Guidance shared

New guidance today –

I was visiting the drugstore to pick u a new medicine for osteoporosis that a doctor has called in. They found nothing in the drugstore. Inside I got warm and light and peaceful – I chose to see it as a sign to trust my intuition and do the exercises and visualizations I WANT to do, as a joyful practice – and never more take a medicine out of fear.

With a light heart I walked on to a cinema close by – and met an old friend. She drove me home after the movie, and I could share the inner guidance with her – and you have no idea how wonderfully freeing and joyful that felt.

Just in one short week I am so much trusting of the inner guidance. Now it feels naturally and easy to do the exercises because I get a nudge to do them – no more “I MUST do this in order to heal myself.”

So now i do them with ease and gratitude – and no obligation.

Home

Today I received a huge gift from a fellow lover of A Course in Miracles: the new edition. 1946 pages.

The book lay on my right side, while I was attending to some old pains and inner jumps around the heart. Each time I have been able to reach deeper into the origin of this old fear imprint. Yesterday I saw that it has to do with the primal pain of being a body who is ripped to peaces by wild animals – reptile brain-memories – but this time also Colosseum memories – the gladiators and the lions.

I have long time stopped to try to figure out if these are personal memories from earlier incarnations  – suffice to say that they belong to the memory pool of mankind, of death and fear of death – and all the human may tell him/herself at the moment of such a death, and therefore carry further in their soul. I am a conduit of it – that I know. The Self has chosen to  “round this off” in this life – that I know.

So now I sat down again with the strange inner “jumpiness” and fear -energy, and asked for help to see. I was shown a group in another country, and I asked to speak to their spokesperson. She came forth, and I told her it was time for this group to allow the energy to return, so they could own it and allow it to transform  – realizing the wonder of forgiveness and their own connection to Self. I also introduced them to Spontaneous Transformation Technique, and felt all the time the connection between the group and me. Wonderful connection, and angels and Masters there to assist.

Then   I closed the connection, and went back to the “being with” the fear place. I prayed to feel safe always – permanent – I prayed to truly remember who I am  in Reality- the Holy Son of God, The Light of God.

Instantly I was nudged to open the new acim-edition randomly. I put my finger in there – there are 1946 pages in that book 🙂 – and my finger landed exactly on “memory”

I felt a deep peace. I will not doubt who I am, and the protection I have as His child. And something deep shifted within this fear filled body.

Then the phone rang. A dear friend who was supposed to come here and play was stuck in traffic, there was a marathon  in town and lots of streets were closed off. She would be very late, she said.

I knew the power of prayer now. So I declared that I was willing to have removed any blocks between us, and intended her to be here latest 5pm. I chose it with all of me.

She just called – and said that about that time, the traffic had mysteriously cleared up, and that she would be here in good time before five pm

And I know – this happens for me – so that I truly shall take it seriously that I am safe, held, helped,assisted,loved, and truly be willing to cancel old belief systems of fear.

I am not alone

I am not alone

I am not alone

Life Loves Me

The gratefulness I feel right now is enormous

The methods I use and teach as a healer, beside Expressive Arts Therapy, are A Course in Miracles and Spontaneous Transformation Technique©

Yet another digital thingy has helped me lately – my readers will remember  the out-door lamp and the door bell – is the timer on my cell phone! I have used it to time a five minutes x 3-meditation in lesson 3  in The Way of Mastery – and it has done weird things: I sit and wait for the timer to ring – and it does not – and I sit and wait and wait – and it does not ring …

So I open it to look how many minutes I have left, since it feels I have sat there for 10 minutes at least – and the second I grip the phone to open it, it rings.

The two first times this was fun – but now, after this repeating for the last 4 weeks, today I got the idea to watch the TV-clock in front of me. Sure enough, it showed 10 minutes as I sat there waiting for the timer to sound the five-minute-signal.

I was aware that what I started out with today, was the tremendous feeling of pressure and force, OCD-like – I HAVE TO “get” this – control this – understand this. And I sat as Christ with it, allowing it to be there,truly wanting to be guided to realize what the gift was.

These obsessive-compulsive feelings have laid my creative life barren for the last two months: I have been stuck in believing I have to produce a creative “result” – a painting, a sculpture, a poem – instead of enjoying myself playing and watching where it wants to go. Everything has shut down, coalesced into a hard ball of compulsion, no joy whatever,  life becoming dull and pale as a tepid puddle

Now -the cellphone behavior has stayed that way until I at last today KNOW what that time-weirdness was FOR: Yet another digital way my Universe  shows me that I AM SAFE. I am taken care of – I can trust this, and therefore trust the process, completely.

The moment I realized, I left the Christ meditation and found that part of me who had needed to hold on to this compulsive self-coercion as a way to survive. I asked where it could be found in my body: left lung. I went there and saw this terrified one who needed to control herself completely after severe trauma in order to stay safe inside her family. The moment I discovered her and told her that I saw her and was there for her, the energetic connection was made. The dams of grief broke. She saw she was not alone any longer. I acknowledged to her that it had been a vital choice to make when she was little – it would have been dangerous to be open about this in the family – she would not have been heard at all. As long as nobody would see and hear and listen to her, this was a wise choice to take. Holding on to this, creating this pattern, has kept us alive and functioning – and now is the glorious moment to let it out and express, with me as her loving companion.

So she did the best thing she could at that time: making a decision to control ,repress, push away whatever reminded her of the agony.  NOW – with me – she was no longer alone, the spell could be dissolved.

And so we dissolved it – I encouraged her to feel the fear and anger and express in any way she wanted and needed, while I was witnessing it all from a neutral and all-loving observer-state – like a fairy godmother maybe. You know these godmothers – they love us and support us, but will never interfere with our feelings, they trust us completely to have the strength and wisdom necessary to go through life – into the desert and out again. Some even does that in 40 days. I have used a bit longer.

There came a moment where she discovered that the LOVE that embraced her was stronger than the original trauma, and the beliefs unwound beautifully.

I asked her then, what did she need now – after all of this?

Pause. “That you don’t get mad if I fall back into the control-pattern.”

Realizing, that only if I believed that to be serious, I would be in trouble – just being aware that “oh, there I go again, no biggie” would be just fine.

Watching how the ego wants guilt and punishment to strengthen its hold on us

 

Now I checked out the cellphone timer again in 5 minutes –  meditation. Twice. The timer behaving like other timers – signaling after five minutes. What does this mean?

OH! here comes rushes of spiritual energy! It means I am looked after! This is the third time God has shown me She uses whatever means to show me that I am NOT a separated traumatized human being.

The first was my outdoor lamp that lightens automatically when it is dark. Whenever it did not, for 3 years, I could stand there and look at it and find whatever darkness in me at that moment that I believed was true – and acknowledge it and forgive myself – and the light went on.

The second was the electronic door-bell, who the last year has co-cooed in a different way than when one pushes the button – it co-coo’es when nobody is there. Except I now know that my Self is there, each time letting me know to put everything I do away, sit down and pay attention to the energies that wants to come through and be released

The third – all good things go by threes – is today, my cellphone-timer. It took me just one month to see it this time.

All of this – through the last 5 years – to help me see that I am taken care of

It pretty well takes care of the separation-conviction!

It shows me: in each and every situation where “things happen,” I have the choice to how I want to relate to it. As a victim – oh this is too serious, I am being punished, I must have done something to deserve this, I haven’t done “enough “ (therapy, work on myself, exercise blah) – or as creator:

This has come up for me to see and love. I acknowledge that something happened sometime  – in this or other lives / in other dimensions of the multidimensional hologram of the universe, that caused me to make beliefs and draw conclusions from what happened – and what they all have in common is the root-belief of the human: I am on my own here. Every man for himself. Love and acknowledgments must be earned from others/ the outside.

As soon as I turned toward that compulsive obsessive controller inside with curiosity and love, she led me straight back to Source – and then the Outer ( this time the cell-phone) mirrored my new – and true – perception. As soon as I saw the real meaning of the cellphone-behavior, it turned back to normal.

