Surrender

Last night I prayed,”please give me a dream where I meet the part of me that I most need to love and forgive. “
I did: it was a short clear image of a small / dwarf-like male figure – pitch black,glossy, like tar with varnish.
I can’t really tell you how beautiful it felt to be with this part. ” I bless you, I wish you well, I wish you your highest freedom” – these words from Adyashanti has resonated in me since i watched the meme on Facebook.
There was an instant relief – this part, or maybe  male symbol of everything not-loving in the mind  – received it. We were with each other for a long time
*
My whole life I have been drawn to war-movies and concentration camps and what went on there. As a therapist I have had patients with parents from these camps, and have witnessed ( the word-correcting thingy wrote: “wintered” :)) how they carry their parents’ UNacknowledged pain and identify with it
In my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love” ( see right menu) I have a chapter of this occurrence – how a part of us derives “worth” from playing “the savior,”  subconsciously takes on parents’/violators’ energy and then believes that this energy is “theirs.” Identifying with it.
I know myself how many years I have needed to separate those energies from what I call me.
Yesterday I saw the movie “Unbroken” directed by Angelina Jolie –  a 15 minutes interview with Louis Zamperini, link to video below,  prisoner in Japanese war camps, subjected to unspeakable torture with following years of nightmares and booze.
What turned him around was Billy Graham. Louis surrendered – gave his life to Christ – and what is so unspeakably beautiful is to look at this face as he describes how he KNEW that all the thoughts and images were GONE from his mind.
Just as we heard from Israel‘s webcast  in Way of Mastery- Choose to Love first – choose to want God FIRST NOW.
I love when I see that forgiveness is nothing you do – just a choice for a change in perception.
What am I waiting for? really?

Deepening of trust and healing

  I recently listened to  my teacher Israel’s last webcast again, and there is a place where Jeshua REALLY let us hear,” NEVER NEVER NEVVVER listen to the beliefs that you cannot change an old belief – we see this all the time.”


Now I choose to know that I am the right place at the right time. I just have some strong symptoms, wondering if they need medical attention – and at the same time, trust that they DO come from an old belief in utter worthlessness – like ” I am the very center of evil in the world ” – 🙂 no less! For me , it has to do with eating – a kind of “wolf eating” –

I have my second operation of cataracts coming Thursday. I know it is important to do that one – I will have a different degree on myopia than before on my right eye, and my wonderful surgeon tells me that that will do something very good to my brain – which has struggled with one near-sighted and one far-sighted eye for years! 🙂
So this is vital.

Writing this now, I believe that what is happening with my body comes from a part in deep fear from changing that dynamic of seeing – since of course it want to keep the status quo ( Leelah is a victim).

Anybody interested in more of this, feel free to click on “When Fear Comes Home to Love” in the right menu. The reviews will give you a clear idea if it will be helpful for you.

So when the meals come and I feel like “I MUST have something sweet for dessert” I instead pause for 10 minutes and ask God to replace that urge with COMFORT and support. It feels very good – and I still have those maybe blood-sugar- falls, but yesterday a notably less crazy.

I just opened a wise-quote-book, and it said: focus on what you want, not on what you do not want.
So that is what I will do

 I remember all the times i have wanted to do something wonderful ( today an appointment to see a movie with my daughter) – and VERY often strong symptoms have popped up, “stay home, you are ill” and I have persevered, and always it has been just fine 🙂

Writing this, I feel 70% better now than when i sat down –

Christ Consciousness

Last webcast on lesson 11 of Way of Knowing with Sarita Premley. The guided meditation was very helpful  – I always am more present when I listen to them alone in bed afterwards – I get distracted by all the energy info coming in from the images/persons on the screen

So when Sarita asked, “What do you really want to KNOW this life “– there was direct transmission via images and impressions. First there was the idea of being of service – but what truly came up as something I really have WANTED, was this:

I want to KNOW myself as a sovereign soul/Christ/Self, and BE/radiate this state of Presence to others.

In my book When Fear Comes Home to Love where we explore certain fear-archetypes-traps and how to relate to them, there is an archetype I have called Bird – after the big painting I was “given” to “download” as a painter, where all the archetypes are present as figures. The main one that I and all my patients through 30 years have had and been driven by, is what we may call “The helper/therapist-archetype” the one that derives her/his worth by this work – to her/his own detriment.

I have worked diligently with its energy for years – and yesterday, after our webcast, I noticed that my whole house was filled to the brim by my neighbors’ energy ( those from Kosovo that I have talked about earlier.) It even SMELLED from them – a quite different smell than the familiar one.)

So now I was planted in the middle of the old pattern: I am one who always pick up others unconsciousness that they have split off, and hold it for them.

I did that for 30 years as therapist without finding out what to do about it and  almost always felt sick after sessions. “Giving it back” afterwards never really worked. Yesterday I saw the  seed -belief  – I NEED to do this as a survival mode – taking the others crazy-energy inside as a way of control it.– I truly believed it would save me from being attacked again, since I now had it inside already – but as Abraham reminds us, then I just hold a frequency that attracts more of the same.

So I saw the original choice and owned it, no problem – and affirmed that I WANTED this absolute KNOWING that I was this POWERFUL Christ Presence, WANTED to KNOW myself as That, FEEL myself as that.

And I came into this body in quite a new way – very anchored. It has lasted the whole day (included a visit to the Dental Hygienists who does rather painful work.)

I saw at night how the old identity was geared  to “help” only by taking over others garbage – and that it helped me feel very good and helpful and powerful ( but also VERY angry and filled with revenge-thoughts.) I know that believed I had no choice in this – and yesterday I was clear that I had: I could choose instead just KNOWING that my True Presence  is enough – TRULY! And being anchored in it will give me the necessary info about how to intervene or NOT.

I sat with that knowing for a very long time, confirming my choice again and again – THIS is what I desire. And what helped me was the KNOWING and bodily feeling that this IS my true identity.

From intellect into body-awareness – what a journey

It feels so very  good

Thank you Sarita and group – thank you thank you

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The choice to deny oneself to survive

Each day/night I am doing the  Core Transformation Process

It is SO effective! I worked through an archetype this morning – the false helper *- I saw how excruciatingly important it was for her (me/you/us all ) to repress the longing to be seen and love and counted and then giving up all the trying and instead shifting the energy from me to others: instead of helping myself – being there for myself – I will put all the energy on one card; becoming the perfect helper. From now on I am looking for painm and problems in others, so I can comfort them as a substitute for needing comfort myself.

When I did it this morning I did it with that 4-year old Leelah-helper – no words of consolation or loving attention when she returned home from group rape.  – Only my soul could think out such a splendid way of arriving at where I am NOW – now I  TRULY can appreciate that child!  and now true forgiveness pours out like a waterfall – oh the joy! and the laughter!

You know – that little one arrived at CORE in just two steps – shivers down my back now – 1st: I want to be seen as important I want to count-  and the 2nd: I NEED TO FEEL JOYOUS! To be able to express it and have it WELCOMED!

And THERE WE WERE – in the arms of LOVE

 

* “Bird is the title I have given this archetype in the book you find in the right menu: When Fear Comes Home to Love. Click on it and you will be able to read more in the reviews.

Wolf Hunger

I went through a process that Sarita Premley taught us yesterday (Way of Knowing-students.)

The repeated question to the part goes something like this: “
a)”What do you *get* from acting like that?” and then ” b)when you have that,what may be even more important/wonderful to have – the deeper level of that-?)

Here are the stages of consciousness I found in the part that carried (and carried out) the pattern and energy of the Wolf-hunger.

1.answer: the need to be free from others’ influence. A kind of safety.

2. Freedom from “you shall you shall you shall you must you must you must you ought to! OR ELSE!!”

A lot happened in the body after this. Lots in sinus, big hiccups.

3)Embodied sense of protection.

4)Safety-feeling

5)Absence of all the demonic images this part sees ( let’s call them Fufus – that removes a lot of energy from them. If you are interested in processes that heal your relationship to fields of fufu-consciousness,my book – see below – describes a trustworthy path, well walked by me and my patients and students.) Even though I have healed this, there are still parts of my subconscious mind that have not –

***Insight: the tension behind my eyes might be just this – the urge NOT to see these images, and the conclusion these parts have made about themselves: “I must be awful, sinful, guilty etc.*** This insight instantly frees up a lot of tensions.

6) Feeling free from others controlling me. Autonomy. Me being the one who decides.

7) Inner peace

8) Deep KNOWING that the decision is mine.

9)KNOWING that I am free – that my mind is free!

10)KNOWING who I am – my true nature

11) Sovereignty.
At this stage, my mind overflowed with LOVE and a recognition that this is my Source or Core.

When the part has reached down to what we call a Core-state, breathe and stay there, receive it fully. Reminding the part that this Love that is here is there always, and can be reached/accessed without all these intermediate states. Available always – AS our true Self.

12) To the part: Now – when you know you already have this from the beginning – how does it make all this different?

***I know I cannot be manipulated for real.*** This LOVE is unharmed. I can choose to focus on this. And everybody else has the same freedom. I can choose to see through to this part in them – our essence.

At the end of the journey, the parts can now travel through the time line WITH the resource/Love and share it with all my other parts – and also travel back to the point before conception and bring this resource all the way forth, into the future.I did this – a great way of joy flowed through me.

I do not know if the wolf hunger has gone. But if there is some left, I will just repeat the process – the results were beautiful.

The book with these processes is called: Core Transformation by Connirae Andreas.

My book with mine and clients’ exploration of how to heal the dark fear parts of our mind: “When Fear Comes Home to Love” by Leelah Saachi. You find it in the right menu if you want to read more about it.

Beliefs – and Seeing Through Them

Diederik Wolsak teaches us in “Choose again – Six Steps to”Freedom – that when we have a belief –  like “Something is horrible wrong with me, I must be evil since this happens to me” this belief needs EVIDENCE to make itself “stick.” So when I believe in this, deep down in the core of my being, the evidence shows up as me being in agony in the night – not being able to rest and sleep – since the belief tells me I am evil and truly deserve this pain. It is my just punishment.

Accepting this as truth this night soothed and relieved the very physical agony quite a bit. Now I could just be a witness to it, an anthropologist noticing symptoms – “ah, just so.”

I  saw a demonic face in a National Geographic magazine yesterday – it was an illustration of a petrified Mayan god –  a metaphor of an old need not being met and allowed. Now, in the night, it was easy to see it as an old aspect of my Soul that had been strongly judged and repressed for aeons.

I opened my own book and found a Tibetan exercise called Chöd. It starts with looking at the “demon” and ask it what it needs. Now comes the fun: it will probably yell and scream and hiss and tell you that it wants to kill you or eat you or trap you forever. Listen respectfully, and ask what feeling it will have when it has received what it wants. For example: having been granted the wish “I want to control you forever” may give it a feeling of safety. It is safety it wants. “I want to scare the shit out of you” may give it a feeling of power and strength: it is strength it wants.

You may recognize that the demon’s wish is in fact your own. You transform the demon by giving him now what you denied yourself before. – Just look at him gently, knowing that you are looking at a Halloween-figure of yourself. Feed him safety: see a big jar with liquid safety, put a straw in it and let the demon suck all that it wants. Watch its transformation, and observe the peace growing inside you. When you feel safe and comfortable in this process, you might want to feed the demons all the qualities it needs from your own heart.

Since the demon “I am wrong” is a collective one – especially in the West – this process needs to be repeated and integrated. You know you have succeeded when you can look at any addict without the least judgment, because now you know who they are under the addiction.

They are pieces of God, forgetting Who they are. Look upon them with this knowing, and you look upon you.

 

 

Beliefs

In the morning, terrible cramps come. My right foot curls to the right and bends toward the knee. I tune into it – “ I will NEVER go back to this memory, this image – I will die.”

No – I want to go back now and find out what I believed about myself when it happened – since THAT is my driving force- THAT false belief formed my identity. I KNOW it is safe NOW, and that God is with me. I lie in bed and start breathing Holotropic ***– no pauses between in and outbreath. The cramp goes into the midsection – and I remember 30 years ago when this cramp lasted for three whole days. What turned it around was a shaman-friend who saw a spear there and removed it.
I know now that I had wanted and chosen that spear to be placed there – to prevent me from breathing fully and remembering the rape.

At that time my husband had recently died, I was alone without male financial support for the first time, I had a traumatized 11-year old who had seen her father die in front of her in another city, and had returned with help from human angels in that city.
There was no way I could cope with processing this old wound then- and the cramps today showed me HOW much I had invested in my story –that is, the thoughts I believed about myself that drove my personal identity.

Within few minutes breathing now I see the situation. I have seen it before, but always from outside.

Group rape in wood at 4 years old. Man sitting with a knee in my chest, pushing me down, his penis in my mouth, foreskin gets traps in my teeth. He bleeds and is terrified. Huge rage and swearing from him: Foul bitch, whore, I will let you have it etc etc. There is an instant knowing that I need to HELP him now – HE comes before ME and what I need. I need to push away what I feel and need and concentrate all of me of adjusting. I see this as salvation in the moment. All my attention / consciousness goes from me to him: I MUST help him, I MUST understand what he needs and wants NOW in this moment

What is he telling me: women/girls are despicable low grade human specimens who wants men to be brutal and abuse them.

What am I telling myself: my father does this too. BELIEF: There must be something about me that makes them do this. This something must be disgusting and depraved beyond description – my “naughty parts” as they were called, must simply be falsely created, horrible, very different from others. Probably miscreated. I deserve to be abused and maltreated – this is MY fault, I am GUILTY!

The basic premise is that I am at fault for what happens with them –and then I follows that it is my responsibility to help them feel better. This is the basic premise of the BIRD-archetype in When Fear Comes Home to Love – which all of my patients share.
And this became my identity. This is my circle of fear, as Jeshua says in Way of Knowing.The innermost fear is really about my BELIEF that I am guilty of all of this – and that I am responsible for others wellbeing.

I/ this false identity-me/ have seen it as my responsibility to heal my new refugee-neighbors too – but the healing for me is just to spot these old beliefs about myself and KNOW they are not true, and forgive myself for believing I could be guilty, and for forgetting that my worth in intrinsic and NOT depending on what I do or think.
This song came into my head – it was very popular in the fifties, when I was a child.

 

What do you wanna make those eyes at me for
If they don’t mean what they say
They make me glad, they make me sad
They make me want a lot of things that I never had

You’re fooling around with me now
Well you lead me on and then you run away
Well that’s all right, I’ll get you alone some night
And baby you’ll find, you’re messing with dynamite
So what do you wanna make those eyes at me for
If they don’t mean what they say

***

Depth of Hell

All yesterday was filled with an abyss of meaningless, chaos, depression – feeling like dying each second, and being stuck in this. I decided to go to bed at 9pm in the hope that something would change while I slept.

In the morning I dreamt that I was going to town with my new neighbors – they were driving the car / this trauma-energy is driving me. They come from Kosovo – with all the traumas of war and loss that implies. I asked them to drop me at the main station /SELF –and there full chaos reigned, in my dream. I first lost my cell phone /my mind– and then I bought fast food ( sausage with lots of mustard and ketchup)/ thoughts that are not nourishing – and it glued itself to my fingers and then to my cell phone and all was a terrible gluey mess.

I spoke to St.Germain when I woke up. There was a lot of laughing! I saw that I have the last 30 years perfected a descent in to hell. It became clear that I don’t have to go deeper – and I realized that it is the ego which wants to go deeper. All exploration of darkness proves that darkness exists and is real – and here and now I see that darkness IS the very thought system of ego itself.

The hell establishes its domain – and strengthens the belief that I NEED to find its deepest ground to bring love into that.

The thing is – there is no deepest! I am the One who chooses how deep hell is – and I am the One who chooses: enough.

When I saw that, clarity dawned, and a saw a host of little angels giggling and cheering at me.

My ego has made exploration into a chore – something to do to make “me” worthy, and even MORE worthy that you – whomever you are. It took the meaning of depth to a whole new depth.

Oh the absolute futility and silliness in choosing to make more darkness in order to give love into it.

There is a deep momentum in this habit for me. Holy Spirit help me to see this each time it comes again.

Extern – or intern server?

This is precious – typical “Blue is Playing”***- fun.

New readers: “Blue” is a name for Spirit for me. Blue gives me the most outrageous synchronicities and signs to point me in the direction of Love and Truth.

Just now i got this message: We could not deliver you mail to ….xxx@xxx.com., because the extern server is false configured.

So I called them by phone – and they told me that all is perfect – they receive lots of mail 🙂

AHA – it for me! What may extern server be a metaphor of: EGO of course – and so Blue is telling me to listen to the internal Server – Holy Spirit, Jeshua, God – in other words, the Right Mind

***Blue is playing are little stories about strange synchronicities that Spirit (“Blue” uses in my life to lovingly push me back in alignment with Love/Truth, You can read then in my book in the right menu – “When Fear Comes Home to Love”

 

Outside and Inside

David Youngblood told me this some years ago – and I wrote it down in one of my many notebooks. Today I felt insane and opened one notebook randomly. And what I need is RIGHT HERE:

“I am only upset at others/someone when they mirror back to my mind a belief which I have denied from awareness. When I blame something/someone (or fear them) it is to avoid seeing the upset and the resolution as they really are (a decision in my mind to stay separate) and to instead maintain an image of myself/other / the world / as I WISH.

What a relief: OF COURSE I have wanted to see insanity projected outside of me!

“This mind-trick seems to replace guilt and fear, but actually maintains feelings of upset. To blame or fear an image of self/other/the World, requires that I believe I am limited to a body and a world of bodies, and it denies the Spiritual abstract reality of my being.

As a first step in letting go of all upset, I want to see in my mind what I thought was outside it”

I instantly see the field of insanity that surrounded me,my family and the men who abused “me” – I recognize it – I have for years of my life thought it was ME and have tried as hard as possible to push it away.

Now I have A Course in Miracles and Way of Mastery and am grateful beyond means that I now can choose again.

What do I REALLY want to see in I. and I.? ( The two persons who I have seen insanity in, threatening my peace.)

I want to see deep peace, gratefulness for all they have experienced, since it has brought us all HERE – I want to see tenderness, gentleness, patience, gratitude, deep inner peace and contentment, inner wisdom, clarity, respect for Self and others – and LOVE.

And how fun it is that both the names of these two whose people who carry the energies that scare me, start with I – so there are only I and I and I LOL –

there never was anybody outside this Big I/Self that we all share

 

 

 

 

 

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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