Mood changer

This is written in a forum where we learn to eat intuitively – based on the teachings in A Course in Miracles.

I wanted to share a bit from my process in the third week – like many others, the feelings/energies have been truly overwhelming and strong to just be with for me. I have had three days and nights now with practically no sleep, and strong shifts between a complete meaninglessness and emptiness – all I wanted was to eat something sweet and sleep and i could not rest at all. So I asked myself ” well, you might as well feel rotten outside in the nice spring weather as inside here -” so I went for a short walk and I realized that what I had done was remove myself from the environment where I seemed to feel trapped.

It was spring and the first flowers peeped out:
it was an immediate mood changer. I got a sms from a close friend, asking me how I was feeling- and I described the emptiness and the meaninglessness.

When I was almost home, I remembered to ask my Self/ Aurora how to deal with it. (I had not been able to speak to her before getting out.) She said: “What if through thousands of lives you now have arrived at these feelings/energies – why not just accept them and savor them?”
And I immediately saw that they were a GIFT – and that what had been so terrible was that I had simply judged the energies and myself, and that THAT made all the difference.
That judgment was SO invisible to me before she said that – and now they were exciting, just to sit with them and breathe love into them.

I do trust this Course – and also that these enormous feelings/energies are OLD and collective, and that meeting them with curiosity and Love makes all the difference – from hell to heaven

Disentanglement

I was this evening helped to see through that old role and identity of taking on others’ energy to “help” them – truly realizing that as long as I help from pity, we’re both screwed.

When I first truly honor my Self – my power, my God-given connection and identity, I can choose and intend to honor  the same intrinsic light in them, and honor their journey.

From here, I may or may not choose to send them love where they believe themselves to be – the victim of physical suffering/disease.

I found myself in such an entanglement with neighbors some days ago, and my energy system was filled with their identity with sickness and old age and victimhood. After Mary A Hall helped me see this, all their energy disappeared from me, I feel cleansed and healed and blessed. And the crazy energy of the false sufferer is GONE and PEACE is here

Oh the wonder of honoring the Truth

 

Surrender

Last night I prayed,”please give me a dream where I meet the part of me that I most need to love and forgive. “
I did: it was a short clear image of a small / dwarf-like male figure – pitch black,glossy, like tar with varnish.
I can’t really tell you how beautiful it felt to be with this part. ” I bless you, I wish you well, I wish you your highest freedom” – these words from Adyashanti has resonated in me since i watched the meme on Facebook.
There was an instant relief – this part, or maybe  male symbol of everything not-loving in the mind  – received it. We were with each other for a long time
*
My whole life I have been drawn to war-movies and concentration camps and what went on there. As a therapist I have had patients with parents from these camps, and have witnessed ( the word-correcting thingy wrote: “wintered” :)) how they carry their parents’ UNacknowledged pain and identify with it
In my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love” ( see right menu) I have a chapter of this occurrence – how a part of us derives “worth” from playing “the savior,”  subconsciously takes on parents’/violators’ energy and then believes that this energy is “theirs.” Identifying with it.
I know myself how many years I have needed to separate those energies from what I call me.
Yesterday I saw the movie “Unbroken” directed by Angelina Jolie –  a 15 minutes interview with Louis Zamperini, link to video below,  prisoner in Japanese war camps, subjected to unspeakable torture with following years of nightmares and booze.
What turned him around was Billy Graham. Louis surrendered – gave his life to Christ – and what is so unspeakably beautiful is to look at this face as he describes how he KNEW that all the thoughts and images were GONE from his mind.
Just as we heard from Israel‘s webcast  in Way of Mastery- Choose to Love first – choose to want God FIRST NOW.
I love when I see that forgiveness is nothing you do – just a choice for a change in perception.
What am I waiting for? really?

Deepening of trust and healing

  I recently listened to  my teacher Israel’s last webcast again, and there is a place where Jeshua REALLY let us hear,” NEVER NEVER NEVVVER listen to the beliefs that you cannot change an old belief – we see this all the time.”


Now I choose to know that I am the right place at the right time. I just have some strong symptoms, wondering if they need medical attention – and at the same time, trust that they DO come from an old belief in utter worthlessness – like ” I am the very center of evil in the world ” – 🙂 no less! For me , it has to do with eating – a kind of “wolf eating” –

I have my second operation of cataracts coming Thursday. I know it is important to do that one – I will have a different degree on myopia than before on my right eye, and my wonderful surgeon tells me that that will do something very good to my brain – which has struggled with one near-sighted and one far-sighted eye for years! 🙂
So this is vital.

Writing this now, I believe that what is happening with my body comes from a part in deep fear from changing that dynamic of seeing – since of course it want to keep the status quo ( Leelah is a victim).

