The suffering self leaves the driving seat


The eye was very painful the whole night until ca 5am. There were coagulated  morsels and strings of something that looked like resin around the eye.
“Infection”  said intuition.

I asked myself what I wanted with this creation.*** There were many layers: there were definitely perks with going through pain and being a good girl, i decided that it certainly  justified wine etc. afterwards.

And this identity is, as most of my readers here will have noticed, A HUGE part of  my identity – what I call ME.

I looked at the wine bottle on the kitchen sink and realized that choosing wine and “comfort” I had completely identified with that wrong-minded identity. “My” justification was ” But I DESERVE it.”

Which I is that? The separated one. The suffering one. The small self. And I was radiantly aware of myself as a role – beliefs I have taken on through parents, teachers, ancestors, society – in short, the world.

I had taken her on, like an old costume -I had NOT acknowledged the Self in me who had experienced the great realizations under the knife. By choosing to tell myself “I DESERVE this now” I had failed to see  that this suffering-me believes that suffering MAY at least justify being comforted. That is her perk

Which is really a cost!

And of course, that victim -identity can have infections.
I know that my true I cannot.

As long as I mainly identify with this girl, I will never wake up.

I realize that I chose that suffering identity last evening who took her comfort from wine and food. And that is why the eye hurt so much and looked so infected.

It was my thinking that was infected. The thoughts themselves are neutral – but the moment I attach an I am to the thoughts, I have declared it to be my identity.

I reached out to my Way of Knowing-group on Facebook and asked for prayers –  for affirmation of my true Self, my true I/eye.

Within 1/2  hour my eye healed. ♥ Pains gone. Slightly red, but no more gunk oozing out. What an enormously important lesson I gave myself: you HAVE inner parts/patterns – meaning, they are in your soul as memories – but I AM the One Who chooses what I will identify with. To be aware of the little one and comforting her is so very different from believing I AM her.

 

*** In “the Way of Knowing” by Jeshua, channeled by Jayem, Jeshua teaches us that as sovereign souls we create our response to everything that happens to us. When we make choices out from the separated self, we choose out of fear and anger and confusion, and we may choose to “suffer to atone for sins.” Choosing from Self is always choosing to see with Christ’s vision – looking for the eternal Love within the perpetrator.

 

 

 

comfort

 

 

 

It just wasn’t there anymore

For the very first time – when the usual morning-agony came – ( I am talking more than 30 years here – deep depression and suicidal thoughts) – there was no resistance and no judgment. Just quiet. Guess what happened to the agony

God happened

Self happened

No control happened

Now the ego is very quiet, it stands to my left and looks up and wonders “how did i manage that? I must remember it so I can replicate it.”

Truth is, it wasn’t THERE. And truth is, I feel soft towards it too – whatever it is

A Grateful Day

I got this this morning, and want to share…the images makes me feel so warm and welcomed in the world – i wish this for you all too –

I will later today post an invitation to a healing 7-week seminar – about how we can relate to illness and stuck problems in a playful and creative way that may transform them. Our common presence in a Closed Facebook group will also be of great importance.

But first –  Brother David 🙂

Guidance shared

New guidance today –

I was visiting the drugstore to pick u a new medicine for osteoporosis that a doctor has called in. They found nothing in the drugstore. Inside I got warm and light and peaceful – I chose to see it as a sign to trust my intuition and do the exercises and visualizations I WANT to do, as a joyful practice – and never more take a medicine out of fear.

With a light heart I walked on to a cinema close by – and met an old friend. She drove me home after the movie, and I could share the inner guidance with her – and you have no idea how wonderfully freeing and joyful that felt.

Just in one short week I am so much trusting of the inner guidance. Now it feels naturally and easy to do the exercises because I get a nudge to do them – no more “I MUST do this in order to heal myself.”

So now i do them with ease and gratitude – and no obligation.

Good bye to ghost stories

Thursday 2-3-17

Today I got my mother back.

It was a memory of music that did it – and most probably a session with Tapas Fleming, the creator of TAT: I was helped to let go of my old attachment to ghosts, as their helper and friend.

