Sunflower in September

New experiences re the False Helper Syndrome– which is to me an unkind label: I prefer the Utterly Confused Helper. I am still using The Core Transformation process.

I have found that the defense parts are really willing to draw back and allow space when I acknowledge how life-saving they were when we put them in charge. Today I had a 30-40 of them sitting in a half circle 30 meters away. They had popcorn too.

I have found that instead of wants and desires, often needs are offered. I am working at finding the distinction between them.

The first need was:
I want you to fully listen what I feel and need – without saying ONE thing in  defense and without touching me.

next:

I want you to see when I am happy and let me be happy without commenting.

Next: I want to see that you feel/are safe, so I don’t need to take care of you. I want to KNOW that you have all the resources you need to feel safe and adult. Only THEN can I know what I feel

These steps were adamant for her to start going deeper:: first feeling anger/ rage – and then to be seen in her terror and fear, and never to be held: there is a deep understanding in the confused helper that as soon as s/he is HELD, s/he will feel the needs of the other – and her mandatory rule is “The other ALWAYS comes first when it comes to needs.”

I recently had an experience with a beloved friend – she is a psychiatrist – and when I expressed an agony she immediately embraced me – HARD – I could hardly breathe. All my self-awareness went swoop into her.

So there is a super strong automatic in the energy shift here, between a confused helper and the other.

The next next deepest desire or need was: “ I want you to acknowledge that you did not WANT to see what happened to me – without ANY explanations and any “OHHH I am so sorry” at all. As long as there is guilt, I will have nothing of it.”

The next deepest:

That you SEE Me – the Self – see the goodness, the love, the patience, the wisdom, the tenderness in this Self. That you see that all this happened, it is over, we don’t need to play these roles anymore. DONE

The deepest: That I KNOW with all of me that my worth is intrinsic, and never depends on how I help and serve others.

THERE was  and is the Peace of God.

The sunflower – I discovered it yesterday. It blooms right in front of my face when I go out – and it stands under a bush, so it has to bend forward  and then bend up  to catch the sun. What is so beautiful to know that somehow a sunflower seed decided to root there – and how did it get there?

Coming for to carry me Home

I have very rarely had the connection to needs and feelings I have after I started to use the “Core Transformation” method. I don’t have to search mentally for answers any longer – they come directly FROM the inner parts of Self. And of course earlier methods and trainings and practices have built up and prepared my mind and soul for this too!

I love to share the last unbelievably sign or synchronicity, mirroring my inner journey.This morning i worked with a part that had a lot of defense -structures around it.* All* the defense – parts listened to my request for them to pull back and watch. So I was brought back to the innermost wish this part had – to be home with God, to truly feel the embodiment of this. I saw myself walking over a bridge from illusion to Truth – and in the same moment, a HUGE racket started outside my window. It was a helicopter – and the sound and vibrations were so overwhelming that it seemed to have landed right outside my window. My immediate association was “It’s come to carry me HOME “

Wolf Hunger

I went through a process that Sarita Premley taught us yesterday (Way of Knowing-students.)

The repeated question to the part goes something like this: “
a)”What do you *get* from acting like that?” and then ” b)when you have that,what may be even more important/wonderful to have – the deeper level of that-?)

Here are the stages of consciousness I found in the part that carried (and carried out) the pattern and energy of the Wolf-hunger.

1.answer: the need to be free from others’ influence. A kind of safety.

2. Freedom from “you shall you shall you shall you must you must you must you ought to! OR ELSE!!”

A lot happened in the body after this. Lots in sinus, big hiccups.

3)Embodied sense of protection.

4)Safety-feeling

5)Absence of all the demonic images this part sees ( let’s call them Fufus – that removes a lot of energy from them. If you are interested in processes that heal your relationship to fields of fufu-consciousness,my book – see below – describes a trustworthy path, well walked by me and my patients and students.) Even though I have healed this, there are still parts of my subconscious mind that have not –

***Insight: the tension behind my eyes might be just this – the urge NOT to see these images, and the conclusion these parts have made about themselves: “I must be awful, sinful, guilty etc.*** This insight instantly frees up a lot of tensions.

6) Feeling free from others controlling me. Autonomy. Me being the one who decides.

7) Inner peace

8) Deep KNOWING that the decision is mine.

9)KNOWING that I am free – that my mind is free!

10)KNOWING who I am – my true nature

11) Sovereignty.
At this stage, my mind overflowed with LOVE and a recognition that this is my Source or Core.

When the part has reached down to what we call a Core-state, breathe and stay there, receive it fully. Reminding the part that this Love that is here is there always, and can be reached/accessed without all these intermediate states. Available always – AS our true Self.

12) To the part: Now – when you know you already have this from the beginning – how does it make all this different?

***I know I cannot be manipulated for real.*** This LOVE is unharmed. I can choose to focus on this. And everybody else has the same freedom. I can choose to see through to this part in them – our essence.

At the end of the journey, the parts can now travel through the time line WITH the resource/Love and share it with all my other parts – and also travel back to the point before conception and bring this resource all the way forth, into the future.I did this – a great way of joy flowed through me.

I do not know if the wolf hunger has gone. But if there is some left, I will just repeat the process – the results were beautiful.

The book with these processes is called: Core Transformation by Connirae Andreas.

My book with mine and clients’ exploration of how to heal the dark fear parts of our mind: “When Fear Comes Home to Love” by Leelah Saachi. You find it in the right menu if you want to read more about it.

Lost and Found

Some days ago I posted about losing my hearing aid,and looking everywhere One minute ago, I rose up with determination and repeated: I WILL find my hearing aid now, with love and gratitude.” I went directly to my coats in the wardrobe and searched through the pockets I have searched through at least 10 times before. On my third affirmation I sensed the little box in the pocket of a jacket.
Thank you for showing me the power of my full choice and determination

Flying Free

May you all have the most happy peaceful fulfilling year imaginable!

For a minute ago, there was a huge opening for my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love” – it is being presented in the #me too-community on Facebook. That is a closed group, but here is a link to a series of 10 FREE video/audio  webinars that may save your sanity and life, if you count yourselves as one of the me-too’s

http://www.metoointensive.com/nt-ls

I am posting my FB post here too 🙂

I have worked as a therapist and healer since 1988, and as soon as I started my practice I realized that all my clients showed very similar patterns – and they all mirrored patterns in me.I give Expressive Arts Therapy, and as soon as the patient sat down to draw or paint, or any other expression, the air was filled with Presence. All the images led to LOVE showing up – in details,word, and most of all, numinous synchronicities in our lives. Early into this process, out of the blue, a publisher phoned me and asked me “Shouldn’t you write a book?” And i should and did.

As soon as I had made my commitment, inner guidance turned up – in one of my agonized nights filled with dark and demonic visitations, I asked intensely for help and there S/he was – I called It BLUE.She explained the “mechanics” of the violator/victim-spectrum, and told me I was here to explore this with my patients – to find certain archetypes we all share, how to recognize them and how to relate to them to transform them.

What made it possible to write that book, was the constant weird and wonderful synchronicities that turned up. I have included them in the book – it sprinkles a highly needed flavor of humor and giggles into the work, helping us to dis-identify from the archetypes – be their loving observer

That took about 25 years.
I self published it – the publisher told me that his editors were not skilled to edit it – so I had to edit it with BLUE instead 🙂

Blue linked me to Jennifer last June, and I took the STT training – so when she advertised the free #MeTooHealingIntensive webinars I got big shivers. I realized this was a huge gift to me – but also a gift to the book – here was the true energetic opening for it.

I am beyond relieved and grateful for everything that brought me to this life and to link up with Jennifer and #MeTooHealingIntensive. I love you all!

Here is the link – you can read about it, read reviews and peak inside. It comes in Kindle too – much cheaper

The Left Eye

Lesson 9, Way of Mastery

It is not possible for you to taste death

This night, I  dreamt about my childhood house – it seemed that my parents were preparing to move out of there. There was a young boy I had never seen there – instead of a normal left eye, he had a bloodshot intestine there – awake, I saw that I somehow have instructed my intestine to SEE for me – the left part, the woman. Makes great sense for me . The boy’s name was one in my early school-classes – his last name resembles the word laborious ( Laboreaux, French.) So I honored those intestines, laboring for me, truly digesting what that little girl could not see if she would keep her sanity.

I realized that a deep default fear of mine was “ always be accommodating towards men, never show disrespect – and this morning it was clear to me that it was a BELIEF, not a fact.

Today was also The World Biggest Eye-contact Experiment. More than 58 countries participated.

