Trapped in a Box of Stone

I am taking a 7 week course called Feminine Power. We have all made a commitment sharing on the Facebook-group-site from our power: “I commit to make every effort to show up in the group in ways that are aligned with this story of myself as a powerful creator, while at the same time making room for my own vulnerability and imperfections.”

My first longer post was moderated – and they let me know that it had to be MUCH more written from power.

It took me 14 days to find their post to me at Messenger – and their answers have been later than they promised – so this all has contributed to bringing me into an age old state of mind. I chose to look at it as The Universe’s way of arranging all for the best for me. Which I truly believe is true – looking at it with Christ’s vision.

I found that part inside that was in agony at being “ignored”,  outcast, black sheep, left out, feeling hopeless, powerless and angry at God and then herself, for surely she was  at fault for something.

When I found her in the body – this deeply separated identity – I saw her inside a stone-room- like the one Hildegard von Bingen sat in for years, by her own choice – to find God completely. What an exquisite metaphor for the ego thought system:  first we play with the thought “ what if we were on our own and created outside God/Love –” and then, in the shock of being in the utter darkness of lovelessness, guilt, shame and fear is born. Now there seems to be a small I who has to go through eons of years of struggle and suffering to reach the original Knowing  of Who we are. –while the truth is always only a choice away: I choose LOVE now.

I ask her two questions only: “What do you feel” and “what do you need” – and say back  “ I see/hear that you…” I want this old part not to have”comfort” – I want her to KNOW that I hear her without the slightest twinge of judgment – since this is what has worked best for ME in  life and therapy.

At first, I felt with breath and allowance the tremendous agony of living in that stone box for ever as a prisoner, left there to die  (not as Hildegard.)  When this inner part of me at least felt free to express the indescribable anger, venom and hatred at God – “for not thinking she suffered “enough” to be saved – it was a formidable breakthrough, the body was filled with light and tender warmth. Then the next step – to realize that it was really herself she hated and judged – for having failed God’s commands.

Now – I have been raised a Christian – so anybody who has been exposed to those dogmas of a wrathful and vengeful God have these beliefs deeply rooted in our mind: God sets standards and we must be punished for our own good. I recognize how much that belief has craved evidence for itself in my life –  that’s what beliefs do! If I feel unworthy, it is because somebody has projected on me  their own feeling of unworthiness and inadequacy – “ I am WRONG all through.” And so we go through life living it FROM this belief, and  therefore have it mirrored back at us everywhere –  as a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Any belief we hold does that – crave evidence for its reality. And we believe it is OUR reality – not just a false thought, believed in.

So my interest has been to find the common archetypes we all are driven by, and finding the “me” at the bottom of them needing to speak her truth and be heard and loved WITH those feelings.

At one point this night, I /she truly SAW how important it was for her to be RIGHT about her perception as being a victim and unjustly treated by God – since the opposite would have meant that the story she had told about herself and given tremendous meaning to, was really based on that God had dumped her and judged her and punished her atrociously in this life

All my suffering has come from IDENTIFYING with her / her story – calling it me and mine.

We are all formidable creators of our life – exactly the way it has turned out: something in our soul has chosen to explore exactly THIS horror you are going through – since you cannot love what you have not first embraced. And we cannot embrace as long as we judge. My childhood with group rape at age four – endless years with abuse and nobody willing to see and comfort – has led me step for step to embracing all of it.  I have truly seen that inside each horrible act from a predator, there is a terrified child believing in unworthiness and guilt – endless ancestral patterns brought forward to us and through us. Through this we are being trained well to find the places where we have – at least – WANTED to murder and torture another. Are you with me?  🙂  Forgiving ourselves for -at least –having rented space for those thoughts in our mind – forgiving ourselves for allowing them in –  allows for The Holy Spirit’s loving energy and thoughts to replace our old “tenants.

I dreamed that Stone Chamber up. – Now I can choose again – being truly forgiving of how much “me-power” there has been in this creation, and therefore how tenaciously parts of me hang on to it.

Finding them all, allowing them to come through in storytelling and playfulness is what I have been created  to help others to do – finding their own  creativity, playfulness and vast resources of healing.

What I love most is that its not possible to make anything “wrong.” When I meet wrong with play, healing and huge laughter happens

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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