My mother has gone since 32 years. Her family and ancestors were also  close to that field of existence. She died from ALS, a really nasty disease. It’s a progressive neurological disease that causes dysfunction of the nerves that control muscle movement. Over time, this leads to muscle weakness, gradually affecting how the body functions, and then you die.

I grew up close to a graveyard – beautiful, peaceful, I saw it as MY garden and played there, mostly alone, except for the ghosts, that I perceived as my friends and wrote storied about. In the session with Tapas, my connection to “having to” be someone who could assist them to go home, was healed – and later I realized, that since the intention of TAT is to include all our ancestors, it certainly included my mother’s lineage. I am convinced that this procedure was essential for what happened the day after, when I had a sharing session with my friend Kit.

In this session, while I was speaking I SAW that both my parents had shown me the light, metaphorically – the place inside that is eternal, all loving, never-changing, radiantly truthful, brimming with life and presence. I shared it with my father in 3 areas:

Listening to music, only the two of us – mostly Mozart. We were joined at that Paradise place, and there were no words there, but perfect oneness. If my mother entered the room, that Paradise was always interrupted: my father went into preaching mode.

He could not share that with  both of us.

And – my mother could never share HER love of music with him, precisely because of this preaching tendency of his – but it happened when I came home from school that I overheard her playing the piano: Musette by Sibelius was her favorite. And mine. (NB: this guy plays it twice as fast as I loved to hear it – but still was the best I found on YouTube.)

And I sneaked up the stairs, and she heard me and stopped immediately, and I begged on my knees that she could play it once more – and some rare times, she consented – and we joined the Place of Light.

As I realized that both parents had shown me this Place, a torrent of tears broke and I sobbed with all my heart. Suddenly I SAW my mother as Spirit – healed and whole and innocent – and all the images of her as ice-cold and hard and rejecting fell away like old snow in April sun. I SAW her in front of me, as soul – on “the other side,” but in complete communication with me -just the same connection I shared when I joined with my mother’s ecstasy in music.

The torrent breaks through almost 70 years of denial – I have insisted of holding on to the image I held of her, the stories about her – and now it simply melted in front of this shared love, our union. The longing for her, the longing to join in LOVE broke through – I sob “my mamma, I long so much to join with you in THIS, and not all those stories from childhood!

There is no blame or anger at all in this longing – and for the first time, I see her Self, no projections now – just pure and whole.

I see her sitting in front of me, but still on the other side – she sits in profile, her head bowed, she is listening intensely with every cell to what I am telling her. At first she sits in shadow, but it lightens every second, and now I see her clearly. An inner earthquake shakes her violently, and still she is fully present within it, allowing these shakings to shake lose everything inside her role as woman and mother.MY mother in this particularly difficult lifetime, where she played the role of a mother who rejects her 4 year old daughter returning home after being group raped.  I sense her gratitude for this release, her joy that all that is false is shaken loose. No sense of guilt and sin, just shedding centuries of false beliefs and victim patterns lodged in cells and DNA.” I shake for both of us” she says, I know that is true. Now the shaking is concentrated in Root and Hara. She burps and belches, does not throw up, but throws her arms in the air and swears and smiles – no devil taking her to hell because she swears – we look right at each other and delight in this freedom.

My father, who played the role of a Dr.Jekyll and Mr. Hyde – person, and who showed contempt of the “concept” of a God, now was seen as playing a role – and I was shown places where he had demonstrated Source consciousness.

In addition to the heavenly music-joining, let me share the chanterelle-paradise

All the times he took me deep into woods, long hikes away from the trail, being guided by his phenomenal knowing where the chanterelle-places were. I remember the energy of him sitting silently down and brushing his hand over moss, like a wizard – creating a large patch of shining yellow chanterelles – and then intensely enjoying my delight at this treasure.

Recapitulating these times today made me see that he had guided me to the Light Itself – and that he therefore HAD the light available to him. The atmosphere in these places brim with light and love for me – and deep joining.

