A miracle of longing

This evening I was watching  “Call the midwife”. There was a woman there who reminded me so of my mother – her mannerism, her way of speaking and moving – and suddenly, simply, there it was – the longing for a mother. My mother. In one near tsunami wave it came, stayed for a little while, and then left. It was clear and straight and neutral: no stories attached. No emotions – just a lifetime’s denied longing for mother.

And it shows me how thorough the emotional healing has been; slowly gradually working/playing through all the layers of disaster and hatred and anger, that I had placed between me and this longing – and now, it simply was there

The Old Stone God in the Garden

About 20 years ago,  I awoke in the middle of the night after a very vivid dream.Here is the essential image from the dream I later painted

ill. 16

I started to talk this poem into my dream-recorder by my bed. This poem just came, and there was no way of stopping it. I felt the numinosity of it reverberating through my soul, I sat in sacred space while speaking.

This morning, visiting my root-belief of “being responsible for other people’s happiness or else they will die”, I asked Jesus, “is there something that can help me to truly let this go?”

He told me: “Go to your book ( When Fear Comes Home to Love) and open it.”

It opened on the poem. Here it is – and the verse that Jesus wanted me to see, is in blue.

“Fuckeat” is the archetype of violence and control described in the book – and the poem shows me how violator and violated truly are two sides of the same coin – a pattern that only can be healed with Christ’s vision of love.

Seeing the inner essence of Fuckeat.

Oh stone-god sitting in the garden –

your throne swallowing you, clutching you

tightly into its stony grip and you sit,

stiffened,facing the opening of the tunnel

waiting for visitors to exit and enter

into the sunny garden where you sit


your stony hands clutching the armrest,

or is it the chair clutching you –

you are inseparable, sitting from eons of time

oh stone-god of men, whom are you serving?

what purpose are you fulfilling,

what destiny is played out

by sitting in this enchanted garden

where green-ness and air and light

are playing and dancing around your grayness?

what gifts are you offering from your blocked stone-ness?

from your petrified stance?

what are you looking at, with those

stony eyes, watching the tunnel-opening


are you looking for rescuers? wizards

with magical wands, who by their touch

can bring you into life…

or are you waiting to be touched by loving eyes

who will free you from the grip of stone

and change you, perhaps, into dust again


into soft soft dust, played with by

the wind, mingling with the green growth of the garden, going into

Buckwheat and Forget-Me-Not’s

and thus transform yourself from gray to green?

will my loving eyes look upon you and change you?



to make me aware of the power

my loving gaze has over your form –

the love that can recognize the longing and help it

to be born again in a

blade of grass and

a daffodil


Oh stone image – not so important from where

you came, where you attached yourself to

stone and immobility

(yes, your fear, your fear

holds you within this structure)

not so important from where you came, but

to see where you are NOW –

to really see through the stone to

the diamond of longing


perhaps, dear god, TIME has played with you –

frozen time

has perpetuated your longing embedded

in fear, and made it stronger!

so it at last can meet my loving gaze, recognizing

my eyes

as your own, released from the illusion of

time and separation


BEING now, merging, exploring

the moist soil


being eaten by worms


being the worm, wriggling in

the soft dirt, penetrating it

learning its secrets


eating the dirt, giving it air

and space and growing-power

being close to seeds

(speaking to them)

feeling the longing within the seeds, the



growing into the Fullness

of your Being

stretching your leafy veins

drinking the moist down into

the roots, where the nourishing

light whispers

to the worms of other worlds:



Where is Stone, where is


if not here


Longing is

eye is

being is




fullness of Being meeting Itself

the art of nondual nonfinito

the awakened eye

A review by Jonathan Jones recently posted at The Guardian – The definition of artistic greatness: Unfinished … Works from the Courtauld Gallery – has prompted me to reblog this post from wonderingmind studio First the post, then some tasters from the review.

Cézanne and the art of nondual nonfinito.

Or – getting emptiness exactly right

Paul Cézanne - La Montagne Sainte Victoire, vue des Lauves

La Montagne Sainte Victoire vue des Lauves, 1901 – 06, Paul Cézanne

As Cézanne aged, his paintings became filled by more and more naked canvas, what he eloquently called nonfinito. No one had ever done this before. The painting was clearly incomplete. How could it be art? But Cézanne was unfazed by his critics. He knew that his paintings were only literally blank. Their incompleteness was really a metaphor for the process of sight. In these unfinished canvases, Cézanne was trying to figure out what the brain would finish for him…

View original post 481 more words


A most remarkable miracle happened during the night and morning. The main theme to be healed in this life – the tensions between the polarity of “Victimizer/Perpetrator” and “Victim” seem to have transformed.

This is the main theme in my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love” – the dance of Dr.Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and the different archetypes that we are influenced by in all their variations. The most unpleasant aspect of doing that dance is the feeling of being possessed by the other part energetically and mentally – while knowing, with the help of A Course in Miracles’ metaphysics, that this pattern is in my mind, being played out for me, and I (as mind outside time and space) have dreamed it up, and that I can allow it to be erased.

I have to mean it with all of me!

Guess how many trillions of time I have done my best to do that – ahh – and this night, I succeeded in reaching deep inside this bodymind to reach a part of that terrified child. I found her, found what she was telling herself, loved her completely and utterly, forgave myself for making it up, and prayed deeply for help to see this whole dance with the eyes of Christ.

I saw the last man – that I had a strong hook with – with Christ’s vision, and the Love in him, as the One Son of God , was tremendous.

And this morning, the hook was gone. The old energized hook/cord with sickening “mean” energy simply was not there anymore – it felt like it never had. All cords to and from the man had gone, and my thoughts about him now are neutral.

