Fear’s creation

I live in a little road with houses in a row on each side. We have flat roofs, and they need new roofing. We agree that if we hire a firm to do it for both our rows, that would be the cheapest.

This has awoken really bad nightmares in me. When my father almost lost his factory and livelihood the first time – and a second time, when it sank into quicksand – I remember his agony, the tremendous fear of my parents, and as a child of 9 I made a vow never to have to deal with houses and money myself, since it obviously led to disaster.

So now the mind immediately got fired with retelling these old stories, and telling myself that now I must make NO mistakes, or I would subject my neighbors to disaster. I knew it was an old thought and pattern, but it stuck intensely to my identity. Last night I started to fantasy- all the things that could happen and must NOT happen – and because I resisted them so vehemently, they for sure were going to happen – all in technicolor and surround sound.

So what happened this morning? My oldest neighbor rang my doorbell and told me that the neighbor next to me had had moving cleaners at her house – meaning that she must either be at an institution or hospital or dead. ( She really IS old and sick.) I recognized my fantasy from the night, and thought “see what you have made!” Guilt was what I had made. My old neighbor told me how scared he was that we might have to wait with doing that repair a whole year, until my closest neighbor house was sold – and I registered that he was just voicing my own fears – “but that does not mean that they are not true” said the warning voice. I saw how I saw that voice as my savior.

I talked to my other neighbors, and suggested we sign a paper where we all stated our cooperation and willingness to have new roofs and pay for them. They praised me for my wisdom :), we signed, I left them and I just took a peek inside my closest neighbor’s window – and there she was, her flat still fully furnished, watching TV. I rang her bell and she turned her head a little and shrugged and refused to move.

So I fetched the other old neighbor, he signed the paper too and was very embarrassed by his mistake – and we went to her window and banged it. She saw us and pretended to fall asleep. Now I had gotten really frantic – “open you old stubborn bitch you” ( no, not out loud) and she suddenly turned around and screamed.

So we went away.

I knew when I was alone again that I was caught in a paranoid pattern, I prayed deeply to see this differently, to get helped to disconnect from this old story. I called her son who never takes his phone – he is one of our country’s most popular artists – and he answered my first ring. I told him that his mother’s neighbors needed her to sign the paper – he told me that he was in fact going to visit her the same evening, and would see to it.

Still the fantasies were vicious and intense, I was certain she would refuse to sign just to spite me and punish me for banging. Still, I prayed and forgave and at the same time doubted my prayers.

Just some 15 minutes ago, a big bag of newspapers that I had put out to be fetched the following day was blowing away. I went out  – and in exactly the same second, Mickey came out from his mothers house with the signed paper. To put in my mailbox.

We looked at each other and laughed – me in my pajamas. What a timing.

And what a superdetailed story I had made – and believed in – and STILL, what I had feared the most, DID NOT HAPPEN.

And now I am fully ready to go back to that time where my parents thought that all was lost – and the crazy energy that I picked up on. Listen to little Leelah, what she made that mean. And at last let it go.

How super clear I have witnessed how we create our world and life – and how willingness to doubt it create miracles

1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Mona Gustafson Affinito
    Aug 25, 2015 @ 22:13:09

    Awesome story


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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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