Home

Today I received a huge gift from a fellow lover of A Course in Miracles: the new edition. 1946 pages.

The book lay on my right side, while I was attending to some old pains and inner jumps around the heart. Each time I have been able to reach deeper into the origin of this old fear imprint. Yesterday I saw that it has to do with the primal pain of being a body who is ripped to peaces by wild animals – reptile brain-memories – but this time also Colosseum memories – the gladiators and the lions.

I have long time stopped to try to figure out if these are personal memories from earlier incarnations  – suffice to say that they belong to the memory pool of mankind, of death and fear of death – and all the human may tell him/herself at the moment of such a death, and therefore carry further in their soul. I am a conduit of it – that I know. The Self has chosen to  “round this off” in this life – that I know.

So now I sat down again with the strange inner “jumpiness” and fear -energy, and asked for help to see. I was shown a group in another country, and I asked to speak to their spokesperson. She came forth, and I told her it was time for this group to allow the energy to return, so they could own it and allow it to transform  – realizing the wonder of forgiveness and their own connection to Self. I also introduced them to Spontaneous Transformation Technique, and felt all the time the connection between the group and me. Wonderful connection, and angels and Masters there to assist.

Then   I closed the connection, and went back to the “being with” the fear place. I prayed to feel safe always – permanent – I prayed to truly remember who I am  in Reality- the Holy Son of God, The Light of God.

Instantly I was nudged to open the new acim-edition randomly. I put my finger in there – there are 1946 pages in that book 🙂 – and my finger landed exactly on “memory”

I felt a deep peace. I will not doubt who I am, and the protection I have as His child. And something deep shifted within this fear filled body.

Then the phone rang. A dear friend who was supposed to come here and play was stuck in traffic, there was a marathon  in town and lots of streets were closed off. She would be very late, she said.

I knew the power of prayer now. So I declared that I was willing to have removed any blocks between us, and intended her to be here latest 5pm. I chose it with all of me.

She just called – and said that about that time, the traffic had mysteriously cleared up, and that she would be here in good time before five pm

And I know – this happens for me – so that I truly shall take it seriously that I am safe, held, helped,assisted,loved, and truly be willing to cancel old belief systems of fear.

I am not alone

I am not alone

I am not alone

Mirrored by my cat

The more I do the STT,* the deeper and more primal the results. And my dreams go right to the basics. This morning I awoke after dreaming about my (deceased) cat Cleo.She came from behind and expected food, which I had ready for her.
When I awoke, I asked what this is about – what does she mirror for me?

Cleo was rejected from her mother as very small – 4 weeks. She was denied nourishment, just like I was – as 4 years old, my mother “died”for me : after a group rape in a wood when I returned, it was not allowed to talk about it – and so there were signals that this did NOT happened – there were no comfort,support,validation – just the underlying message that “there is no place for your feelings.”

There must have been hundreds beliefs and conclusions forming to help me cope and survive – and hatred was certainly one of them – hatred is active. So I hated my mother first – and since that was not a valid solution, I turned the hatred on me – and THEN I repressed it and denied it.

I saw clearly this morning where all the psychic attacks has come from – this hidden hatred at Self has invited in it – the frequency of the hatred naturally attracted more of same frequency.

So back to Cleo – the first week, each morning, she climbed my lap and for about ten minuted she talked to me with her voice, and then jumped down.

Then she started her teachings: when my daughter and I sat in the sofa, Cleo jumped up on the top of the sofa behind us, and hissed and put her claws in our necks. I asked myself that time what that mirrored, and saw that she mirrored my anger – but i did not realize then that it mirrored my unconscious anger at my daughter. The repressed anger I had for my mother I now projected at my daughter: I hated her for not being a mother to me, for forcing ME to BE a mother, when I felt like a four-year old. All of this was repressed of course.

After 7 months Cleo got pregnant with 4 kittens. We kept one – and from day one Cleo hated that daughter. She never would be patted, she never sat on our lap, for as long as her daughter lived. She was mean as hell all those years.When her daughter died, 13 years later, Cleo instantly claimed her place again – now she was the ONLY one. After 13 years we were allowed to pet her and hold her.