I am grateful beyond description

Thank you beloved Blue for never leaving me, taking me always step for step deeper into the very core of the story/energy stamp – and out again


All is art – art is all

Today I started on the second part of my novel “Hilaryon Stories.” And a true miracle happened: I saw clear as diamonds that everything I do is PART of the creative process. All thoughts. All faults. Depression, anger, happiness, delusion. Reading a new book where clear as diamond certain words spring to life and want to be used in the new part. Doing the dishes is part of the process. Going to the loo is. Feeling bored and stupid is – and it becoming diamond clear again that this is my dream and I am dreaming it and I will honor the dream and not judge any part of it – because, who am I to judge and see the whole picture of all these small detail and judge them not worthy?

And that’s what I have been doing all my adult life – the life that was not used in direct creative endeavors, like painting and so on was seen as waste.

Oh is it really possible?

Now, to remind myself of this…but what the heck, If I fall into forgetfulness again, isn’t that part of the creative process too?


I could even call it my life :::::giggles:::::

The Mystic Rose

A couple of days ago, a video of Space Clearing from Denise Linn came to me. I did a lot of that  long time ago and loved it – and then it fell away. In the video she talked about The Rose as a symbol  for clearing, cleansing and protection, and she invited us to place it between us and someone we had trouble with – and also around us and inside us, as protection.

A Course in Miracles tells me I need no protection – the I that I truly am, IS this Rose – and also, as this old fear energy still is so prevalent in my nervous system, I wanted to place this Rose there and see what happened.

Complete utter beauty happened. I remembered all the times where I have known that the Rose is sacred. There is a psalm that etched itself in my heart when I was a child –

Let the world just take everything from me  Let the thorns tear and rip. Let my heart just faint and burst , my rose I never can lose. Hans Adolph Brorson, 1732.

So yesterday morning I stood on the bus stop,waiting – and looked down. Right in front of my feet lay this little rosy wonder, as a reminder:

pink markerYes, it is this small – it is one of those little self-adhesive plastic markers you place on pages to mark them – and it beamed to me and said “pick me up! Remember The Rose!”

Thank you, Blue –  my Self ! I had to laugh – I have a bunch of those markers, but until now, none in pink:)

Today I found Mara Freeman’s page – and  I smile while writing this, since I somehow know her deep in my heart and will contact her again in this life. Writing this makes my heart expand and the smile just grows:)

This is a piece from Mara’s beautiful page:

One of the most beautiful and significant symbols of the Western Mysteries is the Rose.  The Rose and the Grail share many spiritual resonances. The word ‘chalice’ comes from the Latin word, calyx, which means cup, and is the name given to the cup-like sepals of a flower which support the petals. Both these symbols suggest the receptive vessel of the soul, opening to receive the in-pouring of Divine influence. Indeed the symbolism of the Rose is even more complex than the Grail, given the beauty of its form, the number and arrangement of the petals with their velvety texture, the intoxicating perfume and, deep inside, the hidden golden heart enfolded within the petals, concealing the Mystery of the Centre. A 12th century Persian poet wrote, “Mystery glows in the rose bed, the secret is hidden in the rose.” Not surprisingly, the rose has long been recognized as the western equivalent of the eastern lotus as a symbol of the unfolding of higher consciousness.

In medieval Europe, the Rose as a symbol of union with the divine may have been influenced by Arabian and Persian teachings from the time when Spain was an Islamic country. The Sufi teacher, Hazrat Inayat Khan writes:

Just as the rose consists of many petals held together, so the person who attains to the unfoldment of the soul begins to show many different qualities. The qualities emit fragrance in the form of a spiritual personality. The rose  has a beautiful structure, and the personality which proves the unfoldment  of the soul has also a fine structure, in manner, in dealing with others,  in speech, in action. The atmosphere of a spiritual being pervades the air like the perfume of a rose. 


Change of mind

Yesterday,  an alarm-technician came to fix my alarm ( the momentum it had lasted far to long when it was ignited – nice symbol 🙂 Now, as soon as a push the button the sound is over.

When that guy entered – very big he was – I felt the old fear-energy acutely. I surrendered the situation to Holy Spirit, being willing to not control anything, and I sensed the full brunt of my old fear of men and the expectation of being attacked any second. The gift was, to be present and friendly with him, AND at the same time fully present with that energy – allowing it, accepting that I had made this pattern – breathing deeply, blessing and forgiving everyone involved in all times, myself included – truly allowing the body to relax and just sensing the energy of primal fear –  and being very willing to release the belief that there is any value of holding on to this any longer.

At first, I felt so disappointed that I wasn’t having  any sense of healing and completion –  and then I felt a big calm: “That you are allowing this whole fear-archetype to come up and not judge it is the gift.”

That guy gave me some sweet smiles 🙂

Then today, the old pattern of the “grumpy old geezer” I have had playing out in my mind repeated itself with a venom. After some time I made the same decision as yesterday: I breathed what Jeshua calls “LovesBreath” ( which he instructs us  in The Jewel of the Christ Mind) – and I offered this Love to that “geezer”-part of my mind. I know that I in some lifetime, that has been me – or else I could not recognize it. I forgave again – all parts involved, in all dimensions, and I owned it as something I had chosen to experience. I felt a genuine urge to forgive and not hate it, and to share Love with it.
I went to a movie. After 10 minutes, the “geezer” energy came up again, but this time showered in light, and in the dark movie-theater I cried with all of me twice – about ten seconds each time, without a sound – and then a huge gratitude wave came on.


Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

%d bloggers like this: