Today a little adorable craziness

Free Play

Worth

I remember a time , maybe 25 years ago, where my brother, his son and my daughter were going in a little motorboat to the nearest town, and my brother started to yell at his son in a way that took all his worth away. Today I recognize that what happened was nothing else than an outpouring of my brother’s internalization of the treatment that his stepfather – my father – gave him, all the time while growing up. It was just an inner tape in him which he now directed at HIS son. The sins of the fathers…

It was a cry for love – and I knew it in my heart then too, but did not see the larger image: just a projection of what my brother had received: “you are not worth a shit and you need to pull yourself together or else!”

No doubt my father had received this message too. And his father –

I also see the perverted love underneath it: “this is the only way I have learned to try to make you safe – to behave like society expects of a man. No room for vulnerability in boys or men!

But the son interprets it as if HE IS WRONG and unlovable. And must compensate for it by being clever and perfect and unfeeling

I remember my daughter as 10 year old telling me in a letter how intensely afraid she was of my anger – and the person I turned into then. At first I did not understand what she meant – so hidden was it to myself. What a wake -up call it was!

We simply have to own it in ourselves – see the innocence of its source: just a false assumption of unworthiness, given us from someone who thinks they are unworthy – just an unending string of beliefs in our ancestral line.

But a lie is a lie – however long it is protected: our worth is give us by our Creator, who creates like Itself

This is no longer our destiny: it has been broken. I allow myself to be the one in our ancestral line who has broken it. I have seen it, my daughter has seen it – it has been forgiven and healed. Well done, Leelah!

The muscle spasms on the right side of the face releases.

Remembering again what Jesus teaches in “The Way of the Heart” – we have chosen everything we experience, in order to learn how to relate to it: with fear or with Love. How other people treat you is their path – how you respond to them is yours.

I see now that what I have seen in my family as small insignificant glimpses of connection in this understanding, is in reality a VAST space of insight that melts the illusion of separated beings. We flicker in and out of it – and whatever calamities that seems to happen has not a chance in hell to change Who we are, and our inherent worth given us by God.

 

Hush little baby, don’t you cry
You know your mama was born to die
All my trials, Lord, soon be over

The river of Jordan is muddy and cold
Well it chills the body but not the soul
All my trials, Lord, soon be over

I’ve got a little book with pages three
And every page spells liberty
All my trials, Lord, soon be over

Too late, my brothers
Too late, but never mind
All my trials, Lord, soon be over

If living were a thing that money could buy
Then the rich would live and the poor would die
All my trials, Lord, soon be over

There grows a tree in Paradise
And the pilgrims call it the Tree of Life
All my trials, Lord, soon be over

Too late, my brothers
Too late, but never mind
All my trials, Lord, soon be over
All my trials, Lord, soon be over
Read more: Joan Baez – All My Trials, Lord Lyrics | MetroLyrics

 

 

 

 

 

For lyrics, please google Uhrlicht lyrics – you’ll find both German and English translation

Healing music

Beauty on Saturday

Blue is playing

Blue – my name for Holy Spirit – is enjoying Itself,playing with Nichola now.

This morning I got this mail from her:(everything printed here from Nic is with her permission)

The first person I saw at the beach today was a woman with long dreadlocks(snakes?) standing in the water. A swimmer was telling her that the water
was full of jellyfish – and it was, for the first time this summer – small ones almostcompletely transparent…

My answer:

oh that is precious, Nic!  How absolutely adorable funny hilarious. We really  need it spelled it out to us –

ah –

just like when you get the 13 empty mails –

hm

I have already forgotten what that was about – do you remember?

Nic:

It was nine empty emails after the empty tomb – also I thought later that there
are 9 children in my family – so one empty tomb for each hehe

*

I had a very stressful dream about a young boy demon who harassed me and my friends in obnoxious way. At the end of the dream I decided not to pay attention any longer, and he started to splash huge amounts of  pinkish water on me. I iggnooorrred him

At last he stopped,looking sad. I went over to him and explained that we all hated what he did, and that we would not play with him unless he behaved. Then he surprised me he said “Do you forgive me?”

And automatically I said yes, and he was gone

*

Now this is a very unusual behavior from the dubies – my nickname of them.Don’t want to strengthen that label anymore! I sat with that for a while after waking up, and suddenly remembered that I once made a drawing of a dubie who had a little girl inside – somebody who believed she was a dubie. I talked a lot with that little girl, and learned that she of course was a projection of everything this little Leelah had to repress and deny when she was small, to stay sane and survive. I truly learned how the dubies were made – and explored it for years in my therapy/healing practice. You will find these investigations and healings in my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love”

Now – at this age, and 22 years after I learned about how the dubies are made – it is truly clear that this “dubie” was a part of “me.” I used the sacred will God shared with me to create him  – and so he was experienced as real.

I want to remember this when/if they return – truly remember – I can welcome them Home through the “window” in the Heart, into the formlessness they came from, and allow a wave of blessings to pour forth from that formless Presence into the world of form and thoughts.

And there is nothing to forgive – nothing serious and bad happened in reality – only in the dream that seems so real

if “he” returns, I will remember that he is a child of mine that I have judged so deeply as to dubying it, and take him back into the Heart.

And tell him that all that happened, happened in a dream and we are OK now:)

*

I am including a favorite Flashmob: Carmina Burana. I marvel at how wonderful refreshing   it is to see a woman in straw hat play the violin, and cleaners doing ballet – they are all taken out of their roles, costumed in very unconventional ways – how liberating: usual labels of singers and orchestra are screwed up, and I listen as the first time

And – now with Fred Astaire

And now it’s even more fantastic

Via con me

Just because I love this piece so much – and HOW he sings it – ahhhhhhhhhhhh

The inner sense of compulsion

There is such a beautiful flow in the energysystem today. It started with a single thought wanting me to do something  – telling me I HAD TO. In this second, something inside said “njaeh. I don’t bother.”

Some seconds later I noticed a flow of relaxation that was so powerful that I had to pay attention. I saw the connection with deciding not going into a “HAVE TO” pattern. The whole muscle-system was suffused with grace, I felt waves of nausea moving through and leaving.

I then noticed all the subconscious impulses I have to “correct”placement of  things in order to feel safe:

that pen must not lie in that position – that picture is hanging askew – ordnung muss sein – balance,please!

It was sheer delight to notice each of these impulses to correct things AT ONCE – and just lean back and allow the energy of that compulsion. Could I allow it be just as it is just for now? YES! It brought deep peace within the muscular system. Heart racing for some seconds  – oh, control gone, what is happening – and then instant release.

What a great way for ego to stay in command, this personality disorder.

This is quoted from Wikipedia:

Obsessive–compulsive personality disorder (OCPD) is a personality disorder characterized by a pervasive pattern of preoccupation with orderliness, perfectionism, mental and interpersonal control at the expense of flexibility, openness, and efficiency. In contrast to people with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), behaviors are rational and desirable to people with OCPD.

My ego is now very offended and hurt and tells me that I am not THAT bad or sick. That is true – this Leelah is able to live in considerable chaos around her,especially when she is  arting – but she has also this life chosen to work with exploring archetypes, and illnesses have their own imprint or theme. I am very grateful for the inner artist who in fact enjoys exploring these inner concerts of energy.

And as I rose from the sofa after being renewed, I turned on the radio. It played this – and my body flew into ecstatic dance

Astor Piazolla – Las Cuatro Estaciones Portenas / Primavera

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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