PERFECTION

Inner Images and Sounds

Hi all

This blog shares my explorations with my mind, memory and body – to dissolve and release imprints of trauma in the cells. I have been shown clearly that any symptom comes from a memory of trauma that had to be stacked away when it happened – I have great respect for those parts of me that hid those parts. Through deep love and non-judgment for these parts, they have opened up for me – and today I will share how a deep inner itching – “Shingles” – came from inner images and sounds that my mind and heart could not be present too – as they at that time were far too frightening and threatening.

We all have those places. It is my experience that sending love to them is possible and healing.

In When Fear Comes Home to Love, I share my path through almost 30 years of explorations – with myself and my patients in therapy. When I sat up in the night when the itching was too overwhelming, I asked for help and opened the book randomly – always trusting that Spirit leads my fingers. They landed here:

Exercise: Giving is receiving

The images we store in our subconscious of the Fuckeat-attacks***, still have the power to put us in a permanent position of alert. This exercise may heal the inner enemy-image, and help us see the scared child within the aggressor – calling for help, just as our own inner Child.

Sit, or lie down. Close your eyes. Allow your breathing to become slow and deep. Put your focus on your heart for a while; know that your loving essence waits for you there. Breathe into this love, expand it. Feel and see it as a light within your heart that expands, embracing you in a cocoon of loving light.

Now visualize your abuser in front of you. If that is too scary, visualize him/her in the arms of their guardian angel. Look for a light-spot within him. When you find it, allow it to expand, until it surrounds him like a cocoon. Now see, within his heart, the image of his own inner child. See the child becoming aware of the light s/he is surrounded by. See her/him relax.

Go with whatever happens.

If you want to, allow the two light-spheres to merge. Remind yourself that the image you see within the light-sphere is a mirror of your own inner child.

Give whatever happens over to the Holy Spirit, or your own Highest Love.

***”Fuckeat” is the name I have given the enemy-archetype of the abuse-variety.

We all have our own inner guides of Spirit. When you faithfully do this work, they will arrange the most wondrous and funny synchronicities for you,, as they do for me.

After having worked a couple of hours in the night with embracing the energies and letting go of some of the images, a completely new sensation filled my chest and solar plexus-area. A feeling of safety the body never has felt in this life. And I had a great dream:

I am having a medical procedure in a hospital The doctor is the epitome of kindness and gentleness. After this, the door opens and a multitude of small children swarm in. I run around and call out: I am a love magnet! And whenever I touch a child, I tell it that now it is glued to me. There is a huge joy in this silly game, and I end up being in the middle of a large heap of giggling children

When I open my door to get the paper in the morning, a child has painted this heart right outside of my door:

I love to end this post with a poem I wrote recently:

The Last Judgment

First
The curve and fragrance of the cupola
The sweetness and dependability of the milk
The age old rhythm of the heartbeat

Landing

Belonging

Middle
You and me in the blue boat
Calm vast sea
Resting in the here – membrane
Between above and below
Looking and knowing
Smiling

Last
Being quietly present all the time
In dreams and awakenings
The knowing:
The Last Judgment
Is Love

 

Going Deep

 

Working on Skype with a dear friend – Kit – there came up a little girl who had hid herself under tons of defenses. Deep deep deep down. It is a beautiful experience to witness and be with such an occurrence in the other – we sense how vital they have been for our mental survival – how s/he has constructed a brilliant structure of coping mechanisms to orient herself in the world.

When this one gets space, it opens a new world of freed energy.

I recently had such an inner child witnessed and respected and loved – and today I could do that for Kit. I felt the new depth we both had “excavated” and freed up – and the Coronavirus came to my attention: a teacher I follow in energy medicine, Prune Harris

has recently got the virus, and recovered with the  energy medicine exercises she teaches – and she mentioned that she felt the depth of the virus inside her energysystem. With Kit today, I know we went down into THAT depth – and all it took was our willingness to BE with – BREATHE  give space and love and allowance to.

No more fixing, no more wanting to heal: Allowing healing to happen, by being with it and witnessing it.

********************

If you should want an experience like this:

I offer this experimental process if you are interested. It is a healing process of finding and helping you be with these parts of you –  in love. We will meet on Skype. I don’t use video:)

If interested, let me know

 

Lonely Girl in the Heart Comes Alive

In the usual night agony, I heard a clear and no-nonsense voice: sit up right now!

I did, and in a king of whoosh I saw that the carrier of the agony energy was my spiritual ego – the one who has followed 10 Mystery schools  and  a zillion of trainings and and and and still feels this agony/rage/anxiety/death wish/killing lust.

