Goodbye to efforting ( I intend :))

Crystal clear signs the last week – stop searching for enlightenment – it is HERE.

Recent wise words from Jeshua– about allowing it all – I seem to get it at a deeper level. No efforting, no searching, just Truth being Truth always – and the outside life mirrors the inside one  instantly.

Last night I was searching in my bed for my sleeping mask – lights on, truly searching. No sleeping mask. Letting the thought of needing it go – instantly left hand finding it in the darkness.

Later yesterday, I dropped something on my left foot and it hurt, and I started to cry loudly, allowing myself the release of making noise. “ I need help” I knew, and I gave myself a hug.

Instantly my doorbell rang. I peeked out the window, it is my daughter – what? here? And how worried she looks-

Then I wiped my eyes and it is my neighbor, who these days is moving to another place. She and I felt an instant bond, like mother and daughter. Now she is visiting her old house to pack the last stuff. She says “ Do you need help? I heard you crying when I went by.”

And so I told her I needed a hug, and I got one

It just wasn’t there anymore

For the very first time – when the usual morning-agony came – ( I am talking more than 30 years here – deep depression and suicidal thoughts) – there was no resistance and no judgment. Just quiet. Guess what happened to the agony

God happened

Self happened

No control happened

Now the ego is very quiet, it stands to my left and looks up and wonders “how did i manage that? I must remember it so I can replicate it.”

Truth is, it wasn’t THERE. And truth is, I feel soft towards it too – whatever it is

Ancestral patterns for seven generations

Some days ago, I read about a scientific experiment about emotional patterns being transferred in mice through 7 generations. The mice were given cherry blossoms to sniff, and at the same time, shocked moderately. It turned out that the same reaction to cherry blossoms were found through the next 7 generations of mice.

When I learn about things like this, I can be sure that it is relevant to my awakening process. Things happen that makes me notice stuff that is useful for letting go of these old ancestral patterns in my mind.

The first recently was that my alarm clock fell on the floor in the night and  then showed 01:00. ONE. Meaning for me: there is ONE mind. I tried to program it back to correct time, it refused until I had got the symbolic value.

Some days later, I got the info about the generational shock/imprints –

And then, just this night, I had the weirdest dream about my mother and I –  where I found myself making insane accusations to her, and wondered what the heck was gong on – this did not feel like “me”. And it wasn’t – it was a structure, pattern, being played out between us in the dream so that I could get hold of the pattern, look at it and recognize “ this is  an object of creation in our ancestral line, and I am showing up in this life to serve as one who releases it.

This is tremendously important to me to realize – I know there is no ‘separated me’ in reality, and  I can now KNOW that everything I perceive comes up for  one reason – to just be seen – with Love -as neutral and let go of.

So this whole pattern of deep-seated unworthiness, being played out between my mother and me – I could be willing to release it, not starting to spin all  my personal stories about it. What a relief that was!

Then the mind showed me several patterns lately that I had made “mine” and therefore had to let go of. Suddenly they were perceived as just patterns, and I could smile and allow them to be released.

It feels wonderful – and now, seeing others lost in their ancestral patterns, struggling, I remind myself that this is just coming up to be seen, forgiven and released. So I do that silently within, and see something relaxing in the faces around me.

We are truly ONE mind, seemingly separated by bodies. What a grand illusion we have made, believing in our old old fearful thoughts about separation

Flying Free

May you all have the most happy peaceful fulfilling year imaginable!

For a minute ago, there was a huge opening for my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love” – it is being presented in the #me too-community on Facebook. That is a closed group, but here is a link to a series of 10 FREE video/audio  webinars that may save your sanity and life, if you count yourselves as one of the me-too’s

http://www.metoointensive.com/nt-ls

I am posting my FB post here too 🙂

I have worked as a therapist and healer since 1988, and as soon as I started my practice I realized that all my clients showed very similar patterns – and they all mirrored patterns in me.I give Expressive Arts Therapy, and as soon as the patient sat down to draw or paint, or any other expression, the air was filled with Presence. All the images led to LOVE showing up – in details,word, and most of all, numinous synchronicities in our lives. Early into this process, out of the blue, a publisher phoned me and asked me “Shouldn’t you write a book?” And i should and did.

As soon as I had made my commitment, inner guidance turned up – in one of my agonized nights filled with dark and demonic visitations, I asked intensely for help and there S/he was – I called It BLUE.She explained the “mechanics” of the violator/victim-spectrum, and told me I was here to explore this with my patients – to find certain archetypes we all share, how to recognize them and how to relate to them to transform them.

What made it possible to write that book, was the constant weird and wonderful synchronicities that turned up. I have included them in the book – it sprinkles a highly needed flavor of humor and giggles into the work, helping us to dis-identify from the archetypes – be their loving observer

That took about 25 years.
I self published it – the publisher told me that his editors were not skilled to edit it – so I had to edit it with BLUE instead 🙂

Blue linked me to Jennifer last June, and I took the STT training – so when she advertised the free #MeTooHealingIntensive webinars I got big shivers. I realized this was a huge gift to me – but also a gift to the book – here was the true energetic opening for it.

I am beyond relieved and grateful for everything that brought me to this life and to link up with Jennifer and #MeTooHealingIntensive. I love you all!

Here is the link – you can read about it, read reviews and peak inside. It comes in Kindle too – much cheaper

Choices

I dreamed this morning that I was in a big hospital, and that I somehow had got a new face. I thought it was operated on, I imagined people were looking strangely at it ( I did not try to find a mirror.) But I remembered the feeling when I woke up – the desperation of not wanting to be seen, “discovered” etc …horrible feeling. Blue told me in his most loving voice to open my own book at the bedside. ( See Menu right column: When Fear Comes Home to Love)

Here it is:

 I am not a Tarantula / May 2015

Deep pain in the chest:

I don’t want to be seen! I hate you! Go away! I will kill you!

I am sitting with lesson 125 in the Course“In quiet I receive God’s Word today” – and I hear: “ These are the voices of the guardians you created around the little Leelah-identity. In her worst moments, out of deep guilt and shame that she told herself that she WAS, she cried out inside herself: “Hide me! I MUST NOT BE FOUND!” Guilt was speaking – and she was fusing with the guilt, identifying with it – and when she cried out from this fear-identity, fear-creatures/entities came and told her “we will protect you – if you will allow us to use you.”

Of course she took that offer of protection – and the entities used her as their source of food or energy.”

I know this is true with all of me. I speak:  “I am the source of this. I judge you not. I extend forgiveness to myself for what I have made.” I ask Archangel Michael and his army for help to guide these entities back to where they came from, and as I say this, I am shown that I have attracted these “false protectors” into all the body’s openings. By calling for them, they have come. Fear called for fear and darkness, and called from darkness – identifying with darkness/guilt/shame.

In this NOW, I am listening to God: “Now breathe into that heart-space. It is open now.” And then it happens: I see a black silky Tarantula leg hesitantly moving out – I feel terror – and realize in the same second that this has been the very symbol for fear for me – as for so many. “Beloved Leelah, you are not a spider,” I tell her – and gradually the heart space warms up, and I see her: scared and confused – but freed from the spell and fusing.

 

Be patient” says Blue. “There are many layers here. The nervous system will need some time to adjust, the old habits and beliefs will try to re-attach themselves – you have believed this to be YOU for almost 70 years. From now on, we ask you to intend to recognize the old patterns when they come – and for you to realize it is only an echo, and that you can let go of it.”

When I was 11 years old, I was taking ballet-classes – and I still remember some of the steps in an Italian Tarantula I danced – with a Tambourine, and a light blue short dress

Going out in the sun now”

***

 

So I lay in bed and  did the forgiveness exercise of my *creation object* on everything I felt in the body – and esp. candida responded with such gratitude and release – big relaxation and expansion in the tummy.  I also notice the advise of patience – and I started to truly SEE the myriads of entities of all kind I unknowingly had called to me to hide me.

I know in my bones that this is relevant for many of us – the realization of how much we have WANTED darkness to be there – (not realizing what we wanted) and then we have judged it and repressed it further. Oh the irony

Now I was open to truly SEE what I had created – and therefore, seen from this perspective, I saw the innocence within them all, the willingness of Being to form itself into all kind of scariness so that this terrified inner me would not be found. I could see them as “echoes” only – which helped me to not see them as “mine” anymore – and therefore, easily dismissed in gratefulness.

On this level, it was so exciting and easy to go back to the very place of power where I had  chosen darkness, and now choose again. It was such a power in that place, what an amazing discovery. I could rest there, there was no time there, just “ what do I want now?

And the knowing also that patience is needed – there are many layers.

But the choice has been done

 

 

 

Latest Miracle

The reflections from Self are getting so refined – there are shivers up my back for this latest one.

Last night, I suddenly could not type on the PC – meaning, no letters showed on Word  – or Facebook . Music and videos still played – but I could not be heard,. my words could not be seen -I did not get through with what is important and true for me.

Thank God I knew this was not an error, but Divine nudging – and still it felt like I was invisible, I CANNOT GET THROUGH – very old feeling. Sat with that, allowed that.

It repeated this morning – Word still not working – imagine that yourself, it’s quite a feeling – and so I tried Chrome instead of Firefox and everything worked –

Message clear:

***I have to change the standard browser***

In my lineage, the Christ lineage, Jeshua teaches us in Way of Transformation:

I have to see with new eyes – Christ’s Vision – as my default way of looking – I have to REMEMBER this when I turn on the PC – and when I turn myself on each morning – and all time – the IMPORTANCE now to KNOW that I, big I can only be heard when I speak and express from Right Mind

Realizing that, i sensed the energetic shift within: the choice to speak FROM what Jeshua calls The Right Mind – the One we all share: aligned with God, or LOVE is you will – or small mind/ego – the fear-filled limited ego consciousness that I am so used to call ME.

And this is a DECISION I must make. Only I can – and MUST make it – otherwise the true I am not heard,not seen

So I checked Word again of course – and it works now: lesson learned

Now – remembering to remember – “where do I come from now – the old small self or the joined-with-Love-Oneness” –

 

Disregarding demands for safety

The (electronic and other) symbolism is amazing! I have three days tried to buy a “wonderbag” – it is a bag that preserves heat in a pot for up to 12 hours, and so saves a lot of electric power. I am currently experimenting with making stock, and drinking a deciliter a day of it in fact helps this body feel much better! Very healthy. But 48 hours pot on the stove costs a lot of money for el-power- and so I needed the wonderbag.

And for three days I tried to fill out my security number on my Visa card – and the numbers turned into symbols on the keyboard -I could not get pass the security number – box


At last I got it – remembering to trust that everything is her for me, helping me -I realized that I would ignore that security- thing and just see what happened.


And I got through

It reminds me of that day  I took the chance to take a very frightening-looking slide – just a black hole and you didn’t know what happened, you had to trust – and I disregarded my insistence of guaranties for safety, and felt 20 kg lighter and 50 years younger at the bottom of it.

Disregard the demands for safety – YOU ARE safe says Holy Spirit

The Next Step

Yesterday, Jennifer McLean showed us this in a teleclass:

“I need to figure out the next step…what do do-“

These thoughts are exactly what brings us into trouble.

It is the mind talking to itself – trying to do what it is not equipped to do alone. It tries to keep itself in command – staying in a condition of contraction, fear and control.

Sense deeply into this “need:” – there is desperation there.

Just notice what happens in the mechanism of your universe when you say “ I need!”

What if – play with me here: what if there was nothing to figure out?

PRETEND how that would feel. Bliss – instant freedom. When we stop trying to “figure out” – we see that there is nothing to figure out,  and the part of you that has the blueprint and the plan can come in.

So what is called for here, is just to allow – allow the situation to be exactly as it is – and more important – allow it to FEEL exactly as it is. Check it out: when we allow that, we are connected to our Self – the part that Knows. The I suddenly know: Oh! The universe is already working for me – conspiring for my highest good here.

Just notice what happens in your universe when you are in allowing: what happens is that things fall into place. – When we fall back into “yes but bloody HOW do I do this -“ – there is desperation again – and there is no sane answer there.

So when I feel this “ I need to figure this out” again – it is an opportunity to go into allowing again.

Craig Hamilton just had a teleclass where he talked about our *evolutionary Self’*  that loves change and upsets  because it knows that is where expansion happens. So just notice and enjoy it 🙂

So just look at what your mind is doing – it will be a very familiar pattern – and move into allowing it to be like that now.

Jennifer told us to take a step backward when we notice the desperation escalating – all the way back to Where we were just before coming into incarnation:  and we felt: there is only Love there. Put the Love Jacket on and come back here, and allow the Voice from your Knowing – that Jeshua in A Course in Miracles calls “The Right Mind” – to talk to you. When you relax and allow, the impulses will come to you – and allow you to see what the next step would be.What if the answer you are seeking will just show up within the next 48 hours?

Yes it will. I recently had an email telling me that the IRS of USA needed me to fill in a tax report again, and also another form. I immediately fell into panic – how will I be able to understand these papers without anybody explaining hem to me?

I knew I as in panic and put my love jacket on, allowing the dreadful feeling of pure panic to exist – and then I asked for help to see all of this differently.

Next day I wanted to fill the papers out – online – and felt the same panic. I reminded myself that this was a growth opportunity and told myself that I would fill them out even if I was panicky – at least, I would open them and do my very best.

What happened was this: I went through the procedure – and I remembered I had taken screen shots of the correct answers earlier – so I had those in the background. That made me feel safe enough to go through them again, I remembered what to fill in where – and then came the wonder: the last paper that I dreaded the most, was already filled out automatically with the information  I just had given.

Except one thing: I was not able to sign it electronically.

Panic again – nope, putting the love jacked on, breathing: ask for support.

They will call me tomorrow 🙂

 

Putting the Demons to the Sacred Bonfire

 

About 1 ½ month ago, I got a strong pain in the right knee. That was the time when I first posted about my vision of a seven week online course: Dragons and Princesses. About changing our relationship to our dragons – illnesses, problems – through play and creativity and sharing. Spirit showed me how the very dynamics of the illness would be changed, when we stop relating to them with resistance and judgments, and open to them with curiosity, wonder and play instead.

I told Spirit  a happy YES to lead such groups, and then of course the fears and resistance that have to do with “being creative” popped up. It took until this morning to understand: I had listened to fear, and fear said: You have to see to it that nobody sabotages the process.

And I believed that, I really did, and fear grew inside – and the knee hurt more. Until this morning, when I asked Spirit what this was about, and  was reminded what our marvelous leader Paolo Knill taught us in the beginning  of one of our long training periods in Switzerland. “ We will bring our demons to the fire.”

He lighted a candle, and we all brought our demons/fears of creativity to it:

‘I must guess what she wants me to do and do it just perfectly like that, or else’

‘If I don’t do it “right”, I will screw everything up for the others and they will hate me. It will be MY fault. They will hate me!”

‘I am so scared that I won’t find out what the “right” thing to do this exercise is.  I MUST find it!’

‘I must find out exactly what she/ the leader/ means, or else’

‘This is my only chance to be free of my dragon’

‘I will let absolutely NO one know about what I think and feel.” (Under that sentence lies a bunch of demons.)

‘If I sabotage now – not doing it perfectly – it means that I simply don’t deserve to live’

Here is one of my strongest: “ I can’t show the others my own clumsy efforts! I am the group-leader, I must deliver great artistic stuff all the time forgossake!’

Here is a fascistic variety: ‘I can’t upload a photo of my little sculpture to the group – it is too perfect and fantastic, the others can’t deliver up to this standard and so they will lose hope, poor amateurs.’ 

( I know! Ohmygohd!)

So I realized that I wanted to relate to the part that had created this painful knee, and told it “I am here for  you, I  am not going anywhere, I am here to support you to feel whatever you need to feel.” There was an instant visceral connection. I “saw” her as a “little one”, and I allowed her to have her feelings – I was the observer of HER having the feelings. She was thrashing around, like drowning under all these demon-demands, believing they were real, believing they were important to follow and obey for her to be safe. She was also angry and deeply sad

I acknowledged that all of this were perfectly reasonable feelings to have, believing what she did ( and what we all have learned at some point  by parents who themselves had learned the same.)  I saw myself with her, placing my hand on her heart, asking her to feel the love and support from it, encouraging her to allow and express whatever she needed.

(Demon: Nina!! You have to express this PERFECTLY! Or else!!! ( fill in your own ‘or else.’ J)

Nina ( putting him to the sacred fire) I am satisfied with it, sweetie.

The little one felt the love, and knew that the love and support was greater than the first pain. The beliefs unwound, and there was a beautiful release.

The pain in the knee has done its job – I saw what it needed me to see: – how vital it is for us on this course to bring our judgments/demons freely to the sacred bonfire in the Garden – not hiding or suppressing our fear of performance in any way. What if the illnesses can really grow because of our resistance to Love, in form of these judgements? What if judging judgments truly IS demonizing them – what if that were true?

If so, play is the very antidote to illness.

Next post I will share the story about how I created a healing ritual of demons during a workshop of Pottery and Meditation at Ennismore in Cork, Ireland – earlier a Monastery, now a retreat and conference center. It was led by the outstanding Father Donagh O’Shea  OP  – potter and Dominican Father. This story is also a chapter in my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love – the healing gifts of art, play and forgiveness.” in the right menu. It is possible to “look inside” at the Amazon page.

(When posting this to my Facebook wall just now, the application crashed – it said” this is an unknown application.” I knew it was a message from Spirit, who wanted me to look out the window. On the great green field outside my window are two black figures. One of them falls to his knees, like praying for his life.Two kids are playing a game with a gun that spews arrows. They enjoy changing roles from killer to victim. They have costumes and all 🙂

And when I posted it here, this site crashed too 🙂

I acknowledged the big unconscious collective fear we all have on “creating” – I told myself, OF COURSE you are afraid of posting this -and Firefox found it and let me re post it 🙂

In A Course in Miracles, the world is an illusion – a play

It says we all have played all the roles, to explore separation

I don’t judge it anymore – and I also want to wake up fully

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Miracle of Allowing

This is from the teachings of Abraham Hicks.

I love that the Masters describes stuff with different words. Right now, this is very helpful

 

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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