Self concept

Just a moment ago I saw a face in the paper that made my skin crawl. I realized that this is NOT the reaction and energy I feel good with – and prayed with all my heart to see him with Love.

Instantly I knew that I had seen him through the filters of my self-concept the made-up image of myself. BUT I WAS NOT THIS CONCEPT.I CANNOT BE A CONCEPT. Instantly a rush of energy poured out of me:  the forbidden, “bad” and “ugly” and “not-nice-girl” energies and feelings erupted.Lava-rivers of anger and disgust and hatred. My left eye felt like exploding, and I did not take any of the sensations seriously – they belonged to a made-up-role and concept that I unconsciously had consented to “be”, but that had nothing to do with my true identity as Gods Holy Son.

It was a true pleasure to allow all this venom and judgments and fears – and all the energies they had held in place, as long as I insisted they were “me” and therefore were seen as valuable and had to be protected.

I looked at that guy again in the paper, and now there were only a faint displeasure -I welcomed it fully, breathed with full awareness the whole time, and it dissipated.

How important words are for me-I have to find the exact word to be helped. See through the “me” did not change much for me – seeing the “me” as a self concept made all the difference.

How meticulously the child builds this treasured self concept: from parents’ expectations and things they tell us that we are, and how we should behave – and what is important as they see it – the praise and violence we receive to adjust to those expectations create always new filters in this marvelous ego formation we build up – this conglomerate of filters we look at our world through to make it inhabitable for us – and to make it make sense, due to our filters.

As I now rest happily in this huge release in my energy system, I give myself a warm hug and tell myself “I love and accept myself just as I am, this moment.”

And who might this “me” be, that I embrace?

The parts of me that choose to believe in certain thoughts and learned to maneuver through life through this maze of perceived rules – and that because of that, have valuable experiences of what makes us happy, and what does not – and also have found That which embraces it eternally.

My life has given me exquisite knowledge of the collective forces and archetypes that are humanity’s strongest influences – which I describe in my book, “When Fear Comes Home to Love”.

And from this limited concept of a “me”, i make up the concept of a punishing wrathful god- and as long as i don’t question the filters i see God with, the world will go its crazy ways,and the darkness in our soul will be seen acted out by “others.”

And as I see that God is Love – seen through the Heart we all share –

– and that I are created in ITS essence – not through the filters of conditioning –

– I can marvel at the process of softly and often not so softly unravel the process back to zero –

– and smiling at it all

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I wrote this little poem yesterday:

Surprise

My soul burst out in butterflies today
and then delivered me from all those lies
I was cocooned in, holding me grotesquely sway
in bitterness and blame, and opening blue skies
instead, oh, breathing out the sweetest prayer –

dear Love, I see that beauty never dies

I flew and watched and found my wings so versatile
I had become the very substance of God’s smile

LIFE – here – and here- and here

The synchronicities are overwhelmingly loudtalking the last month:

First the movie BIRDMAN with Micheal Keaton – which is about actors  who mesh with the narrative/manuscript they are playing, and you end up not knowing what is script and what is “real” – and in the end, Keaton becomes his fantasyfigure and transcends physical laws.

Then , a play, 2+1,  where 2 terminal old patients take a trip into their common dreamworld/past, and somewhere there a woman says, comfortingly when the one oldie hesitates, “It’s only theater you know -”

Then I am reading the marvelous book “Turtle Diary” by Russel Hoban. It is about an odd couple who steals the big turtles from London Zoo and drives them to the sea and launches them into freedom.There is this fantastic description:

“When a  a photograph in a newspaper is looked at closely one can see the single half-tone dots it’s made of. There one sees the incidence of a single dot,there another and another.Every picture is a pattern of coincidence unrecognizable in the single dot. Each incidence of anything in life is just a single dot and my face is so close to that so that I can’t see what it’s part of. ( My italics.) I shall never be able to stand back far enough to see the whole picture. I shall die in blind ignorance and rage.”

