Today a little adorable craziness

The mouse-trap

You may call me a nut – but i believe that all i experience is “sent” to me for me to relate to, to choose to see it as something mirroring something.

Yesterday evening  I heard a crash fro the kitchen – and knew it was the mousetrap, When I opened the door to the garbage -cupboard, i saw the little mousetrap being dragged away from the door. I dragged it back, and the poor mouse was very alive  but had his butt in the trap.

Something about the root-chakra then – and about me believing in being trapped and hurt mortally.

I went out and up the stairs to a neighbor to ask for help for what to do – I thought I had to kill the mouse and did not know how, bur a strong man would certainly help me, right –

except it was late evening …

I went back again and stood under the lamppost with aching heart feeling guilty for inflicting pain on this animal. It turned several time at touched the spot where it was trapped with its paws – like it asked for something. I thought that i could not just let it go – it would be badly hurt for the rest of its life ( mirror). So I heard twice, inside: just lift the iron spring that traps its bottom. I did, and the mouse shot out in the air as catapulted, it landed 15 feet away and ran like a lightening.

It did not look harmed at all

I looked for the trap – and found it about 30 feet from where I stood. How it  landed there is beyond me: but the whole thing spoke to me about the power of letting go of the trap I have held myself in – that what I am, can be mortally harmed.

The Trauma Body

Those who have followed this blog for a time, will know that I have talked about the Pain Body – an Eckhart Tolle-term.

For me, a free space opened in my mind this morning, when I saw so clearly that what I feel each morning – and frequently in the day – has nothing to do with who I am: it is just the trauma-body,

I have experienced deep traumas and told myself ” this are MY traumas, MINE, they belong to ME – separating me from others, giving me an identity –  ” just like my patients and clients. It is a false identity:) – thank God – I/we have have seen it falsely: what you are, is the Observer – the part that still is like God created us, the part that can NOT be harmed.

That still sacred place is still found in the Heart.

This morning, suddenly calling the stories that glue all those traumatic moments together to “me” and “mine” for the TRAUMA-BODY. created a LOT of space inside – a clear separation from that pain-creation.

Suddenly, I was in the Observer, embracing it with Love – looking at it just as energy-imprints that I still had not forgiven and released. I have worked with this in a zillion ways – and each time it seems it is on a slightly more loving and spacious ring on the upward spiral of evolution.

*

I wrote this yesterday, to Robin Williams – thinking of him and his ability to go so high and so deep – feeling we have this SMILE in common. And it does not belong to “us” 🙂  so I want to pass it on:)

Oh Captain my Captain

The waves of your lives in your roles
Break on the shores of my heart
Like the pulse of the heart of the Goddess
Who spat you out here to play

I find the eternal love for Dead Poets’ Society
and for the Muse who cannot die
I see her in your achingly tender smile as you
leave your classroom that last time:
some standing on the desks, having found the
freedom of truth
and those still sitting, bent and scared
You lent yourself to all your roles
The smile is in most of them

As you, as Parry in Fisher King
Longed for the grail and flied
From the red dragon –
In the end, you put your head in its mouth
But this is what I will remember:
Your play with chopsticks and meatballs
With your Queen of Clumsy
Your trouser legs stapled shorter
And the wild and tender smile
When you looked at her
And joined her

O Robin my Robin

 

Heart and Mind

Heart and Mind

What I notice, is that I have given mind the job that truly belongs to the heart. Oh the pushing I have done to UNDERSTAND… I have tried to understand insanity, f.ex – parents/people behaving in weird ways, driven by their insane thoughts and traumas – I have tried to understand, to comprehend, the connection between the ways they behave, with how I perceive the little me. Cause it must surely have something to do with me, she says – this crazy violent behavior – and I need to UNDERSTAND it so I can stop it and I must UNDERSTAND how I must change so that they relax.

Beautiful mind – I let you off the hook. You are trying to do something you are not created to do. This is not your job. You are constantly saying “I am trying to make you safe” – and the heart says, “You ARE safe.”

I notice that I  left the heart at a very early stage in my life, I aborted it and flew into the “trying to understand”-mind. I see the mind’s love for me, and its struggle to do something it simply cannot do.

I want the mind and the heart to work together. I see them negotiate and get to a point where the mind realizes the areas where it can withdraw and rest – and allow the heart to feel and allow and transform.

In this world, we surely need both to guide us.

I discovered that the mind does not really really know how to receive love. A hug it likes 🙂 –  but not unconditional love: “there is nothing I would not do for you.”

But when I enter the Sacred Heart-space where we are all One, it opens wide

Radiant,peaceful and joyful

Compulsion or surrender

 

I have an appointment with an audiologist – and I want to try out a special brand of hearing aid – Oticon. – I asked him to have this available when I saw him in the corridor at my first appointment, and he smiled and nodded.

Then – later – true to the snirkles of my mind,I became anxious that he would NOT have it. AND since I have waited ONE YEAR for this appointment, it would mean that I would be one year deafer until next appointment – and the threats and disastering escalated: I would be completely deaf by then, beyond repair – and it would be their fault.

