Clinging to suffering – and PLAY

In Spontaneous Transformation  I have always loved that Jennifer McLean  speaks about PLAY: – we are not “working” with ourselves, we are playing. That word was my main reason for ordering her free book – and from there on, I was all in.

As I play with STT through the last year, I notice that frequently ancestral stuff comes up – and also age old collective material, waiting to be seen and transformed. This morning the pains in the body were indescribable, and asking for guidance I was told to open When Fear Comes Home to Love – the book  I wrote about fear- archetypes that constitutes all kind of abuse, and ways to relating to them with love and creativity (play).

This is where my finger landed:

***They are unconsciously clinging to their own suffering.***

AH! that’s what I am doing – that’s the reason for the pain!

And with that realization, it simply went away as if it never existed.

I read the paragraph:

“They have forgotten that it is all part of the drama; they have confused themselves with the roles they are playing. By never recognizing their self-hatred, the soul attracts again and again the same form of abuse or self-punishment. Because of its severity the soul cannot stand to look at it, remember, feel and heal. It prefers to “forget” – and as I told you: what we resist, persists. The soul sees itself as a victim, then – “I have not the power to create my life, because of X” and consequently puts its power “out there.”

The voice in this text is my guidance. He came up one night 32 years ago where I was for years plagued with attacks from darkness. I started to speak my agony into a little recorder, and then “I” pretended that I was God and answered me. Luckily I wrote down those answers, and then a publisher out of the blue called me and asked ” shouldn’t you write a book?”
And I understood that these dialogues would be part of it – and that I wanted to find out WHAT creates the demonic

With Jeshua – or “Blue” that I called him for years – I did that – and I used stories from my patients and myself.

This morning I looked for that part in me / us all/ who think they are unforgivable, and therefore is unconsciously clinging to guilt and suffering.I was taken to disasters,massacres,what have you – and the only thing I found out to do was being the embodied compassionate Mother, embracing that pain -and honoring their old feelings:OF COURSE you held on to these thoughts – you had learned, as we all do, that we have to suffer and be punished for our bads. One image was vivid – having been accused of exploding a beautiful planet – and believing I was guilty because of it.

WHAT IF that really was part of the the big plan?

I love the process now in my STTs, where the work lets me find this deep guilt and allow the system to express itself and be met with all love.

If somebody wants a STT session pr Skype, the first one is half price

Choosing the right mind

Yesterday my friend Myron Jones described a situation with a client which she habitually interpreted from the ego= BAD. She felt bad too, and remembered that she could cancel her  perception and forgive herself – and then choose to realign with Holy Spirit / the Right Mind instead.

All grievances fell away

This stood out in lightning gold for me.

 

This night, I had a dream where I was with my first love this life. Almost 50 years ago – and still, when i dream we are together, my heart is filled with pure bliss.

We are going to be married, and he takes me to his white big house – kind of a farm, or maybe a guest-house. Outside of it is a winter landscape I dream of often:  a ski-slope in the high mountains. And now the ego took over in the dream, and I saw the rooms as untidy, I saw refugees in some rooms, they were dirty and anxious and aggressive. I felt so bad at the thought of having to clean all of it up and make rules for everybody there to live in harmony.

Then I woke up, and realized that I expected to know how to do this through the anxiousness of the ego.Awake now, I stated my intention to align with Christ instead – “what is my role in this house?”

The release was so sweet. I, as “Leelah-personality” was to do nothing else that sink into my heart and allow it be shown to me. It became clear that as long as I was aligned, and “the others” would sense it, all would fall into the most beautiful perfect pattern.

This day I decided to recognize when I had choosing ego – just  by the crappy feelings I had – and it is amazing how helpful it has been – quick shifts from desperation to giggles.

So I felt really optimistic about this, and then I started to cough the painful cough again. I sensed all of that energy in the chest – and then the solar Cplexus – with a new willingness to truly allow it to dissolve. I sat down and breathed, and said ” I know I am the source of this. I TRULY want to dissolve this, no judgement, no resistance – I KNOW that Love has created it to be able to transform it.”

I instantly saw and felt the energy  of some ago-old impressions from sexual predators – including my father in his mr. Hyde-mode – and knew that THIS was what was behind the cough. I remembered the moment this energy first entered my body in this life – and my decision to stuff it away and make it invisible for myself. From that decision has later arisen a huge need to “save” the abusers. I have written about that in “When Fear Comes Home to Love” – and how this “savior-co-dependent-pattern” can be healed.

So I rested there, and there were cramps and strong dizziness,  strong sweating, almost fainting – and no resistance to it. I felt certain that I was resting in God. Strong pains flowed from solar plexus down the right side of my body and out.  I am being told that I will need to allow patience around it, and repeat it when nudged to do so.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Spiritual ego

Sarita Premely offered this link recently on Facebook:

https://www.orindaben.com/pages/rooms/orin_meditation_room/
I remembered that I had all Orin’s books and read and practiced his meditations about 20 years ago. It faded out as A Course in Miracles came more in the foreground – and my spiritual ego – speego – judged ACIM to be more high-brow and Orin [I]so [/I]new-agey, so I let those books go

I hope the ones who have them  now truly will benefit from them, as I at last have

Two meditations above all have been powerful: “Clearing blockages” and “Opening to your true identity”. I was able to hold the situation I wanted cleared and allow light to come into it – and it worked!The situations were “deep depressions and suicidal thoughts in the morning” and “disaster-thoughts” – meaning the Amygdala going overboard.

No depression this morning – no disaster thoughts – and a dream where what can be called “vulnerability” – the complete exposedness of private functions like peeing and pooping, was done in a dream room with men. They were completely neutral about it – this was obviously a public toilet room (with only one toilet) and all were cool about it – like it was the most natural in the world. Which it of course is – we all do it:)

The clou came when “my” toilet appeared to be clogged up and poop was everywhere – and another man came and fixed the drain.

Oh my god there was no “me” anywhere – just witnessing that the shit was taken care of by someone who knew the drill to make it disappear in the way it was supposed to – through drains that were not clogged up – nay, open

At no time, there were judgments about this –  and no shame whatsoever
What a healing process I am in

Thanks to Rosie Maria who laid herself open recently in another thread -it was the way she described it that made the impact on me – the neutrality and shame-less-ness

In the meditations, we were asked to hold the situation we wanted healed in a certain way ( you gotta listen to the med. to see how that is :)) While it lasted, there were wild pains in the body, and so much tenderness  and innocence around it all –  I did them several times: most of them are short. And then came a biggy – so relevant for all of us here: the old memory of being abused and tricked by spiritual teachers. Oh yes that ugly one

– and oh yes, it is not entirely unthinkable that i have not been one of those teachers – I remembered being told in a reading that once I had used that position to have sex from the beautiful women who adored me –
oy vey

And then this thought quick as a lightening presented itself:
What about the teachers on the Jewel – promising to do the lessons and posting, like you all – DID THEY DO THAT, EH? EH? DID THEY? They did NOT, liars they are  hhrrmpphhs

So I sat with that theme – that situation -allowing the full impacts of believing in the thought that I can be tricked,abused,attacked – embracing it in Love – and the visuals were just perfect for me.  I sensed the whole of it being filled with light. And of course, in the middle of it it dawned on me – “Leelah – did you really go to their personal sites and look?”

Hm nooo…I thought I would get a message in my mail when they did – but – that will happen only with the threads I post in

Oh cringe

So I did go to Jayem  and John Mark – and will go the others too
and I read and cried of reading their thought and experiences that were my own thoughts and experiences, and was restored to alignement

There are no mistakes

LOVE TO ALL

Going Home/being HERE

Todays post is answers to lesson 6 in “The Jewel of the Christ Mind Course”   a one year online Course. The bold blue quotes are from Jesus/Jeshua

The essence of coming to Presence as I see it:
1) STOP and come back to NOW
2)Breathe, and remember Who is breathing
3) Notice without judging, with interested curiosity – embracing it

*
3 questions for the Christ Child:

Precious child I love, how can I support you?