I did a STT on that inner four-year old haterer, who lived in the bladder. When she  – that inner part of me – saw how Cleo had mirrored her own hatred and wish to be prioritized, the dams of anger broke,and when I honored her deeply for holding on to all of that, the dams of tears broke. After 68 years I truly embraced that 4 year old with her immense hatred -all judgments GONE.

There were angels around us then and for as long as the STT lasted, and she saw that the LOVE was stronger than the hate.

I realized how much that hidden hatred had attracted more abuse,and dark visitors and demonic material. And working and exploring that for 25 years with my clients and myself, led to me writing  When Fear Comes Home to Love, in the right menu.

The dream and the work with it  – and STT this morning –  is a great conclusion of this work: It is not the hatred in itself that creates “the evil” and the dark attacks – it is our judgments at the hatred, the shame, the feelings of unworthiness it creates – and our identification with these feelings. Merging is a good word.

 

  • Spontaneous Transformation Technique

Begging at the Bridge

I had a Skype session yesterday with a healer who saw a part of me that felt not worthy and not deserving of all the help I have from angels and guides and masters. I set an intention to find it and I did: I was seeing the image of a Rumanian woman who begs in our little town. There are four “beggars” there – the three others just sit there with their papercups, but this woman stretches her arms out after us, speaks in Rumanian, rubs her fingers together and my stomach crawls. Last time she did it, I indulged in showing her my disgust, turned back at her and frowned, and her face was contorting in disgust at me.

The energetic response in the body was hatred, anger and a huge feeling of toxicity. Now I lay in bed in the morning and felt literally sick to my stomach at the thought of having to pass this woman next time on my way to the Mall – when I heard Blue say the word “ not worthy.”

Ah! Freedom: she is a mirror. She does something I have judged tremendously: beg for help to live, to be seen and acknowledged as somebody who needs help. Completely dependent on peoples’ willingness to give her money – or care.

In this moment, gratitude flows through me: all judgment melts. I take my little inner child in my arms and allow her to scream for help. There is a big need to be seen in her worth – not because of any talents she has, just as she IS. I watch the tremendous meaning I have given to my talents – and the need to feel valuable and worthy by being a “good girl” who sees others as deserving, but who pales at the idea to acknowledge her own God given value.

I speak to the begging woman inside and ask for help to see her innocence. Michael is helping me, asking me to bless her in her true Self. Again I sense the strong waves of disgust and toxicity, the strong self-hatred, and also hatred at the “rich” people around her who seems to hate her – and I so own my own hatred at the people I saw around me who I believed all knew what was happening to me but couldn’t care less because I really was not worth caring about.

At this point, I realized that I was inside an archetype, and the cause of this was a thought in the One Mind that it was a good experiment to separate from God.

No wonder the “no worth” -identity is one of ego’s most cherished corner stones.

I prayed to Holy Spirit to replace my false perception of myself – and the “ beggar” – with His perception: all Love and Loved forever.

Now I see the sweet mirror: the Mall may symbolize abundance and Self . There is a bridge between me and Self – and to truly cross it, I must learn to not judge my response to the two beggars there : there is my classroom. Forgiving the idea of man of no value, and the ego’s contempt of this.

 

 

Ka

Yesterday I found an old journal with records from therapy. I browsed through it and found a conversation with Blue concerning dark forces. I had completely forgotten this.

Blue said: You made a deal with yourself  long time ago – many lives ago, when we think about time – to allow a so-called dark one into your soul and energy field – to help you find out what is stronger than darkness. What is stronger than fear. You wanted to learn it in such a way that you could never forget it.

Ah. This is good to remember: the darkness is there on my invitation. I had made a vow to keep it there until I was clear about it. Knowing that it was an active choice allows the whole victim-drama to just drain out.