It’s simply the whole “false” identity, the perceived “separate one” – the one who sees herself as NOT healed and worthy and a failure – she is ALL OF THAT.

And after reading Carrie Triffet’s last book – about the importance to completely utterly love the “subterranean self” – or those parts of us we have kept as a secret…that I fully acknowledge her presence, and realize how unavoidable it is to continue AS her. From now on relating TO her – is my intention.

Now, this night, I saw that I was asked to intend to LOVE ALL OF THAT – the whole old package of “the ego though system” as the Course calls it – all those parts of me that I had attached to those thoughts and called MINE and ME.

IT was strange to get up in the morning – it felt different. I could neutrally watch “her” and all her thought patterns – but they did not attach to me. That much. I witnessed her go bananas when she lost something on the floor – for the first time did I allow her to yell and curse and it felt just fine and NEUTRAL. No judgment.

She like very much to be praised for having been such a good girl – and I enjoy doing that, loving her, truly loving her, embracing her with what Carrie calls “the rose-golden Light.”

Bow this is weird and wonderful: the above in blue attached itself here ABOVE the text that I had composed on Word and copied. When I clicked glue in, it came too – helping me realize that what I wrote today was the continuation of the blue text.  Clearly  this is archetypal matter.

Lonely Girl in the Heart

 

In the middle of the Heart

there is a fog of woe and wonder –

so little known to itself,

so dreamingly absorbed in the

layers of illusion.

But look:

it’s floating in the Sun of the heart!

I am so lonely so lonely

and I do not know of my fears –

I sense them only when I am held

but very carefully, or I’ll burst into a million little pieces

someone has stolen my words

and my hopes

but my story is still here

under the layers of centuries.

I have a right to tell the story,

but who are the listeners?

A great light and soft love surround me when I finished writing the above, and a Voice speaks:

Child, listen – I am your mother, Aurora – Queen of the Heart

And I know that She has listened to it all

 

The inner Child is doubting that Aurora is real: “Please give me a sign, Blue – let me see this name within three days!”

Next day I read in the column for TV/radio: “Arcadian radio and The Arcadian Explorer’s editorial Staff continue their trip down Mississippi on the riverboat Queen Aurora.”

*

Today is 23.March 2020 – 22 years after I wrote the above, as a part of my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love”  – and I found the child, the Heart -and -body connection was made, and my whole experience of life has changed.

Before that, earlier today,  I sensed with deep grief that I truly wanted to be grounded – but there has always been something that refuses to be inside the body. I have sensed there is a root connection through my feet and the perineum – but I wanted the feeling/energy of the dissociated child  to be fully incarnated. I prayed deeply for help with this, and suddenly I KNEW that she was HERE – inside me – and the mother of all griefs burst forth. I have never cried like THAT before – completely new quality – now embracing all that loneliness.

Do you know what more is present:

My creativity – and two years of crazy wolf hunger is GONE

JUST GONE

The constant inner strong bumping pulse in the midsection – gone

So now I knew how I feel – and how SHE felt – so I decided to play with her with words. It felt like an adorable little girl of 4 years was present, a separate being – and I communicated with her just as I would do with a girl of flesh and blood.

It was very helpful to have worked with “parts” most of my 30 years as a therapist 😊

She has been behind the wolf hunger – and the impossibility to do anything creative and playful. Now she composed an adorable story about a pig who had the moon inside her and spread moonlight all over her surroundings.

I am aware that this energy of her needs time to solidify and integrate. Of course! Bless her!

 

I feel tired in a healthy way.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Being with it

I was having a dream with much awkward nakedness and acts and not pleasurable feelings- yiiikes – and woke up and told myself it comes to be released. So I breathed and was with it – and after 3-4 minutes the Light came.

Then I fell asleep again and had this short vision: a vase with beautiful fresh wildflowers stands on the floor in the living room. I say out loud: Who came with this? and a short and stout man with dark boots and little wings on the boots floats down to me and says ” they came from God.” He looks like a plumber – but it is Hermes the messenger of course plumbing his way through my nervous system/energybody and saluting me for at last BEING with all in gratitude.

No more having to find out “where it came from.” Just breathing and being there, curious.

Oh what a wonderful spiritual practice I have! How trustworthy!

Have a great day, all

Game of Transformation


There is a wonderful boardgame called The Transformation Game from Findhorn – where Joy Drake and Kathy Tyler made it some 50 years ago. The famous Angel cards came from that game.

