Good bye to ghost stories

Thursday 2-3-17

Today I got my mother back.

It was a memory of music that did it – and most probably a session with Tapas Fleming, the creator of TAT: I was helped to let go of my old attachment to ghosts, as their helper and friend.

My mother has gone since 32 years. Her family and ancestors were also  close to that field of existence. She died from ALS, a really nasty disease. It’s a progressive neurological disease that causes dysfunction of the nerves that control muscle movement. Over time, this leads to muscle weakness, gradually affecting how the body functions, and then you die.

I grew up close to a graveyard – beautiful, peaceful, I saw it as MY garden and played there, mostly alone, except for the ghosts, that I perceived as my friends and wrote storied about. In the session with Tapas, my connection to “having to” be someone who could assist them to go home, was healed – and later I realized, that since the intention of TAT is to include all our ancestors, it certainly included my mother’s lineage. I am convinced that this procedure was essential for what happened the day after, when I had a sharing session with my friend Kit.

In this session, while I was speaking I SAW that both my parents had shown me the light, metaphorically – the place inside that is eternal, all loving, never-changing, radiantly truthful, brimming with life and presence. I shared it with my father in 3 areas:

Listening to music, only the two of us – mostly Mozart. We were joined at that Paradise place, and there were no words there, but perfect oneness. If my mother entered the room, that Paradise was always interrupted: my father went into preaching mode.

He could not share that with  both of us.

And – my mother could never share HER love of music with him, precisely because of this preaching tendency of his – but it happened when I came home from school that I overheard her playing the piano: Musette by Sibelius was her favorite. And mine. (NB: this guy plays it twice as fast as I loved to hear it – but still was the best I found on YouTube.)

And I sneaked up the stairs, and she heard me and stopped immediately, and I begged on my knees that she could play it once more – and some rare times, she consented – and we joined the Place of Light.

As I realized that both parents had shown me this Place, a torrent of tears broke and I sobbed with all my heart. Suddenly I SAW my mother as Spirit – healed and whole and innocent – and all the images of her as ice-cold and hard and rejecting fell away like old snow in April sun. I SAW her in front of me, as soul – on “the other side,” but in complete communication with me -just the same connection I shared when I joined with my mother’s ecstasy in music.

The torrent breaks through almost 70 years of denial – I have insisted of holding on to the image I held of her, the stories about her – and now it simply melted in front of this shared love, our union. The longing for her, the longing to join in LOVE broke through – I sob “my mamma, I long so much to join with you in THIS, and not all those stories from childhood!

There is no blame or anger at all in this longing – and for the first time, I see her Self, no projections now – just pure and whole.

I see her sitting in front of me, but still on the other side – she sits in profile, her head bowed, she is listening intensely with every cell to what I am telling her. At first she sits in shadow, but it lightens every second, and now I see her clearly. An inner earthquake shakes her violently, and still she is fully present within it, allowing these shakings to shake lose everything inside her role as woman and mother.MY mother in this particularly difficult lifetime, where she played the role of a mother who rejects her 4 year old daughter returning home after being group raped.  I sense her gratitude for this release, her joy that all that is false is shaken loose. No sense of guilt and sin, just shedding centuries of false beliefs and victim patterns lodged in cells and DNA.” I shake for both of us” she says, I know that is true. Now the shaking is concentrated in Root and Hara. She burps and belches, does not throw up, but throws her arms in the air and swears and smiles – no devil taking her to hell because she swears – we look right at each other and delight in this freedom.

My father, who played the role of a Dr.Jekyll and Mr. Hyde – person, and who showed contempt of the “concept” of a God, now was seen as playing a role – and I was shown places where he had demonstrated Source consciousness.

In addition to the heavenly music-joining, let me share the chanterelle-paradise

All the times he took me deep into woods, long hikes away from the trail, being guided by his phenomenal knowing where the chanterelle-places were. I remember the energy of him sitting silently down and brushing his hand over moss, like a wizard – creating a large patch of shining yellow chanterelles – and then intensely enjoying my delight at this treasure.

Recapitulating these times today made me see that he had guided me to the Light Itself – and that he therefore HAD the light available to him. The atmosphere in these places brim with light and love for me – and deep joining.

Also when we rowed out to the   open sea and fished – when the vast cloudless skies reflected in the mirror as dead calm sea, and  same oneness embraced us in timeless silent space.

When I understood that they HAD shown me Home, both of them – I knew without a morsel of doubt that we all had played in a drama we had chosen to explore as souls – and our roles were perfect. Now I could SEE the Truth of them both, and the joy of recognition was indescribable.

The day after, my daughter the musician visited and played the Musette for me. And my mother was present, glowing with joy.

All traces of ‘ghost’ about her – vanished

*

8/3 More release

Today  with  Heather ,I found that my Mount of Venus really was the shield of a big mother Turtle –  and that her shield stopped the insanity in my father’s energy during the sex to come into the womb. And so, my daughter did not have to swim in that womb energy for 9 months.  And has not been subjected to this energy, as i was.

Seeing that – and honoring that defense-mechanism (= turtle shield-) started an avalanche of releases. I saw how all my defense-places in this body had created their patterns out of the need to keep all parts of me safe – and now, the time has come to be brave enough and ready – to release them all.

At the end of the session I was sitting with a profound cold in the lower body – and heard Blue – my voice for Christ – remind me: “It’s not about becoming warm – to have “succeeded” in this – it is about just noticing exactly where you are RIGHT NOW, and honoring this – trusting the process.”

 

people pleasing – and being genuine

FALLING

On my photo trip today…new snow, quite gray and quiet – I was listening to Jennifer McLean instructing us in a Spontaneous Transformation process, where we would spot an emotion and finding it inside the body. I spoke out loud: Its in the middle of my chest, and my feet disappeared up in the air and BANG.

At the same time, I sensed the anger of “that” in the chest – it did NOT want to be found, or “messed with” as it called it. I immediately felt a wave of tenderness and told it I was HERE for it, and i saw how territorial it was, how super strong it had had to protect this area/trauma.

There came a huge crying from that part – a release of having been found and NOT being in trouble for that.

And then it simply fell asleep – relaxing for the first time in aeons maybe.

Then I took a photo, where all the photo gods assisted:

imgp0465At home, the aspect woke up and we went through the process

I am so very grateful for this Spontaneous Transformation Training I have taken. SO simple, so effective.

The warehouse of support

Jennifer McLean speaks about “The warehouse of support” in her last program: 5 Power Attunements.

I have started a new habit – for each week to write down a support somebody gave me. And today I noticed that its not about noticing synchronicity any more – everything is supporting me, being meaningful.

Feel free to laugh! Loudly! But my white Amaryllis supports me in showing how i don’t rest, I just grow grow grow so much and so fast that the flowers withers inside the buds, (I opened one to look) and the stem is 13 inches long. And hollow, as I noticed when I cut one down to give the other flower more power.

I understood this when I talked to it and told it to cool down –  its is the flowers that I want to see, not the great length of those stems.

Hollow! what a metaphore

I need to rest.

Being with where i am and how i feel, allowing myself to be nurtured.

Sitting.

I think I am going to buy a new Amaryllis.

So – I went to the nearest mall – or warehouse  – bought groceries – walked back across a field with a sledging hill. The sledging hill was part of the path, so I walked it, noticing 3 children at the top, waiting with their toboggans.. A miniature sledger, about 2 years,  looking me angry in the face, wanted to know how I had the gall to walk up their sledging hill.

They are playing. I am limiting their play – I am in the way.

My intellect/achieving part is in the way of

PLAYING

I still have a lot of beliefs about the importance of being useful and good – and I make the players wait while i walk it

Priorities, Mrs Saachi! In any spiritual path, seriousness about it prolongs the path

OK then

This is from a game I play on an author-forum: one of us gives an altered phrase, and then any of us can offer an explanation. The sillier the better.

The Old Man and the Pea

When Ernest was about four, he already composed verses. Like this:
My old man he has a knee,
and he is very fond of tea,
and when he eats his little pea
he does it to avoid the flea.
This poem was cited very very often during the years that follow, until his father one day said, exasperated, forgodssakeErnie, can’t you rather write  about an old man and the sea instead.. Ernie resisted until he was 59 years old. He just didn’t like to be told what to do.

 

 

More door-bell signals

I was working with my tax form, and sensed a panic arising. The door-bell sounded. AHA! Door-bell = ALARM…there is an alarm-energy in me when it comes to being “accountable” and PERFECT and trustworthy for the authorities, or else I will be put in jail ( believes little Leelah.)  Make no mistakes, in other words!

When the bell sounds, I immediately sense the alarm AS energy. I am fully present for it, and it is sheer heaven!

I enjoy it fully, and then go back to my account. – Within 5 seconds, the bell sounds again!

Showing me how strong that “going into alarm-habit” is.

This time I put the papers away and just SIT with it.

Went for a long walk, and the release was there all the time

 

 

Door-bell signals – from the wilderness

I have decided for decades  that I want the Universe to mirror to me where I go unconscious and where I need to heal and forgive. The Universe has been very very cooperative – including mirroring me via PC(freezing up,) cellphone : NO energy at aaaalllll – and can’t get charged! and also via my outdoor lamp that lightens up when it is dark outside – or, in my case, light goes out when it shouldn’t, and comes on again when I have found the places where I hold on to darkness( read:false beliefs of limitation  – and fear.) It comes on again by me just realizing where I have been in error, and being happy about being shown.

Lately, the door-bell has sounded several times when nobody has been there.

The first times I freaked out, there was a ghostly energy about it. So I sat down and asked for help, and was told that this was a part of me that I had violently dismissed and judged and feared and hated –  old incarnation. The energy imprint of it is still there in my soul – could I just sit with the part of me who I had judged so intensely, and just listen to it, and find out why it had behaved in this way?

It showed me the acts were done from  intense fear, and needing to protecting itself, out of the beliefs it had at that time – which were that it was guilty and sinful and completely separated from God’s Love. Or so it believed, at that time – that separation IS possible.

I know better now – and I chose to be with that part. When it noticed that it was not alone, and not judged, things happened very fast – in just five minutes or so, warm clouds of love arose to embrace us.

I thought that was it – but since then, it has happened again. The spooky feeling has abated a little – and I have sat with that new aspect too.

Today it happened again – This time, there were no spooky energies –  and I sat down and was guided to pick up a new book I have bought: Circle of Grace by Jan Richardson. Wanton Gospeller Press.

I opened it on this verse:

Blessing that meets you in the Wilderness.

Last verse, that my first finger pointed at:

“Let this blessing be

the road that

returns you.

let it be

the strength to carry

the wilderness

home.”

©Jan Richardson. janrichardson.com

This happened the first time in 2014.

It’s moves me to read now the insight I got at that time:

All the ways I have tricked myself  into accepting the blame for others’ wrongdoings.

This was a thought I got – and the door-bell signal came the second i had thought it: PAY ATTENTION!
That’s how strong that energy was, in that sentence – in that truth:

All the ways I have tricked myself  into accepting the blame for others’ wrongdoings

*

So now I am the place where I truly let that belief go – that I need to accept blame for others’ wrongdoings. And instead be returned to my Self, and carry my (be)wilderness Home.

Shame – and infertility

Shame is part of the energy of separation: “there is something wrong with you.”

In the One Mind – us all as ONE -this strange idea seeped in  – that there could be an opposite of this One, an opposite of LOVE. And in the second where we, as Spirit, believed in this thought, separation happened – or seemed to happen

And I –  and we  – who want to wake up to our original state of Oneness – and stay there:) – know that when we identify with the dark feelings/energies, Oneness has gone – or better: we have left it.

Particularly when it comes to menstrual cramps, is this important to know – since shame is toxic, and when we identify with it (this goes for me too, of course)- attach a story about “me” to it – it turns against us and creates havoc with our inner and outer sexual organs – that now have the manifestation of something wrong and shameful and painful attached to it.

We then think it is ours – since we think we are this separated body, and not our true identity, which is abstract eternal Spirit. And what we think is ours, we protect.

So the pain stays until we are willing to consider  what we truly are – and from that Place, talk to that pain, that shame-infected part in the womb.

I  had  a women in therapy who could not have children – and just after a few sessions opened up to the pain that was deeply repressed about being unworthy as woman and shortly after, became pregnant. I truly see the magnitude of power our belief in shame has when it comes to  stopping women from becoming pregnant. It seems to me it is really the womb that believes it must stop life to come into it, since it is so shameful.

If you are a woman – consider how different it would feel to know that the energy of shame is not who you are – in fact, you can relate TO it with LOVE. Particularly  because you ARE it not, YOU can choose to beam Love into it. You don’t do this in order to heal it or change it – that would make that awkward energy of “trying to change things” – instead you are realizing that in the beginning, there was Light – and you were there, AS that Light within the Light.

This collective feminine shame of the womb and inner and outer genitalia – and even sexual feelings – nakedness – is in fact like a curse on the Divine Mother.

We all carry the archetype with us. Women identify with her, men relate to the archetype through their mother,sister and lovers. As long as we women haven’t healed our part of that collective shame, we will carry parts of it as menstrual cramps and  sexual related diseases.

So I was playing with this today, in a session – and  we saw  how deeply we identify with the pain. Instead of realizing that we ARE the witness of it: neutral, loving,all-accepting, who can never be changed or harmed. But because we know that, we can choose to send love in to the pain.

Not to change it or fix it – that intention creates a confused energy – we just set an intention to BE who we are – that Original Light, created in God’s image – and intend to beam a light from our heart into the pain.

