Guidance shared

New guidance today –

I was visiting the drugstore to pick u a new medicine for osteoporosis that a doctor has called in. They found nothing in the drugstore. Inside I got warm and light and peaceful – I chose to see it as a sign to trust my intuition and do the exercises and visualizations I WANT to do, as a joyful practice – and never more take a medicine out of fear.

With a light heart I walked on to a cinema close by – and met an old friend. She drove me home after the movie, and I could share the inner guidance with her – and you have no idea how wonderfully freeing and joyful that felt.

Just in one short week I am so much trusting of the inner guidance. Now it feels naturally and easy to do the exercises because I get a nudge to do them – no more “I MUST do this in order to heal myself.”

So now i do them with ease and gratitude – and no obligation.

Good bye to ghost stories

Thursday 2-3-17

Today I got my mother back.

It was a memory of music that did it – and most probably a session with Tapas Fleming, the creator of TAT: I was helped to let go of my old attachment to ghosts, as their helper and friend.

My mother has gone since 32 years. Her family and ancestors were also  close to that field of existence. She died from ALS, a really nasty disease. It’s a progressive neurological disease that causes dysfunction of the nerves that control muscle movement. Over time, this leads to muscle weakness, gradually affecting how the body functions, and then you die.

I grew up close to a graveyard – beautiful, peaceful, I saw it as MY garden and played there, mostly alone, except for the ghosts, that I perceived as my friends and wrote storied about. In the session with Tapas, my connection to “having to” be someone who could assist them to go home, was healed – and later I realized, that since the intention of TAT is to include all our ancestors, it certainly included my mother’s lineage. I am convinced that this procedure was essential for what happened the day after, when I had a sharing session with my friend Kit.

In this session, while I was speaking I SAW that both my parents had shown me the light, metaphorically – the place inside that is eternal, all loving, never-changing, radiantly truthful, brimming with life and presence. I shared it with my father in 3 areas:

Listening to music, only the two of us – mostly Mozart. We were joined at that Paradise place, and there were no words there, but perfect oneness. If my mother entered the room, that Paradise was always interrupted: my father went into preaching mode.

He could not share that with  both of us.

And – my mother could never share HER love of music with him, precisely because of this preaching tendency of his – but it happened when I came home from school that I overheard her playing the piano: Musette by Sibelius was her favorite. And mine. (NB: this guy plays it twice as fast as I loved to hear it – but still was the best I found on YouTube.)

And I sneaked up the stairs, and she heard me and stopped immediately, and I begged on my knees that she could play it once more – and some rare times, she consented – and we joined the Place of Light.

As I realized that both parents had shown me this Place, a torrent of tears broke and I sobbed with all my heart. Suddenly I SAW my mother as Spirit – healed and whole and innocent – and all the images of her as ice-cold and hard and rejecting fell away like old snow in April sun. I SAW her in front of me, as soul – on “the other side,” but in complete communication with me -just the same connection I shared when I joined with my mother’s ecstasy in music.

The torrent breaks through almost 70 years of denial – I have insisted of holding on to the image I held of her, the stories about her – and now it simply melted in front of this shared love, our union. The longing for her, the longing to join in LOVE broke through – I sob “my mamma, I long so much to join with you in THIS, and not all those stories from childhood!

There is no blame or anger at all in this longing – and for the first time, I see her Self, no projections now – just pure and whole.

I see her sitting in front of me, but still on the other side – she sits in profile, her head bowed, she is listening intensely with every cell to what I am telling her. At first she sits in shadow, but it lightens every second, and now I see her clearly. An inner earthquake shakes her violently, and still she is fully present within it, allowing these shakings to shake lose everything inside her role as woman and mother.MY mother in this particularly difficult lifetime, where she played the role of a mother who rejects her 4 year old daughter returning home after being group raped.  I sense her gratitude for this release, her joy that all that is false is shaken loose. No sense of guilt and sin, just shedding centuries of false beliefs and victim patterns lodged in cells and DNA.” I shake for both of us” she says, I know that is true. Now the shaking is concentrated in Root and Hara. She burps and belches, does not throw up, but throws her arms in the air and swears and smiles – no devil taking her to hell because she swears – we look right at each other and delight in this freedom.

