Beliefs

In the morning, terrible cramps come. My right foot curls to the right and bends toward the knee. I tune into it – “ I will NEVER go back to this memory, this image – I will die.”

No – I want to go back now and find out what I believed about myself when it happened – since THAT is my driving force- THAT false belief formed my identity. I KNOW it is safe NOW, and that God is with me. I lie in bed and start breathing Holotropic ***– no pauses between in and outbreath. The cramp goes into the midsection – and I remember 30 years ago when this cramp lasted for three whole days. What turned it around was a shaman-friend who saw a spear there and removed it.
I know now that I had wanted and chosen that spear to be placed there – to prevent me from breathing fully and remembering the rape.

At that time my husband had recently died, I was alone without male financial support for the first time, I had a traumatized 11-year old who had seen her father die in front of her in another city, and had returned with help from human angels in that city.
There was no way I could cope with processing this old wound then- and the cramps today showed me HOW much I had invested in my story –that is, the thoughts I believed about myself that drove my personal identity.

Within few minutes breathing now I see the situation. I have seen it before, but always from outside.

Group rape in wood at 4 years old. Man sitting with a knee in my chest, pushing me down, his penis in my mouth, foreskin gets traps in my teeth. He bleeds and is terrified. Huge rage and swearing from him: Foul bitch, whore, I will let you have it etc etc. There is an instant knowing that I need to HELP him now – HE comes before ME and what I need. I need to push away what I feel and need and concentrate all of me of adjusting. I see this as salvation in the moment. All my attention / consciousness goes from me to him: I MUST help him, I MUST understand what he needs and wants NOW in this moment

What is he telling me: women/girls are despicable low grade human specimens who wants men to be brutal and abuse them.

What am I telling myself: my father does this too. BELIEF: There must be something about me that makes them do this. This something must be disgusting and depraved beyond description – my “naughty parts” as they were called, must simply be falsely created, horrible, very different from others. Probably miscreated. I deserve to be abused and maltreated – this is MY fault, I am GUILTY!

The basic premise is that I am at fault for what happens with them –and then I follows that it is my responsibility to help them feel better. This is the basic premise of the BIRD-archetype in When Fear Comes Home to Love – which all of my patients share.
And this became my identity. This is my circle of fear, as Jeshua says in Way of Knowing.The innermost fear is really about my BELIEF that I am guilty of all of this – and that I am responsible for others wellbeing.

I/ this false identity-me/ have seen it as my responsibility to heal my new refugee-neighbors too – but the healing for me is just to spot these old beliefs about myself and KNOW they are not true, and forgive myself for believing I could be guilty, and for forgetting that my worth in intrinsic and NOT depending on what I do or think.
This song came into my head – it was very popular in the fifties, when I was a child.

 

What do you wanna make those eyes at me for
If they don’t mean what they say
They make me glad, they make me sad
They make me want a lot of things that I never had

You’re fooling around with me now
Well you lead me on and then you run away
Well that’s all right, I’ll get you alone some night
And baby you’ll find, you’re messing with dynamite
So what do you wanna make those eyes at me for
If they don’t mean what they say

***

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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