*

Back to the little one in the left lung:

I asked her to imagine out how it would feel to truly KNOW that the pattern was gone, that is was absolutely safe – just pretending , just playing –

She told me it would feel so safe

And how does it feel to feel so safe?

Like life is safe for me –  life is simple – life loves me! LIFE LOVES ME!

I sat as the observer and allowed the energy of this belief to flow through me – LIFE LOVES ME

And we had a little ceremony where she said three times with me I AM LOVED BY LIFE, claiming it and owning it

 

 

Are you constantly hungry?

 

I have highly addicted personality.

I also have a fierce determination ( which someone may call stubbornness.) I don’t want to EVER again be on the victim-end of “you have to, or else.” – meaning strict diets that have to be followed religiously.

So I have explored the archetypes with great vigilance and many cold dips, and the latest challenge has been – wait for it

FOOD

As always, as soon as an archetype has presented itself for thorough exploration, * and I have stated my willingness, all the info I need has popped up in media. The latest input is called Bright Line Eating. It states the scientific evidence for the wisdom of completely stopping sugar, flour and even artificial sweetening like Stevia. That is, for us with an addictive personality and brain. Count me in.The author Susan Peirce Thompson, PhD, shows that we need to heal and re-train  part of the brain that has the addiction by removing sugar, flour and even Stevia from all that we eat.

Completely.

I have no doubt that that brain-part must be healed and weaned and retrained – and I knew, after reading the whole book thoroughly, that I wanted to find a way to do it without any kind of limitation at all.

The first thing I did was sitting down and breathing consciously – stating my intention of being with the energy of addictive neediness – the “MUSTMUSTMUST have or I will die.” I committed to not having honey on my bread for breakfast, and truly feeling how it felt. I was curious.

It was  amazing: the field of need opened very fast and deep, and I saw that the purpose of this very field was to prevent the underlying eternal love and natural sweetness to be seen. I realized I could indeed use the very addictive pull as a portal into the sea of LOVE and Self.

I sat with that sweetness; it was all-encompassing, all Motherly. Nourishing, comforting. And a deep peace I haven’t been able to feel in years.

The rest of the day I was vigilant for  situations and thoughts where I sensed the addictive pull for anything at all to put in my mouth to take me away from HERE ( and also to divert my attention, like TV and Internet and Facebook.) I thanked it for coming and sat with it, with the willingness to sense what was just under it. The sweetness or nourishment was there constantly.

Breakfast today – should I take that honey now? I knew, “yes” – and that I should just be vigilant for HOW it nourished me, exactly how it tasted – (chewing thirty times each bite) – and suddenly, after 3 bites – now there are shivers up my back – I WAS FULL.

And it wasn’t the honey that made me full: it was eating with the insight that my true sweetness underneath the eating was available all the time  – I was full.

I felt awesome to go to the trashcan and allow the half eaten bread with honey go.

The whole thing has to do with allowing LOVE –  I have never been good at that ( meaning I suck at it.) But opening up to this all-loving mother in me and receiving Her is a great way for me to practice receiving love. And God knows I need practice – in other words, allowing myself to receive love

*

Of course I have to do a little marketing here: you might click on “When Fear Comes Home to Love”  in the right menu,and check it out on the Amazon-page.Lots of good stuff there – and Blue, my inner guide, has put magic in it so whenever you have a question you need a spiritual answer to, open the book at random and just put your pinky in there.You may find it works for you too.

 

 

The Victim Story that Crumbled

I have been through a very taxing period, old toxic energies coming up to be released.

I started with me needing information from the chairman of the board in our housing community: expenses for each house in  cable and web  – I can deduct this from taxes.

1) Chairman takes 8 days to answer. Then she answers with a text, telling me that I am the only one who has asked for this- hinting that I am silly.

2)In those 8 days I bring up a zillion stories about being overpowered, disrespected, not worthy etc. I send texts, she tells me she will answer me, and doesn’t.