I felt a tenderness towards this soul I have called “mine”, and all the confusion,drama, torture and abuse it has lived through. It seems that I am very in the very process of letting it all go

The last two posts have described the essence of countless lives with resistance to darkness, and therefore giving it power over me: the “ghost” and “demon” coming to my door were costumed angels,giving me the opportunity to see through illusion to the innocence and childlike center beneath. And also – although there was fear-energy still connected to it, the Light that went out came on again: whatever seems to happen to “me”, THE LIGHT IS ON

My healing question is ” I wonder how this is going to release/turn out/go” – said with a curiosity and ease that comes from trust in God and the process. Letting the reins of th ego go

This morning I had a dream:

I held an adorable animal in my arms – it was pure joy, love and playfulness.

Animal – anima – animus:  the Jungian way of describing my soul. Writing this, I also recognize the adorable character Croc in my Hilaryon-stories

I also met a man whose  name was Kawinder. He was Indian – wise , gentle,loving

KA – The old Egyptians had several terms for soul, and KA was the part that was the true life-force.

Winder – wins- “the soul/true life-force wins.” Wins over what? fear.Illusion. And that the soul “wins”, means nothing else to me than that when i choose to ask ” I wonder how this will play out” I am joining with Truth and not fear – I am trusting completely that all is well, although on the appearance-level things may seem “bad.”

Whatever appears, the LIGHT is ON

Empty tomb

Guest post from Nichola. Our intention with our work is to allow old blocks to Love to be brought to the Light of Love, or Holy Spirit. This is how Nichola experienced it:

Yesterday I had a Skype session with Leelah.

The first thing I tell her was that I am feeling heavy – the heavy feeling has been with me all day.

The she asks me to describe it – I see a big heavy stone dragging me down, pulling me into the earth.

She asks: If it could be a person or a character what would it be?

I see a cartoon figure – it is a figure from a childhood bible called

Good News for Modern Man I didn’t like those graphics when I was a child.

Leelah ask me where it is:

The figure is sitting on a rock outside of a cave. I realize that it is sitting outside of the tomb of Jesus, but in fact the tomb is empty – it is completely hollow. That is because there never was any Jesus in the tomb, I realize. Nobody died for my sins – that was just a story. My body now feels hollow, like the tomb and the heaviness has dropped away. What a big surprise – nobody died for my sins and I am not guilty – it was just a story (laughing a little and enormously relieved and free feeling.

Leelah asks me if I can invite Love into the hollow tomb and the hollow space in my body.

My arms and legs are filled with golden light and my hands are buzzing with energy – I see that they are holding balls of golden light.

Leelah asks me where I want to put this light and I say into my heart and chest.

When I do this I see that inside the chest is like an abandoned cave – – a broken and sorrowful place.

As I bring the energy in from my hands, torches are lit up on the walls and everything starts to feel more comfortable and soft.

Leelah asks me if I see anyone. I see a woman with long blonde hair lying on a stone bed – at first I wonder if she is dead but I see that she is sleeping.

Leelah asks if she could be me, and I say yes. She is me but also she has been around a long time, a lot longer than me, and these two things do not seem to contradict each other.

Leelah asks is she has anything to say to me and I say yes – she asks me to love myself.

*

Then Leelah shows me how to be witness for her and I feel a little inadequate but try my best anyway. She is feeling a cold pain and a kind of metal band across her shoulders and a wave of black anger coming up.

Then she sees the tomb and enters it. Lots of hysterical giggling as the tomb is full of playful angels – angels pulling funny faces at her, pulling at their cheeks with their hands. We are both laughing a lot at this – and the idea that this story of our guilt and the tomb is just that – a story that the angels can make such a fun joke about.

After this:

Nichola is sending me 9 empty emails. When I ask her to look what they really say, she tells me that maybe they are 9 empty tombs.

Giggle

We really need to get it hammered in, don’t we!

