Rage and the Liver

Yesterday I did a lot of Donna Eden’s Energy Therapy – i found a number of excellent poses/holds to release toxins from our organs – like liver and kidney. The strongest release for me came when  I cupped the hands on top of each other over the liver and gently rocked it, like a baby.

I released a lot from the Liver – and in the night, I had strong dreams where I was tremendously anger at my daughter. I woke up and realized, these were the feelings that the liver had held on to – too much to process and metabolize.

AS I went deeper and deeper, asking to find the deepest root, i found something that may be collective: the anger and hatred directed at a mother (in my case) who abandons her child after big trauma – who will not/can not listen, and pretends nothing happened. And i saw that I /the child of course represses that anger – and the root I saw now, was that I of course had projected the anger of the mother ON MY DAUGHTER: she was now the unconscious recipient for my rage.

We have encountered this rage/hatred often – she has mentioned it often to me when we have been together – I never thought it was mine, since SHE felt it 🙂

but of course it might have been.

So I reclaimed it this night, and forgave myself for my self betrayal
of believing that I must be a worthless shit for her ( mother) to not acknowledge what happened. I owned it and it felt great. And there is much tenderness around all of that now.

The World Biggest Eye Contact Experience-day

Yesterday I did something I did NOT want to do. I fretted about it the whole night, Mudmonster ( one of the ten fear and defense-patterns I explore and describe in When Fear Comes Home to Love) played up any conceivable disaster possible ( and impossible) of all the ways I would be caught and attacked and stalked for the rest of my life.

It had to do with what I had enlisted for: showing up for this:

The World Biggest Eye Contact Experiment Day.One minute eye contact with “foreigners.”

The ones who showed up, brought chair/plaids/pillows, sat down and made it clear that we were available.

Toward morning I felt really terrible, and all the same, as I got out of bed, still being willing to NOT let this fear stop me, I got suggestions for how  to see this day: I would actively look for  beauty in everything I saw – and everyone.

Then I read a message on Facebook from The Leader of the Liberators, Peter Sharp ( which I had msg’d the evening before to ask what we do if we don’t like what we feel when we look at the other: )

“The best way to stop is to slowly close your eyes and bow to the other person 🙂 all the best!”

I realized that if I sensed something “dark”, it was meant for me to see and recognize as something unforgiven in my mind, and so I would thank the other inwardly for mirroring it back to me.  And that was it – the fear energies slowly abated, and I had the most amazing meeting and connection with people I had never seen, who chose me for an eye-contact-partner. Some cried, but most smiled and smiled and hugged – and each one was a gift for me, who demonstrated that not ONE of Mudmonster’s threats came true.

And then came the great finale: I was packing up to leave, and turned around – and there sat a radiant being I had not noticed before. S/he was smiling so big to me that all defenses just melted. I remember unruly black curly wavy hair, that no hairdresser had ever been in touch with – dark radiant eyes which brimmed with love and acceptance – of ME! Completely  free from fear or pretense. So I suggested we did a last eye-to-eye with each other – and from the second we sat down and looked, the smiling took over, the joy felt like an inner avalanche.

We hugged and hugged. And hugged. You know, those hugs where there is nothing in between at all. Pure joy and surrender.

And I don’t knwo what happened, but i hugged my fellow group who had showed up for this ( we were nine) and afterwards I forgot the One I had hugged – because s/he was simply not there.

Soon after I left, I saw a very young girl who was selling a magazine. She was drugged out of all proportions, looked like 15, pale as a moon, eyes big as plates, and an expression of complete hopelessness.

I felt so bad, I passed her. The I saw her again, and had a long conversation with myself why I did not have to give her anything.Then I turned around and found her. I gave her a ten -pounder and looked deeply into her eyes, and the words came: “This is only for YOU. No for anybody else. I believe in you! I want you to have a good life!#

She said nothing, and eyes were enormous. I asked her if she wanted a hug – and as I repeated it, she nodded  and we hugged.

And I tell you – and myself, here and now – that it felt just as good as the hug I described first.

*

Here is a BLUE*** IS PLAYING from “When Fear Comes Home to Love:”

Blue is playing:

My daughter is playing the piano. Looking at her and listening, I hear voices in my head:  the voices of my husband and my father, preaching and patronizing: “Don’t hold your elbow like that. Not so fast. Not so strong. Not like that, like this!!”

With a yawn of release  I recognize that I needed this voice as a child: if I did things “right”, I had at least an illusion of safety. In the middle of chaos, this was something to hold on to: a sort of rules of conduct. A tightrope walker’s rope to safety.

I realize that of course I subconsciously have transmitted the same preaching –  “control is SAFE” – to my daughter. When she tells me (in these precise words) “I don’t need you to preach to me to make me safe any longer”, I sense the energetic release: huge.

She turns on the TV. There a man sings:

“Papa, don’t preach!”

Many years later, my editor tells me that this song comes from Madonna’s TRUE BLUE album. [1]

[1]“Papa Don’t Preach” written by Brian Elliot & Madonna, originally produced by Stephen Bray for Madonna’s TRUE BLUE album, 1986http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Papa_Don’t_Preach

 

 

The Carrier of Responsibility

This figure:

dsc_0785

I see it in the neck: my eternal “pain in the neck “- that I have hated and judged for at least 30 years, thinking it has had  nothing to do with me – it is something somebody has given me.

Turns out that that somebody was me – and that it was a sane choice

I have recognized that it is the very container of all the bodyparts who have held overwhelming physical and psychic pain and attack during insane trauma this life – and probably all lives. And it CAN be seen now, where I since June has trained in Spontaneous Transformation Technique by Jennifer McLean

It looks like a humanoid enclosed in an amniotic sack.Slick, no hard edges – like being grounded smooth, like silk. – like stones are ground by water. But this is not a stone. Inside it is filled with phlegm – it acts as a sheet around the spiky hard shards inside it, that otherwise would rip it apart and cause internal bleeding.

