The suffering self leaves the driving seat

The eye was very painful the whole night until ca 5am. There were coagulated  morsels and strings of something that looked like resin around the eye.
“Infection”  said intuition.

I asked myself what I wanted with this creation.*** There were many layers: there were definitely perks with going through pain and being a good girl, i decided that it certainly  justified wine etc. afterwards.

And this identity is, as most of my readers here will have noticed, A HUGE part of  my identity – what I call ME.

I looked at the wine bottle on the kitchen sink and realized that choosing wine and “comfort” I had completely identified with that wrong-minded identity. “My” justification was ” But I DESERVE it.”

Which I is that? The separated one. The suffering one. The small self. And I was radiantly aware of myself as a role – beliefs I have taken on through parents, teachers, ancestors, society – in short, the world.

I had taken her on, like an old costume -I had NOT acknowledged the Self in me who had experienced the great realizations under the knife. By choosing to tell myself “I DESERVE this now” I had failed to see  that this suffering-me believes that suffering MAY at least justify being comforted. That is her perk

Which is really a cost!

And of course, that victim -identity can have infections.
I know that my true I cannot.

As long as I mainly identify with this girl, I will never wake up.

I realize that I chose that suffering identity last evening who took her comfort from wine and food. And that is why the eye hurt so much and looked so infected.

It was my thinking that was infected. The thoughts themselves are neutral – but the moment I attach an I am to the thoughts, I have declared it to be my identity.

I reached out to my Way of Knowing-group on Facebook and asked for prayers –  for affirmation of my true Self, my true I/eye.

Within 1/2  hour my eye healed. ♥ Pains gone. Slightly red, but no more gunk oozing out. What an enormously important lesson I gave myself: you HAVE inner parts/patterns – meaning, they are in your soul as memories – but I AM the One Who chooses what I will identify with. To be aware of the little one and comforting her is so very different from believing I AM her.


*** In “the Way of Knowing” by Jeshua, channeled by Jayem, Jeshua teaches us that as sovereign souls we create our response to everything that happens to us. When we make choices out from the separated self, we choose out of fear and anger and confusion, and we may choose to “suffer to atone for sins.” Choosing from Self is always choosing to see with Christ’s vision – looking for the eternal Love within the perpetrator.








Integrating fear

The primal fear is still the main theme. Yesterday I lie for hours in bed, just tensions and stress everywhere – and knew that some part was terrified of falling asleep. Then I dozed off – and awoke from a loud crash from within the house. Instantly I was back to the 1st of January and the stone through the door and the terror from that day was back in the driver seat. I found myself tiptoeing down the stairs and into the living room, and then the alarm sounded – I had forgotten that I must not go down to the first floor when the alarm had been turned on. I ran upstairs and turned it off, and the cellphone rang. It was a Security guy who for the first time was live on the line, and I told him it was my fault and I was OK.

This was a metaphore/reflection from outside that was not lost on me: before, when I mistakenly had made the alarm go off, there had always been just text-messages from Security, stating that they had closed the case (since I turned the alarm system off so fast.) But this time, the projection screen showed me that there was direct contact between somebody listening to me when”the alarm went off” and reaching out. An age-old belief that I am not worthy to get help was broken.

This was a huge help to know.I went back to bed and knew that Presence had arranged this, so I could calmly lay there and integrate the fear. I prayed for a dream where I more clearly could see the focus of the fear, and had a dream where my father was telling me that he would rape a friend I had visiting. I woke up, remembering his insane expression, forgave this projected guilt and was willing to accept the Atonement instead.

Then I read something from my little notebook by Michael Brown – he is talking about dark memories:

“Yet, while we remain unintegrated, then as we approach the portal of this moment, these unintegrated memories are what guard the entry to the portal. They say “While you believe in us more than the promise of what you truly are, then we stand between you and this realization. You must pass through us to know we are not real, or run from us back into the illusions which inspire more experiences just like us.”

The face of insanity and violence projected on my father (and God) is what I have believed MORE than the promise of what I truly am – the Holy Son of God.

Later in the day, I discovered what had made that crashing noise: it was a lamp that had fallen from a table where it was attached with a screw. How  I don’t know – but for what, I know: to give me an opportunity to meet that fear again with much less resistance around it, and much more awareness and Love surrounding it.

A cry for love

“And so I see the possibility of starting to look forward to “dark” images as a way to find the bits of my mind that wants to hold on to that – as a way of hiding from Love…”

Oh boy was I answered quickly. In the morning paper today, images of persons being stoned in Afghanistan – and a story of two lovers who  were stoned yesterday. There was also a story about how the Taliban whipped a woman before she was stoned – to set an example…

And yes, I recognize the thought system so well: only if we scare you and punish you and show you what will happen if you don’t obey us, will you learn. Fear and reprisals are the only means that will teach you to conform to what WE know is right behavior, and God’s will.

In the Disappearance of the Universe, Pursah says on page 199:

“Never forget that the ego is a killer, so it wants you to think God is a killer and fear Him. The very best way to keep itself going is to suck you into reacting to the script so you’ll make it real in your mind. The ego wants conflict, and if you react with any negative emotion, that’s conflict. It’s your judgment that keeps the ego system alive, but your forgiveness will free it.”

When I read  the article, I sure react. I cry, feel anger, hatred, helplessness – and ask to see it differently.  This – a cry for love?

They believe they are guilty like  everyone in this world. And like everyone, they project their guilt on someone – and truly believe that their God wants it like this.Like everyone, they believe they are (sinful) bodies and that their fear-regime is the only way they will stop the sin, and prevent God’s wrath. Like everyone, their cries for love needs to be seen as YOUR cries, and so you may recognize again and again that this is your dream, coming through you.

The words in blue are coming from Blue of course. I also have another source for right-mindedness: when I find somebody writing something that makes my heart expand in joy and release, I write it down in one of  many little wise-words- books and number them. The few times when I can not hear Blue’s voice(I see that I am too scared,) I forgive myself and dowse for the most fitting quote to my question.  Here’s on that just came:

If they are guilty, you are guilty, and the world is real. Forget your projected images for what they haven’t really done, and forgive yourself for the mind’s guilt over its decision to be separate.

Yes. That’s where it starts

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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