Candida as Judge and Jailor

And then it is so – that when we vow to something good, all that is between us and that, will come up to be discovered and forgiven.

Lately, eating and digestion has become almost impossible- instant raging Candida-response. I asked my guides for a dream to clarify, and it came:

I was in a dentist’s office to make an appointment. (Teeth are for me symbols of beliefs.) There was a nurse there, and three other people who wanted appointments too. Gradually the atmosphere changed into viciousness – I got a stern message to wait- and I waited and waited.

The dream then expanded in a Kafkaesque manner – I had acted wrongly and had no idea what I had done – and they all insisted that I knew perfectly well what I had done and continued to shame me. I now was completely at their mercy. I had done something wrong and could not for my bare life see what my sin was.

I woke up and remembered that this has been a pattern for me in many workshops – the first day the leaders were sweet – and the next, their manner changed into a kind of contempt and “you know perfectly well what you do.” It freaked me out and nobody ever told me what I “did.”

When I woke up, I understood that this is a dream which presents an energy I still have not forgiven. A gift indeed! I ask, “where have I subjected myself to this kind of contempt before?” There are strong pains and tensions around my lower abdomen and vagina – and I remember my father and other men’s energy during abuse – their contempt oozing at the women they abused.

I asked myself, “where have I abused myself with self-contempt?” oh yes – I have for years and years automatically and unconsciously heaped abuse on my sexual organs – since they obviously deserved punishment like this,frequently, and from many. For of course they had to have a reason for their attacks – and I must be deserving it in some way.

So here the self hatred started – my own attack at my sacred feminine parts.

Now I believe that the Candida came as a stern reminder – you do NOT deserve comfort in the shape of desserts and sweets – since your very identity is something horrible and weird and wrong.

This is the gift of the dream – to truly SEE the impact my own old hatred has had on my organs. And on my very sacred Feminine Divinity. I CHOSE it – and I will forgive the choice and choose again

So – everything I “take in” – digest – is influenced, imprinted with hatred – and the premise that hating is just and GOOD, even – “this is a way this human atones for her sins –”

Sigh

What a blessing to SEE this mechanism – on a yet deeper level than before. I am sweating writing it down.

I will now ask the Divine to enter my breath – and I will sit and HOLD IT ALL while breathing Love into it and through it, and the rest is up to the Holy.

*******

Next day I invited the Divine to eat with me each bite I took. I breathed for each bite, I visualized the organs and the candida-place relaxed and forgiven, I talked to the organs , full package :). The Candida eased down quite a bit. Then I had a fear response that originated in the area around the vagina again – and “saw” a little scared girl who was afraid of a male figure. I had the day before read an exercize that Jeshua suggests in Way of Transformation – a way of visualizing the feared figure and placing Light around them in a certain manner. I found myself adapt the exercize to a little girl’s world, in a cartoon-like manner, and it worked wonderfully – I knew I was working with an archetype ( Child) and not “me.”) The moment I KNEW that, a former clinging to the “me”-identity dropped off, and I understood the vast treasure of working with archetypes the way I have done this life. No more regret and shoulds! 🙂

All you need is Love

Leaving the Womb – Entering Life Fully

Is the title of this blog, starting 11 years ago.

Womb meaning a place of gestation – not yet living one’s life- but preparing for it. In my way of looking at it, you also swim in the mind of your mother – and all the ancestors, I’d say.

I am in awe of the beauty and rationality of the path I have chosen – or the path choosing me. The last month or so my throat has become gradually sorer and more constricted, and this morning I took it seriously:  this is an energy/creation coming up for healing.

As soon as I sat down for it, deep crying came, it felt wonderful. The inner crying part told me it was terrified of SPEAKING OUT – being heard – “having a voice” – as NOT having one was in childhood a must for keeping silent, keeping the family secret.

As soon as the part felt and sensed that I now allowed it and listened, I could separate out “my creation” as Jeshua calls it. A creation is what the Son of God = US ALL – create when something “bad” happens and we judge it. The energy contracts, and there is a magnetism around it now – and as soon as we judge it, we have told ourselves it has something to do with US. And since we have chosen to believe it, it HAS – says Jeshua- that is the power of our decision.

He then teaches us – in A Course in Miracles and in his Way of Mastery- trilogy – how to forgive our creations and allow them to be dissolved in the Light of Christ – which is our birth right. Just like the Buddha field is for Buddhists – the Atman is for Hindus – etc.

So I did the forgiveness process, and there were deep waves of release and gratefulness as I went through it. The “chronic” pain and soreness in the chest and throat is abating.

And funnily – something in my left ear is clearing up too – it had not been willing to HEAR this before, and now it has.

And here is a strange thing:

In my twenties, I started to have a feeling / knowing I was actually two persons – there was another physical “me” out there – a body.

I sang in a big choir from I was 16 to 23 or so- when I lost my soprano from one day to another. I sang first soprano and stood in the first row of singers, and my conductor stood on the podium 3 meter away from me. So he knew my face very well – wouldn’t you agree? And one rehearsal he took me apart after rehearsal and chastised me: “ I saw you this night down by the docks, in a horrible state of mind hanging between two drunk sailors.”

Well – that was quite a shock – since I was sleeping in my bed and never out in town at all. Others tell me they have seen me other places too.

Now, as I have studied creation for the last 40 years, I believe there are parallel dimensions – and I believe that this other “me” that Oscar Raum saw, could actually be me in this parallel dimension.

From one day to the next I lost my singing voice and had to leave my beautiful grand choir. Devastated – but something inside relaxed, knowing that she did not have to press through tensions to be a first soprano anymore.

So now I spoke to that duplicate, and felt release and even deeper crying – and then I saw that what I had subjected to abuse was my true VOICE – I had cramped it and judged it and squeezed it into contraction, rejecting it.

And OH how I want to have the fullness of it back now – without any more cramps and abuse.

We’ll see 🙂

Below is the FREE VOICE of the Heart we all share. And all the imprisoned ones remember the Voice and listens.

And here is a video with PURE VOICE – no talk – can anything more beautiful than this exist?

Trust and Faith

This morning I succeeded in breathing divinity into my body, and the sweetness and warmth was indescribable. This is rare for me – mostly meditations are interrupted by defense parts who gets irritated – now there was no interruptions from the mind.

The sweetness  reminded me of one of my favorite arias – Voi che sapete from Figaro’s Wedding – sung by the incomparable Maria Ewing.

And I love how the Contessa – Kiri te Kanava – looks at him…

You who know what love is,
Women, see whether it’s in my heart,
Women, see whether it’s in my heart.
What I am experiencing I will tell you,
It is new to me and I do not understand it.
I have a feeling full of desire,
That now, is both pleasure and suffering.
At first frost, then I feel the soul burning,
And in a moment I’m freezing again.
Seek a blessing outside myself,
I do not know how to hold it, I do not know what it is.
I sigh and moan without meaning to,
Throb and tremble without knowing,
I find no peace both night or day,
But even still, I like to languish.
You who know what love is,
Women, see whether it’s in my heart,
Women, see whether it’s in my heart,
Women, see whether it’s in my heart.

Coming for to carry me Home

I have very rarely had the connection to needs and feelings I have after I started to use the “Core Transformation” method. I don’t have to search mentally for answers any longer – they come directly FROM the inner parts of Self. And of course earlier methods and trainings and practices have built up and prepared my mind and soul for this too!

I love to share the last unbelievably sign or synchronicity, mirroring my inner journey.This morning i worked with a part that had a lot of defense -structures around it.* All* the defense – parts listened to my request for them to pull back and watch. So I was brought back to the innermost wish this part had – to be home with God, to truly feel the embodiment of this. I saw myself walking over a bridge from illusion to Truth – and in the same moment, a HUGE racket started outside my window. It was a helicopter – and the sound and vibrations were so overwhelming that it seemed to have landed right outside my window. My immediate association was “It’s come to carry me HOME “

Today a little adorable craziness

Free Play

Worth

I remember a time , maybe 25 years ago, where my brother, his son and my daughter were going in a little motorboat to the nearest town, and my brother started to yell at his son in a way that took all his worth away. Today I recognize that what happened was nothing else than an outpouring of my brother’s internalization of the treatment that his stepfather – my father – gave him, all the time while growing up. It was just an inner tape in him which he now directed at HIS son. The sins of the fathers…

It was a cry for love – and I knew it in my heart then too, but did not see the larger image: just a projection of what my brother had received: “you are not worth a shit and you need to pull yourself together or else!”

No doubt my father had received this message too. And his father –

I also see the perverted love underneath it: “this is the only way I have learned to try to make you safe – to behave like society expects of a man. No room for vulnerability in boys or men!

But the son interprets it as if HE IS WRONG and unlovable. And must compensate for it by being clever and perfect and unfeeling

I remember my daughter as 10 year old telling me in a letter how intensely afraid she was of my anger – and the person I turned into then. At first I did not understand what she meant – so hidden was it to myself. What a wake -up call it was!

We simply have to own it in ourselves – see the innocence of its source: just a false assumption of unworthiness, given us from someone who thinks they are unworthy – just an unending string of beliefs in our ancestral line.

But a lie is a lie – however long it is protected: our worth is give us by our Creator, who creates like Itself

This is no longer our destiny: it has been broken. I allow myself to be the one in our ancestral line who has broken it. I have seen it, my daughter has seen it – it has been forgiven and healed. Well done, Leelah!

The muscle spasms on the right side of the face releases.

Remembering again what Jesus teaches in “The Way of the Heart” – we have chosen everything we experience, in order to learn how to relate to it: with fear or with Love. How other people treat you is their path – how you respond to them is yours.

I see now that what I have seen in my family as small insignificant glimpses of connection in this understanding, is in reality a VAST space of insight that melts the illusion of separated beings. We flicker in and out of it – and whatever calamities that seems to happen has not a chance in hell to change Who we are, and our inherent worth given us by God.

 

Hush little baby, don’t you cry
You know your mama was born to die
All my trials, Lord, soon be over

The river of Jordan is muddy and cold
Well it chills the body but not the soul
All my trials, Lord, soon be over

I’ve got a little book with pages three
And every page spells liberty
All my trials, Lord, soon be over

Too late, my brothers
Too late, but never mind
All my trials, Lord, soon be over

If living were a thing that money could buy
Then the rich would live and the poor would die
All my trials, Lord, soon be over

There grows a tree in Paradise
And the pilgrims call it the Tree of Life
All my trials, Lord, soon be over

Too late, my brothers
Too late, but never mind
All my trials, Lord, soon be over
All my trials, Lord, soon be over
Read more: Joan Baez – All My Trials, Lord Lyrics | MetroLyrics

 

 

 

 

 

For lyrics, please google Uhrlicht lyrics – you’ll find both German and English translation

Healing music

Beauty on Saturday

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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