Allow warmth to come into this cold. Breathe LovesBreath into it

What do you most need from me?

To BE WITH ME and embrace me – and not only to sit with and breathe: To play, to experiment with art – poetry,stories,dance,textiles,music,movement -to experience being one with creation instead of being the part you project all your horrors on to

Is there any change I could make that would allow you to flower even more?

Take a session with Zach Rehder for help with really being with these energies- and learn to accept gifts.

( An editor just offered me his service for free – and I notice that I think that IF I accept it, he will secretly be displeased, and the grievance will turn to hatred, and then he will come and attack me.)

I notice the strong link I have built in my mind between men’s ill-will with me ( which means I must conform 100% to their expectations) and then a sudden brutal and vicious attack. I have worked with this complex consciously since I was 23 in all kind of therapies and trainings and being initiated into many traditions – and 25 years as therapist with my patients and myself. My book When Fear Comes Home to Love is the result of that – and still this strong energetic link is felt in my nervous system between the thought of being FREE and visible to violent attack – and there is always insanity connected to this attack.
*
This must be the experience I most need to be having right now, as more of Christ Mind is birthing into, and through me.

Something in me truly knows this to be true. Which means that all those insane and violent attacks I was forced to participate in as a small child and, and also to be forced into the role of perpetrator to make me guilty and one of “them” – this is where the Christ Mind NOW can be birthed into, and explore the healing that is available HERE TOO. Writing this, a wave of gratitude comes – how glad I am that this HAS happened and that I HAVE these experiences now – so I can allow the Light that I am as Christ to embrace all those energies, suffuse them, transform them.

Here are three images I painted years ago of exactly this: I knew it then too, but have worked to integrate it all the years since then.

1) Red attacks the Blue/Christ –

2) The Blue embraces it, it starts to dissolve –

3 and 4) The dissolutions continues, and in the fourth stage, the attack-energy has become a Menorah –

I have needed a lot of time to birth this – smiling

“There have been no wrong turns on your journey. You have never failed, and you have never sinned.”

Icecold. Spacing out. Breathing. Strong wishes of retaliating, making the others suffer as they make me. Deep and venomous hatred.

“There have been no wrong turns on your journey. You have never failed, and you have never sinned.”

Deep yawning, the sickness abates. I bless the energy within the sickening forms, invite it Home in my Blue Christness – chest warm, whole lower body ice cold – breathing into it – surrendering to it now –
“I” am not doing this, Christ is doing it through Leelah – I hear screams from massacres and battlegrounds, from concentration camps and machete slaughterings – from everybody that perceives themselves to be righteously mistreated and wants to stop it with any means at all —-

Deep doubts: I have done this for 27 years, and still I feel the fear of being visible –

And the answer:: “and for each time you have been willing, one more piece of it has been integrated”

WOW! what a gift: when I copied this over from a word-doc, that one sentence was left out – so i had to return to the original and really take this in: “and for each time you have been willing, one more piece of it has been integrated”

A tremendous hateful part hisses to me, DO NOT HOPE!!!

There is Love all around that, (just as the pictures show,) and now my belly is warm. – That’s where the “haterer” is – yawning – “I WILL not hope and be shocked again – and again – when I have opened up – it is torture”

Sweetie, I am right here, take all the time you want to get use to this space

“There have been no wrong turns on your journey. You have never failed, and you have never sinned.”

WOW! Looking at the doc I am writing now, I discover that I have repeated that quote from Jeshua three times – and each time I have believed, “that is a great quote, I want that here – – -and not discovered I have already written it down twice before

There has been no separation at all … our resistances, judgments, and especially our guilt, occurred because we thought what was going on was different than what was and eternally is, going on. (Jeshua,Jewel Course.)

Sitting with that, allowing it take root

“You have heard it said this world is a world of shadows. It is not just a metaphor.
It happens to be true. While shadows are illusory, it does not follow that they be left untransformed.
For what you leave untransformed retains the power to bind you in its spell. It will continue to do so, until YOU decide to learn who you are by being the power of Love‟s Presence that heals all things.” . (Jeshua,Jewel Course.)

*
Wonder Questions:

1. What are three significant experiences you have believed you should not have had?
(Be vigilant against assuming these are just ‘negative’ experiences. When faced with overwhelming joy, “luck”, others’ gratitude, or miracles, don’t we often shake our heads, hold our breath, and try to deflect or minimize it????)

I have sat this the whole week. Many has presented itself, but the answer is always: None. Without everything, I would not have had the experiences and the learnings I have

2. What is it that you have found most difficult to trust?

That even when the experiences feels excruciating, they are NOT “wrong” – I am not wrong – they are pathways into human darkness and ignorance as soon as I don’t judge my small self for having them – for not being “worthy.” – Oh there’s a lot of that going on –

3. Do you trust, really trust , your Creator?

My ca 2o A4 journals filled with my images and processes show me that God is always available in every situation. I DO really trust my Creator –
It is ME I don’t trust – God’s One Son, choosing to judge myself for what happens to me – seeing it as character-faults that takes away my God-given worth, making me wrong,making others wrong – not recognizing they are me in disguise, mirroring back to me what I need to see and lift in to forgiveness and innocence

And right now, after writing this down in one go, seeing that I am trusted to do the best I can to wake up –

I bless myself in my ability to choose love
I bless myself in my true nature
I bless myself in my willingness to hang in here

AMEN

 

Father and son

I sensed his energy already before he dumped down in the bus seat beside me. Everything stood still inside me – huge fear- the energy that he brought, and acted out from, was all “Fuckeat” – energy – an archetype of violence, abuse and dominance that is described in my book “When fear Comes Home with Love.”

I froze – and then remembered that I am here to BE Love – therefore, him sitting down was an opportunity for me to BE with the energy and to BE the space of Love where it could be witnessed.

Judgment flared up like a volcano when he slapped his baby son on his lap hard – twice – on its little hands. This baby was obviously used to it – it did not cry, just whimpered, and got a strong expression of worry.

I recognized that feeling inside my mind: “I have done something wrong and am punished – and for me, there is no recognition of why.”

I felt sick now, but still blessed the father silently in his true nature, again and again.

I was shown a bloodline of fathers like him – in this case, Moslem fathers who think their boy-babies have to be taught by pain and fear when their expression is not up to the standard for what is correct male behavior.

I saw his wife sitting there, across the isle – with another little boy beside her. He was looking down as the father hit his baby, and was smiling a stiff smile.

The wife looked like she was 19-20. Her eyes, watching her husband, were devoid of any life and presence – I recognized that energy/memory inside myself too and forgave it. She had taken refuge in that space where “this does not happen. I can do nothing about it that would not make it worse.”

As I felt sicker and sicker, drawn longer into merging with the Fuckeat-archetype, I heard a suggestion inside: “Holy Son of God, give me your blessing.”

Yes – there it was: they were playing out for me something in MY mind that had not yet been fully forgiven- and it was in my mind that I now forgave myself for choosing to see the Son of God in a violent manner. I blessed him again – and again – and there came a soft peace, the father rose from his seat and sat down elsewhere – I saw him relating to two other children.

His wife was looking at him now – they were quietly talking – and she was completely present, unfearful, and love poured out of her eyes to her husband

The Fuckeat structure in my mind had opened itself to yet another layer of healing – and all because I was truly willing to SEE beyond brutality to his true Self.

When they left the bus some minutes later, I saw two other children – at least 8-10 years old – they were all smiling, and I saw his father – pride in them

Sharing this with you had also started yet another release of Fuckeat-energies

Thank God

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fun virtual forgiveness meditation

http://www.alexandermarchand.com/quantum-forgiveness-meditation

Last review for When Fear Comes Home to Love

…for which I am truly grateful 🙂 *

 

January 10, 2015

By

Andrea from Africa – See all my reviews

This review is from: When Fear Comes Home to Love: The healing gifts of art, play and forgiveness (Paperback)

This beautiful book came to me (as it does) via the Holy Spirit, in answer to some questions I had. Every page is rich in inspiration, a road map to healing, through play, art, and the investigation of archetypes. The dialogues with the Holy Spirit are simply ‘wow” and Leelah’s story of moving from the pain and burden of abuse, from profound fear to love, healing and freedom is a reminder of what is possible for us all. I am only a third of the way through the book, and wish to highly recommend it to A Course in Miracles students, as well as to anyone else who is engaged in the courageous journey of self discovery and healing.

