About eating problems and sexual abuse

This is about some foods and sexual abuse.
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I love ecological yogurt with granola from quinoa – but until now, I have felt tremendously tired after eating it. I see it like this: some part of my self is terrified – for whatever reason – and use a lot of energy to repress what she feels while eating it. I asked what it could be? Answer: Semen.
Of course! This very small inner girl has told herself 1) that yogurt has a kind of texture like semen has -and having been a receiver of intense sexual abuse as very small, semen meant being part of a torture that also made it very hard to breathe – meaning life-threatening trauma. 2) And then she did what we all did when traumatized in any way at all: we told stories about ourselves, what it meant about us – how despicable we must be, how absolutely wrong in any ways and form.
So for this inner girl, yogurt has meant “semen” and all the horror connected to that – and she has believed in the stories she made up about her despicable self – and she has repressed it as hard as she can while I eat.
Now – the later years, all kind of digital signals have come to my aid to assist me in awakening. Today, it was the fire-alarm in the kitchen that started up and made me think, “What is this inner alarm mirroring, that goes on full alert now, as I am preparing my breakfast?”
So I asked and immediately heard “semen.”
I talked to her with all my love and motherliness – how proud I was of her, how much I loved her, and told her very clearly that yogurt is OK and healthy – and that she will never taste semen again.
Never.
After quite a while I could sense a deep relaxation in my intestines. I asked her if she was up for a try? And that I would stop eat it the second she wanted.
Then I ate a healthy bowl with the yummy stuff.
And for the first time, I felt no tiredness after my yogurt meal. I felt an ice cold instead – and  I see that as frozen life-energy. I sat with it for about 45 minutes, and now it slowly seeps out.
This old imprint – “inner child” may also be the one who craves sweets and sugar. NO WONDER 🙂  she needs a lot of loving motherly talk and listening – with no judgment ever. And since she now receives that motherly sweetness – she just MAY let go of any cravings – we will see 🙂
PS. If this has meaning for you in a helpful way – you may benefit from looking into my books in the right menu.

True Value

Readers who has been around for some time will know that I live after the  word of wisdom by Hermes Trismegistus: As above, so below – as outside so inside – i.e.what goes on on the outside ( called “life” :)) mirrors something on my inside.

So I lost my Visa card. Instant terror! What did I automatically tell myself: I am alone. I will be tricked and abused and tricked some more. I must have done something wrong. Oi vey is mir!

Seeing that these are all old beliefs in victimhood, I place myself with a red shawl in a cosy sofa and investigated what went on on automatic. And what was this fear REALLY about – what might a Visa card symbolize?

For me, treasure – money – well, VALUE is a better word.

And I realized it symbolized  the mind’s old fear of losing God’s love – the fear at the moment of separation, that A Course in Miracle names ” the Tiny Mad Idea.”

So I sat there and God was giggling inside me at that truly mas idea that S/He could be lost – as S/He is my innermost essence that I share with EVERYONE.

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I have written a Novel – you see it in the right menu: Hilaryon Stories. That book started as a hint from Holy Spirit – to write a novel where the feud between Pharaoh and Moses would be in-woven – albeit not as those two as characters. So I did – through 6 years I followed my Muse who sent me inspiration for 32 chapters that came randomly, not in succession. I had to trust completely that it would all come together harmoniously in the end, and it did.

You are very welcome to click on the book and read more – the first reader ( not family 🙂 told me that her energy changed while reading it – from depression to joy.

Bursting into JOY

I had the most astonishing breakthrough into joy this early morning – being strongly prompted to get up and listening to Beethoven’s 9th Symphony, 4th movement. I found an old recording with Simon Carrington as conductor – and the opening “Freunde, nich diese TÖne” felt like a shower from a spring waterfall.

I could not find any recordings with Carrington – but this one with Simon Rattle is accepted too

I sang this 50 years ago with Herbert Blomstedt as conductor – and not before now, truly SEE those words for what they express.

Oh friends, not these sounds!
Let us instead strike up more pleasing
and more joyful ones!

Joy!
Joy!