 The presence of Divinity and very humorous playful guides and angels is powerful, the synchronicities are many – as this latest one I played last Saturday. Six hours it took, we both had a unforgettable experience, and at the end of it a great tiredness took me. I told my coplayer ” I think we have to end very soon – my body is telling me.” I asked the Game for feedback – and the Universal Feedback cards answered me No. I went upstairs to get some water, and on the floor laid this shining orange yogi tea tag

and my tiredness just left

Feedback from the Universe

GLORIA

3 miracles!

Yesterday morning: working the usual way with dark energies – suddenly seeing the little girl surrounded by Lightbeings, and  feeling / seeing the light and energy all through her and me. This is being healed now– there is nothing I need to do.

This night: the same deep agony as always – and the deep insight, not to be doubted at all: YOU don’t need to go through this any longer.

It is the I / ME who is removed now. No ME healing stuff – just healing happening through me, me letting it happen. The dark went right through without any trace left.

Third time: even clearer now: I, Leelah, don’t need to do this any longer. Complete relaxation, just allowing it to go through, not being affected at all

 

Healing with Horses – and Access Bars

Saturday I was the lucky receiver of Access Bars – healing – and this was a special variety: The leader had two black Icelandic horses, and as soon as we had placed our massage benches outside the stable, they came to us, attracted by the healing energy of the Bars-process.

The photo at the top shows  Vilja ( Will) yawning and releasing energy – just as healers do 🙂

The horses truly knew where to put the muzzles. Sometime they just stood close by our heads and bodies, quite still, and with a tremendous Presence – other times they were pushing hard with their muzzles, almost bumping them rhythmically into our body. I felt blessing streaming from them, it was magical.

The Slide

I am taking a step in a direction that brings up tremendous fear

Getting used to choosing to not get identified with it, asking for support by Legions of Light and Christ Council.

This night I had a dream that showed me I am supported deeply:

There was this HOLE – from the high level /floor in a building I was standing on, all the way down to the ground – and the hole was edged with humans standing around it, all the way from top to bottom – lined with warm bodies all around the channel from top to bottom.

So I stepped inside it, and there was an ecstasy of feeling HELD, sliding and spiraling softly slowly downwards to the bottom, like being born into the earth-plane and being supported by all humanity

I remembered something Jeshua said in WOM somewhere – that we would be able to “slide down mountains” – the feeling was,”now I know how the sliding feels – and I am sliding and also holding the sliders

For anyone with dissociation and fragmentation

I had quite a miracle happening to me this morning –
 
The last 40 years or so I have been haunted by what doctors have seen on x-rays as a malignant mass in the lungs on the right side – but not malignant enough to operate – since I still can breathe enough to live 🙂 I am a healer and teacher and artist and I have vowed to do my best to free my bodymind from the effects of grave sexual abuse from I was very small and until ca 20 years old. I know I have used a muscle panzer to prevent myself to breathe, since the breath would have put me in contact with memories that would have been devastating for my bodymind and sanity – before NOW.
 
This morning – I am 74 years old now -I at last had arrived at the point where that part of me who had made the decision to stop breathing, now was willing to LISTEN to me. And what has helped me immensely to come to this point, is the old teaching about the five Elements ( I am Earth.) I have a long running with Yoga in many forms – what had such a miraculous effect on me now was the whole thing coming together: the SOUNDS and the MOVEMENTS and the intent and the sacredness of it all.
 
As an artist and an expressive Arts Therapist, I teach the processes that has helped me the most – dancing/moving the energies while holding an intention, and a willingness to let go of control and ask for help from the Soul/Self instead. The 5-element process brought me back to what must have been many lifetimes practicing the old old structures – in a way that makes it all one cohesive surrender-love-dance.
 
My little girl understood that she had to accept what had happened in order to be able to let it go – I had at last succeeded breaching the abyss of isolation. It is my firm belief that it was the YOGI SOUNDS that opened the space for her to accept my presence – and for her lungs to start accepting air into them more fully.
 
So we breathed and sounded into that old isolated space, and suddenly the ice melted – and the most horrendous burning pain flowed through the right upper part of my body. I saw how immensely my muscles have worked in creating that panser – and how it hurt to let freedom into those muscles now. – I allowed and embraced the hurt, and suddenly it were gone.
 
And I feel present
 
How fortunate we are, we who live NOW and have decided to become free – then the right teachers pop up everywhere. Thank you Lauren and Donna and bless your work, I am so grateful

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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