*

The idea of  a Son of God dying to save humanity is alive in Christians. This blog does not in any way want to mock the Christian religion – or any religion at all – just present Leelah’s path to awakening. That started in Protestantism, went deep into Catholicism, then into Mystery Schools of Kabbalah, Sufism and Advaita Vedanta. In those years I experienced these traditions in my own life, and one brought me harmoniously into the next – until I ended up with A Course in Miracles which shows us in clear detail the difference between illusions and reality.  Reality, The Course holds, is our Oneness with God – and the world with its individuals and thought-system of separation belongs to the Dream we all are dreaming – where the seemingly separated persons are nothing else than an outer picture of wrong-minded thoughts. As we notice these thoughts and forgive them, the outer world will start to mirror our healed state of mind, and the consequence is that we start to see through the old stories of pain, punishment and darkness.

The Course hold also that it is just one of hundreds thought-systems/religions which all will take us Home – the Course just lets us know that it is the fastest way. And I do want that 🙂

More LU q&a’s

 December 1st, 2012, 8:44 pm

Dear Ilona, before I answer your questions, I need to explain something about my perception.
From I was small I have seen angels and beings that are invisible to most others. They are just as real to me as the physical world. And I have to tell you that the time I met a unicorn is one of my most loved experiences: it felt like an angel, but sweeter, more childlike. So I don’t know about Santa Claus 🙂 but Unicorns and other fable-creatures have been seen by me and countless others – just as we turn the channel – finder on the radio, we can fine-tune an inner channel-finder to this level of consciousness. The beings show their reality to me by their wise and loving communication.
I think most artists know what i talk about.
So this is not something i can call unreal when i experience it. I need to find a way to express these experiences/what is seen and heard on an astral level/ in a way that is workable for you. Otherwise you will ask me to check and see if it is real and not – and for me, this is definitely real, but I think not real like you mean it.I want to find out if it is doable by inquiry the way you do it. When asking if an angel is seen as real will be a clear yes ♥

 December 2:
Ilona:Hm, interesting. Do you see them angels and unicorns on your dreams or in waking state?
Both. But  it is strongest when I see them when awake. There is sensing of ” loving presence too” – the kind of presence that makes your hair stand up and tears come to the eyes. Listening inside in those situations is listening to words coming from another realm – one who knows of no separation, but who recognizes that “I” still do, so the “words” are given in ways that are most helpful. If this happens when I have clients or students, they too report that they sense the presence, which can be so strong that the knees buckles and we have to sit/lay down. – *
After having written that yesterday, I had a good night’s sleep – which is rare – and woke up today without the feeling of none of the old trauma me’s at all. Now there is only a sense of aliveness, presence, peace. No pressure – which is such a wonder. I have seen this effect with LU-guiding with Chris too – and you, some time ago, before him – that sometimes the guide says something, there is a strong resistance, and then, three days after or so, things have been sorted out, and the old resisted questions now is seen as simple and easy to answer.
So here are the answers to your last questions:

Ilona: can unreal have real power? can unreal be alive? if you look at superman now, has he got any powers?
it is not about REMEMBERING, but checking to SEE any given moment, if it’s true or not. remembering equals new belief. seeing unreal as unreal every time there is doubt, is what frees the mind from belief that imaginary stuff has power.

Superman has no powers.

Ilona: is there a me that can get sucked in? and isn’t this a resistance playing out that says NO to the specific energy? if so, invite it closer. dive into that energy and see what it is without labels and names.

There is only a thought of a separate self/Leelah. And yes, it is a resistance to a certain energy, coming from identifying with the false self.
This morning, a thought came: “I have thought that me and separate self is the same.” What a relief that was: the separate self is an illusion – I laughed when i looked at it – and there was no laugherer either, just a huge feeling of smiling space. When you have asked “can you find the me”, this Presence has always been felt to some extent – so I have had to say yes. And small separated self-identity has grabbed it and told itself that this Love is part of “me.” It is not, it is impossible, this Love can now be own, it is our very essence

Ilona: Is belief in a sufferer a feeling or a thought? how do you feel the sufferer? is there a sufferer or there is a thought that comes up and is believed to be true? does belief make a sufferer real?

Belief in a sufferer is a thought, believed in, not corrected, memory confused with now. Belief makes the sufferer SEEM real and brings all the stories and archetypes into this moment – and then the mind says “well, there are so much feelings and energies here, that must mean that the stories about them is real – they cannot come from nothing, can they??
They don’t come from nothing, they come from beliefs that seem to make the stories real. The me takes this as yet an opportunity to prove its separate existence.

