Junebug

One of my closest friends was going to spend some days with me, live here, play with me, in our Lent holidays. Before that, I sensed into our common field of old woman-patterns: the pleaser, the doing-good’er, the one who steps back and allow others to take advantage of her – because that is her only worth: this role of “taking care of.” And I am of course talking about the destructive part of this – “serving” from a the insane belief that this serving is what gives us value – not being willing to learn – yes, learn 🙂 – that our value is given us by God. It is who we are – being like It.

Thankfully I had a session with Kit the same day Nilandra should come. And we found out that being quite honest about my feelings really worked:

“Nil -this becomes too intense for me right now. I need to breathe. I really want to listen to you, to be with you – and I can’t do that before I am present. I need to breathe. Can you breathe with me?

I am thinking about what Einstein said: we cannot solve a problem on the level where it arises. We have to rise up and get a new view.”

Checking how this is for her – and if she asks, suggesting:

“We could just play a little – let’s play that you are telling me the story as if it were your dream.  Then we both would be on a witness/awake-level – and we would both listen to the story in a much more relaxed and present way – there would be distance to it.

What do you think?”

And already now we both are out of the old old old role pattern.

Now we can listen TOGETHER

There is such great freedom in this for me: no more “helper” and “helpee” –  now,two explorers listening to each other.

*

Kit adds at the end of the session: “For me, blaming is such a dead end. It is a punishment I give myself – a Sisyfos work – to advise,convince, be right,argue .”

And blaming is at the very core of the pleasing pattern –  what I call BIRD in “When fear comes home to Love.” *

*

She could not come – had to spend the day at the hospital with her sick old mother who was terrified and needed her there. And I am thinking, if this had been me – being where I am right now in my practice – I could just have been there, PRESENT, resting with God, not feeling responsible at all for the other’s wellbeing – just offering a hand, knowing we were both held in the hand of Love.

*

This morning I did not recognize that I was souped into ego-mode – old habit told me “this is how it IS.”  I went into the kitchen – there was an ugly black spider/lump on the upper end of the glass. The last days,lots of tinytiny flies had hatched there -size the ! point of this exclamation sign divided in 1o. That was a sign of attack too of course – I felt dirty, i took it personal. Yes. I know.So now I doused a tissue-paper with ammoniac, determined to squeeze the life out of that bug. I did that, and was brave enough to look at what was in the paper –

it was a June bug

It was eating all those little flies on the  window

it was not killed

I placed it on a big bunch of flowers I had picked yesterday and told it I was so so sorry

Junebug June 7 -14

 

The eater of flies

The eater of flies

Lovely lovely lovely

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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