My father, who played the role of a Dr.Jekyll and Mr. Hyde – person, and who showed contempt of the “concept” of a God, now was seen as playing a role – and I was shown places where he had demonstrated Source consciousness.

In addition to the heavenly music-joining, let me share the chanterelle-paradise

All the times he took me deep into woods, long hikes away from the trail, being guided by his phenomenal knowing where the chanterelle-places were. I remember the energy of him sitting silently down and brushing his hand over moss, like a wizard – creating a large patch of shining yellow chanterelles – and then intensely enjoying my delight at this treasure.

Recapitulating these times today made me see that he had guided me to the Light Itself – and that he therefore HAD the light available to him. The atmosphere in these places brim with light and love for me – and deep joining.

Also when we rowed out to the   open sea and fished – when the vast cloudless skies reflected in the mirror as dead calm sea, and  same oneness embraced us in timeless silent space.

When I understood that they HAD shown me Home, both of them – I knew without a morsel of doubt that we all had played in a drama we had chosen to explore as souls – and our roles were perfect. Now I could SEE the Truth of them both, and the joy of recognition was indescribable.

The day after, my daughter the musician visited and played the Musette for me. And my mother was present, glowing with joy.

All traces of ‘ghost’ about her – vanished

*

8/3 More release

Today  with  Heather ,I found that my Mount of Venus really was the shield of a big mother Turtle –  and that her shield stopped the insanity in my father’s energy during the sex to come into the womb. And so, my daughter did not have to swim in that womb energy for 9 months.  And has not been subjected to this energy, as i was.

Seeing that – and honoring that defense-mechanism (= turtle shield-) started an avalanche of releases. I saw how all my defense-places in this body had created their patterns out of the need to keep all parts of me safe – and now, the time has come to be brave enough and ready – to release them all.

At the end of the session I was sitting with a profound cold in the lower body – and heard Blue – my voice for Christ – remind me: “It’s not about becoming warm – to have “succeeded” in this – it is about just noticing exactly where you are RIGHT NOW, and honoring this – trusting the process.”

 

More door-bell signals

I was working with my tax form, and sensed a panic arising. The door-bell sounded. AHA! Door-bell = ALARM…there is an alarm-energy in me when it comes to being “accountable” and PERFECT and trustworthy for the authorities, or else I will be put in jail ( believes little Leelah.)  Make no mistakes, in other words!

When the bell sounds, I immediately sense the alarm AS energy. I am fully present for it, and it is sheer heaven!

I enjoy it fully, and then go back to my account. – Within 5 seconds, the bell sounds again!

Showing me how strong that “going into alarm-habit” is.

This time I put the papers away and just SIT with it.

Went for a long walk, and the release was there all the time

 

 

DOG

The last 3 years or more, whenever I have met a dog, there is a furious barking at me. My neighbor’s two dogs go crazy when they see me. It is not fun at all. I get that there is a furious “dog-energy” inside me that I still haven’t made peace with.

Two days ago, a dog barked wildly on my lawn under my bedroom, 2 am – running frantic to and fro.I went out and yelled at it to go home, a huge rage was in me, and it felt like it was actually acting that out FOR me, making me aware of the energy within me that i until then had judged.

Same morning, my neighbor came out to walk her two dogs the very second I was opening my door.The dogs were in a leach, and  barked and charged  at me like crazy.

This  anger-mirroring became even more clear when yesterday, a visiting dog next to my neighbor ran out of their door and stood peeping at me through my fence. It was orange and its look was fierce. Then it too started its wild barking and came charging at me. I pretended I was trained by Cesar Millan and radiated calm assertive energy ( or intended to!) It charged in a bow around me and ran to my door – and then stood on its hind legs, barked wildly and begged to be let in.