Attack

“You are the work of God, and his work is wholly lovable and wholly loving. This is how a man must think of himself in his heart, because this is what he is.” A Course in  Miracles

I sent a mail to Lisa about my long and hard depression. She answered that I had to stop hiding – among other things 🙂 I have been afraid to serve at the Prayer Team at the Teachers of God-site – afraid of falling into the old role and pattern of believing I am responsible for other persons wellbeing. I have described this “helper”-archetype precisely and with love in my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love” – but it still remained part of what I saw as “me.”

In the one mind is a deep belief that “I” can be attacked – that has been thoroughly been played out for me in this and countless other incarnations in thinkable and unthinkable versions – my holding on to that belief as real has truly manifested. About 20 years ago, where the physical attacks had stopped many years ago, but the psychic attacks at night still were ghastly, I started talking into my little recorder that I had in bed to talk dreams into. I pretended to talk to God and allowed my pretend-God to answered. After some nights with this, listening to all the recordings, I saw that this was not a pretend-God – it was Love, educating me, speaking to me where I thought I was – a tortured victim. I was taught how the demonic was only repressed feelings and needs, deeply judged and demonized – and that they could only be healed with Love.

In the chapter “Fuckeat – hatred of needs and vulnerability” in “When fear Come Home to Love”, I mention one of my most important teachers – the Tibetan saint Milarepa. There are many versions of the story of Milarepa and the demons – I like the one where Milarepa after offering them tea, sings sweetly to the demons, and all disappear but one grisly beast. And when Mila puts his head into its foul mouth to find out what it needs, it vanishes too.

Mila was just not eatable. And I have decided that I am not eatable anymore either.

*

This morning I saw that I was hiding from my Self as long as I was holding on to the belief that if I don’t please and satisfy the person sending a request for help on the Prayer Team with my answer to them, they may seek me up and kill me. I have been told that countless times from I was a baby, so it is firmly embedded in the structure I call “me.”

Writing this now, I realize with a shudder that the intense threats and vicious violent brutality that I experienced from I was small, was just a part of the very attacker/violator-archetype in my mind – in the One Mind. And that holding on to the thought that this is REAL – that is, created by God – keeps the separation going.

I/One Mind/ am the source of this. I judge it not. I extend forgiveness to myself for dreaming it up. It is a thought in the mind that I keep alive as long as I keep acting out that I am in constant danger of new attacks if I don’t give people what they think they want. I see that as long as I see it as valuable to protect myself – by not being part of the prayer-team – I am telling myself that I CAN be attacked.

And that keeps the fear and victim-story in place.

I am not willing to do that any longer.

I am the source of this story. Holy Spirit, here it is – simple: thoughts from confused mind, believed in. All of the incarnations as a victim I have created – and the insane anger and hatred that I have SO feared and experienced in this and other incarnations – is part of this belief pattern in my mind. Thank God, I have seen this now, and do not any longer need to project it on attackers outside of me.

Lisa – I am in 🙂

 

Seeing through the abuse-archetype

Some days ago I had a strong healing session with Kelle. The same night,Lisa Natoli told me in a group-call that I need to stop telling myself the story that I am sleepless through the last 26 years and that nothing has changed that. She pointed to our Godgiven power that what we say is true becomes true for us. And I DO believe that!

So I listened to our taped conversation in bed and stated my willingness to tell a new story. I told myself I slept like a baby and awoke fresh and vibrant. That night and next morning felt like before – but I still stated to myself that I slept like a baby, and in the night I got the clear impulse to just disregard all fear-and-gloom-thoughts. When they came, I chose to just resting in what felt GOOD in the body – or an inner beautiful image. This went very well for hours. And the next night – this last one – I was aware that I really was willing to drop the thought that “nothing helps for good.” I looked at it and it had lost its charge.

It all came out of my CHOICE to tell myself another story

And this night I slept better – and I had a dream which turned out to have immense healing properties.

My daughter – in the dream a child about 9-10 – told me that her cousin had a man visiting, and he was scary and disgusting. Dream-Leelah told her with flat denial-voice that she should not occupy herself with such things – “it will be all right” – and my daughter looked at me with utter hopelessness.

Awake, I realized that my reaction was an internalization of how MY mother had reacted when I told her similar stories. I sensed the disgust in my body now– how horrible this man’s energy was – and I sensed my inner child’s belief that this energy was impossible to get rid of. In a lightening I realized, here is the reason for the sleeplessness: I have an experience of this kind of energy in my body – and that I can’t get rid of it. That is too horrible to live with. I can deny and suppress it in the day – but when I sleep and am unconscious, it comes back as something that I identify as MINE.

I was right in my insistence that nothing until now would ever help this: the only thing that will help is my full acknowledge  and forgiveness of this energy. I am the source of it, by choosing the ego-thought system of separation, and I can forgive my choice and choose again: now to just REST with the energy – dropping any labels of me and mine and horrible and disgusting – the whole false identification – habit.

I do a Jungian method of returning to the dream with my daughter in a new and loving version: we look together at the man with the disgusting aura: it is clear to me that this is a person who only feels alive when he can troll little children to him and abuse them and make THEM feel small and guilty and disgusting, so he does not have to – for a little while at least. He is clearly projecting his misery outside of himself – and he is doomed to repeat it forever until somebody sees his true Self and mirrors it back to him.

I remember what happened with the out-stressed bus driver – and the instant peace and joy my seeing his essence created in him.

This creation happened in the mind and there is where the healing exists too: looking beyond the disgusting appearances of his acts and looks, wanting only to see Christ in him.

I KNOW it is there – and it is. His mask of “disgusting child molester” slides off – underneath is a devastated little boy who has been seen in love. My daughter sees this too, and all fear disappears as appearances melt. There is a clear connection between his mind and our mind: TRUTH.

The melting of tensions in this body is indescribably beautiful. This energy is not seen as “mine” anymore – and neither are the tensions “mine.” Just a story believed in – and now released in Love

 

 

 

 

 

The decision to choose is mine

Morning in bed

There it is: the unmistakably sensations of evil in my mind. A split second “oh no not again” – then crystal clear: “And it has nothing to do with me.”

Now there are two fields to observe: a good one and a bad one

And there is The Big Embracing One, Who says, “Come Home children, the day is over, you have played and now it is time to rest. Come home darlings.”

I recognize that all the time “I” am drawn into reading about war and terror and head chopping and abuse – it is “the bad one’s” choice.

I have truly identified with it throughout incarnations: everything I resist, has to do with “me” = the separated identity – and so I have told myself that it has value and is real and must be protected in my mind

I am lying in bed and truly exploring if this IS valuable to keep

“What you see are appearances only. Behind the appearances are souls who ask you to see the Christ in them instead. Remember – it is only your own projected images you see. They belong to the world –  a place where good and evil can play out and be experienced- and as you just wrote above, after the play comes the rest – and also the choice to play WITH God instead of on your own.”

From my window I look down on a playground. Right now, there is a father standing there, looking at his two little children in a slide. His bodily position exudes boredom and irritation and separation from play – he signals “ I don’t know who I am in this setting.”

I bless him and embrace him/this projected part of me/ and sense great love doing it. He goes over to the slide and slowly start interacting with them. His position is not so rigid any longer. I realize that anybody reading it may well think I have gone mad, thinking that my choice for love can influence the world around me – and that I am just making all this up. You are of course free to believe or not believe anything I write – please feel free to dismiss anything that does not resonate with your heart. I am just sharing how my world changes when I DO accept teachings like A Course in Miracles – this is what this blog is about.

Looking up again at the father and his children now:

They are running! Oh my – they are running in the grass and laughing

I feel so very very happy