Anybody interested in more of this, feel free to click on “When Fear Comes Home to Love” in the right menu. The reviews will give you a clear idea if it will be helpful for you.

So when the meals come and I feel like “I MUST have something sweet for dessert” I instead pause for 10 minutes and ask God to replace that urge with COMFORT and support. It feels very good – and I still have those maybe blood-sugar- falls, but yesterday a notably less crazy.

I just opened a wise-quote-book, and it said: focus on what you want, not on what you do not want.
So that is what I will do

 I remember all the times i have wanted to do something wonderful ( today an appointment to see a movie with my daughter) – and VERY often strong symptoms have popped up, “stay home, you are ill” and I have persevered, and always it has been just fine 🙂

Writing this, I feel 70% better now than when i sat down –

Manifestation of illness *

 
A big difference since we started 3 years ago with The Way of the Heart, first book in Way of Mastery is to realize that any energy Leelah didn’t like and grabbed to herself, believing it said something about who she was ( guilt, sinful ETC ) now is seen as simply neutral energies in the one Mind we all share. When I know it is not ME – but something I have attached to out of fear and guilt – I can simply bless it and let it go: it has never changed my true nature. Saying these words into my recorder in bed gives big hiccups in the solar plexus, and big yawns too. The judgments and self-hate is seen as neutral an smiled to. Breathing the wish to love all this into the body now. – Lovely warmth spreads.
 
Great insight: before when I posted anything on Forums, there was always this instantaneous expectation of being criticized, slaughtered and demeaned. These attacks very rarely occurred – so it has been clear that this has been only in my mind. A dream this night about people – me included – being driven by an indescribable meanness – seeing each other as judge-worthy and despicable – helps me realize that my sleeplessness often consists of unconscious pressure to NOT have these feelings/energies coming up.
 
And now my commitment to love /God first and most– to align with Love – has made it possible for the energies to come up to be seen and blessed.
 
I realize “the mean ones” are roles: – you are the Holy Son of God in disguise, you are my projections of self-disgust. I now take you out of the roles. Holy Son of God, give me your blessing. Like Jacob and the Angel he wrestled with, I want their blessing.
 
Once St.Germain came to me three years ago as a radiant girl- we were looking into each other eyes and disappeared into bliss. NOW I see this disgusting energy in his eyes, as twirls of “meanness”– clearly reflecting my own hidden judgment.
 
These twirls/veils I have placed in my eyes to see others through –I believe is the cause of my cataracts. Left eye has already been operated on. I see no value in holding on to this projection anymore.
 
I believe this self-hatred has given me Osteoporosis too – eroding the calcium in my skeleton – I have not felt supported by myself, and the skeleton has faithfully reflected that. One more illness: hypothyroidism – reflecting not allowing myself to speak my truth and needs, preferring the “safety” of not irritating or provoking others rage or criticism.
 
Good survival and coping mechanisms all.
 
Not anymore. No value in these now. It feels GREAT to let the need for them go.
 
I claim my power back from these creations.
* This blog is my journey through a Course in Miracles, and the last three years through “Way of Mastery.” It is about how we create and the manifestations of our beliefs and thoughts that we hold as valuable.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

I will not go until you bless me

When the agony came in the night, I heard myself say out loud, but so tenderly: I will turn around and bless you.

I have always been fascinated with the story in the Bible when the man with leprose grabs Jeshua’s coat and says this to him. Googling for this now, I see that I have mixed two stories: The story about Jacob wrestling with the angel, and the leper wanting Jesus to heal him. I was certain that the leper had said “I will not let you go until you bless me” – and googling now, I see that those were Jacob’s words.

Those words  still carry great meaning and truth: I cannot heal what I first have not blessed.

In A Course of Miracles, J tells us to say this internally when we feel threatened by another: “Holy Son of God, give me your blessing.”

I have practiced this often – i remember particularly one hot train-day back home, when very unpleasant behavior in other train passengers changed and melted  like butter in the sun – only because I was willing to see their true nature.

So in the night I by Grace turned toward the agony and said this, and extreme tensions  I have carried for a whole life and probably more, started to melt out of me. I realized I had contributed to their being there, by always intensely resisting them and judging them and myself.

Gradually I was helped to see that the agony consisted of a myriad of judged feelings and thoughts – and that the healing consisted of simply accepting them now, seeing them as neutral, not giving them any power by giving them meaning and telling stories about them.

This morning I wanted to share this here, and googled for the original words from the leper. Google brought me to this site – which is not what I was looking for, but what I needed:

https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/i-will-not-let-you-go-unless-you-bless-me

 

 

A New Human: transformation of suffering, an alchemic process

I have recently practiced ” I choose to want God/LOVE above all NOW.”