Then its owner came running. She did not look at me at all! But she yelled at the dog: this is not your house! you do not live here! and reluctantly, the dog turned around and followed her. Not once did she look at me – like I was invisible.

Later I had two friends visiting for Christmas. Late evening we started to talk about anger, I shared the dog-incidents and that I thought they were mirroring old anger in me. Something deep in me relaxed – having been shared and not kept inside a cloak of shame.

I could not sleep. The body felt like filled with angry ants, eaten alive from inside – and I started to realize that this happened FOR me, not TO me. I wanted to do Spontaneous Transformation on the aspect that carried this tremendous inner irritation. For almost 2 hours I focused on the chest, where I found the aspect, and told it “I see you, I am here for you, I am not leaving.” I drifted in and out of spacing out, but suddenly, the connection was made – the aspect KNEW it was witnessed, not alone, not denied, not judged anymore. The next hour, the  intense itching/rash abated,and I got some hours sleep.

This morning I went up early to hike high in the mountain to see the sunrise – and to pray as Jeshua teaches us in Way of Mastery, as the closing ceremony of this year’s training. As I crossed the road to take the path up the mountain, I passed close to four sled-dogs living in a little shed of their own outside  a farm. And a concert started: no barking this time – just a wild howling for four voices. I was aware that my energy was changed – and I got he idea that this was a singing to my honor: I had truly owned that wild attack energy in the night, no more resistance to it, no fear or judgments – it felt like I was one of them.. a wolf-pup being accepted into the tribe.

I taped it on my little recorder. Tears were running, great release.

The howling continued until I had passed their house.

Then I climbed the hill, watched the sunrise, prayed and received the Light, It felt wonderful beyond description, and I was filled with joy and gratefulness.

At the path down again, I heard a click to my right, and it was my cellphone that had taken a photo. This one:

dsc_0865

This green heart…I looked into the ditch by the trail at right, it was a heart shaped stone covered with moss. I took a deliberate photo of it:

dsc_0866

I felt blessed. I met people with dogs coming toward me on the trail, the dogs did not notice me at all, and we humans  wished each other  a Joyous Christmas. There were lots of smiles.

Close to my house, my closest neighbor was out walking her 2 dogs. For the first time in years, no reactions at me at all – but a big smile and hug from her.

I am blessed

 

 

Late Summer

Late Summer

Waiting for the bus,gazing softly at the row
of small trees at the other side of the street
birch,aspen,maple
the wind plays with them, I notice
how different they dance, in rhythm and manners
In another world I might hear it as music
here I am satisfied with the color-show:
the lime and ocher, the flashy burgundy and crimson
the dark brown ones with black spots
like old old hands
I look at the dancing leaves
leaving summer

suddenly, there’s the sun
shining right through the leaves –
the yellow ones now
gold gold gold

I stop breathing
I want to be found
and shone through like that
before winter comes

Heart and Mind

Heart and Mind

What I notice, is that I have given mind the job that truly belongs to the heart. Oh the pushing I have done to UNDERSTAND… I have tried to understand insanity, f.ex – parents/people behaving in weird ways, driven by their insane thoughts and traumas – I have tried to understand, to comprehend, the connection between the ways they behave, with how I perceive the little me. Cause it must surely have something to do with me, she says – this crazy violent behavior – and I need to UNDERSTAND it so I can stop it and I must UNDERSTAND how I must change so that they relax.

Beautiful mind – I let you off the hook. You are trying to do something you are not created to do. This is not your job. You are constantly saying “I am trying to make you safe” – and the heart says, “You ARE safe.”

I notice that I  left the heart at a very early stage in my life, I aborted it and flew into the “trying to understand”-mind. I see the mind’s love for me, and its struggle to do something it simply cannot do.