Also when we rowed out to the   open sea and fished – when the vast cloudless skies reflected in the mirror as dead calm sea, and  same oneness embraced us in timeless silent space.

When I understood that they HAD shown me Home, both of them – I knew without a morsel of doubt that we all had played in a drama we had chosen to explore as souls – and our roles were perfect. Now I could SEE the Truth of them both, and the joy of recognition was indescribable.

The day after, my daughter the musician visited and played the Musette for me. And my mother was present, glowing with joy.

All traces of ‘ghost’ about her – vanished

*

8/3 More release

Today  with  Heather ,I found that my Mount of Venus really was the shield of a big mother Turtle –  and that her shield stopped the insanity in my father’s energy during the sex to come into the womb. And so, my daughter did not have to swim in that womb energy for 9 months.  And has not been subjected to this energy, as i was.

Seeing that – and honoring that defense-mechanism (= turtle shield-) started an avalanche of releases. I saw how all my defense-places in this body had created their patterns out of the need to keep all parts of me safe – and now, the time has come to be brave enough and ready – to release them all.

At the end of the session I was sitting with a profound cold in the lower body – and heard Blue – my voice for Christ – remind me: “It’s not about becoming warm – to have “succeeded” in this – it is about just noticing exactly where you are RIGHT NOW, and honoring this – trusting the process.”

 

More door-bell signals

I was working with my tax form, and sensed a panic arising. The door-bell sounded. AHA! Door-bell = ALARM…there is an alarm-energy in me when it comes to being “accountable” and PERFECT and trustworthy for the authorities, or else I will be put in jail ( believes little Leelah.)  Make no mistakes, in other words!

When the bell sounds, I immediately sense the alarm AS energy. I am fully present for it, and it is sheer heaven!

I enjoy it fully, and then go back to my account. – Within 5 seconds, the bell sounds again!

Showing me how strong that “going into alarm-habit” is.

This time I put the papers away and just SIT with it.

Went for a long walk, and the release was there all the time

 

 

DOG

The last 3 years or more, whenever I have met a dog, there is a furious barking at me. My neighbor’s two dogs go crazy when they see me. It is not fun at all. I get that there is a furious “dog-energy” inside me that I still haven’t made peace with.

Two days ago, a dog barked wildly on my lawn under my bedroom, 2 am – running frantic to and fro.I went out and yelled at it to go home, a huge rage was in me, and it felt like it was actually acting that out FOR me, making me aware of the energy within me that i until then had judged.

Same morning, my neighbor came out to walk her two dogs the very second I was opening my door.The dogs were in a leach, and  barked and charged  at me like crazy.

This  anger-mirroring became even more clear when yesterday, a visiting dog next to my neighbor ran out of their door and stood peeping at me through my fence. It was orange and its look was fierce. Then it too started its wild barking and came charging at me. I pretended I was trained by Cesar Millan and radiated calm assertive energy ( or intended to!) It charged in a bow around me and ran to my door – and then stood on its hind legs, barked wildly and begged to be let in.

Then its owner came running. She did not look at me at all! But she yelled at the dog: this is not your house! you do not live here! and reluctantly, the dog turned around and followed her. Not once did she look at me – like I was invisible.

Later I had two friends visiting for Christmas. Late evening we started to talk about anger, I shared the dog-incidents and that I thought they were mirroring old anger in me. Something deep in me relaxed – having been shared and not kept inside a cloak of shame.

I could not sleep. The body felt like filled with angry ants, eaten alive from inside – and I started to realize that this happened FOR me, not TO me. I wanted to do Spontaneous Transformation on the aspect that carried this tremendous inner irritation. For almost 2 hours I focused on the chest, where I found the aspect, and told it “I see you, I am here for you, I am not leaving.” I drifted in and out of spacing out, but suddenly, the connection was made – the aspect KNEW it was witnessed, not alone, not denied, not judged anymore. The next hour, the  intense itching/rash abated,and I got some hours sleep.

This morning I went up early to hike high in the mountain to see the sunrise – and to pray as Jeshua teaches us in Way of Mastery, as the closing ceremony of this year’s training. As I crossed the road to take the path up the mountain, I passed close to four sled-dogs living in a little shed of their own outside  a farm. And a concert started: no barking this time – just a wild howling for four voices. I was aware that my energy was changed – and I got he idea that this was a singing to my honor: I had truly owned that wild attack energy in the night, no more resistance to it, no fear or judgments – it felt like I was one of them.. a wolf-pup being accepted into the tribe.

I taped it on my little recorder. Tears were running, great release.

The howling continued until I had passed their house.

Then I climbed the hill, watched the sunrise, prayed and received the Light, It felt wonderful beyond description, and I was filled with joy and gratefulness.

At the path down again, I heard a click to my right, and it was my cellphone that had taken a photo. This one:

dsc_0865

This green heart…I looked into the ditch by the trail at right, it was a heart shaped stone covered with moss. I took a deliberate photo of it:

dsc_0866

I felt blessed. I met people with dogs coming toward me on the trail, the dogs did not notice me at all, and we humans  wished each other  a Joyous Christmas. There were lots of smiles.

Close to my house, my closest neighbor was out walking her 2 dogs. For the first time in years, no reactions at me at all – but a big smile and hug from her.

I am blessed

 

 

Late Summer

Late Summer

Waiting for the bus,gazing softly at the row
of small trees at the other side of the street
birch,aspen,maple
the wind plays with them, I notice
how different they dance, in rhythm and manners
In another world I might hear it as music
here I am satisfied with the color-show:
the lime and ocher, the flashy burgundy and crimson
the dark brown ones with black spots
like old old hands
I look at the dancing leaves
leaving summer

suddenly, there’s the sun
shining right through the leaves –
the yellow ones now
gold gold gold

I stop breathing
I want to be found
and shone through like that
before winter comes

Heart and Mind

Heart and Mind

What I notice, is that I have given mind the job that truly belongs to the heart. Oh the pushing I have done to UNDERSTAND… I have tried to understand insanity, f.ex – parents/people behaving in weird ways, driven by their insane thoughts and traumas – I have tried to understand, to comprehend, the connection between the ways they behave, with how I perceive the little me. Cause it must surely have something to do with me, she says – this crazy violent behavior – and I need to UNDERSTAND it so I can stop it and I must UNDERSTAND how I must change so that they relax.

Beautiful mind – I let you off the hook. You are trying to do something you are not created to do. This is not your job. You are constantly saying “I am trying to make you safe” – and the heart says, “You ARE safe.”

I notice that I  left the heart at a very early stage in my life, I aborted it and flew into the “trying to understand”-mind. I see the mind’s love for me, and its struggle to do something it simply cannot do.

I want the mind and the heart to work together. I see them negotiate and get to a point where the mind realizes the areas where it can withdraw and rest – and allow the heart to feel and allow and transform.

In this world, we surely need both to guide us.

I discovered that the mind does not really really know how to receive love. A hug it likes 🙂 –  but not unconditional love: “there is nothing I would not do for you.”

But when I enter the Sacred Heart-space where we are all One, it opens wide

Radiant,peaceful and joyful

lightly my darling

This is for all us trying too hard –
It’s dark because you are trying too hard. 
Lightly child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly. 
Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply. 
Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them. 

I was so preposterously serious in those days, such a humorless little prig. 
Lightly, lightly – it’s the best advice ever given me. 
When it comes to dying even. Nothing ponderous, or portentous, or emphatic. 
No rhetoric, no tremolos, 
no self conscious persona putting on its celebrated imitation of Christ or Little Nell. 
And of course, no theology, no metaphysics. 
Just the fact of dying and the fact of the clear light. 

So throw away your baggage and go forward. 
There are quicksands all about you, sucking at your feet, 
trying to suck you down into fear and self-pity and despair. 
That’s why you must walk so lightly. 
Lightly my darling, 
on tiptoes and no luggage, 
not even a sponge bag, 
completely unencumbered.




~ Aldous Huxley
from Island

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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