Leelah  Dec.1st):Maybe it is some entity that dresses up like child-me in order to vampyrize me.Ilona:can you check if this is true. what is this entity and what is this me in the sentence there?

The entities are in my understanding from the lower astral field. It is my understanding that in the world of opposites they are symbols of mankind’s denied dark side – all that we see as bad and “I would NEVER do such a thing”. It represent all the uglies in the mind that we collectively has disowned – and what we resist, persist and may manifest as demonic in all kinds of forms. In my understanding again, they are not real since they do not come from Love. in my understanding, built on investigating in this for 45 years, only Love is real. But as I told you, that darkness may manifest as forms, as they do for people in psychoses. Luckily I have been there myself, in the youth, and vowed to find out where that stuff came from and how one could deal with it. That seems like a good thing to do, as long as one sees oneself as a separate being.
There might still be occasionally “visits” from “dark entities” – but seen from this view now, that is only a possibility to thank them and ask them if they need something – like my favorite saint, the Tibetan Milarepa did with the 5 demons who visited his cave. He welcomed them, and first he offered them tea – then he sang for them ( now 4 had left) and with the th, he put his head in its mouth to offer himself as food. And poof 🙂
So this answer is spoken from a vastly different place than believing they had power over “me.” There is no separate me – the demon and “i” seem to be different manifestations of mind – but in my understanding again ( my used only as means of communication) Life just is, and is lifing as you so wonderfully name it.

Cramps – healing

In the night, a toe is bending over its neighbor, strong cramp-pain. To this pain, an automatic response: I love you I love you I love you! I bend forward, holding the toe – and recognizing that there was just a choice for love and not going into frenzy.

It abates.Whatever caused that cramp, received the love and responded with relaxation. It happens without being labeled, or having to figure out what caused it and have it fixed. Love was called for and answered.

Two well-known pain-containers in the body – the place of attachment of the legs to the torso, and the neck – are filled up with   heavy pain. I am filled with gratefulness for the process – I know this is pain leaving. The “me” is insisting: “I did this. I healed this. I am so proud and special!” Witnessing the voice and smiling. There is a distinction between controlling the process and pain by “understanding” it -and  just noticing, being aware of a healing process. Allowing.Allowing.Allowing. With the allowing comes gratefulness – for being part of a movement of healing…of something so old – so held – in the mind – and so judged – now let out of prison –

and now, a wave of sick fear, a belief: “Ohmygod I am setting the devil free” -waves of sickness…and the knowing that this is Grace and not devil:  devil-cast is made to look like that by judgment

Now: images of hanged bodies…allowing them to pass through, forgiving the images … effortless gratefulness for choices to explore archetypes in this life…the image of The Hanged Man, one of the Great Arcana of the Tarot: he hangs also – but with the head down, and his one foot touching the other knee’s inside – just as my position  in bed  has been the last year…new thoughts about specialness and pride –

new image: a skeleton crouching underground in the cold winter – standing above him, a poor couple of peasants- for me, this drawing by Th.Kittelsen is a symbol of spiritual poverty and fear –

I am being with this intense cold pain that seems to fill out the whole of my physical body – and it just feels like a gift of Grace to welcome it and allow it to leave. Nothing to fix – nothing to do  – just be – and now, a barrage of shoulds and oughttos  – just thoughts connected to this archetype flowing through the mind

Blessings…and the knowing that all this happens to no-one – that makes all the difference –

the belief in the value of repressing and denying our connection to Love is allowed to be seen as just a thought of no value –

simplicity

forgiveness of old cherished beliefs as part of the me-structure –

“When I lay myself to rest

14 angels stand around me

2  smiling by my left side

2 at my right side

2 guarding at my pillow

2 at my feet

2 cover me

2 wake me up

and one shows me all the paradises  of Heaven*

a strong AMEN reverberates through me

this is done

*

*Freely translated from H.Wergeland

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

%d bloggers like this: