Breath

Balloon

Image

A New World

Christmas eve

I am receiving an Amygdala healing, listening to an audio and allowing whatever happens to happen. At first there is a time period to allow  the ultimate vicious, deepest depraved, violent destructive hateful darkness in the mind to arise and be released. All is allowed. Then there is a ray of light that hits the Amygdala, and gradually my body and brain is filled with the calmest light

I wake up in the night and notice a remarkable shift in thinking: there is no more identification with negative fearful thoughts. I can “hear” them, but they carry no life.

I have a dream where I rescue and take care of a much tormented cat. It has eaten – digested – something – I care deeply for it, and suddenly its body convulses and it poops out the inside of a ballpoint pen.

That must have hurt! And affected free movement – and, well, everything about its catty life: wild free sexuality, the excitement of hunting, deep rest and its joy of being caressed…the cat symbolizes something deeply instinctive and alive in me. And “my” cat has digested something completely indigestible for it: that which is the essence of a pen: mental activity being expressed.

Or better said: the “supremacy” of the intellectual mind.

I love these clear dreams. And the cat is OK now 🙂

Christmas Morning, 25th: I am bundling up to go to the mountaintop close to my house to do a ritual that Jesus describes in “The Way of the Heart.” It is  dark and cold: minus 15 degrees Celsius / 5 Fahrenheit, snow, very steep climb up the trail to a point I have chosen to meet the rising sun and a new world seen with the eyes of Christ. The Ritual is about leaving the past behind and looking with Christ’s eyes at the New World.

The climbing is easy, I am enjoying each step. And there is my favorite place to look out over my village and home – and wait, there is a new signpost: “Peekout” – and it point to a new small trail further up. “I want to go there!” says my heart, and fear answers: “ No – I may miss the sunrise and the whole ritual.” The heart calmly lets me know that I know where that trail leads – up to a place where before stood a little cabin.

Still – I allow the fear voice to “win.”

I start the meditation, facing the place where the sun is rising – and receive its energy into the body, allowing it to fill the spinal column and the whole body. It feels good – but something is “off.” Still, I follow the instructions that Jesus tells us he followed in his way to mastery.

After I while, I open the eyes. The red rising sun is right in my face. I immediately decide to follow the new trail. In 3 minutes I am up there – and somebody has built this wondrous little free cabin for anybody to sit and watch the view –

Now the ego is having a field day: “You screwed up this holyholyholy initiation. You should have gone up here  at once- it was made for you  – to meet the rising sun and the new life! Now you have screwed up ultimately moron moron moron”

Oh the shoulding 🙂

The gift is: I have been reminded to follow the heart. “Follow the nudge of JOY you feel. Trust that it will take care of everything – including the time-aspect.”

I trusted instead the voice that told me I MIGHT be too late for the sunrise, following the new and unexpected trail.

I recognize how I – and most of humanity? – have allowed that warning voice, painting out disasters and failure in order to “make us safe” – to be valued.

Jesus is giggling at me, tenderly tickling my ribs. “All I want is that you are happy and extend your treasure to the world. There are no “too late’s – there is only NOW”

I go back down to my house.Time for celebration! I eat my newly smoked and roasted ham, two soft boiled eggs, bread, fresh raspberry jam and Yogi tea. Today’s tea label: “Time to leave the past behind”

Time to leave the past behindgiggle giggle giggle

Then I go out in the sunny shiny new day, up to the Peekout Shelter once again and decorate it with a little troll I have made, with the word “Now” on it.

I meet a zillion people when I go back down. I say Merry Christmas to everyone, they all smile and greet me back. What a feeling of unity it brings – this greeting each other.

Sharing an awesome opportunity for transformation

The 40 days-process starts January 1st 2015. It is free. It may be life-changing

http://www.teachersofgod.org/40day/

 

At last being with the ultimate agony

Waking up with the habitual agonized desperate feeling.

Blue: Sit up, please. If we do this while you are lying down, part of you automatically slip into its conditioned space-out mode. And what you are feeling is precisely the feeling of agony and desperation – and the belief that this has something to do with you. ( I wrote belie instead of belief :))

I start to breathe deeply into it and the release starts. Big sickness comes. “Very good. Now you have opened to this the old sickness too. You did not throw up during the oral abuse since you correctly perceived they would see it as an offense – from the insane level they are operating from.