Joy, beautiful spark of divinity,
Daughter from Elysium,
We enter, burning with fervour,
heavenly being, your sanctuary!
Your magic brings together
what custom has sternly divided.
All men shall become brothers,
wherever your gentle wings hover.

Whoever has been lucky enough
to become a friend to a friend,
Whoever has found a beloved wife,
let him join our songs of praise!
Yes, and anyone who can call one soul
his own on this earth!
Any who cannot, let them slink away
from this gathering in tears!

Every creature drinks in joy
at nature’s breast;
Good and Evil alike
follow her trail of roses.
She gives us kisses and wine,
a true friend, even in death;
Even the worm was given desire,
and the cherub stands before God.

Gladly, just as His suns hurtle
through the glorious universe,
So you, brothers, should run your course,
joyfully, like a conquering hero.

Be embraced, you millions!
This kiss is for the whole world!
Brothers, above the canopy of stars
must dwell a loving father.

Do you bow down before Him, you millions?
Do you sense your Creator, O world?
Seek Him above the canopy of stars!
He must dwell beyond the stars.

The place that opened me this morning ( and the start of the singing) comes at 26:34

 

Signs

Followers of the blog will know that I am gifted with lots of signs from The Universe.

The one yesterday was very clear and elegant. I had planned going to a Van Gogh exhibition and was picked up by my daughter and beau in his self-driving car. I had been feeling poorly the last three days and wanted a sign  if this was a good choice. We get into the car, and I ask my daughter if she wants to join me in blessing the road and the drive. It feels wonderful – and when F wants to start, a sign comes up at the dashboard: “Unsafe to start and stop. Please get help.”

So I did not go:)

Gifts from the Universe

I live after the adage:  “As above, so below, as within, so without, as the Universe, so the Soul” – believed to be said by Hermes Trismegistus.

This was a spam that popped up on my beloved writer forum for two days – each time I tried to log in. I talked to Kit about it – how awful it felt to be locked out from the group – not reading the others’ poems this week, not being able to play with charades on another thread. I thought this COULD not be something my Self had “made” – but took advantage of the disgusting feeling I got at not having others to read and comment on my work.

Then I decided – YES, if I really can’t get in any more, I WILL write poems all the same. I also saw the pun: this was from TELENOR – the biggest Telecompany in the land I currently live and work. Telephone = metaphor for connection: a free gift from them sounds very good to me. And now I am giggling: it IS really a free gift to realize that I am not depended on others to create – and I made a vow to create  each day ANYWAY, even if only for a minute.

How did I make myself a hit for this scam? by constantly asking the Universe for help where i still am caught in old beliefs and energy-stuckness.

And after constant barrage of the sign for two whole days, and me taking that clear decision, today the writer forum is clear and available again – and my PC is healthy and well functioning.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Synchronicities

Inner prompts have lately asked me to investigate more about Morphogenetic Fields.

This morning, after the I AM ONE SELF-night, my breakfast yogurt looked like this:

I have never seen this before in my yogurt.

So I went to the PC and googled Morphogenetic Fields – knowing it had to do with fields of energy, patterns etc – and came to the article and image :

Looking forward to this – since I am lately working intensely with the archetypal patterns described in  my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love” – archetypes are surely kind of superstrong habitual patterns of thinking and energies.

Aligning with Source

Incredible exciting things are happening – it’s all about alignment. “ I choose to love only God”  evolves joyfully into “ I choose to align with Love.”

1)I have hearing aids the last 4-5 years. For me, not hearing good is connected with something I do not want to hear. And again for me, that has turned out to be God or Self.

This morning there was after 3 days constant practice easy to align.

I went to the PC in the morning – my favorite means for distraction, and an old pattern – to  need closeness from others to feel safe and OK. Needing approvement  from the outside has always laid at the bottom  of the “me” I have created – as my main lifeline.

Now I was asked by Spirit to stay in focus.

I worked with a manuscript for a magazine, and saw something on my desktop, and started to edit a text from Jeshua, coming through Judith Coates. I had copied it from a Newsletter and the formatting needed editing. It took a lot of time, I grew heavy and dense and exhausted.

I stopped the work – and asked Spirit “where did I fall off the horse?” And immediately saw the editing. I was editing Jeshua words into a more space-economical form J

The moment I recognized it, all the power came rushing back, I was fully present.

2) At breakfast, I had decided to not end the breakfast with something sweet – usually bread with honey and cinnamon. This has been my habit for years. I found a reason not to break the habit J and felt heavy and sluggish.  And yes, it was not because of the honey, but because I had changed my decision and broken a promise to my self.

Now too did the life force return pretty instantaneous.

3) I was stitching. Gradually feeling exhausted. Realized that underlying the process was  again the old pattern of hoping for approvement from others stitchers on Facebook. I stopped and spoke to Spirit again, affirming that I wanted to ALIGN and do the work WITH this alignment.

What I before ( and now) thought was the effect of low blood sugar now realigned itself into full presence within a minute.

Very exciting it is, very promising – and very demanding when it comes to focus on alignment. Burt it has also truly convincing: I want this alignment MOST OF ALL. It is simply HOME.

 

 

Freedom from guilt

Epoch-making dream:

I am in this house, where my mother now lives with me. She returns late( or early in the morning) with many noisy friends, and I go ballistic in my self-righteousness: they are ruining the very small sleep-segments I have, how inconsiderate, how cruel!

At first I SCREAM at my mother – and she does not react or respond at all! She takes no blame! I am trying to hit her, but I don’t succeed  – I am not able to.

There is NO resistance in her – she fully knows Who she is. And she also give me no” oh poor you, you must be so tired.”

I now attack verbally her guests – two other woman and one man. I am spewing malevolence, and they start to answer back. The energy becomes very nasty.

I leave them and go out – and there is my bed, all white, the mattress  and duvet directly on the ice, now in the middle of a  vast frozen lake.

The two ladies and the man appear – and the atmosphere is quite different. The one lady smiles radiantly to me.

I am having a cataract-operation tomorrow, and have visualized how I want it to be – all sunshine and love and caring. For the first time do I realize how much repression there is in that – and that the invitation now is to just allow people and things to be as they are – and me too. But – and it’s a big but – I don’t need to see them as guilty or grumpy or nasty or unfeeling etc – I can and will bless them in the integrity of their being.

That decision relaxed me enormously. There is no pushing from my side now, for a certain behavior from others for me to feel safe. I AM safe.

I realize today that every time somebody has answered irritated or angry, I  – or a child-part in me – have deep down believed that they do so because there’s something wrong with me – deep unconscious guilt.

Today I see that they lash out because they believe deep down that THEY have done something wrong – are guilty.

Just as I thought my mom and her visitors were at fault that I could not sleep – no, I was at fault, believing that I am full of guilt, expect to be punished and therefore harbor attack-thoughts. I saw attackers outside, but they were really my own self-attack thoughts, projected outside.

As The Course tells us all humans do.

Is somebody seems to attack me or accuse me or blame me, they are feeling bad and projecting it on me. The only sane response is to bless them.

This has been a very peaceful day.

The Little Demon

In a dream, I met an actor that once played the leading role in a production my husband and I had 30 years ago. It was a dramatization of a Norwegian story tale: “The Companion.”
We both attended a big convention, and he was interested in therapy, as he was plagued by something he ( I wrote “I”) had no conscious idea of.

I told him I could show him what therapy could be before dinner. Then I got acquainted with a lady who seemed very nice – but who stuck like a leech when I told her she needed to leave when I was with the actor. She refused, I PUSHED her out, she came back etc. At least I SCREAMED at her, raging. SCARING HER

I could not find a way to demonstrate to the actor what therapy was. Instead I asked: “ Is there something with you and “wool?”

He looked at me and told me he lately had wanted to visit a big wool-factory in his vicinity – and I burst into crying.
“Why do I cry?” I asked. “I think I REALLY want to make something with wool” he said. “I just have not known HOW much -!” And he teared up.

I woke up and saw two things: I need to take my seer-ability seriously – and that THIS is what people need from me – my ability to see what their heart wants. And what stops it. And then use storytelling etc. to give the “stopping-parts” a role where we both give Spirit free reigns and the blockages become parts in the story. It is SO fun and healing!

