Forgetting the lines

Dream this morning, day 11:

On the Underground Tube, station National Theater, the 2. step of the stairs ascending from the depth, stands an old enemy of mine. (Our first meeting 30 years ago was instantaneous love – and then we split into a pair of mutual projections and hate that I rarely have experienced that strong with anybody else. Later I have been willing to realize that she has reflected deep hatred and vulnerability in me – and a meanness that has a strong sickening effect in my body. This morning it has been seen through and forgiven.)

In the dream, I have been given a role at the National Theater. I am in this(“real”) life a master in taking on roles and allowing them to express through me – but I am no good at professional acting, since there is a part of me that goes into performance anxiety and goes blanc when it comes to remember lines. 

I have just tried on the three different costumes I will wear in my three entries – beautiful creations, red, yellow, burgundy, brown, wool, silk, cotton ; they are so “me!” And deep inside is an ice-cold fear that tells me “you cannot play this role – are you crazy? You don’t even know how many lines you have!” I push it down – and then the woman – whose name means “life” – tells me that I am never going to remember those lines!

I perceive her as hateful and mean and obnoxious and accuse and attack her of this – the old hatred between us is sulphurous – and then I wake up and recognize that she only voiced the fear I would not look at.

I feel intensely and sickeningly  strong my need to project on her, to make her the guilty bad disgusting person – and realize, this is what I have believed about mySelf. There is complete forgiveness of us both.

And there follows of course that I see that I have given my father the role of the insane demon -and my mother the role of the ice cold denying witch. It is clearly seen that I have believed this about myself as a seemingly separated being. There are beautiful moments when full realization comes: what a love they all must have for me, being willing to take on these obnoxious roles.

I felt this release very strong this morning – and also now, by sharing it with you.

 

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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