Then she describes how she recognizes the perfection of all the dots, and how they fit – and how every move she does, and everything/person she meets, are parts of this perfect pattern.

And at that sentence, i felt it too – and everything and everybody around me, a busy bus terminal fell into perfect choreographed movements of such beauty that I started to cry.

I was  on my way to a Electronic shop to repair my cellphone. On the way there I sensed that I would later experience  yet another wonderful synchronicity.

And when i stood at the desk with the repairman and waited, I lookd through the long room onto TV- screens at it very far off end:

There were film clips of big turtles there, diving with humans

Then I go to a movie: Sils  Maria – where yet again the actor who plays an actor in a new version of herself 20 years older than the first-play-version – that was simple to understand, right? and she and her assistant mesh with the script of the new film…and if this isn’t enough, there is a line that the actor says, that is almost identical with what I just read in the Turtle Diary book: “I shall never be able to stand back far enough to get the whole picture”

Ah

And then I turned on a taped movie for late dinner:

“Family Man” … where the couple go through 3 possible lives /constellations together –

Nothing is cut in stone, people

Tine and Space are constructs

And I did not need to be far away from the  bigdot-picture – I just had to recognize the beautiful choreography of absolute everything my eyes fell on – inclusive myself – and marvel marvel marvel at the perfection of it all

The Crusher

Today I am talking about what lies in our vast unconscious mind of sabotage-patterns that we, long time forgotten, have put there, not to “outshine” others and make them jealous and angry at us, and therefore attack.
What I have done lately is to give it up to God/Universe/Love/ – and honestly admit, ” I was afraid of you, I was afraid of outshine my father and You, afraid of your punishment and vengeance (meaning all that old testament stuff/archetypal stuff/ that the Bible and religions are full off – this vengeful and wrathful God/  and I am completely willing to be wrong about my perception of it, it is partial and dual. I now gladly give this up to you -”

Then I just SIT and do nothing else than noticing what is going on in the body.

Twice I have felt this sweet sweet loving field of –  God/Life   – enveloping me, and gradually a falling away of all my wishes and expectation about how it SHOULD be – sensing and knowing in  that timeless space that all was good, and my manuscript was well taken care of – and i saw that my intense fear of not being supported financially at the same time was my doubt that God/Universe would provide for me if I did what pleased me – like writing.

And from my perspective, doubting God is doubting my Self

These insights just happened while I sat in this  space where i was willing to let go of my need to be right – and righteous 🙂 – about my fears of not being supported.

And something let go

I prayed to be alert to any synchronicities and signs that I WAS supported – and that my stories will be “out there” – AND that I will have the necessary certainty and love to respond to any feedback about the stories.

The excerpt below  is from “When fear comes home to Love” and it is exactly about this fear we all have as a deep unconscious musical theme in our life-symphony, and what happened of wondrous “impossible” happenings in my life when I made a break with it.

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6.1 Turn around or die: saying no to Crusher / 1998

Halfway through my education in Expressive Therapy, I decided to take the second half of it in Switzerland – not my own country. The criterion for having my final diploma was to have a certain number of hours of practice at a Psychiatric Institution. My own patients’ sessions within a week in private practice had to be moved together in three days, so I could do my two practice-work-days at the Institution. This involved a colossal burden of work, and an insane pressure on me to “be on top and manage everything.”

Bird ( the perfection and performance-persona) couldn’t take it. After half a year with this workload I felt like death was breathing down my neck. I applied to the Swiss educational director at that time to have the sessions from my private practice included and counted as clinical work, and received a clear no: the hours would only count if they came from institutional practice.

This was the only way I could get acknowledgment for my work, and give me the necessary status as Expressive Arts therapist.

Easter came. I had booked a place on an educational seminar in Switzerland. The ticket was bought, the seminary-tuition paid. The week before the trip I became weaker and weaker. The night before going I felt fragmented and had frequent anxiety-attacks. The Crusher was whipping my brain: “This is THE ONLY WAY you can have paper certification of your education!” “Maybe it will get better when I get there?” I thought – “When push comes to shove, I have long experience in enduring.”

