Changing rooms

Before going to Eckart Tolle and Kim Eng retreat, the defense- patterns psyche had for a week exhibited panic and disaster thoughts. My psyche is trained to see the outer universe as clear and precise manifestations of my psyche, it was very enlightening to notice what played itself out the first days at the retreat in Norway.

The people were accommodated in small houses. These apartments were also rented to ordinary families, and their personal stuff was still in the house – like paintings, glassware, curtains, puzzles.

1) First apartment/ the condition of my mind the first evening: I was given an apartment that had spider web hanging from the roof – in the corner behind the bathroom cupboard was a nest of the strangest spiders I have seen – big with super thread-thin legs. Nobody had bothered cleaning in the corners/the subconscious . I grabbed the toilet brush and smashed as many as I could.

The cupboards were filled with chaos: little pencil stumps, bits of electric cables, pieces of puzzle, things that was completely unnecessary since they were removed from a larger context. It witnessed of a mind that did not de-clutter. Mine. It was very cold inside.There was an electric oven there, it was on wheels and missed on wheel. The electric socket was behind a HEAVY coach which was hard to move.

Seen symbolically: my mind is filled with fear and completely useless clutter. It reflected a belief that I am not worthy to have a “home” that is clean, warm and welcoming.

I decided that this was not a belief that I was willing to keep, forgave myself and complained to the reception, that was willing to give me a new room right away. I told them it was OK to wait to next day, since I was too tired to pack up everything that I already had unpacked.

There were no lights in the bedroom – and a chicken ladder that was almost vertical going up to it. When I got up to get to the bathroom in the night, I had to go backwards down in pitch blackness.

2.apartment:

It was 100 meters away from the first one. It was the only one with a big “WELCOME”-sign on the door. In a window on the door, a crocheted white mandala welcomed the renter.

Inside was light, space, delicate furniture, maritime touch. A big reproduction of a painting: “Built in 1896, and named for the Brazilian seaport at the mouth of the Amazon, the Belem originally shipped chocolate in its hold from Brazil to France. At 170ft its first shipment of wine from Languedoc France to Dublin this February carried 60,000 bottles of fine wine saving an estimated 140 grams of carbon per bottle. On each of the bottles is a stylized sticker reading “Carried by sailing ship, a better deal for the planet.””

A better deal for the planet:”“Nice symbol: the state of mind that this apartment reflected was truly a better deal.

The house was meticulously and joyfully decorated with marine elements: for ex. fishes at the walls  –

I noticed the dreaded chicken ladder – went upstairs, nice big bed , but no light. I went down again and called the reception, asking for that light.

And then I discovered that room – there was a room here that was not in the first apartment: you guessed it – a bed room!

The feeling here gave me a strong sense of being welcomed. It was a great reflection in my mind from chaos and fear to harmony and belonging.

*

In our first meal, we found tables for 8. I instantly connected with an Englishman with very colorful and artistic clothes, sitting beside me.

The energy of Tolle – a human without ego – was tremendous. It brought up abysmal loneliness and “close to insanity”-feelings. I felt like possessed, but had also days with periods of complete happiness and peace. The last day, I noticed that the inner shell of my suitcase had crushed into pieces, and now only the outer form kept it together. You may enjoy that symbol too: suitcase – outer image of inner container of “luggage” from the past. The wheels – that made dragging the past easy along – were destroyed. That made it necessary to drag the suitcase without any help from wheels, and it was HEAVY – lot of past being dragged behind me. And also, dragging it created a hole in the bottom. I got gaffa tape from the reception and “repaired” it. Dragging it along, completely identified with the inner disaster-child again, a door opened in the apartment adjacent to my first apartment ( there were about 500 apartments)- and there was the Englishman that was my neighbor the first night, asking me if I was OK. I said no, and he invited me in for a cup of tea, and we had a talk that was deeply healing.

A group of about 50 persons bused to the train station. We entered the first compartment: it was a “quiet” compartment – which was sweet, since Tolle had talked about finding the stillness inside us.Now we were all within it.

*

At home, the first morning, meditating, it suddenly was completely clear: all the obsessive experiences in the night were nothing else that my inner child’s/ my suffering-identity’s/ most strongly held beliefs: I am sinful/dirty/alone/hated/nobody cares, nobody will ever see me/find me. I experienced them as having power over me – and therefore I interpreted them as coming from somebody outside of me – an evil spirit.

This morning I saw that there was nobody else in my mind but my strong belief in the disaster-thoughts described above.

A wave of tremendous LOVE swept through me: all I experienced in the terror nights was nothing else that the thoughts I had held onto as “mine” and “me” as a child. In that realization, I knew they were empty, innocent – and only powered by my mind.

At last that child was embraced completely from Presence, with no resistance.

What a wonderful pointer this is to “trusting the process.”

4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Mona Gustafson Affinito
    Sep 22, 2015 @ 02:00:11

    Very moving, Leelah (No pun intended)

    Reply

    • leelah saachi
      Sep 22, 2015 @ 15:38:20

      I have thought about you lately – missed you – hoping health improves and pain diminishes

      Reply

      • Mona Gustafson Affinito
        Sep 22, 2015 @ 17:38:51

        Thanks. I guess I’ll just have to get back into it with short entries on my blog. Every day is better than the one before, except today when I think I’ve picked up something unrelated to the “event.” And unfortunately the most pain-inducing position is sitting at my computer. But think of the alternative!

      • leelah saachi
        Sep 22, 2015 @ 17:41:39

        sending warmest wishes for wellbeing all through everywhere

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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