Depth of Hell

All yesterday was filled with an abyss of meaningless, chaos, depression – feeling like dying each second, and being stuck in this. I decided to go to bed at 9pm in the hope that something would change while I slept.

In the morning I dreamt that I was going to town with my new neighbors – they were driving the car / this trauma-energy is driving me. They come from Kosovo – with all the traumas of war and loss that implies. I asked them to drop me at the main station /SELF –and there full chaos reigned, in my dream. I first lost my cell phone /my mind– and then I bought fast food ( sausage with lots of mustard and ketchup)/ thoughts that are not nourishing – and it glued itself to my fingers and then to my cell phone and all was a terrible gluey mess.

I spoke to St.Germain when I woke up. There was a lot of laughing! I saw that I have the last 30 years perfected a descent in to hell. It became clear that I don’t have to go deeper – and I realized that it is the ego which wants to go deeper. All exploration of darkness proves that darkness exists and is real – and here and now I see that darkness IS the very thought system of ego itself.

The hell establishes its domain – and strengthens the belief that I NEED to find its deepest ground to bring love into that.

The thing is – there is no deepest! I am the One who chooses how deep hell is – and I am the One who chooses: enough.

When I saw that, clarity dawned, and a saw a host of little angels giggling and cheering at me.

My ego has made exploration into a chore – something to do to make “me” worthy, and even MORE worthy that you – whomever you are. It took the meaning of depth to a whole new depth.

Oh the absolute futility and silliness in choosing to make more darkness in order to give love into it.

There is a deep momentum in this habit for me. Holy Spirit help me to see this each time it comes again.

2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Mona Gustafson Affinito
    Jun 19, 2018 @ 15:33:57

    to hell and back. I’m sad this happens so often for you, but, of course, I’m happy for the strength you have to work through it.

    Reply

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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