Aileen

Aileen came in the middle of the night. For the first time. I hope Aileen will visit often.

Aileen

Aileen, how tall is a giraffe?

As tall as the inside of an elephant

when it stands on his two hind legs and roars

Aileen, how big is an elephant?

As a skyscraper when it touches the stars

and is very lonely

Aileen, how big is a skyscraper?

As big as God – after she has had a full meal

with ants and fresh pataters

Aileen, how did it feel for God

to eat those creepy crawlers?

Oh she laughed and laughed and laughed

and threw her big hands in the air

Aileen – how is it to be God?

A gift like you and me – but taller

Aileen – how tall is God?

Up to the moon and down again

Aileen – how does God make rain?

She runs fast over a big plain

Aileen – how does she make Snowdrops?

She lays down in the night and rubs her big stomach and looks at all the stars

Aileen – how does she make those stars?

She just giggles!

 

Reykjavik

Yesterday I watched a movie about a man dying from cirrhosis. He was drinking constantly, and smoking too – and when I left the movie theater I found myself crossing the street to the bar right outside the theater. I just felt that I had to have my favorite pizza – and a glass of red.

It just didn’t taste as it used to

The rest of the day was beyond disgusting horrible, the body felt like shit and dying – and then I had the healing dream.

I dreamed I was in Reykjavik, and everything was a chore and a dread – the agonized kind. When I woke up and asked for help, I was told to sit up and take my wise-notes-book. It said: “Let yourself allow to be loved by us.”

Immediately I realized: Reykjavik. That word is very similar to smoking in my language.

Now I realized: I had identified with the main character – it was him who wanted that glass of wine. It was “his” feelings and sensations I experienced the whole day. And he was clinically dying.

In bed it now came to me that I had wanted  – and CHOSEN – to identify with my parents when I started to smoke. I was ten! They both smoked at that time.  My father had to have an oxygen tank at home his last days. He smoked at the hospital, and he smoked at home. I recognize the need to anesthetized oneself.

I stated my willingness to let go of all the energy structures that my father mirrored for me. Soon the image of a huge black snake appeared around my midsection. I saw that I had needed that to stop my breath from going deep, just like they did. I wanted to BE like them, to not be separate in any way.

It took quite a while, this process. I was now aware that whatever happened in the bodymind belonged to that drinking/smoking-field/gestalt, so I did not have to take it seriously. And after a long while, I noticed the stream of love filling the body

It is very good for me to remind myself that whatever unpleasantness seeming to go on in this bodymind, IS an identification with something that is already over – a false identification

sillynilly today

O’Fellah

 One time Iago ( who was a playmate of Othello when they were children) made fun of Othello’s nose, and Othello boxed him on his. Iago’s. It did not look good, and Iago lost a front tooth. He then exclaimed what would be a world famous line:” Just wait Ophello, I’ll get you back when you least expect it, I will” and he spat blood.

Othello thought he called him a “fellah,”, a strong invective in those times. and that enraged him even more, and there went the other front tooth.

And a taster from “108 ways to turn crises into possibilities.” They work for problems and illnesses and overwhelm too 🙂

 

End of the world

If the world would end in 20 minutes, and only what you have written down here would be allowed to continue to exist – what would it be? Be specific: not books, but Oliver Twist. Not flowers, but dandelions and poppies. Not trees, but the spruce on the churchyard where I played as 4-year old. –Honor what has gilded your life! How could you bring more of these treasures into your life and crisis NOW? To be able to contain crisis, we need to remember to nourish our soul and self: this nourishment, this knowledge of what you treasure, builds your ability to contain the pain and overwhelm.

 

Transformation of childhood-house

Those who have followed me will know that I am very deep into symbols. Almost 50 years ago I discovered C.G Jung and his work on archetypes and the subconscious. His thought world felt so very natural to me – and I was intrigued with his way of seeing the house as  symbol for our body and mind – my body felt a strong response at that.

Yesterday I got a strong impulse to visit the place I lived for almost 24 years – from 6 till 30, when I married and moved to a new place with my husband.

I started to film from the moment I stood outside – and very soon I found the owner who invited me inside – so i could document the changes.

I am listing the changes here, and invite you to find what they would mean for yourself – if  you would like to play with symbols like this – like the weeping willow that now is removed. If this was your house now – what would the symbols mean?

The house looks shining new. The path to the entrance is delicate paved, the door is shining white and looks new. Same red color as when i lived there.

The weeping willow in the front has been removed 🙂

The roof is new. The windows are all new.

I find the female owner, she invites me in.

The outer entrance is isolated, no more freezing temperature there.

The inner entrance has lots of more space, and all is so CLEAN and looks so NEW. ALL is so well-tended and cared for.

What used to be the kitchen is now a storage room! And the biggest change: our old living-room is now their new kitchen – all in shining pure white! And they have added a whole spacious new  annex: a new  big living-room.

Oh that was a great symbol for me – this new living room added to the house!

Upstairs, my mother’s room and my room have now become one – just like my connection with my now deceased mother has healed completely.

Going down into the cellar/basement / the subconscious  – new bathroom where the food-storage-room used to be. New cozy cellar-room for hanging out-and a big new room added for guests/children – to sleep.

All symbols show transformation of unconsciousness and fear now turned into  spaces of friendliness and hospitality. Children are welcome here.

Selfhatred – and Grace

For new followers:

I started this blog in 2010 as a way to be honest and vulnerable with what was happening to me,  as a sort of diary. A place where I could  help myself and also, by transparency, be of help to others, by just sharing what I experienced on my way to awakening. I forget easily, and it has been very helpful  for me to come to it and read what I have written earlier.

I am a student and teacher of A Course in Miracles, and part of this blog is exploring the blocks that I/humanity/ have put up between ourselves and our true nature – the Self. One of those blocks – or darker energies that we all have, is self-hatred – and under that, a deep belief in unworthiness.

Yesterday I discovered the light that came out of accepting the energy of hatred of a person in my past. That happened when I allowed the energy without judging myself for being bad.

Hatred is based on fear and separation – and still, when we place our belief in it, it becomes real for us. We start to identify with it and tell ourselves ( and are told by our parents/teachers/media from we are born) that worth is something that must be earned and not our true nature.

My spiritual practice is about finding those blocks – flushing them up – being with the energy of them without judgment, forgiving them – forgiving ourselves what we think they have meant about us – and let them go.

This deep deep did I say deep feeling of self-hatred – coming from the belief that we are unworthy – has many layers. This night I was graced with letting go of one of them.

For as long as I can remember, I have dreaded ANY appointment I have had with others – included  the social ones that are supposed to be fun. And with people I loved. Always there was this DREAD when I thought about it – and this night I asked myself, “what do I really desire? “To be happy” I heard. And then: the thought came: “Just BE with the energy of this dread. Relax, and breathe into it.”

All dread vanished, and Grace filled me up.

I saw that the dread was me trying my best for preventing myself from being happy – since the unworthy( me me me) must of course be punished and suffer to be saved. The unworthy does not deserve to have fun and enjoy life. And I thought, that may well be the reason why humanity believes that all joy must be paid with grief/sorrow – like it is a Law of Nature. It is a Law: a Law of separation, living as separated me’s in a world perceived by fear – minded perception.

I rested in my bed, allowing the energy of WORTH to come in – my birthright.It felt like ….the utmost simplicity…i need do nothing to have this – I AM this- I just laid there and allowed myself to be held by Love

The dream that came after this affirmed the shift in my soul: my father, who I have made into a monster, now was completely transformed – all the scary stuff about him was absent. I LIKED him. There was not more fear.

*

And now, another  sillybillynillywilly:

In the knickers of time
This was in the ancient times when time was inserted as a way to perceive for humans – and some person, it might have been me, who later created costumes for plays, got the idea to put knickers on time to make time more substantial – time was far too confusing at first, for the mind that was used to Oneness.
So knickers was a good idea, thought this person, and then time wanted more of course and demanded blouses too – and then wigs and gloves – sigh
time to undress time again I say

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sillybillywillyninny

Silliness – my sacred angel muse. You always bring me out of gloom and into smiling with all my cells. Here is one of many many many I have written. If i get more than three likes there will be more 🙂

 

Twinkle, twinkle, little Tsar

Little Nikolaj of the House of Romanov had a very sober mama, and the upbringing was English – so there was not so much twinkle in Nik’s early days. Maybe because of that, Nik felt a deep urge to decorate his horses with medals and jewelry he borrowed from his family members. One day his father Alexander caught him in the act of adorning his horse Freakin Awesome with Grand Cross of Unrelented Victory and with the blue diamond-necklace Tatarataaa from his grand grandmother. Or somebody. Alexander immediately understood the little boy’s need for bling and twinkle, and actually shed a tear or two, since he had had the same urge as a boy. So he simply removed the jewelry from Freakin and hang them on his son. Just this one time twinkle twinkle big time it was, and father and son bonded deeply.

And here is

I took a walk, and noticed

and went home and wrote  it down

*

Here is    breathing

and here is an enigma: in the middle of the green field, there is a deep imprint of a big wheel. Inside the imprint, small pieces of dry brittle straw and whittled leaves, while the grass around it is fresh April green. A one-wheel Big Foot.

and here is a young father and two children – red shirt, green shirt, black shirt – baseball batting practicing

and here is a young tree newly planted – inside a shining new olive-green plastic sack. Label: “TREEGATOR: water like a pro. Fill the sack with water and walk away.”  I have no water.I walk away

and here is a small area of the field that has been ravaged by tractors: wet red soil, like the torn belly of a slaughtered whale, having fought and trashed for its life

and here is a shiny white piece of an ice-cream cone wrapping paper

and here are three lads on bikes, 8-9 years old, with helmets in silver, red and blue, crossing each others’ tracks as they weave a playful pattern in the green field, their voices like crisp bird cries

and here is a swarm of tiny insects flying in certain patterns in a confined space, weaving it together, following  a secret blueprint

and here is the delicate crispy sound of my new red shoes on the new gravel path across the old field

and here are two big boulders framing the path, preventing cars driving here – and two much smaller stones between them, easy to lift away

and here is a rotten rest of a tree root. The fibers already falling apart, inviting Forget-me-nots to put down new roots

and here is a forgotten lid to a paint box from last summer. Half of it covered with faded white dandelions and dead  brown leaves. A tiny shiny spot of orange shines through the shiny black-brown paint

and here is ONE open yellow lily in an ocean of buds. Its stamen points away from the sun

and here is breathing

Drugged

I recently had a nightmare with psychotic elements in it. Blue pointed out that I was addicted to the “me” in the past – the one with psychoses. To the energy of it. The identification. He told me I was drugged.

Yesterday I watched an episode of Little house on the prairie – where the father holds his son while the son is in withdrawal from morphine. The father does not leave his son for ONE second, and I bawled all the way through it – the need of being HELD so the pain could be allowed to BE there.

On the bus stop toward home two days ago, the same day as the dream, a very drunk man slept in the bus-shelter. Drugged. I blessed him  in my mind, and he immediately woke up and came to me and asked for money. I had no cash. He asked, ” could you afford a loaf of white bread and some liver paste?” I bought it for him. The bus came, and the driver told me that I don’t need to pay because I was kind to that man.

Today I met that same man right in front of my bus on my way home – but on a different station. He beamed when he saw me, took my hand and shook it and put his cheek to mine. “You helped me!” he exclaimed, and when I entered on the bus – with a different driver – the driver said,, when I told him I am a senior, “are you really sure you are that old?”   His expression – so gentle.

Blue: “See – trust the process, Leelah. As inside, outside. The drugged are being met with kindness. And the driver loves you and takes you home.”

 

The false foundation

Jeshua, in Way of Mastery, points out to his students, that everyone of us has “signed up for this(whatever happens)” – and that the steps we are to take are already lined up for us. Meaning – I can trust that I am supported in whatever I seem to go through.

Now, I frequently seem to forget this – I am lost in an addiction to earlier insanity. That sounds insane, doesn’t it 🙂  But listen – here it is: there were some 20-25 years with psychotic episodes in my early life.

Disclaimer:And this is in no way meant as an instruction for others – this is just MY perception of what is healing for me. If you resonate, good, if not, please chuck it out the window.

In WOM, Jeshua’s deepening Course after A Course in Miracles, we are trained to befriend earlier energy fields that we before have identified with and denied/condemned – to open our arms to them, and recognize that we created them out of confusion and fear – and then believing that those levels of consciousness  constituted our true identity. Opening up to them, we discover that the “rules” we have lived by and have identified with “me” and “mine”, all rest on false ideas – for ex. the one I found today with Kit: the belief that what we feel is “too small” to be worthy of attention.  When that belief is given validity, the effects from it spread outwards and often turn  into attack on others, some kind of violence – all signs of that original false belief that what I have perceived as hurt is not “enough” to deserve comfort.

What a brutal attack this is on our Self. And yet, how innocent: it builds on a false idea, that society  supports us in adopting i: that we are not really worthy – that we need to be “reformed” in some way.

The energy from those psychotic episodes is now calling to arise and be forgiven – for me to simply BE with, bless, learning to see as neutral.

Last night I had forgotten that the energies coming up were a gift to be embraced – I thought I was under psychic attack again, and tried for my bare life to find something to do – “the right thing” that would heal the energies. But today I recognize, with Kit, that this is the addiction Jeshua is talking about: the addiction to this old identity as the insane/psychotic child and youth.  And: that to be addicted to something means that we try to support it and help it to stay the way it is – since we think this is US: this sufferer with this story is who I am.

Then of course our psyche does its very best to confirm this false belief – which is nothing else than a belief in a story built of false perception, built on what we told ourselves at that time of hurt.

THAT story forms our life – NOT the behavior from others, but what WE think it means about us -and therefore all the rules about what we deserve or not.

Talking to Kit now, my eyes and mind are opened and I recognize the insanity-energies as just earlier intensely condemned stuff  now coming up to be allowed and released. And a vital element is added: in order to be able to NOT be sucked into the old story again, and feed the energy with thoughts about how dreadful this is – I simply can, as Kit is suggesting, say: “What can I give myself now, when it hurts so much?”

Well – I can sit up in bed. Change my perception and position. I can drink water. I can pull a soft shawl around me. And so the situation that before was seen as “solution-searching from a frantic mind” now turns into simply being with: – witnessing, listening to the old story from the child, and staying in truth. This calls for TRUST in the situation: this is just a part of the path to awakening – and I decide if it will be horrible or healing.

So very simple. And how truly complicated we make it  by believing in the thoughts we told ourselves – the thoughts that were the foundation of the story of us.

 

 

Exercise from “108 ways to turn crises into possibilities.”

3) SITTING WITH PAIN

When we feverishly try to avoid our own pain – by eating, working, smoking or other addictions, we increase the distance between our inner self and our persona: the face we show others. When there is a big gap between the two ”me’s”, negative energy is sucked into our system and the shit hit the fan. Our own presence to things as they are – and our willingness to meet ourselves in new places – will heal us. Have you ever sat with a painful feeling, as you would sit with your own loved child or dear one? Try it, and see the discomfort fade and change.

This is how you do it: breathe deeply and calmly into the pain. Tell yourself convincingly that this feeling is an opportunity that you have been waiting for: a tremendous possibility for positive change. Now breathe into the feeling, try to feel it even deeper and stronger.

You will discover that when there is no resistance to the feeling – when it is fully allowed – it melts into peace. The more fully you are able to experience it without resistance, the faster it changes. You see – the feelings are just like children: ”I’ll bug you until you notice me and  give me attention.” Unless you do, they’ll stay around-(and make even more noise.)

 

Previous Older Entries

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

%d bloggers like this: