At the movies

Jesus is telling me to go watch a movie. It is playing in the early afternoon, it is a small auditorium with 7 rows.

The movie is about a young man with a painful relationship to a distant father, and he has decided to hike in the mountains in the weekend to think about what he wants to do with his relationship with his wife and son, whom he himself is distant to.

I am sitting in the far back in the movie-theater, reading a magazine before the movie starts, when I notice that suddenly a man sits in front of me. I did not notice him coming in at all. he is just there – like popped up from nothingness.

The nervous system immediately goes into alarm.Here is what I have feared so many times – alone in a movie-theater with a strange man who  may attack and rape me.

Simultaneously with these thoughts, I hear faintly Jesus reminding me that these are stories, why not choose to remain, and instead of spinning out the old familiar disaster stories, just make a silent decree:” You are a child of God. I am a child of God. I declare that there has never been anything between us that Christed Love.”

My heart calms down and  I decide to stay.

We hear the main role’s thoughts as voice-over all through the movie:  the stories he spins out and believes in. We also see him masturbate twice- nothing left to imagination – and the second time  he masturbates to a porn-clip on his IPhone. Very graphic images and sounds.

I am watching this together with a man I have never seen ,we are alone in a room. There is definitely terror going on inside – and at the same time, the impulse to not run.

The man is completely silent, makes not a move during the whole movie.

When the final texts come up, I swift as a lightening collect my clothes and walk fast out of the room, without looking at him.

It is in the middle of the night the same day that I hear Jesus:

“I placed him there. -This is the sign that your old fantasies have been forgiven and healed, my love. He was just sitting still the whole time, in peace. Not behind you, controlling you. Not beside you, pesting you. Not turning around, checking you out. Just RIGHT in front of you – a step lower that you: YOU were in control.”

There are rushes of light pouring into me and through. I am done with these stories.

Thank you, Holy Spirit









game. set. match.

Adding this beauty to Miriam Louisa’s post. Liv Ullman uses it in her last movie. Miss Julie – go watch!




echoes from emptiness

match. set. game. Photo: Shutterstock

One of the most prevalent and persistent myths swirling around the concept of awakening, is that those who have been obliterated by the irreversible EUREKA are instantly and henceforth rendered exempt from all the trials of the flesh that plague “the unenlightened”.

The mind loves to employ this fantasy to critique even the sagest of sages. (“How could someone like a Krishnamurti or a Ramana become a victim of cancer?”) But more sneakily, it turns its scorn upon one’s own delicate understanding.

It loves to hold up one’s (so-called) unattractive qualities – one’s addictions, physical ailments and emotional irruptions as proof that one hasn’t understood anything of import. Really.

What sport it is to watch and listen to this chattering, taunting, would-be bully. For a while you return the volleys. But it doesn’t take long to realise it’s a game without end and you grow bored – you know the score already.

So you serve your Ace straight…

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Hole in the Shitbag

The  teachings are so exquisite lined up for me. Not so pleasurable in the middle of it though-

At the writer-forum, I made a decision that spurred an unbelievable chaos and  confusion, and which was judged by many – and also supported by others, who messaged me: “I am with you to the end.” I used the toxic comments to see how they mirrored toxic beliefs in the mind – one about “passive aggression” struck a chord 🙂 I sure have judged my aggression – I saw that I had  even connected it to being killed, if I let it out. I decided that enough is enough – I would much rather be straight and real than “nice.” Making that decision gave a felt sense of peace and smiles.

In the night, listening to John Mark Stroud’s “deepenings” of The Way of Mastery, lesson 11 a, Jeshua talked about the importance of finding the roots of our affliction, and I prayed to find the roots to the chaos, fear and toxicity I was experiencing. I was taken down to a decision to want to be punished for “my” guilt – it felt like I carried the world’s guilt on my shoulders, and it felt very convincing. I was shown that I had created a dark being to scare me and “punish” me – and was helped to see that this was my creation – so it was mine to uncreate. Not Leelah-mine – it was created by the One Mind behind time and space as a way to separate from God, to truly explore all the feelings that were a consequence of that decision. ” Do you still value exploring them?” asked Love, and no. I truly don’t. It felt like I had found the root of it, and allowed it to be uprooted.

There was also a clear insight of the unreality of this “me” – this Leelah. These feelings and experiences do not belong to personalities or “separate” beings – they come through us to be played out, to be experienced, and ultimately, to be released.We are not limited bodies, we are the Loving Space the bodies float in.

Just sharing this here brings a delicate release and joy

I then had a dream where a powerful wizard like man with a disgusting way of sexual innuendo made passes, and my anger erupted like a fire storm. I woke up, and decided I want to be real and not hide it behind nice: I now know who I am, and Who loves me and supports me – and that They come when I call on them.

And then Love gave me this hilarious sign and symbol on the bus-station:

The shit is out of the pretty-bag

This is a doggy bag. In pretty pink. It’s not inside the littler box, but on top of it – right in front of me, not to be overlooked. And there’s a big hole in it: the shit is out now:)

No more inside  pink sweetness

I giggled all the way to town

The decision to choose is mine

Morning in bed

There it is: the unmistakably sensations of evil in my mind. A split second “oh no not again” – then crystal clear: “And it has nothing to do with me.”