3)I send her a mail where I am very straight and adult and state that we have a right to  know these expenses. No answer.

4)After one more week I meet her outside my house, and she is running by, telling me that she is on her way to work out and will send me a text when she returns.

5) 4 hours later I have worked myself into  a state of rage and confusion and powerlessness, telling myself that I have to be firm and tell her to get the finger out – but telling myself that if I do so, we will have a terrible relationship for as long as we live here. I text her and ask for the text she promises – she answers, “I have just returned from my work-out…”

I am now convinced that she is having a power struggle with me – the energy of my creation is toxic and explosive.

6)I KNOW this is FOR me and not against me, and I pray and pray to be shown the beliefs that are driving of all this. I get lots of answers, forgets most of them, since the energy is  tremendously convincing: she is playing with me, as the cat with the mouse, just before she kills me.

What turned me around and allowed me a new perception was something David Youngblood told me in a session last year:

“Leelah’s physical body is safe to experiencing feeling anything she has been afraid of looking at in her mind. We could re-experiencing it – and believe we were being punished – OR, we could experience it as we knew it was going out the door and this was the way it would leave.  – The last moves through you and is complete – the other way punishes you because you think you have to continue living with it. —The whole point of allowing for the energies to enter back into the body is so you will know – once and for all –  that you can experience them and that you will be Okay – you are safe to experience them. Because the resistance to experience them is the only thing that makes them continue to come back.”

Ahhh! Great release – I was just giving power to this old victim-story, and fueling it with energy, and guess if I fueled the dark energies in it too – the ones  that attach to “ you are not worthy of respect.”

I asked myself, what is the root of this for me – what is she mirroring back to me that I haven’t forgiven?

I found it pretty soon – when my daughter acted out when she was small, in a way that I never could in my childhood, there was a moment where I knew that If I allow her to play this out, I will disintegrate, fall apart, looneybin next. I SAW how fragile my borders were here, and I chose to scare her, really frowning and calling out loud –

And she responded immediately, turning herself off. Switch! Obedient crying child.

So I went through a forgiveness-process from “Way of the Heart” – finding the” me” that had to split off/dissociate/ in order to feel a vital sense of “self.”

I saw that both my parents had the same pattern – and most probably, our ancestors

I forgave us all, me included, for the choice of exploring/playing out these identities as soul, experiencing fully the consequence of believing we could be separated from our Source/LOVE.

As I sensed the alignment to my Self, I felt an urge to bless my neighbor for playing out this  pattern with me, and I asked to seen her innocence – which shone brightly at me.

This morning, I found an answer to my first mail, with full information of what I needed for my tax report. Her energy and wording were quite different from her earlier mail and texts – and the energy was quite clean and straight.

A beautiful example of what Jeshua teaches us – how we project our stories on our “enemies” or “relatives/others” – and  as I reclaimed my energy and forgave myself , she was released from my projection.

people pleasing – and being genuine

Shame – and infertility

Shame is part of the energy of separation: “there is something wrong with you.”

In the One Mind – us all as ONE -this strange idea seeped in  – that there could be an opposite of this One, an opposite of LOVE. And in the second where we, as Spirit, believed in this thought, separation happened – or seemed to happen

And I –  and we  – who want to wake up to our original state of Oneness – and stay there:) – know that when we identify with the dark feelings/energies, Oneness has gone – or better: we have left it.

Particularly when it comes to menstrual cramps, is this important to know – since shame is toxic, and when we identify with it (this goes for me too, of course)- attach a story about “me” to it – it turns against us and creates havoc with our inner and outer sexual organs – that now have the manifestation of something wrong and shameful and painful attached to it.

We then think it is ours – since we think we are this separated body, and not our true identity, which is abstract eternal Spirit. And what we think is ours, we protect.

So the pain stays until we are willing to consider  what we truly are – and from that Place, talk to that pain, that shame-infected part in the womb.

I  had  a women in therapy who could not have children – and just after a few sessions opened up to the pain that was deeply repressed about being unworthy as woman and shortly after, became pregnant. I truly see the magnitude of power our belief in shame has when it comes to  stopping women from becoming pregnant. It seems to me it is really the womb that believes it must stop life to come into it, since it is so shameful.

If you are a woman – consider how different it would feel to know that the energy of shame is not who you are – in fact, you can relate TO it with LOVE. Particularly  because you ARE it not, YOU can choose to beam Love into it. You don’t do this in order to heal it or change it – that would make that awkward energy of “trying to change things” – instead you are realizing that in the beginning, there was Light – and you were there, AS that Light within the Light.

This collective feminine shame of the womb and inner and outer genitalia – and even sexual feelings – nakedness – is in fact like a curse on the Divine Mother.

We all carry the archetype with us. Women identify with her, men relate to the archetype through their mother,sister and lovers. As long as we women haven’t healed our part of that collective shame, we will carry parts of it as menstrual cramps and  sexual related diseases.

So I was playing with this today, in a session – and  we saw  how deeply we identify with the pain. Instead of realizing that we ARE the witness of it: neutral, loving,all-accepting, who can never be changed or harmed. But because we know that, we can choose to send love in to the pain.

Not to change it or fix it – that intention creates a confused energy – we just set an intention to BE who we are – that Original Light, created in God’s image – and intend to beam a light from our heart into the pain.

We are not responsible to heal it. We just Love because Love is who we are, and we choose to beam this love just because it feels terrific.

And in that allowance, it becomes so clear  to me that the shame in itself is just neutral energy – believing the stories ABOUT it and saying “it is me or mine” creates the pain and maintains the separation.

 

God is Playing

This is what I call these nudges and “coincidences” that constantly push me in the direction of awakening.

Outside of this path in the wood it is icy and slippery surface. I have crampons strapped on my boots. In my language, crampons and “sting” means the same – as in “Death, where is thy sting?”

Readers will probably have noticed that I live and am constantly nudged into awakening by my Higher Self, which I call Blue – by symbols and metaphors.

These happened today – after I had fully surrendered control to the Self Who know the Plan and has all the cards and knows all the steps in their perfect timing.

I stand in the dark wood, taking photos of dark and light – I am fascinated at the light I can see right outside the wood, shining in through trees standing very close.

Right in front of me the sun is shining in from my left, creating a shining path of Light. My heart starts to beat hard, a sign to pay attention. I know that stepping inside that path of light will feel blissful.

This is how it looks, right before I step into it.

(I have an mp3 player on, playing a podcast from a comedian.)

entrance-to-gloria

The comedian introduces a female group who sings a Christmas Psalm. The moment I step into that light, they sing: Gloria in Excelsis Deo and repeat in long enough until I become truly aware of the synchronicity.

Next photo:gloria-in-excelcis-deo

Here I am one step away.

And here I turn toward the sun and become aware of the Gloria, being repeated and sung again and again.

looking-right-into-gloria

Time disappears.

Then I walk on, and soon discover that I have lost my crampon on the right foot – or, as I would call it: the “sting.” When I search for sentences with “sting”, I find, ” Death, where is Thy sting?”

I decide to walk back until i find it. I don’t find it, and return to the shining light path. Right there – where I stood – lies my “sting.” It is of thick rubber with metal crampons/stings-it is very surprising that it can come off by itself at a place where I just stood still.

After some steps I realize that I lost my “sting” exactly in the place where I left the dark and entered the Light, knowing it was sacred.

Thank you, Blue!

*

Next sign: A new comedian talks – about Plato. “ He knew that reality lies outside of the world/ the cave.”

In this exact moment, the mp3 freezes up – and i realize that this is the same theme as the first:  Gloria and Reality lies in Light, outside the world.

3 sign:

At home, I hit my right hand ring-finger nail/tip against something.It has always been extraordinary sensitive to be touched, and today the pain is overwhelming. Thank you for this sign – I sit down with the intention to find what wants my attention and healing.

“Milk!” Ah…this has to do with mother’s milk. – My mother’s milk was toxic and I could not digest it properly. My soul understood that I had a mommy with poison inside her. I could not KNOW this, so I denied and repressed it . NOW it bursts forth with a torrent of tears and loud crying. “I don’t want this mama!” It lasts for a couple of moments, and then there is deep peace and warmth spreading all through me.

And  profound gratitude.

Union in January

Some days ago, my thread-less doorbell sounded. It did not play the whole tune, just two repetitive notes – like a cuckoo.  And nobody was there – but the impulse had been given: let me in.

For those who has followed this blog for a while, you may remember all the times the entrance-light has teamed up with me – it has refused to turn itself on when it is dark outside, so I have been nudged to find that place in me where I have darkened my light. And each time I have found that place and remembered that it is just a mistake, the light has turned itself on.

My immediate response to the call from the invisible was sheer panic. The energy felt vile,threatening,deadly, I felt spooked and sat down and prayed for assistance. I was shown that this was a part of my soul and being that wanted to be allowed to return – and that it felt so dark because it had been so violently repressed throughout centuries.

I gave a promise that I allowed it – remembering that I could trust the process.

Yesterday the doorbell cuckoo-ed again.

The same feelings of dread came.

I had just returned after a particularly nasty experience with my dental hygienist – I had a scaling. She had dripped the anesthetic into my mouth instead of rubbing it at the gums, a place in my throat went numb and it affected my breathing. And I did not dare to  blame her, point this out as an error. I was transported back to the worst traumas where I had anesthetized myself  and established a coping mechanism of not saying a word or showing any sign of distress at all.

So in the night when the fears returned, I did a Spontaneous Transformation on it.

I found the aspect of me that I had established as a protector: it was inexorable like the medieval inquisitors and torturers. It threatened, accused ,degraded, hated, hated and hated some more. Thor the Threatener and Thorturer.

There was an instant release in the energy the moment I noticed him ( in my lungs and heart-area) and saw him with love and no judgments. I saw how he had protected my psyche from going insane, and from speaking up, which certainly would have been very dangerous. So I honored him and felt waves of gratitude flowing in. I then saw him looking at little Leelah with very different eyes – and I turned my full attention to the receiver of his hatred and control the last 70 years:  lets call this aspect little Lee.

She was encouraged to feel what Thor so masterfully had prevented her to feel as long as she was not held and loved, like now.There was rage, impotence, deep agony and fear of seeing what was done to her, guilt and shame and a deep belief of unworthiness – for sure she had to be guilty to deserve such treatment.

The fun thing was that while she expressed and felt her feelings, Thor was watching with great compassion and tenderness.

I had to switch between to the two – since Thor occasionally fell into deep self-hatred for what he had subjected little Lee to – but all the time it was possible to keep them apart: honoring them both had made that opening.

And the final phase was beautiful – the more I loved and fully honored both of the aspects, the closer they moved to each other until they embraced like old friends who had not met in eons. The energy of this reunion was blissful

I, as their neutral and loving Observer, asked them if they would like to do a closing ceremony – finding a word that expressed their most prominent state there and then. Thor the Thoughtful said, “I am Truth.” It gives me the shudders to write it. Little Lee said: “I am Peace. And Joy!”

I made a circle with them in my mind’s eye and they repeated their true identities.

Presence – or Heaven

When you have a family with a big split – there’s a lot to clean up afterwards. Afterwards meaning when you grow up and realize all you have buried – all the conclusions you made as a wee child when shock happened, what all that meant about YOU – and the great coping mechanisms you made to surf it and survive it all.

So comes the time when you look at yourself with great compassion and decide to receive all those old feelings, give them an expression – not to get back, not to win, just for yourself: this is how it felt in the body. I have a right to feel it – it is healthy and it is healing me.

So I have been gradually working myself closer and closer to that man in my life who planted the shock in my body when I was a baby, and who planted the shock waves in the family in a way that allowed us all to live in ignorance of what was going on – himself included. I deeply believe that I am born to explore and bring consciousness to this tremendous split – and what happened this glorious morning was an instrumental piece of atonement of what I have named “The Jekyll and Hyde”-syndrome – where the loving father/mother in one second switches into his demonic twin.

