The choice to deny oneself to survive

Each day/night I am doing the  Core Transformation Process

It is SO effective! I worked through an archetype this morning – the false helper *- I saw how excruciatingly important it was for her (me/you/us all ) to repress the longing to be seen and love and counted and then giving up all the trying and instead shifting the energy from me to others: instead of helping myself – being there for myself – I will put all the energy on one card; becoming the perfect helper. From now on I am looking for painm and problems in others, so I can comfort them as a substitute for needing comfort myself.

When I did it this morning I did it with that 4-year old Leelah-helper – no words of consolation or loving attention when she returned home from group rape.  – Only my soul could think out such a splendid way of arriving at where I am NOW – now I  TRULY can appreciate that child!  and now true forgiveness pours out like a waterfall – oh the joy! and the laughter!

You know – that little one arrived at CORE in just two steps – shivers down my back now – 1st: I want to be seen as important I want to count-  and the 2nd: I NEED TO FEEL JOYOUS! To be able to express it and have it WELCOMED!

And THERE WE WERE – in the arms of LOVE

 

* “Bird is the title I have given this archetype in the book you find in the right menu: When Fear Comes Home to Love. Click on it and you will be able to read more in the reviews.

Liberation

I am doing a 30-days forgiveness practice from Way of Mastery, and last night I saw a black iron pole through the chest. Just as if I had been inside a Dracula’s body:) The release was s w e e t

Then next level of it came up – and it turned out that I was forgiving stuff in the root chakra. And then Blue reminded me of the image I painted 1998:(see photo of the tree below.)

The Bird in the crown-part is the archetype of the “savior” who needs” to “save” others to achieve value. I have found Bird in all my patients, and much of my forgiveness-work now are finding part of her in my bodymind and forgiving all my judgements of her – oh my! – and instead honoring her for her intense wish to be of service.

This image later became the cover of my book – which is about the exploration of the figures/archetypes in the Tree.

This morning I was nudged to look through the photos of the Image again – and since this healing of the root came up for me now, in our chapter 6-exploration,I want to share the very process of receiving the Image and the energy, that lead up to my work. It feels like this is the time for a new LIGHT into it – and into the root chakra we all share.

Here it is:

“During my education in Expressive Arts Therapy in Switzerland, our class gathered in Gwatt by Thunersee a couple of weeks in May to explore our birth families through painting, sculpting and storytelling, under the magic leadership of Mariagnese Cattaneo. Each of us was to visualize our family as a tree, and then paint the tree (see the Image / the cover). Afterward we made a story from the painting and shared it with a partner. The day after, we expanded the work further – making rapid sculptures of our family members from all kind of materials. I choose clay and painted tissue-paper.

As I closed my eyes during the visualization of my family tree, a tremendous energy soared through me. A door to a blocked and hidden room inside me opened – now the freed energy rushed forth to greet me. “Pay attention! This is important!” was the clear message within the experience. A melting sense of gratitude and release opened my heart and soul – something within whispered “at last” and relaxed deeply.

The image of The Tree presented itself with great force and detail. I painted as if in a trance, with lightning speed, serving the Image as well as I could – not censoring any of the strange mythical figures. The Image commanded faithfulness from me, and my feeling of curiosity and wonder grew as I allowed it to come through me.

After having written down the story coming from The Image, and having shared it with my classmate Aaron, The Image and Story would not let me rest. I decided to create a healing ritual from The Story. I did this with Aaron as co-player and witness. The insights were startling.

I sensed I was being shown something that must not be interfered with intellectually, not analyzed or controlled in any way. Once again, Aaron and I took my sculpted family out into the friendly Swiss wood, just outside our painting studio, to unravel them and explore their mystery and gifts of healing. The ritual exploration was done within a circular sacred space we created, and showed us with uncanny clarity the split within my family’s psyche. One the one side, there was blind need and terror, caused by trance-like sexual abuse. It was accompanied by the denial of the acts and all the pain they caused, which created the adapting, conforming survivors. The family had successfully dissociated from this. And then we all had dissociated from our Self and the light within – our true I Am. This was the beginning of the process that connected me to my forgotten personal story or myth – which later turned out to be a blueprint of the collective Myth, described in “The Jekyll and Hyde-family.”***

***A chapter in the book

Enough –

A dear friend shares a story about her boy,7 years, who visited a friend last day and ate too much and threw up a lot in the night. Instantly I attach to the archetype of what I call “Child” in my book “When fear comes home to Love” –  the conviction that “I don’t have enough, I am not enough.” In Buddhist tradition, this is called Hungry Ghost: it HAS TO take take take eat eat eat to fill itself up – since it perceives itself as a vacant space – and this space is filled with the terrible belief and experience that I am separate from my own Self – God.