I want the mind and the heart to work together. I see them negotiate and get to a point where the mind realizes the areas where it can withdraw and rest – and allow the heart to feel and allow and transform.

In this world, we surely need both to guide us.

I discovered that the mind does not really really know how to receive love. A hug it likes 🙂 –  but not unconditional love: “there is nothing I would not do for you.”

But when I enter the Sacred Heart-space where we are all One, it opens wide

Radiant,peaceful and joyful

lightly my darling

This is for all us trying too hard –
It’s dark because you are trying too hard. 
Lightly child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly. 
Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply. 
Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them. 

I was so preposterously serious in those days, such a humorless little prig. 
Lightly, lightly – it’s the best advice ever given me. 
When it comes to dying even. Nothing ponderous, or portentous, or emphatic. 
No rhetoric, no tremolos, 
no self conscious persona putting on its celebrated imitation of Christ or Little Nell. 
And of course, no theology, no metaphysics. 
Just the fact of dying and the fact of the clear light. 

So throw away your baggage and go forward. 
There are quicksands all about you, sucking at your feet, 
trying to suck you down into fear and self-pity and despair. 
That’s why you must walk so lightly. 
Lightly my darling, 
on tiptoes and no luggage, 
not even a sponge bag, 
completely unencumbered.




~ Aldous Huxley
from Island

TRUST

About a week ago, a neighbor living across my house told me that our newly rehabilitated roof had a lot of water on it. A LOT. The new drains were obviously clogged. Another neighbor climbed up and had to dismantle the drain-filter, and removed what looked like a bunch of leaves  – and I went bananas. I went right into the old pattern of disaster, and will spare you all the scenarios that I made that “proved” to me that the situation was lethal.

I mailed the leader of the building firm with a complaint. No answer. I called, he told me he would look into it. Another neighbor delivered a complaint too.

Next day another yet another neighbor told me that he had seen the photo of the clog – and it was in fact not leaves, but “noses” from Maplewood.

When I was a child, we used to attach these seed to our noses.

Maple Seed

*

This was a symbol; somebody was thumbing their nose at me. Hm. That sounded like Blue – or Life. Or “my” process. That meant that this possible yearly clogging was season-conditioned, just a week or so.

The firm leader mailed us back and told us we had no case.

“TRUST”I heard,  but I was back in convincing disaster mode – lost in spinning scenarios about how to “stand up to him, find a lawyer to have my “right” and all that fuss. I knew I was caught, but could not seem to free myself.

Another neighbor mailed him “ how irresponsible!”

I sensed I didn’t want to go there. I didn’t want to win any longer.  I didn’t want to act out of that separated state of mind.And I prayed for help to see the situation  – and his behaviour -differently…

Then I saw this photo by Ruby Julian on Facebook:

RUBY13235587_634765590014109_2288927018561585728_o - Kopi

I was instantly transported into bliss. This is a Tortoise, perched on a rock, stretching its head toward the sky – and for me, the atmosphere in the image is one of melting in to Oneness. Gravity seems to be suspended –  the animal balances between heaven and earth, and its reflection is crystal clear in the clear water.

In the shower ( where so many wonder-shifts happen) I KNEW: I do not want to see the leader like  an antagonist. I knew he answered as he had because of something that had happened to him that made him stressed – and that this was not his true self.

I remembered how kind and patient he had been all the times I called him – and how he always had fixed things I did not like, fixed it so it was even better that before. I knew  by his voice and manner that he loved his work – and this love and respect was reflected in his workers, who were like him – courteous, kind, excellent workers enjoying themselves.

So I wrote him a mail, describing how I had experienced him – knowing that what he wanted, was that all of us were pleased and content with the result. Himself included.

And sending it, I KNEW that all is well, whatever seem to happen.

No disaster mode.