Now there are two fields to observe: a good one and a bad one

And there is The Big Embracing One, Who says, “Come Home children, the day is over, you have played and now it is time to rest. Come home darlings.”

I recognize that all the time “I” am drawn into reading about war and terror and head chopping and abuse – it is “the bad one’s” choice.

I have truly identified with it throughout incarnations: everything I resist, has to do with “me” = the separated identity – and so I have told myself that it has value and is real and must be protected in my mind

I am lying in bed and truly exploring if this IS valuable to keep

“What you see are appearances only. Behind the appearances are souls who ask you to see the Christ in them instead. Remember – it is only your own projected images you see. They belong to the world –  a place where good and evil can play out and be experienced- and as you just wrote above, after the play comes the rest – and also the choice to play WITH God instead of on your own.”

From my window I look down on a playground. Right now, there is a father standing there, looking at his two little children in a slide. His bodily position exudes boredom and irritation and separation from play – he signals “ I don’t know who I am in this setting.”

I bless him and embrace him/this projected part of me/ and sense great love doing it. He goes over to the slide and slowly start interacting with them. His position is not so rigid any longer. I realize that anybody reading it may well think I have gone mad, thinking that my choice for love can influence the world around me – and that I am just making all this up. You are of course free to believe or not believe anything I write – please feel free to dismiss anything that does not resonate with your heart. I am just sharing how my world changes when I DO accept teachings like A Course in Miracles – this is what this blog is about.

Looking up again at the father and his children now:

They are running! Oh my – they are running in the grass and laughing

I feel so very very happy















The Christ Smile

I do not do anything – Christ does it through me

Yesterday, both bus drivers were volatile and very out of balance. “Leave this bus, he is not safe” said the ego, and I considered it until I recognized that if God is with me, then I am safe. And He is – how could He not be –  He is what I Am. So I stated my intention to see him in his truth, and remembered my truth – I am the light of the world, and I am here to shine that light. Just like you, bus-driver – the only difference is that you have momentarily forgotten – oh yes, that time-aspect

I sense this terrible fear and pressure he is driven by -and his natural misperception that he is what he is feeling. I remind myself that his misperception is my misperception, and forgive myself.

He now has started to smile to the oncoming passengers, and still drive erratically – stopping about 20 meter beyond each bus stop. Oh what a pressure, what a drive this is. Well – now I have given this over to God, and I relax- and still must admit I breathe relieved  when I exit the bus.

The bus driver on my bus home is one I really like. This is the time of day where high-school teenagers swarm the bus after school has ended, and the bus is already very full. When the bus stops outside the school, he stands up ( I sit 2 meters away from him) turns toward the people in the bus and screams ” go back! Retreat!” No movement, and he yells, terror shining in his eyes “GO BACK! PLEASE!” I realize that  this is a fear that I am projecting ON him. I feel great warmth inside as I realize that this is just a projection, all is well, and I find myself being smiled with. Christ is smiling me. I intend for him to look at me in his mirror. He does, and the smile hits him right in his Christ and he returns the smile.

From that moment and until I exit 15 minutes later, that smile stays on his face. He talks calmly to the next horde of teenagers on the next stop outside their school and tell them that it is not safe to take more passengers on. They nod and accept,just as calmly.

It is a miracle of beauty to witness Christ enlivening him. His movements, his face, his radiance. He calls and ask for replacement, he is taking care of himself.

This Christ-smile is ours to give – as soon as I accept that we are worthy of it


For lyrics, please google Uhrlicht lyrics – you’ll find both German and English translation


After watching “Woyzech” last evening at the theater, I took the bus home. At one station what seemed like 20 very drunk teenagers with beer boxes in their hands came on – they were very loud

I saw an old friend in a seat on the other side of the isle and moved over to her.We reminisced about an occasion where it was bitterly cold and lots of snow, and we both were pregnant in the 5th month. We were at a different bus-stop, and a very drunk man feel in love with us and shoved stacks of cash at us because we have helped him up from the snow he was laying in, almost unconscious, and called a taxi for him. We were two very good girls and put his money back into his pockets.

Now – here we were again, some 35 years later, together on a bus with drunken people.

They started to get very very loud, drank openly, and I started to feel afraid they would vomit on me. My friend’s husband reprimanded them loudly, and I sensed a bad atmosphere right around the corner. I remembered Who I was and blessed the bus and the kids with Christ’s blessing.

In less than one minute the atmosphere changed. My friend and I commented on how pretty they all looked, and how sweet they were, like puppies – 8 of them had now bundled together in a heap in the four-seat place. There was a lot of fondly hugging and kissing on cheeks and hugging and dumping down on each other’s laps – all the social borders had vanished, and the natural love overflowed. Some of them started to hum and recite poems, and one of them hushed at some others who were a bit loud.

There was a big HEART that we all floated in. Liz and I sensed it, we smiled to the kids, they smiled to us. Only Liz’ husband looked angry the whole trip – but he did not reprimand anyone anymore.











Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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