…Now the hatred is felt – good …breathe it in, be with it, neutral energy, allow it to release. Angels are here in great numbers, blessing the work, blessing you, praising you for your courage.

Sickness again.

Sweetie, that is also his/their repressed sickness at understanding what they are doing to their victims

Immediately the sickness becomes acute, and then abates. Deep gratitude for this amazing release-process.

Let me remind you that in this dream we all have experienced everything – and everything has been “done” to us – and it has not touched Heaven and Who we are.

I breathe and release and become sick and it passes, again and again. The legs start to hurt. I am told to put my hands on them and breathe, and to remove the labels “legs” and “hurt.” It abates .I “see” legs being crushed in a medieval torture-device. “There is no guilt in you now – so there is no pain.” I surely feel strange and strong sensations in the legs – but without them being “my” legs, and without labeling, it is able to be experienced and released. The underlying gratitude is immense. –“Put all thoughts and ideas aside now – about who you are. Come Home to your Sacred Self.”

I sit in a timeless space of Presence

I find some people I have held energies from, and blessing come through me: “I bless you in your capacity to feel safe and free in your connection to your Sacred Self. I release these energies I have held as means of holding on to grievances. My mother, father, brother… I release you from the roles you have played and mirrored. I bless you in your capacity to discover hidden disgust and self hatred and release it for good…and be happy. Amen.”

And then.

I get up.

And for the first time in at least 40 years does my body not feel like a rotten corpse. It feels light as a feather.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Giving and trusting

It is so interesting to discover that the universe is playing with me about giving. Sharing with Kit today, I want to explore what happened after I went back inside my house after I had given away the 130 dollars. The ego thought at least that man should post a hot thankyou- letter in my mailbox – in short, I needed to have something BACK. As I sat with those feelings, we were aware that these were the false thoughts the ego feed us with – that just giving would be very unbalanced – make us vulnerable – we had to be sure that the other felt they owed us something back. WE also talked about Christmas – for me, there has always been a hidden agenda that if I give much. I will be more loved. -The more of these common beliefs we unearthed, the heavier energy we felt – until it felt like deep poisoning in the body and a huge pressure in the head. It grew and grew, until it suddenly spread out from a center in the brain and seemed to leave through both ears. When this happened in me, Kit reported that she felt very relaxed and sleepy.

Whatever seems chaotic and wrong and confused ends up perfect:

In the evening, I was going to a concerto with a favorite group of singers. The entrance light goes out – and I find a fear that I will feel very lonely driving alone. Immediately I spot the false thought and correct it – “I am always with You.” Light immediately on.

I exited at the wrong bus-station- I thought. No concert building. Ran back to the former bus-stop- nope – ran back to the first one and saw the place immediately right at the bus stop. It was invisible the first time. Weird. I was 15 minutes late, and the group had just started with the first song. Perfect seat waited for me. The concert was heaven. Just after the last song, I got an impulse to leave immediately and run for the bus. Complete confusion about which direction we would be going – and there comes the bus, I wave and it stops between two stops. A very smiling bus-driver- teacher welcomes me in, and says “you are a privileged guest.” Oh! We drive to the little town where I shall another bus home. Just as we enter the bus terminal, my bus comes in. The controller departs, laughs at me and says,” I wanted to get you home in time” and laughs. I enter the bus and the driver whiffs me away when I want to pay. I play with a Sudoku while we are driving – and discover that it seems I have made numerous mistakes. Still I fill in all the places, and it all turns out all is perfect there too –

“don’t’ believe in appearances” I hear –

what a weird and wonderful day

Open to give

Evening. Doorbell. Outside, young man with written sign: photo of him with pretty wife and adorable little girl – and a text that she needs money for operation of the brain.

He looks genuine. I am willing to be tricked, I want to follow the impulse to give, and I find some coins. He smiles and nods and leaves – and Blue says; give him 140 dollars.

Ooops.