We are not responsible to heal it. We just Love because Love is who we are, and we choose to beam this love just because it feels terrific.

And in that allowance, it becomes so clear  to me that the shame in itself is just neutral energy – believing the stories ABOUT it and saying “it is me or mine” creates the pain and maintains the separation.

 

God is Playing

This is what I call these nudges and “coincidences” that constantly push me in the direction of awakening.

Outside of this path in the wood it is icy and slippery surface. I have crampons strapped on my boots. In my language, crampons and “sting” means the same – as in “Death, where is thy sting?”

Readers will probably have noticed that I live and am constantly nudged into awakening by my Higher Self, which I call Blue – by symbols and metaphors.

These happened today – after I had fully surrendered control to the Self Who know the Plan and has all the cards and knows all the steps in their perfect timing.

I stand in the dark wood, taking photos of dark and light – I am fascinated at the light I can see right outside the wood, shining in through trees standing very close.

Right in front of me the sun is shining in from my left, creating a shining path of Light. My heart starts to beat hard, a sign to pay attention. I know that stepping inside that path of light will feel blissful.

This is how it looks, right before I step into it.

(I have an mp3 player on, playing a podcast from a comedian.)

entrance-to-gloria

The comedian introduces a female group who sings a Christmas Psalm. The moment I step into that light, they sing: Gloria in Excelsis Deo and repeat in long enough until I become truly aware of the synchronicity.

Next photo:gloria-in-excelcis-deo

Here I am one step away.

And here I turn toward the sun and become aware of the Gloria, being repeated and sung again and again.

looking-right-into-gloria

Time disappears.

Then I walk on, and soon discover that I have lost my crampon on the right foot – or, as I would call it: the “sting.” When I search for sentences with “sting”, I find, ” Death, where is Thy sting?”

I decide to walk back until i find it. I don’t find it, and return to the shining light path. Right there – where I stood – lies my “sting.” It is of thick rubber with metal crampons/stings-it is very surprising that it can come off by itself at a place where I just stood still.

After some steps I realize that I lost my “sting” exactly in the place where I left the dark and entered the Light, knowing it was sacred.

Thank you, Blue!

*

Next sign: A new comedian talks – about Plato. “ He knew that reality lies outside of the world/ the cave.”

In this exact moment, the mp3 freezes up – and i realize that this is the same theme as the first:  Gloria and Reality lies in Light, outside the world.

3 sign:

At home, I hit my right hand ring-finger nail/tip against something.It has always been extraordinary sensitive to be touched, and today the pain is overwhelming. Thank you for this sign – I sit down with the intention to find what wants my attention and healing.

“Milk!” Ah…this has to do with mother’s milk. – My mother’s milk was toxic and I could not digest it properly. My soul understood that I had a mommy with poison inside her. I could not KNOW this, so I denied and repressed it . NOW it bursts forth with a torrent of tears and loud crying. “I don’t want this mama!” It lasts for a couple of moments, and then there is deep peace and warmth spreading all through me.

And  profound gratitude.

Union in January

Some days ago, my thread-less doorbell sounded. It did not play the whole tune, just two repetitive notes – like a cuckoo.  And nobody was there – but the impulse had been given: let me in.

For those who has followed this blog for a while, you may remember all the times the entrance-light has teamed up with me – it has refused to turn itself on when it is dark outside, so I have been nudged to find that place in me where I have darkened my light. And each time I have found that place and remembered that it is just a mistake, the light has turned itself on.

My immediate response to the call from the invisible was sheer panic. The energy felt vile,threatening,deadly, I felt spooked and sat down and prayed for assistance. I was shown that this was a part of my soul and being that wanted to be allowed to return – and that it felt so dark because it had been so violently repressed throughout centuries.

I gave a promise that I allowed it – remembering that I could trust the process.

Yesterday the doorbell cuckoo-ed again.

The same feelings of dread came.

I had just returned after a particularly nasty experience with my dental hygienist – I had a scaling. She had dripped the anesthetic into my mouth instead of rubbing it at the gums, a place in my throat went numb and it affected my breathing. And I did not dare to  blame her, point this out as an error. I was transported back to the worst traumas where I had anesthetized myself  and established a coping mechanism of not saying a word or showing any sign of distress at all.

So in the night when the fears returned, I did a Spontaneous Transformation on it.

I found the aspect of me that I had established as a protector: it was inexorable like the medieval inquisitors and torturers. It threatened, accused ,degraded, hated, hated and hated some more. Thor the Threatener and Thorturer.