I rose at about 05:00. On my way to the airport in a taxi, I felt as if I was on the way to my own execution. I had the choice: To drop the education, and not have a certificate – or continue, and crush all the signs of deep alarm that my psyche and body gave me. The thought of aborting the education in Switzerland was an unbearable thought – I loved it so much, and there was Paolo and Margo, who received me and nourished my soul in ways I never before had experienced.

We approached the exit road to the Airport. “Now I have to decide!!!” said an inner voice. And the situation I had created, identifying with ego’s teaching of pressure as necessary, now manifested in a beautifully exact symbol of the inner pressure – a HUGE shadow to our left. It was the biggest trailer I ever saw. I sensed the blast from it inside the taxi, and got deadly afraid. Slowly the trailer squeezed us closer to the stonewall on our right side; we were practically down in the ditch now. The trailer drew inexorably nearer. I knew, without an inch of doubt, that here was my choice: proceed and be crushed, or return and survive – return and choose ME. I yelled to the driver: “I have to return back home!” (Yes, very symbolic). In the very same second, the trailer turned back to the highway. The taxi-driver turned to me, white as chalk, sweat dripping: “What the devil was he doing?!”

So I told him to drive me home. Unpacked the suitcases (that had to be done before I could relax) collapsed under the covers and lost control. I had chosen me – with the consequence that I had lost any hope of working as a therapist. Four years wasted – not to mention, over fifteen thousand dollars I had paid until now. I called for a doctor, who told me I was burned out.

The next fourteen days I lay flat on my back, crying. I was the smallest and most helpless in the world – but it dawned on me that I was on my side: at last I had proven to myself that I was more important than a piece of paper. I was certain that I had lost the money for the seminar and the air-tickets – thousands of dollars.

But I got everything refunded – contrary to the Institute’s usual policy. I thanked the Institute, and wrote to the leader that I could not fill the demands of the amount of practice-sessions at the Psychiatric Institution.

And then – listen to the beauty of universal law:

When I support myself, so does the universe. Soon after this the Swiss leader got ill, and another took her place. He accepted the sessions from my private clinical practice – and I received my leaving certificate. He even appointed me as a supervisor.

And by the way: all my money was returned to me, too.

In the moment I chose myself, the Crusher drew back.

Here is the turning-point in our process. Do we go on crushing ourselves (calling it duty) or do we choose LIFE?

 

Fun virtual forgiveness meditation

http://www.alexandermarchand.com/quantum-forgiveness-meditation

Here is Jean Vanier

It’s not so much what he says, for me – but the big Heart he speaks from

 

Dream

Dear LOVE,I stand before you as one who has a little while forgotten who  I am, and who faithfully wants and yearns to remember, Touch my heart so I can remember it is Yours, so I can move to that place where i see everything in my life differently. Help me see the Friend behind my grievance-filter,help me hear cries for love  instead of harsh words, help me see God’s gifts instead of “problems” – so I can find the Miracle instead of my misperceptions, so I can truly recognize myself as the Dreamer

I did not think this was possible

But it was and is

I listened to this interview with Tamra Oviatt about Sacred Geometry / activations:

http://beyondtheordinaryshow.com/replay

Something deep deep inside let go. Never felt anything like that, as i can recall.

She also offers a free example – 20 minutes – about polarities- and  how, by sacred geometry, that old nasty voice that still pops up in so many of us even we have forgiven it a sillythousand times- it can be lovingly removed

I love how she comes from the same non-dual space as the Course – knowing that illusions are illusions, and still, as long as we believe in them and think they are valuable, gives us a loving way to allow the Creator to dissolve them for us

-or rather,

through us

“My job is to make you happy”

The healing that I can share with you, reader, is the importance of finding our old “hidden” recipes for safe behavior”  we learned as children – and allow their inherent beliefs to be corrected. If we don’t, there will be tremendous consequences – illnesses, insanity and violence. If I through my life, however, share the beliefs at the very ground of such dysfunctional patterning, Grace shines through and is available for all.

And it is with that intention I share a bit of my childhood-story.

The beliefs -belonging to the archetype BIRD in “When fear Comes Home to Love” -are:

I must be good and not make waves – or problems – for “them.”

It is my job and my duty to make them feel good – on the expense of my own state of mind. Even after a group rape when I was 4, my job is the same: when they expressed distress at what  I told them and were angry at me, I instantly buried it. When 2 years later another gang of boys did it again – in an even more cruel way, and over time – I knew that I just HAD TO make it nonexistent for myself, and every need and feeling was crushed and pushed away.

I start to realize the tremendous pressure I have exerted on my mind and body to push the needs for a space to exist away.

And I realize that this storm of tensions have been what the nights and the mornings have shown for almost 70 years. How faithful the mind shows me what I have buried, so I at last can allow it to be corrected and replaced by the Miracle.

Look at the big beautiful bird at the book cover. This is Bird – she meshes in with the Tree

She has taken on this “job” – because of it, when worked through, there is less darkness and denial than before. That is the work of the Bodhisattva – and we all have chosen that position in our number of incarnations. In the Bird-chapter you will read case-stories and creative processes where Bird wakes up.

The intense pressure and pain I have felt all these years – so extremely toxic!- has to do with the conviction that I am guilty if I step out of this role of “savior” and drop the belief that others pain is because of ME – because I failed my duty of making them happy.

I am lying here with Christ: “breathe in and breathe out deeply, breathe into that toxic pain and say “Yes! Come Home! I am here!”

I need just to breathe – Holy Spirit does all the clearing. He is the Divine Laundromat.

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The original laughter

I love theater for babies and toddlers, and Sunday visited a pearl: Twist and Tangle, a dance performance with two playful acrobatic girls. No words of course – just two bodies making the most inventive and unexpected forms and playing with sets made from foam. The babies did not make much sounds at all – just paying acute attention as I saw them –

until one of the girls started to make sculptures of the other: –

for each new posture one of them formed the other girl to take, the babies burst out in a choir of laughter. After a little while I felt like sitting in an audience of connoisseurs of the finest art  – and it was a collective appreciation. They saw something that was invisible for my adult mind – and the laughter was intensely moving:  a laughter with no evaluation, no judgment, no learned response – just a chorus of 30 babies or so laughing at exactly the same places, at something that was not visible for adult eyes

but the sound and energy in that laughter brought me right into Heaven –

 

The Sun is the center

Sharing with Kit

“It seems that humans want to hold on to things that solidifies…when we make rules and hold on to concepts, we solidify things that really are alive – and that creates problems. I am thinking about the cement-mixer you talked about at the art-exhibition – somebody had drilled a zillion tiny holes in it and then embroidered stars outside of it – and seen from inside, putting our head in, it looks like the stars were outside, shining in to us through the star-holes-patterns…it is so easy to believe what the physical eyes tell us – it seems so solid – and necessary to be occupied with – just like the extra equipment for a car.Our rationality is like all the extra shiny gadgets and stash – it does not make the car run any better at all – but we often love to focus on the extra stuff – even though it plays no role for the motor . It’s like the old world view before Copernicus – that the earth was the center of our world –

The sun is the center, and all revolves around it

A problem with the car cannot be fixed where it is not: in the extras

As Einstein said, ” We can not solve our problems with the same level of thinking that created them”

Thinking about and talking about everything in therapy may not be the important for healing -BEING WITH what happens in the body is vital- and then suddenly sensing, HERE – HERE is something vital to look at and be with. It comes as a surprise – not planned and all – it just presents itself when we pay attention to THIS moment. A surrender of one self’s control – a vigilance

And then something real can happen

 

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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