It truly has rolled beautifully, until this morning when the usual agony was back. I opened a note-book at my bed table: (Please click on it to get the whole text.)

I then remembered that I had already painted three images of this process many years ago. Luckily I saved them in a file on my PC – here is how it may look when we, as Self, embrace the darkness – and what it then turns into ♥

Here it is absorbed

and these two images show the next two stages in the transformation process

As you see, the darkness has transformed into a Menorah – a light-giver

Decisions and signs from a giggly Spirit

This is about the power of decision as Jeshua /Jesus teaches in A Course in Miracles and “Way of Mastery.”

I obviously has a Self who loves to have fun.

After last days webcast, I have practiced a lot: I choose – I decide.

And so my electrical and electronic devises co-play with me.  That started with the outdoor-lamp some 7-8 years ago – then the cellphone and its alarm and its clock ( recently its time showed 1.5 hours in my future – meaning “ I am living in my future, not here, now.”

So true. It brought me right bake to HERE

Yesterday, my electrical toothbrush started acting up. It started and stopped without my pushing the button.What is that about, Blue? “YOU decide when to turn on and turn off. Be IN the action.” Oh of course! Thank you.

Then I got an idea to go to the food-store and to listen to a podcast in my mp3. I can’t find the mp3. Searching, irritated, scared . When I pass the bathroom there is a loud crash. I open the door – the electrical tooth-brush WITH its pretty heavy holder has jumped off the cupboard it stands upon and landed in the middle of the floor.

When I stop and breathe, I know I forgot to choose consciously – I now feel a clear difference energetically between deciding “I will go the food-store and listen to the mp3” and TRULY putting my will  and Presence behind that decision.

Everything around me is concerting in putting me in the right place of decision.

Intention  commitment decision consistency persistence devotion…

Devotion I have for sure. Now consistency and congruence in practice is adamant.

The suffering self leaves the driving seat


The eye was very painful the whole night until ca 5am. There were coagulated  morsels and strings of something that looked like resin around the eye.
“Infection”  said intuition.

I asked myself what I wanted with this creation.*** There were many layers: there were definitely perks with going through pain and being a good girl, i decided that it certainly  justified wine etc. afterwards.

And this identity is, as most of my readers here will have noticed, A HUGE part of  my identity – what I call ME.

I looked at the wine bottle on the kitchen sink and realized that choosing wine and “comfort” I had completely identified with that wrong-minded identity. “My” justification was ” But I DESERVE it.”

Which I is that? The separated one. The suffering one. The small self. And I was radiantly aware of myself as a role – beliefs I have taken on through parents, teachers, ancestors, society – in short, the world.

I had taken her on, like an old costume -I had NOT acknowledged the Self in me who had experienced the great realizations under the knife. By choosing to tell myself “I DESERVE this now” I had failed to see  that this suffering-me believes that suffering MAY at least justify being comforted. That is her perk

Which is really a cost!

And of course, that victim -identity can have infections.
I know that my true I cannot.

As long as I mainly identify with this girl, I will never wake up.

I realize that I chose that suffering identity last evening who took her comfort from wine and food. And that is why the eye hurt so much and looked so infected.

It was my thinking that was infected. The thoughts themselves are neutral – but the moment I attach an I am to the thoughts, I have declared it to be my identity.

I reached out to my Way of Knowing-group on Facebook and asked for prayers –  for affirmation of my true Self, my true I/eye.

Within 1/2  hour my eye healed. ♥ Pains gone. Slightly red, but no more gunk oozing out. What an enormously important lesson I gave myself: you HAVE inner parts/patterns – meaning, they are in your soul as memories – but I AM the One Who chooses what I will identify with. To be aware of the little one and comforting her is so very different from believing I AM her.

 

*** In “the Way of Knowing” by Jeshua, channeled by Jayem, Jeshua teaches us that as sovereign souls we create our response to everything that happens to us. When we make choices out from the separated self, we choose out of fear and anger and confusion, and we may choose to “suffer to atone for sins.” Choosing from Self is always choosing to see with Christ’s vision – looking for the eternal Love within the perpetrator.

 

 

 

comfort

 

 

 

sweet dreams

In a very messy room, ( I think it belonged to me :)) I found a strange and beautiful object. It was made by metal, small and compact, and as I looked at it I could see glitches. I wriggled it a bit, and as by miracle it folded out like a flower – or a miraculous version of the Swiss pen-knife.

It consisted of knife,fork, teaspoon and soup-spoon.

All helpers for taking in nourishment.

It was all there, folded into One

Given by Grace

Received in gratefulness

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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