I sit with it for about 10 seconds, and then I find the money and run out in the snow and dark with my slippers. He has just left a house nearby, and I run toward him. We can hardly see each others face in the dark. I ask him where he lives – he says in fluent English that he is Polish and lives nearby. I ask him why he has to pay for an operation, and I watch his face and energy as he explains that his daughter has already received two operations, all payed for by the state,but –

At this point I am filled with warmth and tremendous love.  I don’t need any explanation.He is speaking with soft voice, he is the real deal, he is not talking me into anything. Love exudes from him, kindness, honesty, humbleness  – I put the notes in his hand in the dark and tell him it is 140 dollars.  “God told me to give you this” I say…for 3 seconds we stand there, and he slowly understands, and something very heavy rolls off him. He looks me right in the eyes and nods. I run in again – it is COLD outside – and he calls after me, “Merry Christmas”

Yes

 

Precipice

Dream:

I am standing with a small group of people who I am leading by bike on the way home. We find ourselves on the top of a vertical mountain wall, at least 100 feet tall. 

I wake up with the awful feeling in my body – “we can’t get home.” I think of Carlos Castaneda who came to a precipice with his teachers Don Juan and Genaro, got the command “jump!” …and he did , and found himself transported to another landscape completely.

Suddenly it is clear to me that I am the dreamer – and I/choosing ego as my teacher/ dream up limitations between me and freedom – and then believe in the convincing appearance of what I have created – and the laws of the separated world I have created (“I” meaning the Son of God beyond time and space.)

Now I go to the mind and forgive my fear of love and my choice for separation – and Blue asks me if I am ready to look at and be with some of the blocks I have chosen to place between me and awakening? not needing to re-live – just being willing to be OK with all the images – and if I sense feelings in the body while doing this, just being with them?

Sure!

Really disgusting images come – they are experienced from Presence, easy to forgive and put on the altar – then there is an image of something I found disgusting about my mother at her deathbed. Blue is telling me to do something with it, and even though I think I will die from disgust, I do it – and suddenly my mother is alive and for the first time in my life she is completely present and blesses me and thanks me a thousand times – seeing what I did as a strong sign of love that brought her out of a limbo she has been living in since her death. A little like when the Prince awakened Princess Rosebud after 100 years sleep –

The feeling of being with her soul, free from her role as mother is exquisite

Drunk Angel

Standing in the queue for the cashier at the food-market. I am wearing a long skyblue knitted coat, and a gray knitted woolen scarf with pompoms.

A man in his 40-50ies is behind me, buying a 6-pack of beers and nothing else. Most of his teeth are missing, the rest are brown and look like a disaster area. He stinks – to put it mildly.

“Oh that is such a bloody fantastic wonderful coat! and that scarf! I LOVE people who stand out – oh that coat is fucking bloody fantaaastic!”

“I am happy it pleases you. You like colors.”

“Oh it’s amaaaazzing – bloody aaawesome” and he starts to stroke his hand slowly down my arm, caressing the soft wool.

I have fallen into the old habitual trance of being nice and 2 year old and not saying anything – but there is something so sweet about his energy, kind, loving, that I find myself just firmly saying ” don’t do that” and remove his hand.

Pause. In a low sad voice: “I did not mean to hurt you.”

“I know you didn’t. It’s just too close.”

“Then you just have to tell me that.”

“And I just did.”

“And that is OK” – smile

what is weird is that I know that these words do not come from an alcoholic – they come from kindness and complete soberness.

I know it is a classroom

People are not who we think they are

We then both noticed the very tired stressed young cashier and both started to praise her for her stamina, keeping her head clear in  this chaos, calling her a hero. She blossomed in front of us.

*

When I came home, I used the happening to allow my body to fully feel the feelings of shock and disgust and fear  – so long denied and repressed and rationalized – breathing through it and letting it go

Breaking through isolation

I am attending a teleclass with a phenomenal teacher, Zach Rehder – we are training in truly being with what we always have avoided. I couldn’t get through to him today in the class at the  web-conference – I heard that his line to me was shut off, and whatever I did to unmute myself, there was no movement.

So I mailed him, and he invited me to a short call – I shared the earlier decision to isolate myself and NOT be heard – he told me that my energy was opening up, and THEN I could sense it too!

A beautiful rush of spiritual purification showered through me – and writing about it here strengthens it – this IS the “new story” that Lisa Natoli told me I needed:

I am heard and loved, and it is witnessed-

we both laughed from joy

it is still here in me, moving

 

 

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

%d bloggers like this: