The Final Bite

Dream: Something goes on between my daughter and me, and I feel a hatred and a RAGE that is larger than the world. In the dream, there is something she prevents me me do or express, and I sense I will implode from it. I bend and bite her in her hip- and as I see it now, I bite right into her very skeleton – her bone-structure.

Awake, I know that M is just a projection of my own anger at my parents – that I internalized – and that this judged and repressed energy went right into my bone structure and may well be the innermost cause of  “my” Osteoporosis,

This came after the second time I have done the bladder/kidney/water-poses in Donna Eden and Lauren Walker’s online course *** The first time my body screamed with pain, but  I  am determined to do this in a non-harmful way. The second time it went much better – I must do it in the morning and not evening, I notice, the body is not so sluggish then.

I talked with the Leelah –part who received all that anger and hatred and acknowledged that it would have been dangerous to express it when small- and I admitted that she/ my child self/ had received that bite. For a long time I was WITH her, embracing her, letting her express and rant. I truly SAW the power of denied and judged emotions, and the huge work the Triple Warmer does do keep us “safe.”

I have worked since 1988 in my private practice as an Expressive Arts Therapist ( background as an artist), and my patients have all had the same intensely forbidden and repressed anger. It has been a gradual unraveling through 31 years to get to the point of clarity this late night.

Now there is still work to be done – owning the energy instead of the old habit of pushing it back, allowing it to move with the structures given me in this course. The great healing is, that NOW the judgment of it has gone – not me or mine anymore, just neutral energy that can be given outlets and being played with and expressed the way I love to do.

Thank you Donna and Lauren from all my heart. Thank myself for hanging in there for all these years, vowing to heal myself this life, thank you to all my patients to also hung in there for years until our common patterns were lovingly given space and form – in storytelling, movement, dance, music, painting and drawing. Through it all, Love was present and showed us that we could trust the process, and that play and forgiveness was the main ingredients in our journeys.

After having worked in my practice for 4 years, I started to see a common thread in all my patients – and I found 10 archetypes of fear. I started to explore the very essence of them, and found out what healed our relationship to these fear-and-violence-forces in us all – and finding what healed them. After 25 years worked, I wrote two books about our work – one of the gradual process of working through the darkest forces, giving them space ( yoga was always a modality that I loved) and one very playful one which uses creativity and play – and LOVE –  to deal with crises and transform them into possibilities.

The two books are placed in the right menu. My Amazon pages has many reviews  for you to read if you are interested in what others found helpful.

***If interested in the Course, google “EnergyMedicineYoga with Donna Eden and Lauren Walker” and you will find links and videos.

 

 

For anyone with dissociation and fragmentation

I had quite a miracle happening to me this morning –
 
The last 40 years or so I have been haunted by what doctors have seen on x-rays as a malignant mass in the lungs on the right side – but not malignant enough to operate – since I still can breathe enough to live 🙂 I am a healer and teacher and artist and I have vowed to do my best to free my bodymind from the effects of grave sexual abuse from I was very small and until ca 20 years old. I know I have used a muscle panzer to prevent myself to breathe, since the breath would have put me in contact with memories that would have been devastating for my bodymind and sanity – before NOW.
 
This morning – I am 74 years old now -I at last had arrived at the point where that part of me who had made the decision to stop breathing, now was willing to LISTEN to me. And what has helped me immensely to come to this point, is the old teaching about the five Elements ( I am Earth.) I have a long running with Yoga in many forms – what had such a miraculous effect on me now was the whole thing coming together: the SOUNDS and the MOVEMENTS and the intent and the sacredness of it all.
 
As an artist and an expressive Arts Therapist, I teach the processes that has helped me the most – dancing/moving the energies while holding an intention, and a willingness to let go of control and ask for help from the Soul/Self instead. The 5-element process brought me back to what must have been many lifetimes practicing the old old structures – in a way that makes it all one cohesive surrender-love-dance.
 
My little girl understood that she had to accept what had happened in order to be able to let it go – I had at last succeeded breaching the abyss of isolation. It is my firm belief that it was the YOGI SOUNDS that opened the space for her to accept my presence – and for her lungs to start accepting air into them more fully.
 
So we breathed and sounded into that old isolated space, and suddenly the ice melted – and the most horrendous burning pain flowed through the right upper part of my body. I saw how immensely my muscles have worked in creating that panser – and how it hurt to let freedom into those muscles now. – I allowed and embraced the hurt, and suddenly it were gone.
 
And I feel present
 
How fortunate we are, we who live NOW and have decided to become free – then the right teachers pop up everywhere. Thank you Lauren and Donna and bless your work, I am so grateful

The Inner Attacker

I have for some years now been guided to work/play through old patterns of self-attack in the mind, that is mirrored in f.ex cataracts. I was in terror of those 2 cataract-operations but was clearly guided to have them, and through them I was led to deep and dark places that I believe i could have seen had it not been for these operations. I walked through those traumas while the doctor operated, and shared them loud, he listened deeply and i came out of it tremendously grateful. And he beamed with joy too!

Now I recently had an urinary infection. It bled. I am 74. I gave a urine test to my doctor, she said “you got full pot” and told me I ***had to*** take antibiotics.

So I did – but I asked archangel Michael’s rays to go into those pills. The bleeding stopped instantly – but my right eye started to bleed instead.

And I heard: “it s OK to take the antibiotics- but the bleeding / the inner alarm/ will show up again until you are willing to practice with full intention.And YOU have chose to come to this point of no return, Leelah.”

I asked inside what this wanted to tell me, and I heard “old self attack.” I have had so many attacks from “outside” this life – really obnoxious ones – and have known that they have their origin in my thinking. This time I felt/sensed the energy of hatred and attack and wanting to kill in the left brain ( that governs the right eye.)

This is it, folk. No doctor for this eye – I – only the divine Self.

I was told to post this here – because we as humans all have this pattern of self attack – otherwise we would not be here. I invite you to play with me here: to set a clear intention of forgiving ourselves for these thoughts, these perceptions – and so sit with it in the way you are guided to: my way is embracing my wrong minded age old choice, forgiving it completely, embracing it, blessing the wound inside my mind and heart in whatever way it has manifested for me, and important: forgiving all the ways I have judged and condemned myself for being so “worthy of attack and punishment.”

There is a place in most of us that think it is simply “wrong” and deserves punishment. I have seen this part in all my art therapy patients/clients/students through 30 years, and gathered our healing paths and case stories in the books in the right menu: 25 years of experiences how God plays with us and smiles us through it all.

For now, I thank those who feel invited to participate in this glorious celebration of Who we are – when we willingly receive our inner attacker and bless him and forgive ourself for creating this pattern – this belief in separation, sin, fear and guilt.

I was also asked to ask personally for help – which I really need to learn if you feel so guided, I am sitting here meditating. I want this healed through the heart and not antibiotics this time.

With great love to all my readers here –

Blessings and big thanks for reading this-

I would love comments!

Resisting Love

Anybody who has been abused/molested or has been on the perpetrator side,this is for you. You may just be helped a lot by “When Fear Comes Hoe to Love” in the right menu.

Last night in bed, I wanted to link up with Love again – realizing this is a habit that needs reinforcing to build new neural pathways. Big hiccupping started in the solar plexus, and I saw an intense dark resistance there: I will NOT have any connection with Light!

“What do you need?” I asked – remembering my old work with the demonic 25 years ago. I told it “ I am here for you, I am not going anywhere..”

At once I saw the image of myself in the old garden four years old, that I describe in the Chapter BIRD in my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love.” BIRD is the archetype of the one who sees her SOLE worth as being there for everybody else – and not herself, whom she judges wrong and guilty.

It is the archetype that resists the light – as it is anchored and springs from the very belief that it is the opposite of love, and so would be annihilated by it.

I hold the child who identified with the archetype: now: I got you! This is just a memory – what you feel are just coming from your conviction that you are NOT what you are: Pure Light made in God’s Image. And when you put an “I” behind those thoughts, they become your identity.

I see the energy gestalt squirming and fighting, and ask my beloved female illumines Quan Yin, Aurora, Shekinah and Anna to stand around what I called me, and I ask the Legions Of Light to stand at the very entrance of the Solar Plexus Chakra in the spine – and from there shine their light through the Solar Plexus out of the navel. They tell me it will take some time, and that I need to remember to breathe it all out when I notice the discomfort.

The little one that I split off completely sits on my lap and witnesses it, no longer identified with it – like waking up from a thousand years old nightmare

 

 

Armour

There is an armour around my heart and lungs – experienced consciously for at least 30 years. Physically, I have sensed it as a steel band, or a coat of cement – x-rays show it as a dark mass – malignant, say doctors, but not so malignant that they have to operate it out

I recently bought the book ” It did not start with you” by Mark Wolynn, and on this welcome-page he has several short videos. I looked at nr 8 – “She pulled out her hair.” In 6 minutes he gives us the very essence of healing;

the breath – the holding – and the awareness.

When I held my heart/lung area, I sensed the huge longing to be held – without being “comforted away” from the feeling, not being fixed – just held and loved WITH the longing.

My mother passes over years ago, but the last days I have been able to sit with her and communicate – and today I gave her back all the guilt I have held for her – that she again had held for others. I breathed it back to her, and left was just this immense longing to be HELD without expectations of ANY kind – just held like I was, feeling what I was. Not fixed.

That longing – it is in us all, I believe. To be witnessed as that, held as that, embraced with that

 

The little girl in the sunspot

In these days I am working with – playing with – the old persona: the one who is simply “wrong”, the one who has accepted this, because it gives her an opportunity to ” better” herself, to adapt into what the others want her to be – and so  be SAFE.

When I talk to her in the morning, and ask her if she is willing to let go of that belief and idea that she is wrong – she says yes! and then – ” but who will I be when I am not HER??” and she shares her panic of losing herSELF and be eaten by demons.

In this moment a clear image comes to mind – my brother told me this, many years ago:

I am 2 years old – sitting on the floor, playing with something – stones maybe – and I am sitting in the center of a bright and shining sunspot. My brother shared the radiant peace and joy in that image –

and now I share it with my little girl:

THIS is who you are. – is THIS you in danger? is there anything wrong with her?

Nothing.

And she sees that everything else she has thought about herself, how she “is”, is simply the costumes she has taken on through life – the costumes that belongs to her role that is part of the play this family has played out this life.

I am that girl in that circle – and the truth is that  this Light comes out of Who I am – who we all are, when we are willing to see the Godfilledness in all, as the  very fabrics of the Universe that is us

I invite my readers to take a peek into the two books in the right menu – they contain experiences, insights and playful methods to use our pain and transform it into gold. The loving Voice who guides me is the loving voice inside us all – always ready at our choice to receive it.

Right now – this child is YOU, outside time and space, forever safe in the arms of LOVE

 

Hilaryon Stories – the Botany of Loss,Longing and White hares

For six years I have worked on a novel – guidance told me it had to somehow touch on the feud between Pharaoh and Moses in the Old Testament. I have never been able to digest that image of God, so I thought is was a good idea to do it like it happened in this book- giving it all over to my Muse, who turned out to be Master Hilaryon of the 5th Ray -! –

Now the book is almost formatted completely – and I want to present the Cover here. I stitched/embroidered it myself 🙂

The Virgin Mountain

After I found out what I truly wanted to experience, it happened this morning. I had wanted to experience being fully anchored in my body, present, healthy, ALIVE and happy – no longer being a vacuum cleaner for others’ negative energies.

In this life I have explored all kind of energies, and it has been adamant for me to learn fully  to be able to be WITH them and not “become” them.

I had a dream this morning, about living temporarily in a house with many people – and in one room there were drug addicts, heavy smokers, it smelt of booze and old sweat and  darkness.  I did not look forward to spend the night in this house – and i woke up.

Feeling this energy when i woke up, I realized I had identified with it – “this has something to do with “me.” No, I corrected myself, this has to do with old memories of being subjected to these energies, having felt them fully as a small child and then told myself that feeling like this, meant  that I must be horrible!

Doing as all empaths do – and must learn to undo: identified with the energies, thinking it is ME, and then making up stories about what kind of person “I” must be.

Now, awake, it gradually happened that I lost that false identity and KNEW who I was – as God created me, eternal Self, invulnerable, wise,all-loving.

And so I could envision myself standing there WITH these people with these energies – fully anchored in the original Self – and just radiating this. No talking necessary

The images of those persons dissolved completely. I saw that I had had this dream to discover that there still was an energetic connection between these kind of people  and energies – and the true ME.

It was beyond description beautiful to feel the real true Me as Presence – and from that True Identity, just allowing the others to live according to their beliefs and likes – knowing they have the same essence and free will to be and become whatever they choose

Then I fell asleep again and had a numinous dream:

I stand in front of a huge mountain, pyramidal in shape, but the sides are longer than the base. It is called the Virgin ( I once visited the Mountain Die Jungfrau in Switzerland, and found some relics on the top that I later attached to a power tool.)

The Virgin had something falling down like  a waterfall from the apex – it looked like pure white light wool. I saw that another woman – a well known energy medicine woman who cured herself of ME and all kind of allergies when she was young had once hanged onto that wool while it swayed and danced in the wind and had been truly hurt by it, almost crushed. I found one tiny edge of it and held on – knowing I would not do as Donna had done and be hurt.

Then I saw that it was pure gold that waterfalled down the mountain. It was glorious and numinous and I shivered and cried.

I want to BE at a place of Being where I CAN dance with that gold and be strengthened by it.

I  will and can do that when I fully have anchored my true Self in THIS body.

 

Trapped in a Box of Stone

I am taking a 7 week course called Feminine Power. We have all made a commitment sharing on the Facebook-group-site from our power: “I commit to make every effort to show up in the group in ways that are aligned with this story of myself as a powerful creator, while at the same time making room for my own vulnerability and imperfections.”

My first longer post was moderated – and they let me know that it had to be MUCH more written from power.

It took me 14 days to find their post to me at Messenger – and their answers have been later than they promised – so this all has contributed to bringing me into an age old state of mind. I chose to look at it as The Universe’s way of arranging all for the best for me. Which I truly believe is true – looking at it with Christ’s vision.

I found that part inside that was in agony at being “ignored”,  outcast, black sheep, left out, feeling hopeless, powerless and angry at God and then herself, for surely she was  at fault for something.

When I found her in the body – this deeply separated identity – I saw her inside a stone-room- like the one Hildegard von Bingen sat in for years, by her own choice – to find God completely. What an exquisite metaphor for the ego thought system:  first we play with the thought “ what if we were on our own and created outside God/Love –” and then, in the shock of being in the utter darkness of lovelessness, guilt, shame and fear is born. Now there seems to be a small I who has to go through eons of years of struggle and suffering to reach the original Knowing  of Who we are. –while the truth is always only a choice away: I choose LOVE now.

I ask her two questions only: “What do you feel” and “what do you need” – and say back  “ I see/hear that you…” I want this old part not to have”comfort” – I want her to KNOW that I hear her without the slightest twinge of judgment – since this is what has worked best for ME in  life and therapy.

At first, I felt with breath and allowance the tremendous agony of living in that stone box for ever as a prisoner, left there to die  (not as Hildegard.)  When this inner part of me at least felt free to express the indescribable anger, venom and hatred at God – “for not thinking she suffered “enough” to be saved – it was a formidable breakthrough, the body was filled with light and tender warmth. Then the next step – to realize that it was really herself she hated and judged – for having failed God’s commands.

Now – I have been raised a Christian – so anybody who has been exposed to those dogmas of a wrathful and vengeful God have these beliefs deeply rooted in our mind: God sets standards and we must be punished for our own good. I recognize how much that belief has craved evidence for itself in my life –  that’s what beliefs do! If I feel unworthy, it is because somebody has projected on me  their own feeling of unworthiness and inadequacy – “ I am WRONG all through.” And so we go through life living it FROM this belief, and  therefore have it mirrored back at us everywhere –  as a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Any belief we hold does that – crave evidence for its reality. And we believe it is OUR reality – not just a false thought, believed in.

So my interest has been to find the common archetypes we all are driven by, and finding the “me” at the bottom of them needing to speak her truth and be heard and loved WITH those feelings.

At one point this night, I /she truly SAW how important it was for her to be RIGHT about her perception as being a victim and unjustly treated by God – since the opposite would have meant that the story she had told about herself and given tremendous meaning to, was really based on that God had dumped her and judged her and punished her atrociously in this life

All my suffering has come from IDENTIFYING with her / her story – calling it me and mine.

We are all formidable creators of our life – exactly the way it has turned out: something in our soul has chosen to explore exactly THIS horror you are going through – since you cannot love what you have not first embraced. And we cannot embrace as long as we judge. My childhood with group rape at age four – endless years with abuse and nobody willing to see and comfort – has led me step for step to embracing all of it.  I have truly seen that inside each horrible act from a predator, there is a terrified child believing in unworthiness and guilt – endless ancestral patterns brought forward to us and through us. Through this we are being trained well to find the places where we have – at least – WANTED to murder and torture another. Are you with me?  🙂  Forgiving ourselves for -at least –having rented space for those thoughts in our mind – forgiving ourselves for allowing them in –  allows for The Holy Spirit’s loving energy and thoughts to replace our old “tenants.

I dreamed that Stone Chamber up. – Now I can choose again – being truly forgiving of how much “me-power” there has been in this creation, and therefore how tenaciously parts of me hang on to it.

Finding them all, allowing them to come through in storytelling and playfulness is what I have been created  to help others to do – finding their own  creativity, playfulness and vast resources of healing.

What I love most is that its not possible to make anything “wrong.” When I meet wrong with play, healing and huge laughter happens

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The art of allowing

I am taking a course called Feminine Power. 

It is amazing for me to realize the extent that most of us have lived with male strategies,  while at the same time, as artist I know one thing fully: art comes only through when I allow creation  to come through me.  I also need to truly allow my self to receive – a feminine quality. How different to set an intent of trusting – feminine – and at least planning to give up control ( at least when it is not necessary:))

Here is a case story from my expressive arts therapy practice about 20 years ago. It shows a remarkable shift in the mind of a young woman – chief nurse at large hospital. She was plagued by a rigid control, and wanted help.

This case story is one among many in my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love” in the right menu.

*

Blue Bells, Feathers and Stars: Trusting the Creative Process

Rowena wears a thick and invisible cloak around herself – it prevents her from participating in life. Everything is distant and un-engaging – nothing concerns her or touches her heart. In the session I help her to BE with herself – here and now. We wander around in the room, and I ask her to tell me what she is aware of right this moment. Like this:

“Now I’m aware of the feather hanging on the wall beside the shaman-drum.

Now I’m aware of the blue color in that picture.

Now I’m aware of those small brass-bells.

Now I’m aware of that star.

Now I’m aware of the blue stone.

Now I’m aware of the stars in that picture.

Now I’m aware of the image of that feather.

Now I’m aware of the feather on the tip of that painted stick.”

After having done this for about five minutes, we notice what repeats itself in her attention: feathers, blue, stars and bells. We honor what she has given attention and awareness to, and create small poems where these four elements are interwoven.

It is night.

In the deep blue sky

Stars are singing.

 

A bright white feather

Sinking to earth,

Sounds of

Small bells

I ask Rowena, in the days until next session, to notice everything she sees that has blue or feathers or stars or bells. I also ask her to write down her dreams and notice if the four elements are there. But Rowena tells me that she is unable to catch her dreams: “They escape me all the time. I am lucky to get only a fragment… when I wake up, I know I have dreamt a lot, but they disappear.”

Next session Rowena reports she has seen feathers everywhere! As she takes a hike in the wood, in front of her on the trail is a big orange feather. Clear blue ribbons frame the trail, and deeper in the wood, a sky-blue tent…

After this, she goes to town. She enters a shop she never visited before – and there she finds an object that contains all the four elements: feathers, blue, stars and the sound of small bells. She buys it, and pulls it out of her bag to show me: “I have never seen anything like this before!”

With great delight I tell her that the object she bought is an American Indian dream-catcher.

 

(And yes, she started to remember her dreams after that).

 

 

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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