Beliefs – and Seeing Through Them

Diederik Wolsak teaches us in “Choose again – Six Steps to”Freedom – that when we have a belief –  like “Something is horrible wrong with me, I must be evil since this happens to me” this belief needs EVIDENCE to make itself “stick.” So when I believe in this, deep down in the core of my being, the evidence shows up as me being in agony in the night – not being able to rest and sleep – since the belief tells me I am evil and truly deserve this pain. It is my just punishment.

Accepting this as truth this night soothed and relieved the very physical agony quite a bit. Now I could just be a witness to it, an anthropologist noticing symptoms – “ah, just so.”

I  saw a demonic face in a National Geographic magazine yesterday – it was an illustration of a petrified Mayan god –  a metaphor of an old need not being met and allowed. Now, in the night, it was easy to see it as an old aspect of my Soul that had been strongly judged and repressed for aeons.

I opened my own book and found a Tibetan exercise called Chöd. It starts with looking at the “demon” and ask it what it needs. Now comes the fun: it will probably yell and scream and hiss and tell you that it wants to kill you or eat you or trap you forever. Listen respectfully, and ask what feeling it will have when it has received what it wants. For example: having been granted the wish “I want to control you forever” may give it a feeling of safety. It is safety it wants. “I want to scare the shit out of you” may give it a feeling of power and strength: it is strength it wants.

You may recognize that the demon’s wish is in fact your own. You transform the demon by giving him now what you denied yourself before. – Just look at him gently, knowing that you are looking at a Halloween-figure of yourself. Feed him safety: see a big jar with liquid safety, put a straw in it and let the demon suck all that it wants. Watch its transformation, and observe the peace growing inside you. When you feel safe and comfortable in this process, you might want to feed the demons all the qualities it needs from your own heart.

Since the demon “I am wrong” is a collective one – especially in the West – this process needs to be repeated and integrated. You know you have succeeded when you can look at any addict without the least judgment, because now you know who they are under the addiction.

They are pieces of God, forgetting Who they are. Look upon them with this knowing, and you look upon you.

 

 

Beliefs

In the morning, terrible cramps come. My right foot curls to the right and bends toward the knee. I tune into it – “ I will NEVER go back to this memory, this image – I will die.”

No – I want to go back now and find out what I believed about myself when it happened – since THAT is my driving force- THAT false belief formed my identity. I KNOW it is safe NOW, and that God is with me. I lie in bed and start breathing Holotropic ***– no pauses between in and outbreath. The cramp goes into the midsection – and I remember 30 years ago when this cramp lasted for three whole days. What turned it around was a shaman-friend who saw a spear there and removed it.
I know now that I had wanted and chosen that spear to be placed there – to prevent me from breathing fully and remembering the rape.

At that time my husband had recently died, I was alone without male financial support for the first time, I had a traumatized 11-year old who had seen her father die in front of her in another city, and had returned with help from human angels in that city.
There was no way I could cope with processing this old wound then- and the cramps today showed me HOW much I had invested in my story –that is, the thoughts I believed about myself that drove my personal identity.

Within few minutes breathing now I see the situation. I have seen it before, but always from outside.

Group rape in wood at 4 years old. Man sitting with a knee in my chest, pushing me down, his penis in my mouth, foreskin gets traps in my teeth. He bleeds and is terrified. Huge rage and swearing from him: Foul bitch, whore, I will let you have it etc etc. There is an instant knowing that I need to HELP him now – HE comes before ME and what I need. I need to push away what I feel and need and concentrate all of me of adjusting. I see this as salvation in the moment. All my attention / consciousness goes from me to him: I MUST help him, I MUST understand what he needs and wants NOW in this moment

What is he telling me: women/girls are despicable low grade human specimens who wants men to be brutal and abuse them.

What am I telling myself: my father does this too. BELIEF: There must be something about me that makes them do this. This something must be disgusting and depraved beyond description – my “naughty parts” as they were called, must simply be falsely created, horrible, very different from others. Probably miscreated. I deserve to be abused and maltreated – this is MY fault, I am GUILTY!

The basic premise is that I am at fault for what happens with them –and then I follows that it is my responsibility to help them feel better. This is the basic premise of the BIRD-archetype in When Fear Comes Home to Love – which all of my patients share.
And this became my identity. This is my circle of fear, as Jeshua says in Way of Knowing.The innermost fear is really about my BELIEF that I am guilty of all of this – and that I am responsible for others wellbeing.

I/ this false identity-me/ have seen it as my responsibility to heal my new refugee-neighbors too – but the healing for me is just to spot these old beliefs about myself and KNOW they are not true, and forgive myself for believing I could be guilty, and for forgetting that my worth in intrinsic and NOT depending on what I do or think.
This song came into my head – it was very popular in the fifties, when I was a child.

 

What do you wanna make those eyes at me for
If they don’t mean what they say
They make me glad, they make me sad
They make me want a lot of things that I never had

You’re fooling around with me now
Well you lead me on and then you run away
Well that’s all right, I’ll get you alone some night
And baby you’ll find, you’re messing with dynamite
So what do you wanna make those eyes at me for
If they don’t mean what they say

***

Depth of Hell

All yesterday was filled with an abyss of meaningless, chaos, depression – feeling like dying each second, and being stuck in this. I decided to go to bed at 9pm in the hope that something would change while I slept.

In the morning I dreamt that I was going to town with my new neighbors – they were driving the car / this trauma-energy is driving me. They come from Kosovo – with all the traumas of war and loss that implies. I asked them to drop me at the main station /SELF –and there full chaos reigned, in my dream. I first lost my cell phone /my mind– and then I bought fast food ( sausage with lots of mustard and ketchup)/ thoughts that are not nourishing – and it glued itself to my fingers and then to my cell phone and all was a terrible gluey mess.

I spoke to St.Germain when I woke up. There was a lot of laughing! I saw that I have the last 30 years perfected a descent in to hell. It became clear that I don’t have to go deeper – and I realized that it is the ego which wants to go deeper. All exploration of darkness proves that darkness exists and is real – and here and now I see that darkness IS the very thought system of ego itself.

The hell establishes its domain – and strengthens the belief that I NEED to find its deepest ground to bring love into that.

The thing is – there is no deepest! I am the One who chooses how deep hell is – and I am the One who chooses: enough.

When I saw that, clarity dawned, and a saw a host of little angels giggling and cheering at me.

My ego has made exploration into a chore – something to do to make “me” worthy, and even MORE worthy that you – whomever you are. It took the meaning of depth to a whole new depth.

Oh the absolute futility and silliness in choosing to make more darkness in order to give love into it.

There is a deep momentum in this habit for me. Holy Spirit help me to see this each time it comes again.

Extern – or intern server?

This is precious – typical “Blue is Playing”***- fun.

New readers: “Blue” is a name for Spirit for me. Blue gives me the most outrageous synchronicities and signs to point me in the direction of Love and Truth.

Just now i got this message: We could not deliver you mail to ….xxx@xxx.com., because the extern server is false configured.

So I called them by phone – and they told me that all is perfect – they receive lots of mail 🙂

AHA – it for me! What may extern server be a metaphor of: EGO of course – and so Blue is telling me to listen to the internal Server – Holy Spirit, Jeshua, God – in other words, the Right Mind

***Blue is playing are little stories about strange synchronicities that Spirit (“Blue” uses in my life to lovingly push me back in alignment with Love/Truth, You can read then in my book in the right menu – “When Fear Comes Home to Love”

 

Outside and Inside

David Youngblood told me this some years ago – and I wrote it down in one of my many notebooks. Today I felt insane and opened one notebook randomly. And what I need is RIGHT HERE:

“I am only upset at others/someone when they mirror back to my mind a belief which I have denied from awareness. When I blame something/someone (or fear them) it is to avoid seeing the upset and the resolution as they really are (a decision in my mind to stay separate) and to instead maintain an image of myself/other / the world / as I WISH.

What a relief: OF COURSE I have wanted to see insanity projected outside of me!

“This mind-trick seems to replace guilt and fear, but actually maintains feelings of upset. To blame or fear an image of self/other/the World, requires that I believe I am limited to a body and a world of bodies, and it denies the Spiritual abstract reality of my being.

As a first step in letting go of all upset, I want to see in my mind what I thought was outside it”

I instantly see the field of insanity that surrounded me,my family and the men who abused “me” – I recognize it – I have for years of my life thought it was ME and have tried as hard as possible to push it away.

Now I have A Course in Miracles and Way of Mastery and am grateful beyond means that I now can choose again.

What do I REALLY want to see in I. and I.? ( The two persons who I have seen insanity in, threatening my peace.)

I want to see deep peace, gratefulness for all they have experienced, since it has brought us all HERE – I want to see tenderness, gentleness, patience, gratitude, deep inner peace and contentment, inner wisdom, clarity, respect for Self and others – and LOVE.

And how fun it is that both the names of these two whose people who carry the energies that scare me, start with I – so there are only I and I and I LOL –

there never was anybody outside this Big I/Self that we all share

 

 

 

 

 

Lava-anger

What I am describing here is the very essence of torture belonging to anyone who cannot share humongous pain – be it trauma of any kind, abuse,war,illness – the occasion where this goes on continuously and there is no-one who will listen or acknowledge what goes on.

In the case of abuse,the family will not under any circumstances acknowledge it, And as soon as your face shows that there is something going on with you, you are told that ” do you have to look so forlorn – you, who are SO well cared for.

So the circumstances are:

constant abuse of any kind – (could be both inside the family and outside, from others,  as in my case) – and you discover that any signs of “something wrong”  psychologically/mentally are simply not tolerated.  If you get a flu, you may get lots of sympathy – breaking an arm gets you “Oh your poor child” and ice-cream. But ANY signs of inner agony – that anything is “wrong with you” – STOP IT. NO expression at all.

The consequence is that you can never relax. You cannot rest anywhere. You cannot even let yourself know how lonely you are, how terrible all that inner pain is, since it is denied from your closest ones, and consequently by yourself too.

This is how grave splits and dissociation happen in the psyche, and we get cases of severe denial and  “multiple selves” – and this is what I describe in my book you see in the right menu – “When Fear Comes Home to Love.”

Dream this morning:

I was hiking with a group of people to a place where we were to stay and live for some days. The weather was rugged, and I saw that I had only my old (at least 40 years old) red rain jacket on.

When we arrived, I went from room to room to find a free bed (mattresses on the floor.) There were clothes on everyone –  all were taken.

The metaphor: I have no place to rest, to sleep.

Maybe you can  recognize that belief – that feeling deep inside?

I saw clearly HOW repressed my desperation was at that time – due to deep abuse and also sexual torture from several people outside the family. It lasted years. It became the normal. My dream showed me the depth of my repression – and anyone’s repression, in the cases where there simply are no healthy people who CAN notice and care for the children who are victims of this. This kind of total repression goes far back through the ancestral lines – and you who read this may be one of those people who were never HEARD and welcomed and listened to.

After this realization, the underlying lava-anger started to erupt. There were strong murderous feelings and images, I allowed them all, honoring that child  – now I received the images of her hacking people to death: “Of course you has these impulses! This was at least an expression of the anger you felt – and any of us may feel  – when any sign of suffering is simply not allow to SHOW. And I am so grateful you did NOT show them there and them – that would most certainly have been dangerous for you. I am so very sorry for what happened to you, and that led to all your beliefs about who you were ( despicable creature being all wrong, not worthy of being seen and listed to) and all the coping mechanisms that you made, that saved your sanity. But I am here now to hold you and support you and  allow you to express any feelings at all – you have a right to them.NOW you are not alone, I AM HERE with you – and that makes all the difference.”

“I hate GOD!” you wail – “I prayed that God stopped them doing what they were doing, and he did nothing! He is evil! He wants me to suffer! And that must mean that I am guilty!!” and the next thoughts, following from this – ” He is punishing me for something – ” and the next thoughts:  “this punishing may save me from Hell later.”

That last one has a deep impact, I feel. That way of thinking actually draws  opportunities for suffering to me.