Today it unraveled

It lets me know that it has no faith in healing and help – it tells me that I have done healing a whole life, and it always goes back to default afterwards: a release, and back to default.

I tell it that it does not need to change for me – I am just here to love it and witness it and be with it. And I am so truly sorry for what happened, and that I see the love and courage it has taken to solely contain all that pain. I am in awe of its willingness to save this bodymind from going insane.

It lets me know it does not trust me at all to heal it

It seems that it think that I am all that it has!

My friend Susan, being with me on Skype at this time, mirrors my insight by asking that we both just rest in what STT calls “The healing singularity” – the very essence of Stillness/Awareness.

And then: IT SENSES IT

It senses the Space of the Witness – this cocoon of unconditional LOVE around it – and it knows that THIS is nothing that can move away- it is HERE always. And this LOVE invites the Carrier and Holder of Pain to open just as tiny point to let energy out into this healing space

Which means that is has HELP at last:

it no longer carries the full and sole responsibility for carrying the effects of trauma/shock/repressed emotions that are lodged in the cells of this body –

I recognize that if there had not been a “leader-part” who was the main responsible one for holding all of this separate from wake consciousness, all the pain in those bodyparts would have exploded into illnesses.

In my mother it turned into ALS – this terrible  crippling and paralyzing illness that gradually corrupts the nervous system. She denied everything that has happened to herself (and me) and her family  – and living with my father,she had no way of allowing stuff to become conscious

But this is what I have signed up for: allowing it to become conscious, so it can be loved instead of hated and repressed and denied

And this glorious morning, the first sunny morning in 7 days, the Carrier of Responsibility in my neck allowed him/herself to FEEL and SENSE the healing love-cocoon around it – and it was willing to open 1 mm space in the neck where energy could pour out into that unconditionally loving space.

So much flowed out in that tiny stream! – It looked like all kind of dark entities – bugs, flies, worms, wigglywagglies , spiders – no  wonders it had refused to let that out: I would have freaked out and closed down again.

Now this part of me -( that I have identified with) – realizes that it no longer has sole responsibility to keep all of it inside,to “save the world”(which is another word for my bodymind :))

There really are no words for the release I feel. I – “it” – knows that this Healing cocooning Space takes it: it cannot be harmed, like the body is harmed by each and every fearful and hateful thought we think and believe is true about us.

The inner Critic

These incessant nagging hateful voices…the last days I have surrendered to them, knowing they bring a gift. How could they not? I have given my life to Awakening, and I trust all that comes to me to be gifts.

This is what I have found to be absolutely true:

Our I AM is the space holder for all of that.

What if these thoughts come to be embraced – that is, their energy comes to be embraced: they are the very essence of everything WE have judged and hated – and now it comes in the only way it CAN, What if we don’t need to listen to them – they are just stories that the mind has made up ABOUT an energy/pain we have thought we are ALONE with: which is the very thought of separation.

We can’t be alone: What has created us IS the very LIFE in us.

The very energy( of the critic/hater) in itself, in my experience, may feel horrible, BUT when I stay with it and breathe, it at some point seems to transform and fall asleep, embraced at last. I am reminded of the leper who ran after Jeshua and pulled his clothes and said ” I will not leave until you bless me.”

Personally I find blessing a complete miracle. What if we all bless the “parts” of humanity who seem to be the carrier of these voices? Can we imagine the stuff they have endured in order to carry these voices inside? – I just listened to a friend’s webinar on Zen Coaching. He said “this is the voice you shall say NO to.” For me, the more I have been angry at those voices, the stronger they have become – just like the lepers. So what if we could turn toward them, refuse to listen and only pray/play / to find the energy UNDERNEATH that is the very motor behind the voices and stories about this me me me. I AM the space for all of it – when i choose to.

And here is a link to an earlier post about a man who silently blessed his Ruwandian attackers who threatened to kill his whole family – and didn’t.

Simple changes

Two lovely happenings lately:

Some days ago I read an article about an Olympic aspirant, who got extremely negative voices in her head before she started to train. She found a trainer who taught her to replace those thoughts with just ONE positive thought/loving thought. She said that the energy that came when she had established this habit was beyond description beautiful.I thought about my morning depressions and gloom days, and these simple words arose: It doesn’t matter, Leelah. I love you.

The mind screamed at my gullibility – but it WORKED. Immediate relief. So I did that a zillion times  – each time Amygdala presents some of  its zillion disaster-possibilities, graphically in images or by stories.

The other thing:

I simply cannot sit down To relax, to meditate. There is a huge restlessness happening then. Some happy times I catch it – that it is just a concept, a belief that I give power to – “you cannot sit down to relax!” and then a lot of energy moves.

Today I noticed: I can relax when I do the dishes. WHILE I do the dishes. While I go to the mailbox to pick up the paper, while I read the paper, while I eat: I can do X AND relax while I do X.

Can I relax while I do this? Is the power question.

The body loves it, and is super willing to do it –

HUGE difference in my day and energy!

Late Summer

Late Summer

Waiting for the bus,gazing softly at the row
of small trees at the other side of the street
birch,aspen,maple
the wind plays with them, I notice
how different they dance, in rhythm and manners
In another world I might hear it as music
here I am satisfied with the color-show:
the lime and ocher, the flashy burgundy and crimson
the dark brown ones with black spots
like old old hands
I look at the dancing leaves
leaving summer

suddenly, there’s the sun
shining right through the leaves –
the yellow ones now
gold gold gold

I stop breathing
I want to be found
and shone through like that
before winter comes

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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