The false foundation

Jeshua, in Way of Mastery, points out to his students, that everyone of us has “signed up for this(whatever happens)” – and that the steps we are to take are already lined up for us. Meaning – I can trust that I am supported in whatever I seem to go through.

Now, I frequently seem to forget this – I am lost in an addiction to earlier insanity. That sounds insane, doesn’t it 🙂  But listen – here it is: there were some 20-25 years with psychotic episodes in my early life.

Disclaimer:And this is in no way meant as an instruction for others – this is just MY perception of what is healing for me. If you resonate, good, if not, please chuck it out the window.

In WOM, Jeshua’s deepening Course after A Course in Miracles, we are trained to befriend earlier energy fields that we before have identified with and denied/condemned – to open our arms to them, and recognize that we created them out of confusion and fear – and then believing that those levels of consciousness  constituted our true identity. Opening up to them, we discover that the “rules” we have lived by and have identified with “me” and “mine”, all rest on false ideas – for ex. the one I found today with Kit: the belief that what we feel is “too small” to be worthy of attention.  When that belief is given validity, the effects from it spread outwards and often turn  into attack on others, some kind of violence – all signs of that original false belief that what I have perceived as hurt is not “enough” to deserve comfort.

What a brutal attack this is on our Self. And yet, how innocent: it builds on a false idea, that society  supports us in adopting i: that we are not really worthy – that we need to be “reformed” in some way.

The energy from those psychotic episodes is now calling to arise and be forgiven – for me to simply BE with, bless, learning to see as neutral.

Last night I had forgotten that the energies coming up were a gift to be embraced – I thought I was under psychic attack again, and tried for my bare life to find something to do – “the right thing” that would heal the energies. But today I recognize, with Kit, that this is the addiction Jeshua is talking about: the addiction to this old identity as the insane/psychotic child and youth.  And: that to be addicted to something means that we try to support it and help it to stay the way it is – since we think this is US: this sufferer with this story is who I am.

Then of course our psyche does its very best to confirm this false belief – which is nothing else than a belief in a story built of false perception, built on what we told ourselves at that time of hurt.

THAT story forms our life – NOT the behavior from others, but what WE think it means about us -and therefore all the rules about what we deserve or not.

Talking to Kit now, my eyes and mind are opened and I recognize the insanity-energies as just earlier intensely condemned stuff  now coming up to be allowed and released. And a vital element is added: in order to be able to NOT be sucked into the old story again, and feed the energy with thoughts about how dreadful this is – I simply can, as Kit is suggesting, say: “What can I give myself now, when it hurts so much?”

Well – I can sit up in bed. Change my perception and position. I can drink water. I can pull a soft shawl around me. And so the situation that before was seen as “solution-searching from a frantic mind” now turns into simply being with: – witnessing, listening to the old story from the child, and staying in truth. This calls for TRUST in the situation: this is just a part of the path to awakening – and I decide if it will be horrible or healing.

So very simple. And how truly complicated we make it  by believing in the thoughts we told ourselves – the thoughts that were the foundation of the story of us.

 

 

Ants

This is a biggie for me – on this path of awakening:  the energy of invasion/attack. My book, “When Fear Comes Home to Love” explores how to relate to, and deal with, our mind-imprints of being invaded/attacked and abused – which is just the other side of the coin of invading,attacking and abusing. The last months, the revelations and healing of this common pattern in the human mind has been the challenge of embracing the souls of the attackers – the willingness to see through the dark acts to the part of the soul that cries out to be loved and not judged.  Not loving the acts – but seeing through it to the very essence of the Soul.

So. Ants…

They have lived under my terrace for about 15 years or so. They swarm up from holes between the tiles in clouds so big that it is not fun to sit outside in the warm season – unless you love to breathe them in as they swarm. -I have long seen them as a mirror of a part of  my subconscious that I have learned to hate and judge and deny in myself – like expressions of rage, anger, jealousy, impulses of murder. The last year has been a deep dive into these areas, lifting them up in the Light of the Holy Spirit, and learning not to judge the impulses, seeing them as as a natural thing in the human mind – and embracing all of that. Simply embracing it.