My printer is now reflecting this to me: the color blue will not print. (BLUE is what I call inner spiritual guidance in this blog.) Also, the support-plate for the paper will not tilt/lean back – pointing to the fact that it is almost impossible for me to lean back and support myself and all I want to share – symbolized with the printed papers with my words on them.

I am one of those who has actively chosen to see anything that happens as metaphors. It has served me well, and the Universe plays with me here – as now, with the printer. Right now a wave of bliss and laughter wells up in me, and  Blue reminds me of all the occasions where I have discovered that God loves to play. I have included numerous of these short stories in my book – all humorous and peculiar and odd.

Here is a couple:

Blue is playing:

Lesson today in A Course in Miracles: “I am not a body. I am free.”

In the evening, I am looking at “Joan of Arcadia” on TV. Joan’s class is performing a play. Their finale-song goes: “We are not flesh and blood. We are love!”

 

Blue is playing:

“…someone has stolen my words

and my hopes

but my story is still here

under the layers of centuries.

I have a right to tell the story,

but who are the listeners?”

A great light and soft love surrounds me when I finished writing the above, and a Voice speaks:

Child, listen – I am your mother, Aurora – Queen of the Heart

And I know that She has listened to it all

*

My inner child is doubting that Aurora is real: “Please give me a sign, Blue – let me see this name within three days!”

Next day I read in the column for TV/radio: “Arcadian radio and The Arcadian Explorer’s editorial Staff continue their trip down Mississippi on the riverboat Queen Aurora.”

Liberation of the Root-chakra

For old readers, who has followed this blog for some years – you will remember the “morning-gloom-and-doom” that has stayed in place, whatever else I have done healingwise.

These glorious days I see it as my greatest liberator.

Let me repeat that with an exclamation mark!

These glorious days I see it as my greatest liberator!

The last two days it has come with a ferociousness that is remarkable – and luckily I remembered this advice I had received recently:

“Scary difficult memories/energies/sights: Now you have the choice NOT to launch into your habitual patterns of resistance, but to stay with the rawness and discomfort of the situation – and let it transform you. ALLOW IT to set you free!”

And as soon as i dropped the identification with the feelings – I am NOT this, I am the awareness of it – it dropped, and it was tolerable. I talked lovingly to the part that had held on to the pattern of resistance as a surviving/coping mechanism, and honored for her choice to do that – she kept us alive and reasonable sane – well, sane enough to go through educations, get a job, get married etc etc – all the stuff we call life.

As soon as I saw this as a gift, the energies started to move. The part of me went through several layers –  intense terror, then dense fields of confusion and thought-spin – then huge rage and anger, then deep grief, then loneliness –  then I allowed it to wash through me, but knew all of this belonged to her – that little one that had gone through all of that. I was in the observer-position – and the part was not fused with me any longer, and could feel it all. I felt it with her, but did not identify with the “me” in it -it was just energy, it had come for a reason – to be seen and acknowledged and held and honored, so “she” and I could finally experience the LOVE that surrounded all of that.

The little one asked the Light “why wasn’t you there when the awful thing happened!” and the Light gently and lovingly told her :

“We were there when it happened. You dissociated from the trauma, and your fear and horror prevented you from seeing our presence. Now you know that we were there – and in that way, you will feel safe being in touch with the repressed feelings later. We have witnessed it, and our love and space for you will melt the negative energy-fields still clinging to your aura – as you yourself find forgiveness within.”

The last paragraph is part of the book ” When Fear Come Home to Love” which I present in the right menu. I have “known” this for 30 years – but these days, it feels like a much more comprehensive healing – like i visit it through many layers. It feels blissful each and every time i get to this place – it is only the resistance, and my identification of this victim, that keeps the pain and energies going. WITNESSING the pain FROM the Self – the loving Observer – transforms and transmutes it.

And now to the fun stuff – the synchronicities after such a lovely process. I get out of bed, and are nudged to open one of the many creative journals I have in front of me in the bookshelf. I open it randomly, and find this image:

The freed Root wicenter

After taking a photo of this to share, I found my had going into another cupboard and taking out a miniature book. I opened it on this page:

 

 

Alarmclock-miracle

I woke with the incessant morning agony – mixture of suicidal thoughts and murderous ones. Quite a soup I tell you! Now,  I am aware that Spirit is trying to tell me something here – I know I am not a victim of this, just something my soul wants to convey. And it did – very sweetly and to the point this morning.

