The Nice Girl

Dream: I have a client who is boundless manipulative. I sense this only energetically: there is nothing “wrong” with what she says, but all she does not say -everything going on under the surface of subliminal signs and signals.

I am possessed by an enormous rage I only experience in dreams. I hiss like a wild cat and grab her and scream “get out of my house!” Her body is strangely pliable, like rubber – I recognize this as a sign of the demonic, who’s very essence is MADE of our repressing and judging our feelings, needs and expressions.*

I wake up after the third screaming sequence – her expression is mean and threatening and she lets me know this will have consequences.

THANK YOU Holy Spirit for this dream! It does not take many minutes to recognize how I am the manipulating girl: it was a survival mechanism for my first 20 years. Now Grace has showed me the very make-up of it – very thorough work, this

Gradually I go deeper as H.S. is looking with me. There are layers:

First the terror at the abuse and insanity

Then, when I understand there will be no protection from this – and no comfort, no acknowledgment of what happens – I fall into a mode of survival: pleasing. I am “The Sweet Helpful Girl. “

Next time you meet a pleaser and cringe, be grateful instead – the cringe means that you have the same energetic pattern ingrained in your mind and nervous system, and now you can offer it up for correction and forgive it.

All of that sweet pleasing is covering up pure murderous rage – which has to be completely denied for both child and parents and siblings for the charade to continue. And since the hatred cannot be directed outward, it turns back on US.

The stage is set for grand manipulation.

No wonder we get sicknesses – being under such tremendous unconscious attack all the time. No wonder cancer could manifest inside this body that mirrored a mind that harbored so much self-hatred.

It is wonderfully releasing to realize this pattern – at last FEEL it as energy. As long as I unconsciously judge and repress this energy within me, it cannot be forgiven and released. And it will be mirrored back to me from outside, by people who pour their blame on me. That happens rarely to me these days, which is a nice sign

As I write this, I yawn and fart and tears comes, muscles twitch, more releasing

The manipulating girl in the dream – who comes for “therapy” to me – is of course me. I see her now, giggling – she has my face, which is proper. There is freedom and light in the image now

Her threat was real: it WOULD have had dire consequences for my health and well-being to allow this old pattern to wreak havoc any longer.

The beauty is: three times in my life -in my thirties – has people said that they feel something manipulative in me. That was done in a group therapy, and was always immediately denied by other participants who comforted me and told me not to mind these screwed up people.

No: they were absolutely sane, and honest, and brave to say this and then be attacked by the group. Their accusation was acutely felt – and I believe that if I never had been pointed to this, I may have overlooked it.

Thanks to Grace who always is thorough. When I offer my willingness to look, she really opens it up


More about this in  my book “When  fear comes home to Love” on this blog – and also ways to dissolve these  deeply unconscious demonic structures in our mind and nervous system.

The Aramaic Lord’s Prayer

I am listening to the Way of Mastery – deepenings at the One Who Wakes-website – and have lately sensed a huge resistance to BE with God, and especially the Aramaic version of Our Father. So I prayed to see what I have allowed to possess me – and I found one of the 10 archetypes I have found  and described in my book:

I have called it The Fascist

I have lately got a new student – she was born in a family with both communists and fascists, and I have helped her find the archetype so she can relate TO it and not FROM it

and this morning I realized that it was this archetype that – of course – detests Jeshua’s prayer

As soon as I realized this, I was free from merging and identifying with it, and I was filled with an intense desire to learn the prayer.
Here it is, i n English version:

The Aramaic Lord’s Prayer –

Pathway to the Christ Mind

Father-Mother of the Cosmos, Shimmering Light of All.

Focus your light within us as we breathe your Holy Breath.

Enter the sanctuary of our hearts,

uniting within us the sacred rays of your Power and Beauty.

Let your heart’s desire unite heaven and earth

through our sacred union.

Help us fulfill what lies within the circle of our lives today.