Oh how the ego loves that

I sense the guilt underlying this old story: the huge  – HUGE – inner pressure  tells me that I have to FIX this pressure by finding a solution to the problem. The more I desperately try to figure out why they don’t answer my mails when I ask them to please get the Oticon till I get there, the more horrible the pressure turns up the volume. And I feel COMPLETELY a victim in this: THEY do not answer my mails. But –  how could they – I have created this situation – and that confirmation would not transform this OCD-me: it would just repeat again and again until, like this morning, I truly meant that I wanted to see this situation in another way.

I realize that until now I have seen this OCD as a safety. Wow and doublewow

So I decided to just BE with it as it presented itself. The first feeling that came up was “I am WHOLLY convinced that I will not be helped.” I notice my absolute belief that I – this small I – would not be helped from these “outside” persons.

I have of course strong reasons to think like this – something terrible happened – many times – when I was small, I made this conclusion then and developed this coping mechanism to NEVER hope for help and be let down – and never feel the crushedness of it all. It helped me survive – and I honor that part of me who held on to this for so long. How brave it has been: to insist of  being heard at that time would have NOT been safe at all, and probably led to violence/death.

And with this, all my judgment at this pattern melts away, and left is just gratefulness for the experience: now I can ever more deeply support others in not judging themselves and being hard on themselves. Somehow I feel not alone in this 🙂

So when I was willing to be wrong in my perception this morning, that NOBODY EVER would help me and listen, I  was reminded about  an incident some years ago with an IRS-person I needed to return to, and who the first time was the very epitome of unkindness. I then told myself, while driving to him the second time, that this time he would be helpful, kind, gentle, I would understand it all, it would be a miracle.

And it was. * He even started to tell me about his  daughter that he loved so much, and showed me her picture. I mean – !
So now, at least I can do this: I can expect to be happy about speaking to a wondrous person, a shining Light of God, who would share this lesson with me, proving to me that God IS with me.

I told God then that he had to give me a sign – should I call or not? And saw myself calling with the expectations that the answerer would just be a delight. So – not a question if I should call or not call- but a reminder that I choose who’s hand I hold while I call – Christ or ego.

So I called. And while the heart beat while I waited –  “sorry we are VERY busy” – it started to dawn on me that that pounding heart was not a sign that it would be dreadful – it was just part of the OCD pattern, being challenged.

She was patient with me, and told me the audiologist already had this in his journal. Blush. Ego wanted to lash out, “why the hell couldn’t you just answer me that in the mail” – but of course she couldn’t: then I would not be at this point of surrendering the old OCD-identity. I can trust life to BE helpful, and give me all the lessons I need to wake up and drop the old ones.

She told me that the audiologist had to see which product was the best for me – and of course he had to! Then I could tell her that I agreed -and just wanted that it was available for me to test. The energy in my mail had probably made her hear that I HAD TO have THIS brand and nothing else. Oh yes that was beyond doubt the energy I expressed in my mails.

Can I shark SHARE with you the radiant joyful energy that was present in our conversation, as the old false view I had , of not being heard, dissolved? What a GREAT typo: that energy is just like a shark – it hungrily devours food/energy to fill itself, just like ego: it is never enough.

After the phone I had to set myself down  and deliberately receive the new energies that I had opened up for now.It is amazing: they still flows through me now, about an hour later – and I have to be fully present to receive the healing.

*I share this healing miracle in the chapter “The tax-man” in “When Fear Comes Home to Love”.

lightly my darling

This is for all us trying too hard –
It’s dark because you are trying too hard. 
Lightly child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly. 
Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply. 
Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them. 

I was so preposterously serious in those days, such a humorless little prig. 
Lightly, lightly – it’s the best advice ever given me. 
When it comes to dying even. Nothing ponderous, or portentous, or emphatic. 
No rhetoric, no tremolos, 
no self conscious persona putting on its celebrated imitation of Christ or Little Nell. 
And of course, no theology, no metaphysics. 
Just the fact of dying and the fact of the clear light. 

So throw away your baggage and go forward. 
There are quicksands all about you, sucking at your feet, 
trying to suck you down into fear and self-pity and despair. 
That’s why you must walk so lightly. 
Lightly my darling, 
on tiptoes and no luggage, 
not even a sponge bag, 
completely unencumbered.




~ Aldous Huxley
from Island

LOVE

There was a shift a couple of days ago: the inner critic had repeated its usual pattern of judging and hating everything and everyone it saw, myself included. I recognized the old pattern – and suddenly, I recognized the energy-structure in this. In that moment, a big wave of LOVE coursed through me, and the haterer was completely drenched in LOVE.

The same night,  the usual pain and judgments startled -and again, the only response, instantaneous, was the same wave of LOVE. I recognized that all of these attacks was a coping mechanism from childhood to try to control me to stay out of angry people’s reach. I felt only love and tenderness that that part struggled so hard. And when it was honored, it instantly stopped again.

I have started to allow all the energy running through me to be drained out my feet and into the earth. I say” ground!” to it, and this two last days there has been very few pains and thoughts that I have attached to.

I know without doubt that Jennifer McLean’s webinars, “Spontaneous Transformation” is a big reason for this: it teaches us how healing it is to honor the old defense-patterns for holding on to the pain so long – until we are strong enough to heal the parts that decided to hang on to them.

 

 

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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