I sat up in bed and aligned with my Source of Light – acknowledging that my Father and I am One. At once, I saw that the repeated energy came from the archetypes Fuckeat and Child, described in “When Fear Comes Home to Love.” I have found these two to be polarities, where the one is dominant, the other is a shadow.

When that realization came, I recognized 1) this is what Jeshua calls ” a creation” – and 2) I want to find what is the neutral part in both of them – what is the first feeling expressed that was judged and repressed/denied.

Big relief just by realizing this.

The innocent first feeling of what later has grown into  the Fuckeat archetype in the human mind ( the fear-archetype which consists of murder-lust,domination,all kind of brutality and human perversions) – the first what came up for me was:

I hurt  – and since nobody is willing to care and comfort me, I need to see this hurt on another face = projection.

The first feeling of Child ( the victim archetype:) I need my caretakers to acknowledge my innocence  and vulnerability as beautiful.

I saw both of the archetypes before they were projected and judged – just natural thoughts and needs in the human mind, believing itself to be outside God’s love, having to prove itself valuable by its deeds – denying the eternal beauty and love that is God’s gift to Its child. I forgave the judgments I have projected on those two early separation thoughts  – I felt an opening,a release – and then I spoke out loud:

” And now I do embrace you.”

The my clockmaker by my bed gave two signals ….OOHH! New funny miracle! I meant to write  my alarm clock gave two signals and then stopped – but the word-correcting program wrote Clockmaker instead – which means my mind 🙂

Of course – the little machine did not do it, the smiling Self that I call BLUE did it through the electronic device. And the word-correcting program…is such a great symbol for Holy Spirit, who is the Loving Spirit who corrects my perceptions.

The sweet thing is – I thought I had turned that clock off – and when I looked at it, I had. Just two sweet pling-plings.

I guess that is what Child and Fuckeat are seen as from above – as figures in a movie, an illusion.

And please read me right: In no way do I mean to minimize the atrocities that the human is perpetrating to him/herself and each other –

but from above, Love looks down on us and see that the soul wants experiences – and in my case, I am now willing to see that the Soul wanted to be both victim and aggressor throughout its incarnations – because, how else can my mind learn that only what I embrace, I can heal?

What I embrace is in essence just energies – and when they are judged as not worthy to exist, they go underground and grow in darkness and bestiality.

I can see now the huge power in choosing Love – and inside, extending Love to anybody who acts out of confusion and fear and old patterns – and recognizing myself as one of us who deeply and truly wants to wake up, and therefore on a higher level  has chosen to be one of the creators  of these fear-archetypes – now I can fully dis-identify from both Fuckeat and Child –

I am the Loving Space and embrace of it

just like you

 

Flying Free

May you all have the most happy peaceful fulfilling year imaginable!

For a minute ago, there was a huge opening for my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love” – it is being presented in the #me too-community on Facebook. That is a closed group, but here is a link to a series of 10 FREE video/audio  webinars that may save your sanity and life, if you count yourselves as one of the me-too’s

http://www.metoointensive.com/nt-ls

I am posting my FB post here too 🙂

I have worked as a therapist and healer since 1988, and as soon as I started my practice I realized that all my clients showed very similar patterns – and they all mirrored patterns in me.I give Expressive Arts Therapy, and as soon as the patient sat down to draw or paint, or any other expression, the air was filled with Presence. All the images led to LOVE showing up – in details,word, and most of all, numinous synchronicities in our lives. Early into this process, out of the blue, a publisher phoned me and asked me “Shouldn’t you write a book?” And i should and did.

As soon as I had made my commitment, inner guidance turned up – in one of my agonized nights filled with dark and demonic visitations, I asked intensely for help and there S/he was – I called It BLUE.She explained the “mechanics” of the violator/victim-spectrum, and told me I was here to explore this with my patients – to find certain archetypes we all share, how to recognize them and how to relate to them to transform them.

What made it possible to write that book, was the constant weird and wonderful synchronicities that turned up. I have included them in the book – it sprinkles a highly needed flavor of humor and giggles into the work, helping us to dis-identify from the archetypes – be their loving observer

That took about 25 years.
I self published it – the publisher told me that his editors were not skilled to edit it – so I had to edit it with BLUE instead 🙂

Blue linked me to Jennifer last June, and I took the STT training – so when she advertised the free #MeTooHealingIntensive webinars I got big shivers. I realized this was a huge gift to me – but also a gift to the book – here was the true energetic opening for it.

I am beyond relieved and grateful for everything that brought me to this life and to link up with Jennifer and #MeTooHealingIntensive. I love you all!

Here is the link – you can read about it, read reviews and peak inside. It comes in Kindle too – much cheaper

Choices

I dreamed this morning that I was in a big hospital, and that I somehow had got a new face. I thought it was operated on, I imagined people were looking strangely at it ( I did not try to find a mirror.) But I remembered the feeling when I woke up – the desperation of not wanting to be seen, “discovered” etc …horrible feeling. Blue told me in his most loving voice to open my own book at the bedside. ( See Menu right column: When Fear Comes Home to Love)

Here it is:

 I am not a Tarantula / May 2015

Deep pain in the chest:

I don’t want to be seen! I hate you! Go away! I will kill you!

I am sitting with lesson 125 in the Course“In quiet I receive God’s Word today” – and I hear: “ These are the voices of the guardians you created around the little Leelah-identity. In her worst moments, out of deep guilt and shame that she told herself that she WAS, she cried out inside herself: “Hide me! I MUST NOT BE FOUND!” Guilt was speaking – and she was fusing with the guilt, identifying with it – and when she cried out from this fear-identity, fear-creatures/entities came and told her “we will protect you – if you will allow us to use you.”

Of course she took that offer of protection – and the entities used her as their source of food or energy.”

I know this is true with all of me. I speak:  “I am the source of this. I judge you not. I extend forgiveness to myself for what I have made.” I ask Archangel Michael and his army for help to guide these entities back to where they came from, and as I say this, I am shown that I have attracted these “false protectors” into all the body’s openings. By calling for them, they have come. Fear called for fear and darkness, and called from darkness – identifying with darkness/guilt/shame.

In this NOW, I am listening to God: “Now breathe into that heart-space. It is open now.” And then it happens: I see a black silky Tarantula leg hesitantly moving out – I feel terror – and realize in the same second that this has been the very symbol for fear for me – as for so many. “Beloved Leelah, you are not a spider,” I tell her – and gradually the heart space warms up, and I see her: scared and confused – but freed from the spell and fusing.

 

Be patient” says Blue. “There are many layers here. The nervous system will need some time to adjust, the old habits and beliefs will try to re-attach themselves – you have believed this to be YOU for almost 70 years. From now on, we ask you to intend to recognize the old patterns when they come – and for you to realize it is only an echo, and that you can let go of it.”

When I was 11 years old, I was taking ballet-classes – and I still remember some of the steps in an Italian Tarantula I danced – with a Tambourine, and a light blue short dress

Going out in the sun now”

***

 

So I lay in bed and  did the forgiveness exercise of my *creation object* on everything I felt in the body – and esp. candida responded with such gratitude and release – big relaxation and expansion in the tummy.  I also notice the advise of patience – and I started to truly SEE the myriads of entities of all kind I unknowingly had called to me to hide me.

I know in my bones that this is relevant for many of us – the realization of how much we have WANTED darkness to be there – (not realizing what we wanted) and then we have judged it and repressed it further. Oh the irony

Now I was open to truly SEE what I had created – and therefore, seen from this perspective, I saw the innocence within them all, the willingness of Being to form itself into all kind of scariness so that this terrified inner me would not be found. I could see them as “echoes” only – which helped me to not see them as “mine” anymore – and therefore, easily dismissed in gratefulness.

On this level, it was so exciting and easy to go back to the very place of power where I had  chosen darkness, and now choose again. It was such a power in that place, what an amazing discovery. I could rest there, there was no time there, just “ what do I want now?

And the knowing also that patience is needed – there are many layers.

But the choice has been done

 

 

 

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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