Beliving in false thoughts

An old theme melted today. Before, I had to work for weeks and involve legal authorities to have a package I ordered sent to me and not to be picked up at a Post office 3 hours away. I have gone through this process twice before – a huge forgiveness opportunity – and this time, when the procedure repeated itself and I called the new firm, I connected with their consultant in a beautiful way. It turned out she lived close to me and offered to drive there and pick it up and bring it to me on the door! Now there is a good sign that something in the mind has shifted:)

Then she told me that the Post office would not deliver it to her. But she told me in a mail that I just had to write them (the firm)and tell them that I wanted the package delivered to me home address. I did that – and then the huge father came and swallowed me. Oh my God, look at that. I meant to write fear, not father.

Same thing

I realized how not-happy I was when it all was solved. Why in the world wouldn’t I be  ecstatic  that this pattern of self sabotage at last was resolved?

The answer was obvious: almost 100% of my childhood/youth personality was identified with  the  strategies for surviving. All the ways she/I had to get use to calm the father with the fear so he did not become a dangerous demon – all that has been labeled “me.”

I now experienced the possibility of being wrong in that identification – these strategies I had told myself was me, and had experienced myself to be, and believed myself to be – if I was wrong in this, what would be left?

A huge cry came, I had to sit down. Forgiving myself for believing in this false me, this survival-construct I had made.

And in some weird way, the father and the fear is one – I think about the Course-metaphysics reminding us that we as ego think the Father/God is out to punish us because we left – and so we made up a punishing vengeful god in our image, and do our best to placate him and be “good” – just as most abused persons try to be toward their abuser, if they have to live with him/her

So these “false deliveries,” and  the demands that i pick it up, or else I would have to pay a big punishing fee, were all reflections of my childhood:

pick up those false fear thoughts, or else you will pay, and maybe even imprisoned

I can only imprison myself

I have perpetuated the punishment to stay “me”

I am willing to be wrong about the value of this – and to be shown a peaceful and playful healing process

willing to let go of the lodging of pain and fear and identity in my mind,mirrored in this body I call mine

But it is all based on false thoughts

maybe the strongest false thought is the one that tells me that I am guilty and need to be punished – the very thought of separation

remembering to laugh now

I can not lose something I never had in reality, says Blue.Just my screwed up false perception.

Yes,please

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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