On the bus to town, that fear of death made it very hard to breathe, I tapped on it, and also did the lesson 9 exercise – “it is not possible for you to taste death. I was one of the participants in Oslo, sitting there waiting for people to come and do a one minute eye contact. I asked them to look into my left eye ( soul eye.)  So 30-40 people have looked deeply into my left eye today. One cried deeply, ca 98% I felt a deep gratitude and love for – we connected deeply – and the last guy and I opened to such an ocean of pure joy that I will never forget it.

The first who came over, was a whole gang of black dressed youths,  maybe from Cambodia.One of them had a long yellow costume oer his black dress, with a black tip on his yellow hooded head. He was cocky, and I asked him if he was  a pencil…I am a banana! he insisted, and then he sat down. The boys were looking. The banana did a lot of shenanigans: he opened his eyes wide, blinked fast and spastically, it seemed he did it on purpose – it felt like a power exhibition. The more he did that, the more I adored him – the way his position was in that group, he probably was supposed to do that. But since I did not react, just felt more and more soft toward him for every second, suddenly he surrendered. There was a big shift, and he looked surprised. “Did you notice that? I asked, and he said yes, stood up quietly and they walked away.

So I may have changed a banana’s life today

Another guy started to talk and talk. I talked for a while, then listened, and then I saw myself in the old pattern – not daring to tell him that I wanted to NOT talk, because he would kill me. I allowed myself to tell him that I wanted to not talk. I hated it. He took it personally, I asked him not to take it personally . he told me he didn’t…and then he got his rucksack and wanted to leave, and I got up and hugged him and meant it – but still so convinced that my job was to make him feel good.

Now I think about it a LOT, and allow myself to feel the fear and knowing it is a part of death that I simply cannot taste for real, but I can embrace myself each time the paranoid thoughts come. I simply have to allow ME to wake away….big lesson, this. Sickening full of fear.

The third guy sat down and looked hard at me and told me “I am paranoid.” There was quite a lot of resistance there in the beginning, and then I told him “you choose to sit or leave whenever you feel like it. You’re in charge.” Very good impulse – there was a big shift, and then we both sat in that delicious ripple.

And only now, writing this, did I notice that that left eye that had giver her power over to her intestines to digest stuff, was today met by a whole bunch of people.

So only 1 guy was challenging – the other two “strange ones” I enjoyed – and the rest was pure Heaven.

It felt – indescribably beautiful

https://www.theeyegazingexperience.com/ https://facebook.com/theliberatorsinternational/videos/870998736396284/

A Grateful Day

I got this this morning, and want to share…the images makes me feel so warm and welcomed in the world – i wish this for you all too –

I will later today post an invitation to a healing 7-week seminar – about how we can relate to illness and stuck problems in a playful and creative way that may transform them. Our common presence in a Closed Facebook group will also be of great importance.

But first –  Brother David 🙂

Rearranging the furniture – or moving out

from Chapter 2,Child,”Greater reality:.”

Night. Excruciating pain in my mind and body. I am surely dying! I pray and pray:

“Help me! Give me a miracle! I can’t take it any longer!”

No answer. Years after this, I see that Love is there, available as always – but my struggle and resistance prevented me from being aware of It.

I try several different approaches to the crazy energy – but it is plainly too much for me to integrate. Then – it is almost morning – I at last hear Blue’s voice:

THERE IS A GREATER POWER THAN THIS. THERE IS A GREATER REALITY.

In a flash, I believe the words. I recognize that the tensions came from identifying with a lesser reality.

All the tensions and pains are immediately released, and The Voice says, tenderly and with humor:

-And there you are – HOME – shot-free.

OH! Let me hold on to this understanding now!

Same morning, at the breakfast-table, I am reading my favorite cartoon, “The Lagoon.” [1] The crab Hawthorne is inviting Sherman the Shark to peek into his cave. “I want your honest opinion about what you see around here. I want you to take into consideration the fact that I spend almost my entire life in this dark cave. Think about that while you peep around. – Well now! Do you think that that stone would look nicer over there, in the corner?”

And old Sherman throws a glance at the stone and says:

“I don’t know…I think you are really challenging fate here, Hawthorne.”

This is a shark’s view, and probably speaks for a lot of humans, too. Better to let things stay as they are, change may be unsettling to us.

But OH! How I recognize the futility of moving the furniture around, in a meaningless effort of changing and fixing things – trying to feel more at ease with this old stuff of mine.

Therapy might often end up in moving stones: there is this really yucky smelling slimy stone in the corner there, and now we clean them up – and the other stuff in the cave, we dust, paint rosy or give a new cover … or we might, if we are courageous, smash them to dust and bury them.