Forgive our secret fears as we freely choose

to forgive the secret fears of others.

Let us not enter forgetfulness, tempted by false appearances.

For from your astonishing Fire comes the Eternal Song

which sanctifies all, renewed eternally in our lives,

and throughout Creation.

We Seal these words in our hearts,

committed in trust and faith. Amen.

Here you can listen to different versions.  The one I resonate most with is Sparo Vigil’s


Oh, the innocence and presence of it





I took the mind out of the PC and put it on the table. It quickly coiled up like a wreath cake, sensing it was up for scrutiny. I tagged at its bottom coil and said “ I know what you are up to. Twit.”

It threw a mean glance at me: “ I am just here to warn you of errors” it hissed, “I am doing my sour job to make you satisfied. “

“Oh pooh” I said, you are lying all the time,: “This page will not close” – “This document will not save” – how many times have I seen that, and then it unfailingly closes and saves! Truth is, you just love to be a scary-billy.”

The mind grumped and coiled the other way. “There’s no way pleasing you, Master” it sulked. “Isn’t it better though to warn a little overeagerly instead of the other possibility?”

“Don’t sweet-talk me” I said, “I simply cannot trust you and will dismiss you henceforth”

The mind gave off a foul stench, held its breath and pushed – and poof, suddenly there were hundreds of mind worms. Clever idea, but I knew better than to let appearances scare me: quick as lightening I programmed the offspring to sing. It now sang to me in an innocent voice “take a breather from the PC, take a lovely walk instead.” It tried to come up with a rhyme-line but failed.

I scooped the offspring up into a bowl and into the juicer, and juiced the mind thoroughly. I then watered the ugly plant my neighbor enjoyed to pamper in his garden and it just happened to wither and die.

Mind can be really toxic, it can

But there are no more faulty errors reporting. None

Big Ship Coming – get out of the way

There seems to be something BIG looming on the horizon.

Big creative processes have come to an end:

My manuscript is finished. I will have it back from my editor in September. My first fiction-book!

A soul-gift I have prepared for a friend’s 50 years birthday – which I have working with for 6 months is just finished.

I do not know what lies ahead for me, but it is big

The sharing-sessions between Kit and me  on Skype go right down to the essential: “you are the sky – the rest is just weather”

Sensing in our body how we are taken out of the Now each time we believe in the stories our ME brings up – all the weather – and the repeated discovery of how the Sky is eternally the same, and the sweetness of it

The Now becomes rigid, becomes TIME = past and future, regrets and fear – each time this “person”, this bundle of habits, is given the reigns

We were talking about listening to false ideas and believing in them and  there was a big noise from her place in the city:  a plane, very close  – I experienced it as a symbol of what we were talking about: listening to – not a bird, the symbol of a messenger of spirit. but a mechanical bird – a  man-made “lie”

and in that second I was given the thought “You manifested this”

No, Kit and Leelah did not – but Spirit did – and It also let me know: look out. there will be many more, and powerful. This is the manifesting power of the unified mind.”

Strong emotions coming up lately: wild rage – sitting with it – mixed it with a me and “story” and felt awful – remembering to just witness it as energy, the wild animal we all have inside – my wild black puma stretched herself out in the sun and purred a mighty purr and smiled at me

More and more watching. more and more tenderness – and moments where suddenly some wild energy pours through me and seem to control me completely – but it lasts short –

I visited my homeopath and teacher today – he has given me Sulphur 1m and it feels perfect. And while he was going into stories of himself, I was noticing that I did NOT feel invaded: I listened closely, quite outside of the habitual mode of prison and anger, and commented from a new and wake state

I told him I had no idea about which direction I was going, but it felt awesome and solid and powerful – I just was “a little confused” right now –

Then: two huge sound-signals. I asked him what that was: he told me that there was  a BIG ship  signaling to a little ship that it had to move. The big one could not move out if its direction – so the little one had to, not to be crushed.