I asked my Self what the second part in the dream  – the girl who wanted therapy and clung to me – wanted. I opened my own book randomly – When Fear Comes Home to Love – and found this in italics below.. While I read it through, I saw that the “girl was a part in me that has internalized CRAZY energies from my mother and father when she was very little –probably demonic energies – meaning complete raging insanity lying in the background of their communication.

The belief “I am wrong” creates a very recognizable yucky feeling: that’s what makes you want to act it out. Now feel it instead, and find all its intricate details, like an excited explorer: “…cold in the chest. Constriction around the heart. Feelings of loneliness. Fear of becoming abandoned….” It is quite possible that you will start to feel some of the characteristics of Child: “I feel like an outcast…stupid…ugly…” Just notice the thoughts, and go back to the bodily sensations.
The minute you relax your judgments about what you are feeling, and just let the feelings float in the heart, you will know without any doubt that you are not these feelings. You are the light-filled, loving space the feelings float in. This process – of just accepting the feelings without believing in them – takes time. Have mercy on yourself.
Within the illusion, demons are demons because they are hungry for something they are not getting. When they get it, they transform. It is up to us to deal with the ones we have created, unwittingly. We create them by ignoring and judging our painful feelings.

I then proceeded by offering a method from the Buddhist tradition called Chød – to finally give the “demon” what they need – which in this little girl’s case was “BEING IN PERMANENT JOY.”

I saw again (seen it many times a before) that I had demonized this little girl’s feelings and needs – but now there were NO judgments at all around it – just “so.” She had seen it as her job to internalize others’ dark repressed energies – that felt safer than believing that THEY were dangerous.

Now I let those judgments go and felt deeply her terror and expressed it.

What I chased out, and judged as “obnoxious” and “clinging” was the very aspect of me who had KEPT the energy inside until now.

I sweat like crazy as I write this

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For the ones interested in symbolism

The Companion  was a man who was frozen in  big block of ice after his death instead of being  put in “christian soil.” His “sin” had been to water the wine he sold – and WINE symbolizes Spirit. Watering wine means therefore mixing ego with spirit.

The main person – Johannes – paid him off and buried him – and now the former  Spirit-diluter became Johannes’ Companion – helping him to marry the princess, but first freeing her from the Troll in the Mountain and then purifying her in three baths of the  ugliness that she had acquired when she lived with the Troll.

THAT was what the actor symbolized in the dream 🙂

And we all play the leading role in our lives

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hobby Horse ( Stick Horse)

Mine fell to the floor in the night!

Literally!

I made this stick horse to my daughter 35 years ago. In Norway , we have the expression “to ride a stick horse” when you english-spoken people say “have a bee in the bonnet.” Once, when a dear friend rode her stick horse for the umptieth time, I found the actual stick horse and showed her and said please demount from that horse you are riding. Very rude I was, but it worked.

Afterwards, Blue told me I’d be needing this horse again to point to it next time Betty rode it – but she never did.

I needed it for me LOL

This night I did another LONG Core transformation process with a part in me that has been 1000% CERTAIN that the way she sees things IS THE TRUTH.

It was extremely unpleasant for a long time – she felt like admitting that if she “could” be wrong, it would mean all things of horrible things about her. One thing was that she would be insane – since she would swear on her life that she was right.

With lots of patience and will to proceed forward, something shifted and she ended up in God’s arms, smiling and happy, seeing that all that mattered in life was to remember that perception rests on beliefs that we have told about ourselves and the world – and that other people has other perceptions.

Entering the living room, I saw that the stick horse  – that I had jammed between a shelf and the wall –  had fallen down, now leaning toward a recliner 🙂

For new readers: this symbolic happening belongs to a long series of synchronicities in my life, that Blue  – my inner Guide – employs to demonstrate the truth in humorous  ways. I have posted many of them in earlier posts – if you want to read more, search  “Blue is playing.”

My book, ( see right menu) When Fear Comes Home to Love” is full of them

 

 

 

 

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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