Feeding the Ghosts

How wonderfully liberating it feel to explore stuff together – feelings, thoughts, sensations in the body. Compared to the kind of communication where A wants to convey that she has important knowledge that the poor B does not know about, but A is kindly willing to share her vast knowledge.

You may just have met such A’s…or been one

In exploration today with Kit I wanted to sit with the sensations in my body, of being subject to somebody who preaches. Images of violent anger came up: I wanted to hack B to pieces with 2 knives. 2. It got to be a rhythm to it to be effective. When I followed that imagery, suddenly I saw that I was hacking away at a ghost – and the name “Montsegur” came up.

Kit said: “You are hacking away at a ghost – there is nothing to get from it, except more pain.”

It hit me with full force: there is nothing of value to have from this fight, this insistence of being heard, of winning, of being the “right” part. Nothing except more pain.

I think about all the pages I have written to “explain” and to justify my view, believing it to be a valuable asset for the readers. Underneath that effort was the belief that this was a way to make me seen worthy.

Kit and I shared how “comforting” others with words and interventions may just encourage MORE complaining. The “comfort” feels so good, so a bit more going into MY story and MY pain will bring MORE relief…

But MY story – and worse, MY pain is exactly what keeps small me stuck in separation. It is not my pain. THE pain.

And all the times I used to comfort my daughter with wise advise – sigh – until she, when she was sixteen, told me to shut it – that it just let her know how little trust I had in her capability to find out things on her own.

OH that hurt. And OH what a thrill to see that she was right.

All I want is somebody who sits with me and lovingly LISTENS, being present.

I want to include Emmanuel’s letter in this post too:

“What to do about the nightmares – the times when it seems that darkness is to take your breath and life away? simply know this: you are living a recall, not a current event. You are projecting out into the void a memory – fraught with terror, and a child’s experience – but a memory in distortion. What to be done? Listen with respect to what the wound is telling you, but never, never again believe it. What is needed now, is what was needed then – a presence of a loving and tender adult who can compassionately embrace the terror and remain in truth.

Dark spirits are simply dark memories projected from past to present. They seem to take form and hold power for exactly as long as you are willing to give them life. You cannot kill them with hatred. You can transform them with love.”


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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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