It can be easy -guest post from Nichola

Last session the message was “it can be easy to let go – it does not have to be a long uphill struggle.”

I like struggles – I am good at them especially when I am losing them because that allows me to be a victim as well as a brave knight at the same time. Actually that last bit didn’t occur to me until today.

When we started last night’s session I was feeling ashamed of myself because I had done my enneagram and discovered that I was a 4 – which meant that I have a deep sense of being defective as well as being prone to self-pity and isolation. Of course I immediately felt extra defective and was also feeling quite sorry for myself about that – crying telling Leelah about it – although there was also a strong feeling of light running across my back that told me everything was OK.  The feeling of defectiveness was painful like I was just so worthless – not even ugly or bad just woefully worthless and maybe dirty.

The shame was in my chest and belly and when I looked into it I saw a dungeon with a small window at the top. My father had placed me in the dungeon. I had a feeling he was punishing me for his own sexual feelings towards me or simply for his own sexuality which he repressed and projected onto me. It wasn’t too hard to just let go of that one – give it back to spirit. That’s when we laughed about the idea of a long uphill struggle. I could see that it is possible to let letting go just be easy.

We talked about the victim story being the story of choice because it is better than being the aggressor – in a way the victim is “good” and the aggressor is “bad’. Also, we both have fathers who played that role for us. There are some similarities that allow us to play with it – Leelah described it as something like tossing it to and fro like a ball.

After Leelah’s turn I told her about a synergistic moment I had watching The Simpsons. If you have read the other posts from the last month or so you will appreciate this one. First of all the Simpson family were at the beach at a jelly fish festival. Immediately after that scene, as I was thinking “again with the jellyfish” was a scene where Ned Flanders said “I am as lonely as the empty tomb.”

Last week I posted that I felt that spirit was tapping me on the shoulder. When this happened it felt less like a tap and more like spirit is HITTING ME OVER THE HEAD WITH A SHOVEL!

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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