What we very seldom do, is leave the cave and swim out into the waters of Greater Reality.

Yes, there is a worry in me when I think of leaving my old cave, where things are painful and overstuffed but familiar – and swim out in the clear water of freedom – I / my ego fears that I will be so happy and content that I will forget to identify with Child…ego tells me that I will be fat and self-content and lazy, and will not bother to feel responsible for the other cave-dwellers’ pain any longer. And there is this other fact: there is a benefit by living in fear all the time: you are very close to death, and death is, when all is said, very dependable and safe.

And perhaps that is all I deserve?

The Voice says:

In GREATER REALITY, you will radiate your essence, your compassion, your depth, your love – and that will help others to find Greater Reality. When they feel safe and loved, they will no longer alienate themselves from their truth. This is the only way you can contain pain that is split off: by living from your Greater Reality – by being and radiating your essence.

Your Child is not lost in the cave – she will be saved and safe only when you can contain her.

Stop moving stones and come out into the Light! This is the choice you all will have to make, again and again. And the choice will be easy and clear, my friend, when you realize that within the cave there is nothing else to do but to move the furniture around. – COME OUT! and help the cave-dwellers see that they have a choice: they can come out – and they can go back again. And in the end it will not matter where you are – inside or outside – because you now know Who you are. The choice and responsibility are yours.

The reality now is that when you stay within the cave, you are not aware that you have a choice, and the power, to leave it. Then the cave becomes a prison. This is the whole difference: it doesn’t matter where you are, as long as you know you have the freedom to move out of it and into your true identity.

You don’t have to rush – “I MUST do this NOW!” Your essence is waiting, safe and unharmed, to be acknowledged and recognized. It is your true Home. It is impossible NOT to find it.

I will do it now. In the name of all that is holy, help me to recognize the cave, so I can move out of it.

Oh! There I go again. The thoughts run away with me. I worry so much!

My dearest. Don’t blame yourself. Learn: this is exactly the way the ego moves stones in the cave. This is one of fear’s most cherished procedures: grabbing thoughts and make you worry over them. It makes you feel that you are in control as long as you do this and that and make plans for how to avoid that and worry worry worry. You see- the issue here is f e a r . Use it constructively now: as soon as you recognize fear and worry occupying your mind, recognize their sneaky ways in trapping you in the furniture-moving-business. Then you will remember:

1) I am in the cave

2) I have a choice

3) I choose freedom, light, truth – I don’t want the moving stone-business any longer. I have grown past it.

And by seeing the illusion as empty lies, dressing up as reality within the cave, you transcend it – and you are contributing to the lightening of the collective darkness.

All is well.

Let me give you some pointers about realities.

In the cave, you try to meditate. You exercise to make yourself “a better person.” All you do comes from a space in you who believes yourselves not good enough, need improvement to earn acceptance and feel safe. In Greater Reality, you allow meditation to just happen. You exercise yourself because it is a way to love yourself and respect the body – it is a way to care for the vehicle of the soul.

In the cave, all your efforts are geared toward making you safe. Fear is saying: “If you do this and act like this, I will make you safe.” Outside the cave, Love is saying: “you are safe. This is the true reality – nothing can harm the Real You.”

In the cave, you try to be loving. Outside of it, you recognize that Love is not what you perform, it is what you are.

[1]This dialog is presented by Jim Toomey, in one of his Sherman’s Lagoon comic strips.

 

More door-bell signals

I was working with my tax form, and sensed a panic arising. The door-bell sounded. AHA! Door-bell = ALARM…there is an alarm-energy in me when it comes to being “accountable” and PERFECT and trustworthy for the authorities, or else I will be put in jail ( believes little Leelah.)  Make no mistakes, in other words!

When the bell sounds, I immediately sense the alarm AS energy. I am fully present for it, and it is sheer heaven!

I enjoy it fully, and then go back to my account. – Within 5 seconds, the bell sounds again!

Showing me how strong that “going into alarm-habit” is.

This time I put the papers away and just SIT with it.

Went for a long walk, and the release was there all the time

 

 

Presence – or Heaven

When you have a family with a big split – there’s a lot to clean up afterwards. Afterwards meaning when you grow up and realize all you have buried – all the conclusions you made as a wee child when shock happened, what all that meant about YOU – and the great coping mechanisms you made to surf it and survive it all.