There was an instant release in the energy the moment I noticed him ( in my lungs and heart-area) and saw him with love and no judgments. I saw how he had protected my psyche from going insane, and from speaking up, which certainly would have been very dangerous. So I honored him and felt waves of gratitude flowing in. I then saw him looking at little Leelah with very different eyes – and I turned my full attention to the receiver of his hatred and control the last 70 years:  lets call this aspect little Lee.

She was encouraged to feel what Thor so masterfully had prevented her to feel as long as she was not held and loved, like now.There was rage, impotence, deep agony and fear of seeing what was done to her, guilt and shame and a deep belief of unworthiness – for sure she had to be guilty to deserve such treatment.

The fun thing was that while she expressed and felt her feelings, Thor was watching with great compassion and tenderness.

I had to switch between to the two – since Thor occasionally fell into deep self-hatred for what he had subjected little Lee to – but all the time it was possible to keep them apart: honoring them both had made that opening.

And the final phase was beautiful – the more I loved and fully honored both of the aspects, the closer they moved to each other until they embraced like old friends who had not met in eons. The energy of this reunion was blissful

I, as their neutral and loving Observer, asked them if they would like to do a closing ceremony – finding a word that expressed their most prominent state there and then. Thor the Thoughtful said, “I am Truth.” It gives me the shudders to write it. Little Lee said: “I am Peace. And Joy!”

I made a circle with them in my mind’s eye and they repeated their true identities.

DOG

The last 3 years or more, whenever I have met a dog, there is a furious barking at me. My neighbor’s two dogs go crazy when they see me. It is not fun at all. I get that there is a furious “dog-energy” inside me that I still haven’t made peace with.

Two days ago, a dog barked wildly on my lawn under my bedroom, 2 am – running frantic to and fro.I went out and yelled at it to go home, a huge rage was in me, and it felt like it was actually acting that out FOR me, making me aware of the energy within me that i until then had judged.

Same morning, my neighbor came out to walk her two dogs the very second I was opening my door.The dogs were in a leach, and  barked and charged  at me like crazy.

This  anger-mirroring became even more clear when yesterday, a visiting dog next to my neighbor ran out of their door and stood peeping at me through my fence. It was orange and its look was fierce. Then it too started its wild barking and came charging at me. I pretended I was trained by Cesar Millan and radiated calm assertive energy ( or intended to!) It charged in a bow around me and ran to my door – and then stood on its hind legs, barked wildly and begged to be let in.

Then its owner came running. She did not look at me at all! But she yelled at the dog: this is not your house! you do not live here! and reluctantly, the dog turned around and followed her. Not once did she look at me – like I was invisible.

Later I had two friends visiting for Christmas. Late evening we started to talk about anger, I shared the dog-incidents and that I thought they were mirroring old anger in me. Something deep in me relaxed – having been shared and not kept inside a cloak of shame.

I could not sleep. The body felt like filled with angry ants, eaten alive from inside – and I started to realize that this happened FOR me, not TO me. I wanted to do Spontaneous Transformation on the aspect that carried this tremendous inner irritation. For almost 2 hours I focused on the chest, where I found the aspect, and told it “I see you, I am here for you, I am not leaving.” I drifted in and out of spacing out, but suddenly, the connection was made – the aspect KNEW it was witnessed, not alone, not denied, not judged anymore. The next hour, the  intense itching/rash abated,and I got some hours sleep.

This morning I went up early to hike high in the mountain to see the sunrise – and to pray as Jeshua teaches us in Way of Mastery, as the closing ceremony of this year’s training. As I crossed the road to take the path up the mountain, I passed close to four sled-dogs living in a little shed of their own outside  a farm. And a concert started: no barking this time – just a wild howling for four voices. I was aware that my energy was changed – and I got he idea that this was a singing to my honor: I had truly owned that wild attack energy in the night, no more resistance to it, no fear or judgments – it felt like I was one of them.. a wolf-pup being accepted into the tribe.

I taped it on my little recorder. Tears were running, great release.

The howling continued until I had passed their house.

Then I climbed the hill, watched the sunrise, prayed and received the Light, It felt wonderful beyond description, and I was filled with joy and gratefulness.

At the path down again, I heard a click to my right, and it was my cellphone that had taken a photo. This one:

dsc_0865

This green heart…I looked into the ditch by the trail at right, it was a heart shaped stone covered with moss. I took a deliberate photo of it:

dsc_0866

I felt blessed. I met people with dogs coming toward me on the trail, the dogs did not notice me at all, and we humans  wished each other  a Joyous Christmas. There were lots of smiles.

Close to my house, my closest neighbor was out walking her 2 dogs. For the first time in years, no reactions at me at all – but a big smile and hug from her.

I am blessed

 

 

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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