Metaphores

As some of my readers will know, I live from the  belief that my outer physical world and body mirror what goes on in my mind. So when I dream of a loose molar, I see it a cornerstone of the belief system ( teeth are symbols of beliefs in my world.) In this case, I had asked my mind to show me what the intense pain and tensions in the neck was about.

I talked to the neck – and it turned into a vile and vicious voice that called me a damned hussy who it would love to see tortured – since I did not follow its advises to live after the old belief system of fear any longer. Since I knew it has only one purpose – to keep me “safe” – I listened deeply and thanked it for its hard work – and I started to bless it. I allowed LOVE into my breathing, and gradually a soft melting happened in the neck. Now that I was focused on the pain as something IN me and nothing that I WAS , I could separate the pain as just energy, and breathe  love into it.This may be a process with many layers – but, miracles happen frequently in my life, so -😊

In my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love” ( see right menu) I have collected lots of  synchronicities that show me when I am aligned to Source. Like this one:

I was on my way to the Hospital for some tests, and told myself, “ I love myself just as I am right now.” The first person who served me had  a white Tee-shirt with this text on: “ I love myself just as I am.”





Photo by Luke Leung on Unsplash

Taking on Others’ Energy

Sounds familiar to you?

I have been a vacuum cleaner for others’ energy. A part of me – the one who thinks her value comes from “helping” others before herself ( described in detail in “When Fear Comes Home to Love“) just identifies with something in the “the other” and the shift takes place. Yesterday I did this shift with the nurse who gave me the second vaccine – I asked her how her experience had been. This nurse had set my first vaccine a month ago, and I did not even feel a prick – so she had to be AWESOME ac. to my small self. Now I was projecting a mother on her, without being aware of it – she “took care of me” last time.

She described it her vaccine-effects in detail: sickness. Fever Pains. the whole list. And without even knowing it, I took it on, as something thar was “important” for me – and the night was pure hell – with the exact symptoms that she so distinctly had described.

I had bonded with her through sharing her symptoms – and what I told my subconsciousness I now experienced, to the minute detail.

Slowly it dawned on me that it was THIS that had happened – through my unconscious wish for a mother. The second I realized it and forgave it, all the hellish sensations seeped out – gone in a minute. Now there is just a faint soreness in left arm.

Then I asked myself, what is the most important decision I need to make – which choice needs to be recognized and corrected?

I was taken back to Ummu’s story in my book “Healing Stories.” *

Ummu was a prince in Dogon, Mali, thousands of years ago, whose land and treasures were stolen by tribal enemies.They also massacred Ummu’s family. I believe that I was Ummu in that incarnation – and that he was so shocked and enraged at God for allowing this to happen that he vowed to spite all that was good.

I have discovered that Ummu’s spirit is still in my mind – he truly CHOSE that time to turn against Love – and this morning I owned that choice of my ancestor, forgave myself and chose again.

My frequency ascended into unspeakable joy as I chose again – I chose to know Who I am and live from That.

The eating problems vanished – the very state of being where they originated – this insatiable hunger- disappeared.

I do not know if it will last – but now I know where that hunger to be comforted comes from, ancestrally.

And I am here to extend Love into it

*still not published

PS Google Dogon Mali to see photos

Blue

Here is BLUE – the sacred animal in the cover of my book When Fear Comes Home to Love.

Just today – more that 30 years since I wrote it – do I realize why the Holy came to me as an animal. I smile and smile as I realize that the animal carries no baggage – while Jesus and God carry more baggage than Chicago Airport.

The image also shows how the Holy is always present in every situation – even the very darkest ones

This is BLUE – the symbol of embodied LOVE

Here is a short snippet

“Allow me to present the Blue to you – The Presence of Love within the Myth. When I started to write this book, my idea was to explore the figures within the Image and the Myth, and find their stories and healing potential. But three years into the manuscript Blue made Her[1]* entrance.

It was during one of my agonized sleepless nights. I started to pray, and found myself talking into my little dream-recorder which stays in bed with me. I decided to pretend that I was God and knew the answers to my agony. I asked, and “God” answered. It comforted me.

This repeated itself for almost a week. Then the ego butted in and persuaded me to stop these conversations. It wanted me to take the credit for the book, not the Divine.

That stopped the process very effectively.

But then I sat down and wrote down the conversations – and saw the wisdom, humor and Light within The Answering Voice. The moment I knew, with a wave of gratefulness, that these dialogues were going to be an important part of the book, I also knew that The Voice belonged to the sacred-looking blue animal in The Image, under the root. In that revelatory moment, the structure and intent changed: before, I was trying to write a book to be accepted by the academic world, to “prove” my worth to them – a futile and impossible scheme of the ego – now it became clear to me that Blue had planned it all! So this book is written to remind us all of that Guiding Principle within, Who faithfully leads us toward our awakening.

Conversations with Blue are meandering throughout this book, and the text is also spiced with short examples of Divine play, through the form of synchronistic events and magic “coincidents.” With deep compassion and humor, She shows us how She leads us and plays with us, and how darkness can be seen as layers in an onion, opening to the radiant Light at the center.

The following dialogue is one of the very first:, from 1997. Blue’s voice is in italics:

Talking with Blue / 1997

I am here to remind you that you are a child of God – and that ALL your journeys, stories, poems and images point toward Me. I am your sunny garden, your golden haven, your sacred heart – your one and only Mother and Father. Come home to Me now – I AM LOVE. I am here to urge you to RECEIVE YOURSELF.

Who are you, Blue?

I am you. There is no separation.

Can I call you God? Can I call you Christ?

You can touch whatever consciousness you want with your heart and intention. If you address Christ, His answer will be filtered through your consciousness and through your mind. And you will give My voice the voice you have been conditioned to use.

If you address Christ, it is from the Christ-source the answer will be given. How you hear it and receive it, is up to you, and will be refined through experience – much like an artist grows into her true form. –When you – and all humans – are communicating like this, you are doing yourself a huge favor: you are taking away control from the ego, and stepping outside its prison doors, into fresh air. I repeat, I AM YOU – there is no separation, except in your mind.

Dearest Blue – why have you taken the form of an animal in my image?

To show you my playfulness… I am Divine playfulness, cohabiting with the demons under the root – so you shall not take it so very seriously, my dear.

BUT IT IS SERIOUS!!!! IT IS HORROR!!! WHAT ARE YOU SAYING!!!!!

What is horrifying is to be trapped in the illusion that this Child is all you are. You need to have tremendous compassion for the Child – and at the same time recognize that you are also one with Me. The role of Child, this unhealed soul-fragment – “the one who suffers in hell” – is meant to be healed through the “Greater You.”

There is a GREATER REALITY (10) where you experience all as One. –You and I planned this drama – don’t get stuck in it! You are not the roles, you are not even the drama – but you are responsible for making the drama conscious, so you can step out of it. Yes – don’t get stuck in it, my love, PLAY WITH IT. As every actor knows, it is necessary to step out of the role. Child and Fuckeat are not YOU – it is something you explore to discover the dark places within you that you still haven’t loved and healed.

You cannot really choose love and light without knowing what darkness, denial and hatred is. When Adam and Eve were in Paradise, they did not know that it was good – before they seemed to fall from Grace.

So when you and your fellow-travelers experience and explore your root-hell, you will then have the necessary experience of torment-awareness to choose the opposite. But this choice becomes available only after having fully experienced and accepted your own tortured feelings.

Realizing the hellish drama as your own creation, [2]* will give you the impetus to choose love.

And please have fun doing it!

The essence in The Lesson of The Root is recognizing your error in identity – and then to choose again!

*

 

[1]*In the text, I may use ‘Her’ for Blue, our sacred Self, or Holy Spirit in Course-language. Blue is of course non-denominational – but in my experience, She has the quality of Divine Mother.

 

[2]* The Leelah-figure, according to the Course, creates absolutely nothing – the part of the mind that creates is outside time and space and has nothing to do with this body/personality we believe ourselves to be.