So comes the time when you look at yourself with great compassion and decide to receive all those old feelings, give them an expression – not to get back, not to win, just for yourself: this is how it felt in the body. I have a right to feel it – it is healthy and it is healing me.

So I have been gradually working myself closer and closer to that man in my life who planted the shock in my body when I was a baby, and who planted the shock waves in the family in a way that allowed us all to live in ignorance of what was going on – himself included. I deeply believe that I am born to explore and bring consciousness to this tremendous split – and what happened this glorious morning was an instrumental piece of atonement of what I have named “The Jekyll and Hyde”-syndrome – where the loving father/mother in one second switches into his demonic twin.

This morning, there was a great opening to ” it is OK and welcomed to truly feel that fear. To completely allow those energies of insanity back into the body and consciousness – because you are not alone NOW: I am with you, and I am willing to feel this with you.”

The voice speaking this is what I call the witness/observer:

This is THAT in us that was never harmed or hurt, that cannot die, was never born – that embraces and love you completely each and every moment – your Self. And since most of us have succeeded in putting this Self in the backseat, so we can truly explore separation fully, we now want to gently allow it back in.To not set the bar sky-high, we may go for an angel instead of the Self:  a witness who is completely accepting and loving of all that we are. Deeply nourishing energy, kind, gentle wise and strong. Just like the parent we all wished we had   –  here it is now. Just pretend! that’s what imagination is for.

As the Observer sat with the aspect of my Self who still carried this insanity-energy locked up somewhere outside/inside the body, and suggested that  I was willing to feel everything WITH the aspect, something relaxed in her. It is vital for me that I remind myself again and again to keep a space between the Observer and the aspect – in that way, I will not merge and fuse with the insane energy, and it will – for the first time – notice that LOVE is present.

Guess what happens when insanity meets LOVE?

Exactly.

And so I was willing to take the chance, the small self/aspect trusted the presence of the Observer.

The first seconds, there was a gradual building up of sensations in the body. There was fear, and the Observer suggests, ” I encourage you to feel that fear. Good for you, you know! At last you dare to feel this fear.Go for it!”

And you might take a big breath when you read the following: the energy I write it with, is pure bliss and Presence.

Suddenly I and my father are together in a winter landscape. It is dead calm, except that this is all about life. We stand still on our skies, there is no sound, no others. Just a Presence of Being that embraces us with indescribable love – allows us to know who we are in this world, one with all. And this feeling I feel WITH this man – it is what is available for us all. Seen from this loving level, we as souls chose all that dark energy to come into play to be explored.To come to this sacred moment where we both see the truth of who we are.From this point, in the bed in the morning, I forgive myself for setting myself up for this and for asking him to play this role. I forgive myself for being involved with these energies for so many lives – and it simply does not make even a nudge in the Self that we are.

Next memory: my father and I sit in a wooden rowboat on an ocean with out a single ruffle disturbing the endless mirror like surface. It is sunny and warm, we are fishing. It feels like we are sitting on the very edge between heaven and earth – and what is above is what is below, there is only here and THIS.

Third memory:

He walks ahead of me into a wood. He knows exactly where to walk. He is a pathfinder, and now he leads us to a paradise of shining yellow chanterelles.  I am in ecstasy! He had led me to a treasure, and he allows me to pick them all, smiling tenderly at my joy.

At the path back to our car and civilization, we talk about the bushmen of Kalahari – how we both adore them and their way of living.

Fourth memory:

My mother has recently died. My father and I sit in the living room – he in his big self-made  green armchair, me in front of the fireplace. We listen to Mozart, and all pain is transformed in the radiance of our union.

*

In bed, I feel the energy of the beauty and presence we shared, and recognize it as the absolute truth of who we are. I recognize that I can choose to allow the dark energy now to come into those heavenly spheres of Self and Truth – so I do that.

Writing this down – and sharing it with you all – is my way of grounding it. Growing up with this split and deep denial – as so many of us are – creates HUGE fields of distraction/dissociation-energy as a necessary smoke shield of protection. This pattern we have named “US” – so now it takes vigilance and steady practice to notice “oh there i go again, distracting and confusing myself. I really want peace instead.”

And then I choose to remember these places where we are one: skiing deep in the wood, out on the sea,  finding the golden treasure together – and being lifted into the bliss of Mozart.

*

Thank you for reading this through. I love you, whoever you are who chose to do that. If you enjoyed it, you may also enjoy my two books here on this blog. Or not 🙂

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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