and then it itches again. Infernally. So I at least got that there was something here that wanted my attention. This is something I have not been willing to let go of. Something that is connected to what I call “me.” The Course tells me that I am not the body – but I hear , darn it, it was me that experienced all that heinous shit when I was little – it was MY body it happened to – it was THIS body it happened to. I have explored where evil comes from, and I am right that this is my body!!!

And now comes  a major turnaround in my mind:

Blue tells me that the intense feeling I experience now – “I AM RIGHT! THIS IS MY EXPERIENCE!” is a collective  belief that does not belong in a mind of Oneness – where there are no me’s. Everything in this world – including media – reflects the “laws” the Son of God = all of us –  subconsciously agreed upon to make us stay within the illusion of separation. These laws reflects the polarity in ego’s world: good and evil, right and wrong, pretty and ugly, smart and stupid. Gravity is one of the laws – and it works only because we subconsciously have agreed on believing in them. The same is true regarding time and space: both concepts in the ego thought system. For Spirit, none of these laws  are valid – and we are Spirit, believing we are humans, identifying with the dream we are dreaming. The “we” not being humans, but Mind outside time and space.

This means that I don’t need to attach a me to any ego-thought/belief at all – and poof, there goes all my perceived need for judgment.

It can be easy -guest post from Nichola

Last session the message was “it can be easy to let go – it does not have to be a long uphill struggle.”

I like struggles – I am good at them especially when I am losing them because that allows me to be a victim as well as a brave knight at the same time. Actually that last bit didn’t occur to me until today.

When we started last night’s session I was feeling ashamed of myself because I had done my enneagram and discovered that I was a 4 – which meant that I have a deep sense of being defective as well as being prone to self-pity and isolation. Of course I immediately felt extra defective and was also feeling quite sorry for myself about that – crying telling Leelah about it – although there was also a strong feeling of light running across my back that told me everything was OK.  The feeling of defectiveness was painful like I was just so worthless – not even ugly or bad just woefully worthless and maybe dirty.

The shame was in my chest and belly and when I looked into it I saw a dungeon with a small window at the top. My father had placed me in the dungeon. I had a feeling he was punishing me for his own sexual feelings towards me or simply for his own sexuality which he repressed and projected onto me. It wasn’t too hard to just let go of that one – give it back to spirit. That’s when we laughed about the idea of a long uphill struggle. I could see that it is possible to let letting go just be easy.

We talked about the victim story being the story of choice because it is better than being the aggressor – in a way the victim is “good” and the aggressor is “bad’. Also, we both have fathers who played that role for us. There are some similarities that allow us to play with it – Leelah described it as something like tossing it to and fro like a ball.

After Leelah’s turn I told her about a synergistic moment I had watching The Simpsons. If you have read the other posts from the last month or so you will appreciate this one. First of all the Simpson family were at the beach at a jelly fish festival. Immediately after that scene, as I was thinking “again with the jellyfish” was a scene where Ned Flanders said “I am as lonely as the empty tomb.”

Last week I posted that I felt that spirit was tapping me on the shoulder. When this happened it felt less like a tap and more like spirit is HITTING ME OVER THE HEAD WITH A SHOVEL!

Love’s Hand

2 days ago I was sitting and pondering a Course lesson. I saw my right hand landing gently on my right thigh, and in the minute contact was made I knew it was not my hand – it was just used as Love’s hand.
The effect was wonderful:
I felt safe for the first time. REALLY safe, as there were no other possibility than being Love and being Loved by His hand. I relaxed like never before.
Later same day I got the impulse to put Jesus’ hand on my heart. The heart jumped a mile and tears started pouring.
Now I believe that what I allowed was simply a connection to my Self.

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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