Hugging it instead of judging it

Skype sharing with Kit. Our common theme is an old trauma about becoming visible to others – and a tremendous fear about all of that. We realize that peace does not come from fixing this/understanding this – willingness is all it takes-willingness to allow Love to come to this theme, this old hidden wound in the mind
When Kit worked with the theme, I could “see” that as soon as she could allow herself to give “a hug” to the fear/trauma-area in the body -without doing any fixing at all – a channel was opened between the heart and the wound.
When it was my turn, I remembered an ongoing difficult situation between my daughter and me. Frequently when speaking to her , I feel a huge block in my brain – the words simply are not there. That makes me very nervous, and I do my “best” to find the words – in reality, I am resisting the block itself – instead of just mentally giving it a hug.
Oh the pressure.
I have told her many times that I lose my words – but I have never allowed myself to just BE with the wordlessness. It feels quite OK to do that, the next time we meet.
Kit and I agree that we see that all of this is HELD. Contained.
God holds this space the moment I chose to allow it – am willing to allow Love into it.
Suddenly I know what the real fear is about: it points to a belief that I have lost connection with my daughter on the spiritual plane. I see her and her husband as living a very materialistic life – but that is of course just my perception.
Kit: “What is right about this situation that is difficult to catch sight of?”
…Ahhh…I see that she and I have worked so wonderful in so many incarnations, and now we are mature enough to allow this last seeming hurdle to come up to be healed: the seeming break in spiritual connection. I see that this is something that I shall leave completely in God’s hands – I shall not mention it at all to her.
Trust. Willingness to allow Love to come into it. No resistance at all to the situation. Whatever plays itself out between us IS OK.
Oh. Maybe I will lose all contact with her. There is a nasty fear about that, lurking.
Ohmygod …she is a projection – I fear to lose MY connection to God
I have used her – I have used her this life – I have told myself – and her, subconsciously: “I am dependent on YOU to be able to feel God’s Presence. And THAT I believe in!
Now tears are cascading – I talk to my daughter : “ I cannot reach Him without you!”
Kit: “Ohh – Leelah -”
I feel a release as soon as I hear her say my name. She tells me she needs to say it. I cry from the bottom of my heart, from the agony of believing I MUST NOT lose contact with my daughter. My mind screams that if I lose contact with her, Satan instantly takes over. I have told myself that M is my ONLY lifeline to God.
Kit reminds me that these are scary thoughts only – “just thoughts that you believe in, but with no truth at all.”
Just neutral thoughts
Wild relieved crying
“Ohmygod, what an iron grip I have held her in subconsciously – the role as my one and only savior – no wonder she won’t talk about God …now an age old child voice inside me expresses itself with a vengeance: “If you won’t do this for me, I will DIE and it is YOUR FAULT!”
Ah. Listening to this agonized crying from myself, I see there’s no wonder there is often so much hate and anger between us. But this hatred is not connected to anything real and true at all between us. It just originates from my belief that she has to have that role to “save” me.
Kit: Leelah – how wonderful it is that you see this so clearly.
And I cry and cry that it is allowed to feel how I feel and have these beliefs, even though they are screwed up.
A new agonized crying about how difficult and scary it is to say “God.”***
Kit asks if this wave of emotions related to “God” can just be allowed to BE here too – just another thought, believed in. “You can just let it come, just receiving it. You just got scared again because of believing in those thoughts.”
Immediately peace when I recognize that all these thoughts are false. Not serious at all! And just wonderful that Kit reminds me about it. Another thought: “When you see M again, everything will be just as before.” It is full of hatred – and Kit suggests that I give it a hug
That’s what it needs. No judgment, no preaching. Just Love. It is so good for that thought to be allowed to be just as nastyhatefulrageing as it is.
In the second I have this last realization, a sign opens on my PC – (the italics are mine)
Iolo System mechanics: Fight stubborn PC (programmed mind) freezes and errors. Many chronic restarts, freezes and other frustrations can be fixed easily with Registry Tuner ( aligning with Truth)
HAH!”System mechanics.” Another name could be Holy Spirit
And the whole emotional storm just wanes and lies down like a cat in the sun.

 

***Absolutely every one of my hundreds of patients/students have felt the same way – and that’s why I could use the material of 25 years of investigation in my book “When fear comes home to Love.” You may look at it in the right menu.

 

 

 

 

 

2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. leyblytheLey
    Mar 29, 2014 @ 00:21:23

    Great post Leelah, I’ve had those very same fears about my son and at Christmas, he came to stay and as per usual, the old pattern arose, that not being able to communicate properly with him meant that we went through some ‘stuff’ over the holiday. My biggest fear was always that i would lose him from my life and because of what was happening, that fear came up in a huge way for me yet again at Christmas, only this time i looked at it with HS and he helped me to see that either way, if my son was in my life, or not, it was ok. He wasn’t ‘mine’ to keep and i had to allow whatever way it was going to be, to just be, devoid of my judgement or fear over it. In that moment of realisation, that God is taking care of all of this and that i could surrender that fear and be ok with whatever the Plan was, my fear disappeared and everything smoothed eventually.

    I also loved when you said “God holds this space the moment I chose to allow it – am willing to allow Love into it. ” Amen Leelah and thankyou. Beautiful post.

    Reply

    • leelotchka44
      Mar 29, 2014 @ 09:54:58

      God is taking care of all of this and that i could surrender that fear and be ok with whatever the Plan was, my fear disappeared and everything smoothed eventually.
      Ley – “whatever the Plan was” oh there it is. That is such a resting place.

      Reply

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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