The Carrier of Responsibility

This figure:

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I see it in the neck: my eternal “pain in the neck “- that I have hated and judged for at least 30 years, thinking it has had  nothing to do with me – it is something somebody has given me.

Turns out that that somebody was me – and that it was a sane choice

I have recognized that it is the very container of all the bodyparts who have held overwhelming physical and psychic pain and attack during insane trauma this life – and probably all lives. And it CAN be seen now, where I since June has trained in Spontaneous Transformation Technique by Jennifer McLean

It looks like a humanoid enclosed in an amniotic sack.Slick, no hard edges – like being grounded smooth, like silk. – like stones are ground by water. But this is not a stone. Inside it is filled with phlegm – it acts as a sheet around the spiky hard shards inside it, that otherwise would rip it apart and cause internal bleeding.

Today it unraveled

It lets me know that it has no faith in healing and help – it tells me that I have done healing a whole life, and it always goes back to default afterwards: a release, and back to default.

I tell it that it does not need to change for me – I am just here to love it and witness it and be with it. And I am so truly sorry for what happened, and that I see the love and courage it has taken to solely contain all that pain. I am in awe of its willingness to save this bodymind from going insane.

It lets me know it does not trust me at all to heal it

It seems that it think that I am all that it has!

My friend Susan, being with me on Skype at this time, mirrors my insight by asking that we both just rest in what STT calls “The healing singularity” – the very essence of Stillness/Awareness.

And then: IT SENSES IT

It senses the Space of the Witness – this cocoon of unconditional LOVE around it – and it knows that THIS is nothing that can move away- it is HERE always. And this LOVE invites the Carrier and Holder of Pain to open just as tiny point to let energy out into this healing space

Which means that is has HELP at last:

it no longer carries the full and sole responsibility for carrying the effects of trauma/shock/repressed emotions that are lodged in the cells of this body –

I recognize that if there had not been a “leader-part” who was the main responsible one for holding all of this separate from wake consciousness, all the pain in those bodyparts would have exploded into illnesses.

In my mother it turned into ALS – this terrible  crippling and paralyzing illness that gradually corrupts the nervous system. She denied everything that has happened to herself (and me) and her family  – and living with my father,she had no way of allowing stuff to become conscious

But this is what I have signed up for: allowing it to become conscious, so it can be loved instead of hated and repressed and denied

And this glorious morning, the first sunny morning in 7 days, the Carrier of Responsibility in my neck allowed him/herself to FEEL and SENSE the healing love-cocoon around it – and it was willing to open 1 mm space in the neck where energy could pour out into that unconditionally loving space.

So much flowed out in that tiny stream! – It looked like all kind of dark entities – bugs, flies, worms, wigglywagglies , spiders – no  wonders it had refused to let that out: I would have freaked out and closed down again.

Now this part of me -( that I have identified with) – realizes that it no longer has sole responsibility to keep all of it inside,to “save the world”(which is another word for my bodymind :))

There really are no words for the release I feel. I – “it” – knows that this Healing cocooning Space takes it: it cannot be harmed, like the body is harmed by each and every fearful and hateful thought we think and believe is true about us.

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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