(10) At the time I was receiving this loving Voice, I was also deeply into Emmanuel’s Books: ‘Greater Reality’ is his term for Heaven.

 

 

The Cosmic Dance

Yesterday: completely sleepless night – and the whole day was pure hell – prop full with feelings of meaninglessness, non-worth,death wishes. I ate a lot of ice cream

Somehow deeply I knew this was something coming up to be released. So- after ca 20 hellish hours , at about 10 pm, I could sense the whole “cloud” of it seeping away – just as the daylight also abated in Norway. I slept and I dreamed and the dream was wonderful.


I asked my self this morning – “what was the one act I could have done yesterday, that would have helped me?
And I saw myself embracing myself, saying ” You are not alone. I am here with you all the time, I am not going anywhere.”

Then, Facebook presented me with this painting I posted one year ago – the Dancer. She sits on a shaman drum I made 30 years ago – this is the innermost life eternally dancing us all, whether we are aware of it or not. And grim as it seems, the whole 20 hours were part of that dance.

The Cosmic Dancer

This tremendous force of Life and Joy and Is-ness represents the transformation of the ten archetypes I describe in my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love” – you can find it in the right menu. The archetypes exist in every person on the planet who in any way has been subjected to abuse – children and adults – mental,emotional,physical and sexual abuse in any form. The book shows ways to be free, in case stories, poems, paintings and autobiography. If you click on the image in the right menu, you will be taken to a page where you can read reviews.

I am One with God

Since last post, I have felt fatigue in such amount that I thought I was dying. As a metaphor,my bike’s back-wheel punctured – and I need my bike to hold groceries for me, so this brought up great fear.

I decided to buy stuff to fix the wheel and that I would get help with that, if needed.

The fatigue was still tremendous – and in addition, I found that my stomach was not willing to “ digest” anything – I simply could not eat, I was “full to the brim” with stuff not digested. Constant cramps in the legs for holding on to the energy and not allowing it to be grounded. Please help! What are these energies related to?

Immediately my awareness was, as so many times before, brought back to, as a small child, being abused by my father in a “Mr.Hyde”-state of mind – which I successfully dissociated. I remember making a decision to keep this horrible energy he was emanating, INSIDE me – it seemed in some way to be more controllable. And then I taught myself to dissociate too – and I was fabulous at it, so fabulous that only at 38 years old was I able to gradually know what happened to me and allow memories to come up.

I am 76 years old now – deeply committed to bring healing to all of it – and to dissolve any judgment I still have of the demonic stuff and myself. The cramps have allowed me to see that they come from resistance to the old abuser/Nazi-energy of my father in a dissociate state of mind.

As “Dr.Jekyll” he was the best father possible. There was a complete wall/ split between the two states of mind. ***

 

Now, to this glorious night:

I had a long dream where I travel desolated winter roads on foot. In a desolated wasted house, there are cut-off heads lying around, I try my best to not look upon them – but I HAVE TO – I must allow this fear to be felt in my solar plexus –so I allow it  – I LOOK.

Then the Police arrives 😊 they take care of it and remove the heads. When I wake up, there is still an echo of the agony in solar plexus.

Then I am in my last apartment – and I have signed up to be the protector and carer for a baby that I am not the mother to – she has gone somewhere. It has been given me to take care of. I am holding it –  it is in fact only a HEAD that I am holding – simultaneously an adult man’s head, and the head of a one-year old baby. I look at it with tremendous tenderness. At first, the man has the eyes closed – then opens them – and there is no life or soul in them – just distance. Then he sees me and awakens – and the radiance of his smile is dazzling. It is the smile of Christ.

Then as baby, he awakens too and sees me – an indescribable joy arises in us both. All is radiance.

I realize as awake that the tremendous cramps I have had for years come from demonizing that energy – for defending against it with all my might. And little Leelah had to do that of course – but the adult me has chosen to see it with Love and let go of it. Just energy now – unjudged, unburdened –

I invite the Legions of Light to tend to it in what way is most loving. I hear “ You just had to be willing to SEE and FEEL it through in all its gory details – and this time forgive the judgments about it, darling.”