As humans, we have all experienced  incarnations being the hungry starving people we see in media. The skeletons from the concentration camps are us.We know  in our gut and soul how the body feels when it is malnourished – how terrible it feels to die of starvation – and what behooves us to know is also how strongly this physical starvation and hunger is connected to the belief “I am not lovable.”

And that sensation – those experiences – are all connected to the belief “I am a separate being – this is MY experience.” It firmly plants us in the belief that we are a product of a cruel God who dishes out punishment to someone – and this “someone” must surely been guilty of something, being punished in this way.

So when these old archetypal patterns move within us, we eat. We take that extra glass of wine. And there is no harm in doing that as long as we know what is really going on underneath: we are sucked into an archetype, we are acting it out by pigging out.

There is another image of God – and without that Holy Image inside us all, we could not create anything. WITH the unlimited created power God has given us, we create infernos of limitation and  lack – and we justify our belief that we are unjustly treated to take from others what we think is our birthright.

It IS our birthright – and there are no “others.” What we seek is RIGHT HERE AND NOW in our  loving Heart that we share with all.

My friend and I share the great joy and expansion that happens when we see that what happens with the boy is a remnant from an old story belonging to humanity. It is in the mind, it can be healed in the mind.

Blessings are POWERFUL beyond measure – I see the effects on them on people I meet. You know me and bus drivers – I bless the grumpy and desperate-looking ones with “I bless you in your connection with your joy and Self. I bless you in your memory of Who you are in Truth.” More than often,their desperate looks slide right off.

Now we can do the same with this archetype of hunger and lack when we find it inside( and we find it inside each time we think it is REAL and react to it:) I bless you/myself in your/my true connection to my Self as God’s beloved Child, forever loved,loving and lovable. I bless you in your memory of Who you truly are.

I choose to set myself free

Last evening, it felt like I was being closed down by immense powers. I knew I was seemingly trapped in some thought-form/gestalt/archetype, knowing that did not seem to make much difference to the agony I felt.

When I logged on  the PC in the evening, for the first time ever I was met with the sign:”Leelah is locked.”

That was helpful: I recognized the message from Spirit: somebody/something else that this energy-form was present too.

I clicked on Leelah and the page opened: nothing was locked, as long as I did not believe it was locked. I had been given the chance to disbelieve the lie of identifying with my experience.

In the night I was helped by the suggestion to allow everything to be as it was. When resistance stopped, I could sense life coming back into my energy-field.

And today I feel much stronger and present – and I found a great quote:

“I give you to the Holy Spirit as part of myself. I know that you will be released, unless I want to use you to imprison myself.

In the name of freedom I choose your release, because I recognize that we will be released together.”

 

I am under no laws but God’s

I believe I am under the law of electronic equipment which fails, where matter deteriorates, where bodies crumbles and dies –

but I am under no laws but God’s

I think I am under the law where loss is seen everywhere

but I am under no laws but God’s

I think I am under the law  of ego where inner myths are determining how we behave – ( and some would call that genes)

but I am under no laws but Gods

I think I am under the laws of archetypes

but I am under no laws but God’s

I think I am under the law of Karma

but I am under no laws but God’s

I think I am under the law of nice being better than bad, pretty being better than ugly, thin being better than fat, young being better than old

but I am under no laws but God’s

I think I am under the law of being victimized by sickness and attackers and injustice

but I am under no laws but God’s

I think I am under the law where you/I can be better/smarter/happier/luckier/ than me/you –

but I am under no laws but God’s

I think I am under the law where evil and loving thoughts can affect me –

but I am under no laws but God’s

AMEN

INVITATION to readers:  please share the laws you see yourself subjected to

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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