The Light Holder

Just after I wrote the last post -some minutes later – I managed to turn over a DVD-ledge. It crashed into a big shelf that my husband had placed over the stairs to the ground floor – and this glass lightholder stood on the edge of it and fell over

It did some somersaults down the stairs – and ended on the hard floor at the end of the stairs. Whole.

The humpty bumpty fall

I went down the chairs – and the light holder was still whole. I asked, ” what is this the metaphor of?”

I heard” That which holds the Light can not break”

I love that this sign came right after I posted the last blogpost

I will remember that I – and everyone – hold the Light – even if I may forget.

I intend to remember

That which holds the Light

Sunbeam and Wave

Photo from Shutterstock


Yesterday I asked a question on my Way of Mastery-group. One woman gave an answer with a projection in it- I felt the sting and the instant resentment – and I remembered to ask myself where I had done that? Hm 😊
And what came out of that was life changing for me. I have lately wanted to know more deeply what Jeshua means with “your object of CREATION”*** since the forgiveness-exercise is all about working with that object.
I sensed that the OOC is the story I have made, where I seem to be separate from other beings, seems to be placed in a certain time and in a certain space where memories come from, and movements in my nervous system, all the characters involved in that story-object, my feelings and emotions and sensations in the body, how I breathed in that situation- everything physical and mental and emotional that happened that I called me and MINE – “this is about ME.”
And then, the judgments are the judging way I looked at the neutral acts in the story:  you/they/should/shouldn’t have – you are X ( stupid, wrong, the whole chalabang.)

I sensed the impact of this story of guilt and projection in the body, breathed and cried and released and forgave and embraced and blessed, and fell asleep and had a magnificent dream where I was FREE and related to various people in wheelchairs etc 😊 with lots of humor and freedom, and met wonderful people, and remembered I had a new and supersuper car somewhere – but I had currently forgotten where I have parked it!  LOL

And this insight-angel embraced me:

Truth is – I am the wave in the same big sea we all live, I am the sunbeam from the One same Sun we all share – and as long as I remember my connection with my Source – and recognize where my power and safety come from, acknowledging it – then I know where I belong.

And in the moments where I forget and believe am rootless and miserable and wrong – I need just lovingly correct myself and remind me of my origin. There, I can with clear eyes look past sin and guilt and fear and recognize that that comes from a choice of perception that creates fear. I can start with blessing all I see – including myself and my fearful perception. I can ask to see that the ones who stumble and do evil, have temporarily forgotten the Sun and the Sea. I can remember it for them, blessing them WITH that knowledge. I have noticed that it may be very simple – when I smile to someone who seems to be in a worry-place, they  MAY pick up where that smile comes from, and seemingly in front of my eyes, step out of a dark dream and smile back

Marcos Paolo Prado, from Unsplash

*** from his Way of Mastery-course


Angry – and

Enough already!

I have not been able to to paint/draw for about 2 years now. All that comes is ANNGRRY pieces like this. And so I stopped resisting and gave it space – which felt glorious.

The today, when I watched it, I grabbed a pen and started writing. This is word for word that came:

A day in May

has much to say
about my way
to form and slay
 the SHALS and MUSTS
and eat and scream
and dive in stream
and dip and swim
and laugh and beam
and come alive
is bestest way
with giggles and
a form of pray
that whispers lightly:
It's just a dream.
Now come alive 
and have ice cream

I notice the turnaround into “dive in stream”, and enjoyed the change in energy in that shift.

I had just ended a session with a friend and  suggested creative means for her to deal with huge rage. So I thought I would do that too.

These poems – silly as they are, are so healing for me. They just come. Such blessings. I think one of the Divine’s attribute is playfulness and silliness. I also experience that any form of play is transformative – I will set the intension to allow what comes through me / patients  with curiosity and wonder – always trusting that what we have started, not knowing where it will go, WILL go into wonder and transformation, when we let it.

If you are interesting in case-stories from my 30 year practice as therapist, you might read some reviews of When Fear Comes Home to Love

Turn Your Longing around

40 years ago I found this quote by St.Francis of Assisi: What you are looking for, is what is looking.
I knew – by the reaction in my body – a kind of a shock of remembering – that it was true. I have known it fully many times – and somehow dropped out of it again.
Here it is now for anyone who may need to hear the truth again from Rupert Spira – myself included – giving ourselves tons of compassion for the parts that still try to find it anywhere else than this HERE and NOW:  this Heart that we all share

Helplessness and the Fixer

In the Corona journey we all are taking there are these days a collective bone-tiredness, a profoundly deep “ I can’t take this one more second.” The ones of us who are in an awakening process will notice this more acutely. I had one such day yesterday.

There is an old collective pattern: “I have to DO something about this. I, ME, the separate I, has to DO something or find out something -it must be something I have done wrong. There is a deep feeling of impotence and helplessness: I MUST do something – and nothing helps or works.

This is the very archetype of helplessness. In Non Duality (A Course in Miracles) I am helped to discover that this small I does not exist as a separate being – it is part of the collective mind that is convinced it has succeeded in separating itself from God /Source /Universe/Love.

The Corona virus has made these old fear patterns visible for us all. “I can’t breathe fully and freely” is one such pattern – and most of humanity has not been raised to breathe fully and freely, since that would allow us to be in touch with painful overwhelming emotions.

Personally, I have been caught in the belief that “this is something I must cope with – tackle – fix.” Then I try more and more and more to fix it – and that strengthens the feelings of powerlessness. I now give power to the belief that I, small mind,Leelah, has to do this.