Writing this, the Firefox-image started to flash and Microsoft demanded my “superpassword.” I wrote it in – (and become aware – what is my TRUE password that unlocks the blocks to anything?)

My superpassword is “I am One with God.”

And please substitute “God” with Holy, Christ, Universe, Buddha nature, whatever is YOUR word for It.

 

***I have described this clearly in  my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love.” And also all the ways I and my patients through 25 years worked with these issues, playfully and with deep compassion. Those maps for healing are in the book.

 

 

The Asshat

is a name for the all-knowing commentary and suggester in my mind. The besservisser, the asshat ” that lies through its teeth”, as writer Pam Grout says it in “The Course in Miracles Experiment.”

I admit I habitually allow it to drone on – I actually take what it says seriously – I actually FEEL stupid when it tells me I am.

So what I need is just remind myself not to take it seriously.

As soon as I can laugh at it, the identification drops.

In When Fear Comes Home to Love, there are case-stories of how we have played with transforming it – through drawing and clay and stories. As soon as we start to laugh at it, its serious costume falls off.

I wonder how your’ smart-ass commentator looks like. Today I drew it like this:

And thing is -as soon as I see the origin of all those voices as silly and meaningless  – then anything it says is only laughable. It is back on its treadmill, spinning nonsense says Pam Grout.

It so much easier to just dismiss the deliverer of the voice, than listen to all the sentences and decide for each sentence what I am going to believe.

 

 

Angry – and

Enough already!



I have not been able to to paint/draw for about 2 years now. All that comes is ANNGRRY pieces like this. And so I stopped resisting and gave it space – which felt glorious.

The today, when I watched it, I grabbed a pen and started writing. This is word for word that came:

A day in May

has much to say
about my way
to form and slay
 the SHALS and MUSTS
and eat and scream
and dive in stream
and dip and swim
and laugh and beam
and come alive
is bestest way
with giggles and
a form of pray
that whispers lightly:
It's just a dream.
Now come alive 
and have ice cream

I notice the turnaround into “dive in stream”, and enjoyed the change in energy in that shift.

I had just ended a session with a friend and  suggested creative means for her to deal with huge rage. So I thought I would do that too.

These poems – silly as they are, are so healing for me. They just come. Such blessings. I think one of the Divine’s attribute is playfulness and silliness. I also experience that any form of play is transformative – I will set the intension to allow what comes through me / patients  with curiosity and wonder – always trusting that what we have started, not knowing where it will go, WILL go into wonder and transformation, when we let it.

If you are interesting in case-stories from my 30 year practice as therapist, you might read some reviews of When Fear Comes Home to Love

Helplessness and the Fixer

In the Corona journey we all are taking there are these days a collective bone-tiredness, a profoundly deep “ I can’t take this one more second.” The ones of us who are in an awakening process will notice this more acutely. I had one such day yesterday.

There is an old collective pattern: “I have to DO something about this. I, ME, the separate I, has to DO something or find out something -it must be something I have done wrong. There is a deep feeling of impotence and helplessness: I MUST do something – and nothing helps or works.

This is the very archetype of helplessness. In Non Duality (A Course in Miracles) I am helped to discover that this small I does not exist as a separate being – it is part of the collective mind that is convinced it has succeeded in separating itself from God /Source /Universe/Love.

The Corona virus has made these old fear patterns visible for us all. “I can’t breathe fully and freely” is one such pattern – and most of humanity has not been raised to breathe fully and freely, since that would allow us to be in touch with painful overwhelming emotions.

Personally, I have been caught in the belief that “this is something I must cope with – tackle – fix.” Then I try more and more and more to fix it – and that strengthens the feelings of powerlessness. I now give power to the belief that I, small mind,Leelah, has to do this.

I noticed that anything I did within this pattern, strengthened it. As long as I saw myself as a separate struggler and victim, I tangled myself deeper into the very archetype of helplessness.