This morning, there was a great opening to ” it is OK and welcomed to truly feel that fear. To completely allow those energies of insanity back into the body and consciousness – because you are not alone NOW: I am with you, and I am willing to feel this with you.”

The voice speaking this is what I call the witness/observer:

This is THAT in us that was never harmed or hurt, that cannot die, was never born – that embraces and love you completely each and every moment – your Self. And since most of us have succeeded in putting this Self in the backseat, so we can truly explore separation fully, we now want to gently allow it back in.To not set the bar sky-high, we may go for an angel instead of the Self:  a witness who is completely accepting and loving of all that we are. Deeply nourishing energy, kind, gentle wise and strong. Just like the parent we all wished we had   –  here it is now. Just pretend! that’s what imagination is for.

As the Observer sat with the aspect of my Self who still carried this insanity-energy locked up somewhere outside/inside the body, and suggested that  I was willing to feel everything WITH the aspect, something relaxed in her. It is vital for me that I remind myself again and again to keep a space between the Observer and the aspect – in that way, I will not merge and fuse with the insane energy, and it will – for the first time – notice that LOVE is present.

Guess what happens when insanity meets LOVE?

Exactly.

And so I was willing to take the chance, the small self/aspect trusted the presence of the Observer.

The first seconds, there was a gradual building up of sensations in the body. There was fear, and the Observer suggests, ” I encourage you to feel that fear. Good for you, you know! At last you dare to feel this fear.Go for it!”

And you might take a big breath when you read the following: the energy I write it with, is pure bliss and Presence.

Suddenly I and my father are together in a winter landscape. It is dead calm, except that this is all about life. We stand still on our skies, there is no sound, no others. Just a Presence of Being that embraces us with indescribable love – allows us to know who we are in this world, one with all. And this feeling I feel WITH this man – it is what is available for us all. Seen from this loving level, we as souls chose all that dark energy to come into play to be explored.To come to this sacred moment where we both see the truth of who we are.From this point, in the bed in the morning, I forgive myself for setting myself up for this and for asking him to play this role. I forgive myself for being involved with these energies for so many lives – and it simply does not make even a nudge in the Self that we are.

Next memory: my father and I sit in a wooden rowboat on an ocean with out a single ruffle disturbing the endless mirror like surface. It is sunny and warm, we are fishing. It feels like we are sitting on the very edge between heaven and earth – and what is above is what is below, there is only here and THIS.

Third memory:

He walks ahead of me into a wood. He knows exactly where to walk. He is a pathfinder, and now he leads us to a paradise of shining yellow chanterelles.  I am in ecstasy! He had led me to a treasure, and he allows me to pick them all, smiling tenderly at my joy.

At the path back to our car and civilization, we talk about the bushmen of Kalahari – how we both adore them and their way of living.

Fourth memory:

My mother has recently died. My father and I sit in the living room – he in his big self-made  green armchair, me in front of the fireplace. We listen to Mozart, and all pain is transformed in the radiance of our union.

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In bed, I feel the energy of the beauty and presence we shared, and recognize it as the absolute truth of who we are. I recognize that I can choose to allow the dark energy now to come into those heavenly spheres of Self and Truth – so I do that.

Writing this down – and sharing it with you all – is my way of grounding it. Growing up with this split and deep denial – as so many of us are – creates HUGE fields of distraction/dissociation-energy as a necessary smoke shield of protection. This pattern we have named “US” – so now it takes vigilance and steady practice to notice “oh there i go again, distracting and confusing myself. I really want peace instead.”

And then I choose to remember these places where we are one: skiing deep in the wood, out on the sea,  finding the golden treasure together – and being lifted into the bliss of Mozart.

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Thank you for reading this through. I love you, whoever you are who chose to do that. If you enjoyed it, you may also enjoy my two books here on this blog. Or not 🙂

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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