I noticed that anything I did within this pattern, strengthened it. As long as I saw myself as a separate struggler and victim, I tangled myself deeper into the very archetype of helplessness.

I noticed that for me, the solution was: OH there I go again. ( smile.) I choose to drop these thoughts and rest in Love.

Now helpless-thoughts are not mine anymore – they just are humanity’s  thoughts – and Love flows into my mind. I notice I am willing to receive help from Love – and I am available for Love-thoughts.

It is good to make space for these energy frequencies. I can just sit with this as a meditation – making myself available – but even better for me is taking a hike in the wood.


Holy place in the wood
Sacred peace

Samskaras – and Dream Fulfillment

I was married to a most desirable man. He fled from an invaded country and got work in our theaters. He had a remarkable reputation as artist, a true pioneer. He was tall and dark and had a charisma than made women literally throw themselves at him and kiss him. He did not kiss back, but he did not push them away either, and told me from the start that he hated jealousy.

He was also 25 years older

Still, I became his fourth wife. -He was nuts about me – and he had severe traumas after being in prison camp as very young in the war, for over 2 years. So we had both a lot of baggage that we projected at each other.

Some of this had the effect that he could be dismissing of me and make me small in the presence of others – and my whole life with him, I ached for him to show others that he revered me and respected me. After his death, 35 years ago, this became an obsession in me – and I knew with my head that I had that feeling BEFORE I met him – and I knew that as souls we had decided to come together for this ( and other things) to be healed, and also to pioneer in our particular brand of art.

When he died, this was what my ego held on to – ” he should have demonstrated that he was proud of me.” And inside, I told myself that I probably did not deserve it. – This was agonizing. During these 30 years after his passing, I have worked with that feeling in all possible ways – and still it is there in my mind, as a samskara.

This is how I found it described at Yoga International:

When our mental world is totally under the influence of these powerful impressions they become the determining factors of our personality, and due to these samskaras we perceive this world in our habitual ways.

I have seen and fully realized that it has been impossible for me to just choose to let this go – it is deeply entrenched in the human mind as a belief in unworthiness – which is the hallmark of  thoughts of separation.

This night, it was removed. Rushes of energy flows through me as I write it down and make it official.

I had two dreams of K: in one, he was in his role as Teacher. and all his students were young women. I entered that room, and I entered it as a woman in her full bloom – intensely attractive and secure in her being, radiating it. He saw it and loved it, but did not in any way present me for his class like I wanted: “This is my beautiful wife. This is my one and only love, whom I adore.”

I woke up and the old familiar agony possessed me – the archetypal belief in unworthiness as woman.

There and then I called K’s soul forth,  and he came.

More shivers.

A great peace descended – now was the time to truly connect as souls and talk this out. I described  this samskara, and told him what I wanted – to have it erased forever, and that he could help me with that by entering the dream space again and this time present me as his beloved wife whom he loved and adored beyond all.

And lo and behold, when i fell asleep again there he was, with his women group, and I can still feel his warm arm around me and the love and adoration in his eyes when he looked at me and presented me as his wife and Beloved. His adoration and full heart streamed into my soul and dream body and erased the samskara.

It is anchored now. it feels utterly new and different in my body.

There is no time

All existence is NOW



The whirling chaos

Just when I think “this is impossible” – the whirling chaotic energies, from divine bliss to utter overwhelm – I receive this from my teacher Prune Harris.

It brought me from desperation to deep gratitude.

Let me know how it affected you – feel free to share in the comments

Blissfully Present Like a Cow

This is timely !
Yesterday I watched a movie from a place in Sweden where people have TIME -well, at least the older ones. I have rarely felt so well and relaxed.There were pictures of a very old man sitting by a very old window looking out at blond cows lying down and chewing about two meter from his window. ( It turned out that they were all in love with him: they followed him down to the beach when he went fishing and waited for him there, and then returned home with him. It is true.)
Now he sat there with an old radio with a program with three or more people talking simultaneously – it’s called discussion, I believe – and there was this exquisite comparison between the silence with divine contented munching cows outside, right in front of him,and the tremendous unrestful voices where nobody was listening, only “getting their point out.”
Then he turned the voices off and I was whooshed right into the cows’ heaven.
And today there was this excellent thoughtful article in my mailbox:

Since I live alone, I simply need to learn how. I think I will start with dinner today, imagining being a cow -and my beloved Master sits close by the window and I am just – CONTENT
This is the closest photo I have found – but it is not in any way close to the original. And this one has a collar on.Imagine she has her head to the ground, grazing while laying down. Her eyes are ALMOST closed.


Good Company

Since the Corona arrived, in Norway we very fast realized that we might starve to death and after we had bough ut all the toilet paper we bought seeds.

I dug up quite some beds in my garden and planted lots of seeds inside in March. Mostly tomato seeds. I had trust and planted two seeds in a big pot for what I was certain to be a formidable grand bush of tomatoes.
In one month it grew to the two first tiny leaves – and there it stopped. It stem never grew thicker than a sowing thread. Then it withered. And so it went with the others too .

Then after 2 months of this I decided to toughen in up and let it stay outside all the time.That helped – it now grew up more robust, but still max 1/2 cm tall.

That lasted until three days ago, when I asked both plants – in their big pots – what was wrong. At once they started to wail, and one of them said with a low voice ” we’re lonely. We need company!”

I felt ashamed but happy that they were so straightforward. And I promptly placed them in my mint bed with roots from here to China.
Two days later one has sprouted new leaves and smiles at me – the other seems a bit crippled but we will see what happens now when he is in a loving environment.

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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