We looked at each other and smiled. I told him that now I could relax and stop trying to control my days – I just needed to get out of the way when I was told to:)

the hug today was SO good 🙂

In the garden behind the old house where he works, our Kabbalah group planted a tree as a start of 7 years deep process. I noticed today how tall and wonderful it was, and gave it a long hug. We felt very close 🙂

I walked down to the  City to get my pills. A BIG policeman guided me past two big blocks into the street where  the Ministry of Foreign Affairs had its offices. A shiny black car stopped in front of the block, a window opened and a gray-haired man held  out a hand with an ID. It was thoroughly inspected. The one block that I thought was made of cement was lifted off: it was made of plastic. The car drew through the blocks, and was stopped again 10 feet ahead by another policemen wanting ID. I smiled to the policeman, he smiled back. Some big visitor is obviously expected, and there seems to be fear of terrorism.

I will lift the blocks to Truth when It comes

nothing can stop it

It can’t be killed


In town, I found a very very small garden inside a stone-desert.Here it is:

The Garden

here you can see HOW small it was – and how adorable


















My innocence

Dear Holy Spirit

Reveal my innocence to me

As long as I don’t acknowledge it, I believe I am guilty

And so I project my unconscious guilt on others – good strategy as ego, but impossible to wake up

When others projects their guilt on me and I fell MEAN and BAD: it is the greatest gifts I could receive. Now ( no, I still cannot do is AS it happens, but when I am alone, I can) – now I can allow that feeling to come to the surface. Sit with it in great patience, letting it unfold, letting it melt: In this allowing, I am sitting in God’s arms.

Which is really my own Self’s embrace.

With a full heart I now thank those who played the roles of betrayers: you know, the ones you share complete and utter love and Unity with. The one moment they talk to you and tell you that there are no words for this Love, and that it will never change. They might be on the other end of the world in a phone, you still feel the connection, and you are not mistaken: this is the real thing – this is God’s impersonal Love where all is included –  you two too:)

The other person then makes a spontaneous promise to do something for you, to send you something as a symbol for this love.

It never comes

You start to make stories about it – guilt is distributed.

You send him a “reminder”… it comes from fear and distrust, but you do your best to pretend you don’t mind – you are really spiritually above this –

He makes promises – it still does not come

Then:you  suddenly truly KNOW inside that this – his “betrayal” – IS the gift – but the ego is clever in its insisting that nonono, he has betrayed the Love and betrayed his promise.

But what if his REAL promise was to play this disgusting role of the betrayer?

Now you know he is NOT -so AT LAST you can allow the very feeling you always avoided like the plague – (and which therefore was repeated in countless incarnations . . . ) to fully be allowed and felt

Are you starting to giggle now?


Welcoming Home the feeling of being betrayed:

Here it is.

Body starting to itch – your eyes feel like exploding – your bone-structure is creaking – something unfathomable old and tired and angry is moving behind your heart – your head, lead heavy – tears are coming – images of tired multitudes  of refugees in the desert – have faith, you are soon coming to the Red Sea, big surprise is waiting

The insight that you have carried this false belief as a body-mind: I am limited to what the ego tells me through its play of illusion, its razzle dazzle convincing appearances. But I have chosen this: to experience the consequences of this belief that it is possible to exist outside of God’s eternal Love.

To be one who is betrayed.

Nay – 🙂 it is not so ( I think Moses is speaking inside) – They are only ever reflecting back to me what I think is real. Now I can discover it, FEEL it fully as it leaves.

Thank you, Beloved, for playing this yucky role.

I am the Source of my experiences

I extend forgiveness to my self for creating this

I bless it –  and all the “betrayers” – “myself” included – with the Blessing of Christ.

I release you to be your Self

And I let it go in Peace














new paths

Clarity this morning – after having been super-involved in a current drama in one of the groups I am attending –  and then it came to me, this insight: Let it be just as it is. No control whatsoever. Your impulse to “speak out” is nothing more than an ego-attempt of control. Let it b e, and allow all the feelings to come up: Thank you – bless you – and release it in Peace.

After this I listened to a channeling from Way of Mastery: I heard exactly the same thing.

Then I was taking the bus, and there was a lot of working on the road, so the station was moved and i missed it – had to walk a long way back. The traffic-pattern was altered:)

Then i visited my group at Facebook and saw this video:


Then i got the week 18-lesson from I am a Teacher of God: “Accept no compromise in which death plays a part.” And death in the Course is everything that is of the ego thought system – including drama, conflict, “solving” and “fixing.”

Electronic applause

It is not what “the other” does – its about how this “something/happening” mirrors something in me that I have pushed under.
Many times lately I experience how people/craftsmen are not honest. I am being “tricked.”
“All the ways I have tricked myself…” Ouch
So I sat down and did this TAT ( the words just came:)

All the ways I have tricked myself  into accepting the blame for others’ wrongdoings

Immediately a strange  electronic sound is heard from the door: it is my wireless electronic doorbell. And the beauty does not end there: there are 4 possible tunes to choose from. This was NOT the one I had programmed:)
That’s how strong that energy was, in that sentence – in that truth:

All the ways I have tricked myself  into accepting the blame for others’ wrongdoings

In short, all the ways I had pretended to be something I am not: a guilty  somebody instead  of a holy Son of God, as the Course in Miracles names our Self.

Donkey on the street

I visited the Village’s Shopping center yesterday. It has been here for 39 years, when I moved here newly married.

There were lots of obstacles before the main entrance. I assumed they were digging a hole or sumthin and was aggravated that they did not put up clear signs. Didn’t they respect their customers or what? Justified pissed-off-ness popped up, and I bowed my back and crept under a thin line and was met by a man who just pointed “another way. Over there.”

“Over there” was a new entrance. The whole Mall is rebuild and expanded, and the main entrance was now closed.

What’s the point here? OH – the discovery – yet again – of how clear signs ( NEW ENTRANCE AROUND THE CORNER) were completely overlooked and dismissed by consciousness because I had walked the other way for almost 40 years.

I was blind for those signs. They were all over the place. But my habitual perception were just looking for what it always had seen and believed as “real.”

Which reminds me of a sweet story: one of our great authors once told about one day when he looked out his window on the street parallel to the main street in town – and saw a donkey tied to a bike on the street. Many people passed it, and nobody reacted.

Nobody expects to see a donkey in town. It is invisible for all the people who are not willing to have the validity of their perception questioned

Painting the devil on the wall

This habit has been hard to water out – I have a chapter on this pattern in my book “When fear comes home to Love” called “Mudmonster” –  but at 69, it is  just so transparent now that it will soon be gone for good. Whenever it still pops up, it is fairly easy to spot it and truly realize that it is just a thought from the ego thought-system – an echo of something I once called me –

when it happened twice today, I immediately “took a step back” and just allowed the energy to BE there – forgave my choice for it – and started to smile

It felt amazingly pleasant to do what Kit and I explored together recently: just hang out with the energy and allowing it be and do whatever it pleased, knowing it could not harm Who I am, and that it would flow into being when not manipulated at all

once your cruci-fiction is over

this unlit light

Bill Viola - The Crossing, 1996, video/sound installation

once your cruci-fiction is over

you will say Father

thank you for forsaking me

so that what I am

and have always been

could melt, again

into the womb

of the Mother’s wild Love

could shed the unstoppable

tears, that by some divine alchemy


from grief into bliss

could abide again

in the Garden of Grace

regardless of life’s sorrows

and confusion and pain

you will say thank you

once your cruci-fiction is over

Image: Bill ViolaThe Crossing, 1996
Video/sound installation


View original post

Previous Older Entries

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

%d bloggers like this: