Reykjavik

Yesterday I watched a movie about a man dying from cirrhosis. He was drinking constantly, and smoking too – and when I left the movie theater I found myself crossing the street to the bar right outside the theater. I just felt that I had to have my favorite pizza – and a glass of red.

It just didn’t taste as it used to

The rest of the day was beyond disgusting horrible, the body felt like shit and dying – and then I had the healing dream.

I dreamed I was in Reykjavik, and everything was a chore and a dread – the agonized kind. When I woke up and asked for help, I was told to sit up and take my wise-notes-book. It said: “Let yourself allow to be loved by us.”

Immediately I realized: Reykjavik. That word is very similar to smoking in my language.

Now I realized: I had identified with the main character – it was him who wanted that glass of wine. It was “his” feelings and sensations I experienced the whole day. And he was clinically dying.

In bed it now came to me that I had wanted  – and CHOSEN – to identify with my parents when I started to smoke. I was ten! They both smoked at that time.  My father had to have an oxygen tank at home his last days. He smoked at the hospital, and he smoked at home. I recognize the need to anesthetized oneself.

I stated my willingness to let go of all the energy structures that my father mirrored for me. Soon the image of a huge black snake appeared around my midsection. I saw that I had needed that to stop my breath from going deep, just like they did. I wanted to BE like them, to not be separate in any way.

It took quite a while, this process. I was now aware that whatever happened in the bodymind belonged to that drinking/smoking-field/gestalt, so I did not have to take it seriously. And after a long while, I noticed the stream of love filling the body

It is very good for me to remind myself that whatever unpleasantness seeming to go on in this bodymind, IS an identification with something that is already over – a false identification

2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Mona Gustafson Affinito
    Apr 27, 2016 @ 09:58:19

    Amazing insights! Well done …

    Reply

    • leelah saachi
      Apr 27, 2016 @ 11:09:59

      Thanks, Mona – a colleague wrote on Facebook that this was transference – “identification with energies coming up” – I never thought of it that way -?

      Reply

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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