I had a  Skype sharing with Kit right after this, and found the terrified inner child who thought it was safe to be scared – it was a protection against being shocked, by being prepared of the worst. Kit listened while I talked to the child -“ I love you so much, I so understand why you think it is safe to expect the worst. You don’t need to be afraid any more – but it’s OK, if you choose it.”

Big release: how wonderful it was to hear that being scared was a choice – and that there was no judgment about it.

Our Skype session ended. In the last seconds, Kit exclaims, “Right now outside my window is a waterfall of noses – they spin to the ground! And there is a man with a high-pressure hose!”

TRUST

I can TRUST the process

I CAN TRUST the process. There may be dreadful energies/feelings in-between – but I will always find back to the state of utter surrender that the Tortoise expresses.

And the automatic judgment of those scared feelings and that disaster-prone child has gone

 

 

 

 

 

Namasté

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This video and practice is a life-changer for me – provided I “remember” to practice it. I have practiced a lot today, and like a miracle, the “thing” I “greeted” became sacred. I  did both the inner practice and the actual practice a LOT.

What it did – was helping me see everything that happened as a vital, integral ingredient for a good result.

I was stitching a work with intricate details – and while doing this, a lot went “wrong.” But as soon as I started to see the perfection and sacredness of absolutely all – included knots on the thread – I saw that each seeming fault was in fact a mirror of what needed my heart-felt acceptance of “faults.” I ended up resisting nothing – with no agendas, no firm expectations – and after a while of this, the whole work flowed with an ease and joy that was remarkable. There was a lot of laughing in that process. Irritation was absent.

Just by doing this “silly” exercise ( as spiritual ego would call it)  I experienced so clearly how there CAN BE no true artistic expression when there is control and expectations of a certain outcome – and  without this control, the needle just did its thing, playfully.

 

Time- demands

Oh I discover how much TIME is the main keeper of the separation-thought- this night had such a complete chaotic dream about MY time and OTHERS time and that I must not  take others time, and they must certainly not think it OK to  take my time – and oh, this is what have been one of the ways I have whipped myself the most – “don’t waste the precious time with silly things” – and it is the WHIPPING that I notice – the demands that  time is REAL and that divine timelessness is not a state of mind to love and to exist in

– can you sense the energy frequency of all those demands  – and how the “I MUST I SHOULD I OUGHT TO rises from it, making us slaves of time

Oh I am perfectly aware of the fact that as long as we believe ourselves to be separate beings and I have made an appointment with people it is good to not make them wait – since we all “down here” in the world  believe in it ( I think the Easterners don’t have the same grip on it as the Westerners, and certainly the tribe-people see time as much more flexible and pliable) – but what I am discovering is that it is a concept, believed in as true and real -and when I drop that belief, my day is completely different – and things fall into place in the most natural way

I may have written this before –  the sessions I have with students/clients seem to vary from 10 minutes to a lifetime – that is the feel of it – and in reality, they are 1.5 hours

Maybe the sessions that seem to last forever, we do work of healing that spreads through the hologram of dimensions in a very effective way

The time aspect may also be the reason that some clients stopped the process after just one session – yes 🙂 and then they return for more after 7 years. 7 years! “Now we are ready” they say – and that’s when it started to become fun

After that chaotic dream, my head felt like a bomb with toxic waste. I stretched out my hand and grabbed the wisewordnotebook lying there, opened it randomly.

“Let this rest in the space pf No Demands” it said.

My experience is that without the belief in the need for time, there are no demands

just a flowing HERE and NOW

This is a poem you can read from both ways: from up-down and also from down up.

Just like this world, where Truth is turned upside down

*

HELL
Descending into your oldest grief
That of being ice-bonely alone
Free tumbling down in the abyss
Stonewalls whisper unworthiness

I Will Not Fall!

Allowing yourself to be fully falling
Your head bursts into endless cracks
Your vision turns inward
There it is: the Christ Child
Smiling to you inside of you –

Wake up wake up
Breathe breathe
Here Now
HEAVEN

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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