I noticed that for me, the solution was: OH there I go again. ( smile.) I choose to drop these thoughts and rest in Love.

Now helpless-thoughts are not mine anymore – they just are humanity’s  thoughts – and Love flows into my mind. I notice I am willing to receive help from Love – and I am available for Love-thoughts.

It is good to make space for these energy frequencies. I can just sit with this as a meditation – making myself available – but even better for me is taking a hike in the wood.

 

Holy place in the wood
Sacred peace
Home

Rosebush

Some years ago I gave an online course in storytelling as a way to transform our inner dragons. I called it Rosebush. I took the role of Grandma Pumpkin and invited them into my garden to play and explore. Here is the garden:

Just up the stairs – the gate is open – welcome

I am a firm believer in The Story’s ability to heal – and that it comes through us to be told and shared. In my 33 year long practice as Expressive arts therapist and healer, this will fail only when some part inside us is shitty scared of the freedom that is available – and that the story will not come from truth, but from that dark place in us that wants to destroy the truth. This belief IS a dragon in itself.

Let me first share this Rilke-quote that I used as an opener in the group

 

Here is the simple structure I used to find a way to transform our main dragon:

Creature
1) Imagine your fear/dragon/ illness/ problem (X) as a creature ( It may also be just a
challenging “energy-pattern.”)
If this X had a form – how would it look? Size? In what landscape is its habitat? Does it have clothes
or fur or shells-? Colors? How does this “dragon” smell? What kind of smells are its favorite?
Favorite food? Habits? (nasty and/or nice.) Be wild – listen to it: – “Foods:black coal and grubs with
timian.” Does it have children? How do they look? How does it raise its babies? What is its PET when
it is young? What are the NO-NO’S in its family? Feel free to pick all or just 2-3 .
Be outrageous, silly, over the top, incorrect. This is just playing.

What music or sounds does it enjoy – if any?
Favorite weather?
How is its mating ritual to attract a partner?
What is the main thing it never has shared?
If I had only one sentence it said…what would it be?
What is its greatest fear? Maybe it is a Who, not a What

Now the story begins
1)Once upon a time, in a (describe x’s surroundings) there lived a creature… (start to list the
descriptions, allowing us to get to know it/her/him.)

2) Now, you see – a wicked witch (name!) has put a spell on this landscape and/or the hero/the
creature. Now the creature is her slave – what has the hero/ine have to do for the witch? ( go in detail,
be to the point – like scrub her toenails, polish her buttons, fetch worms for supper.

3)Then one day – something wonderful happens! A wondrous Being appears ( how does it look?)
and says she has three magical objects that the Creature can have to free itself from the spell. After
having used all three, the landscape changes into something wonderful – describe. What are the three
objects?Make it really simple – this is not about writing great literature, just describing short and in
detail how these objects and “persons” are your short text.

NB: There are no RIGHT answers – what came to you may sound nuts, but please note them
down!Now, put the descriptions of the Creature and the trouble and the Magical Intervention from the
Being, into a story.VERY short please – less than one Word page is OK(unless the story insists of
having more space.)
Tip: if you feel stuck, pretend that someone else is writing it. F.ex yourself as 9 year old. The
language may belong to a very young child – or maybe a wise wizard is telling the story. Remember,
we are not looking for essays. We do not mind that the language may be clumsy. Just get it out there.

*******

This night,  when the mind was repeating its favorite doubts “ you are not doing it right” I was reminded of the wonderful synchronicities when I presented my own story in our group.

Here is the beginning:

Once upon a time there lived a Gruffly in a black valley. The sky was black, black ragged mountains cradled it like a cauldron, black angry sharp shards on the ground, and dozens of black rivers. They were slow, viscous, sticky and thick like tar, and they smelled like burned rubber and boiling asphalt.

There was no sun in The Tar Valley – only Grufflies and little smooth round black “pet-stones” in the rivers, but the stones were few and rare, and the Grufflies had to remove their boxing gloves to pick them. When they did, and found a cherished stone, it took them ages to get the tar away – in fact, the best way to get the tar off was to lick the hands. And we all know how dreadful tar tastes, don’t we.

Here is my first sketch of my Gruffly – and the Wicked Witch: ( for some reasons, the black/white scetch will not be posted HERE but below.)

And here are the two first synchronicities.

A couple of days after writing this, I was biking down to the mall, and a little boy, I think max 2 years old, and his parents walked toward us. The boy was running toward me, he was stretchering out his palm, there were something black in it: a small stone.

A black pet stone.

He cried out: Look! look! and his face was beaming at me.

And this was not all: my guides know I need many reminders – a couple of days after, I was biking down to another store – and there he was again, running towards me, again wanting me to LOOK – LOOK – and this time, his hand held many of them.

****

In my book ” When Fear Comes Home to Love, “you will find many of these stories and synchronicities. What I love about them is the strong impact they have on patients who never has believed in Something Greater’s love and care for us – and now, for the first time, do not doubt this eternal companionship.

Main character – the Gruffly with his protections suit and his beloved Pet Stone

WATER

12 March the mouth dryness was back with a vengeance. I dove into the familiar“this is hopeless” landscape, but corrected it. Opened my Mystical Shaman Oracle – and the card was WATER.

It talked about the importance of stamina and determination of hanging in there. It said the journey would be messy, but it would be worth it. So I committed myself at last to truly allow myself to be where I seem to be – and even put some gratefulness into it: this is what will set me free for good.

The night was different – less mouth dryness – and in the morning I had a long dream about Egypt and the grand Kheops pyramid.*** I have been inside it in this life and in many dreams, it always feels indescribably wonderful and FREE. I cherish the energy of being inside it – the familiarity, the smell, the color of the stones – light orange brown. This dreamtime there were lots of tourists – and at the entrance, there was now a shop. All hand-crafted things – knitted and crocheted light caps caught my eye, they were light blue and so delicate.

I woke up from this dream many times – and in between talked with a guide who told me that what I am required to look at has to do with lives in Egypt where power was misused and for which I still unconsciously still carry deep guilt. How vital it is in this life to forgive ourselves anything that is not loving – it happened, it is over, my soul got its experience. I remember that nothing REAL happened – nothing that can harm our essential essence / Self. It happened within a dream of separation, and Reality is not touched. And when I endeavor to SEE the essence of my victims – there is no doubt that there IS only ONE pure and loving essence, and we are all IT.

It is always myself I forgive – for allowing any energy of illusion to temporarily rent a space in my mind.

The quality of connection between me and the masters feel crystal clear and loving.

***I placed my favorite Pyramid – the Sakkara – in my novel “Hilaryon Stories.” I discovered, when I visited Her in Egypt for the first time in this life, that she was truly alive with feminine spirit. In my book, she plays a main role – and Johann Sebastian Bach who turns up there, even has a Grand Organ in the apex chamber. ( Since that chamber is small, I solved it by shrinking by magic anyone and anything that I put into it. )

I don’t dare to post images of the Pyramids – there are rights to be considered 😦 But I will indulge in posting a review of Hilaryon Stories by Mona Gustafson Affinito:

Reviewed in the United States on November 24, 2020

When I have recommended Jungian books to clients and students, I have always suggested reading them as if one is a rock in a river. Don’t try the American way of grasping for reality and details. Just let it pass over you and be enriched by the parts that stick. Leelah Saachi has applied her manifold artistic, theatrical, and therapeutic skills to an in-depth trip into the possibilities of joy. Turning warts into loveliness, ugliness into beauty, symbols into meaning, stench into sweetness, fear into courage, all with a childlike sense of play and enhanced by reference to beautiful music — JB’s. Unfortunately my attempts to access the links to the relevant works didn’t work. My kindle went into panic mode trying to figure out where to go once Wi-Fi had been accessed, but the concept is delightful. The less than five star rating reflects the observation that this is not a book for everyone. Sometimes it reminded me of reading T.S. Eliot, greatly enhanced by recognizing her implied references.

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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