The World Biggest Eye Contact Experience-day

Yesterday I did something I did NOT want to do. I fretted about it the whole night, Mudmonster ( one of the ten fear and defense-patterns I explore and describe in When Fear Comes Home to Love) played up any conceivable disaster possible ( and impossible) of all the ways I would be caught and attacked and stalked for the rest of my life.

It had to do with what I had enlisted for: showing up for this:

The World Biggest Eye Contact Experiment Day.One minute eye contact with “foreigners.”

The ones who showed up, brought chair/plaids/pillows, sat down and made it clear that we were available.

Toward morning I felt really terrible, and all the same, as I got out of bed, still being willing to NOT let this fear stop me, I got suggestions for how  to see this day: I would actively look for  beauty in everything I saw – and everyone.

Then I read a message on Facebook from The Leader of the Liberators, Peter Sharp ( which I had msg’d the evening before to ask what we do if we don’t like what we feel when we look at the other: )

“The best way to stop is to slowly close your eyes and bow to the other person 🙂 all the best!”

I realized that if I sensed something “dark”, it was meant for me to see and recognize as something unforgiven in my mind, and so I would thank the other inwardly for mirroring it back to me.  And that was it – the fear energies slowly abated, and I had the most amazing meeting and connection with people I had never seen, who chose me for an eye-contact-partner. Some cried, but most smiled and smiled and hugged – and each one was a gift for me, who demonstrated that not ONE of Mudmonster’s threats came true.

And then came the great finale: I was packing up to leave, and turned around – and there sat a radiant being I had not noticed before. S/he was smiling so big to me that all defenses just melted. I remember unruly black curly wavy hair, that no hairdresser had ever been in touch with – dark radiant eyes which brimmed with love and acceptance – of ME! Completely  free from fear or pretense. So I suggested we did a last eye-to-eye with each other – and from the second we sat down and looked, the smiling took over, the joy felt like an inner avalanche.

We hugged and hugged. And hugged. You know, those hugs where there is nothing in between at all. Pure joy and surrender.

And I don’t knwo what happened, but i hugged my fellow group who had showed up for this ( we were nine) and afterwards I forgot the One I had hugged – because s/he was simply not there.

Soon after I left, I saw a very young girl who was selling a magazine. She was drugged out of all proportions, looked like 15, pale as a moon, eyes big as plates, and an expression of complete hopelessness.

I felt so bad, I passed her. The I saw her again, and had a long conversation with myself why I did not have to give her anything.Then I turned around and found her. I gave her a ten -pounder and looked deeply into her eyes, and the words came: “This is only for YOU. No for anybody else. I believe in you! I want you to have a good life!#

She said nothing, and eyes were enormous. I asked her if she wanted a hug – and as I repeated it, she nodded  and we hugged.

And I tell you – and myself, here and now – that it felt just as good as the hug I described first.

*

Here is a BLUE*** IS PLAYING from “When Fear Comes Home to Love:”

Blue is playing:

My daughter is playing the piano. Looking at her and listening, I hear voices in my head:  the voices of my husband and my father, preaching and patronizing: “Don’t hold your elbow like that. Not so fast. Not so strong. Not like that, like this!!”

With a yawn of release  I recognize that I needed this voice as a child: if I did things “right”, I had at least an illusion of safety. In the middle of chaos, this was something to hold on to: a sort of rules of conduct. A tightrope walker’s rope to safety.

I realize that of course I subconsciously have transmitted the same preaching –  “control is SAFE” – to my daughter. When she tells me (in these precise words) “I don’t need you to preach to me to make me safe any longer”, I sense the energetic release: huge.

She turns on the TV. There a man sings:

“Papa, don’t preach!”

Many years later, my editor tells me that this song comes from Madonna’s TRUE BLUE album. [1]

[1]“Papa Don’t Preach” written by Brian Elliot & Madonna, originally produced by Stephen Bray for Madonna’s TRUE BLUE album, 1986http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Papa_Don’t_Preach

 

 

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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