So when the ants entered my living room, I freaked out first, and tremendous fear arose -the energies and memories of being invaded in exceptionally ugly ways. And in Way of the Heart, Jeshua reminds us that the Soul chooses ALL kind of experiences – for then to transmute them in Love. So I trained myself to just sit with the old imprints of violence and terror -and asking for help to erase the charge of these memories in the soul. Gradually this became possible, and then I was reminded to do a connection with the ant-soul or Deva. I intended to join with their “Queen-part” – and the light that I felt was wonderful, and i felt nothing but love. Suddenly they were no longer “horrible” to me.

The morning after there were no more ants in my room

Today has also been free.

And – I am even OK with the thought that they may be back – and in that case. there is just more for me to include and embrace, and I will NOT be invaded 🙂

So the best of all is the feeling that the disgust and fear of them has simply disappeared – with the help of Holy Spirit.

And in less than a week too 🙂

A Miracle  to me!

On time and attack and puppets

A friend in  Facebook-group posted yesterday a guidance he received from inside about time:

“Time is but your fantasy. It is of your making. It is your monster. Yet, it is not real. For, just like love has no opposite, neither does eternity. Place your belief, your treasure in that which is Truth and the miscreation of time will simply cease to seem to be. For, in Truth, reality does not rest in time. It but rests in the eternal. Time is a child’s toy. That is all. Forgive that toy for the dreams you gave it. Yet, love it. You made it. Find the joy in your creation. To do otherwise is but to blame it, thus giving it the appearance of control. Simply love your creation. Say then, ‘This is good. This is perfect.’ And, have gratitude for your makings. For without them, the function of forgiveness would be incomplete. Time, therefore, is not a monster or ‘evil’ creation. When chosen to view it through the lens of love, you will but see it is merely a device for awakening the Christ. Truly, look upon it with love. Breathe into it. Play with it. It is but a toy.”*

It had a tremendous impact on me – it felt like I was de-structured, and I asked Jesus for help to explore this further.

Dream:

I see my daughter within a time-line – I see the time stretching out from her to me, and before and after – she is about ten-eleven, and I am my age now – 71 – she screams for help and is in panic – I pick up the total fear, I wake up. I sense the fear it in a lot of body parts and start to breathe LovesBreath, just being with the strong fear – sensations filling up the body. I ask for help to see what kind of fear this is, and fall asleep again.

Now I am in a wood. There is a black animal beside me,as high as my leg when it stands on its back legs. It is frantic, jumping at me, and i stretch a hand toward it to help it and it snaps at my hand, thinking it is being attacked and must protect itself by attacking back. It is locked into the belief that it is under deadly attack. I look at it and see that its whole black skin on its back is in cramps,and recognize in the dream that these are my cramps( I have a lot of those.)

My hand is now holding its skin on the neck, and its cramps are cramping the very neck-skin. I try to fight it, shake it away, bad choice – this can’t be shaken off.

I realize I must not fight, but love, and at this thought my hand is looser. I just stroke  the animal lovingly. I sense the tremendous cramps it is in, in the state of panic of being under a mortal attack.
As I stroke it a speak lovingly to it, it eases up a little – and then i see it.
It is a puppet

I animate it

it is my creation

I know that this animal is the same as what I saw dominating my daughter ,screaming out in fear

It is the very cry from the soul in its creation of attack and defense
It is locked in the cramp of these beliefs

I wake up, and immediately try to figure out what to do with this – that I MUST heal this – but HOW – and realize with a great smile that this struggle energy is upholding the puppet/false attack/defense-pattern.

I am trying to heal the cramp by cramping 🙂

How wonderful information: this is seemingly locked in TIME, and what is locked is a false identity, stuck in panic of believing it is under attack.
My puppet.

The comedy of it is also that I this life has worked in prof.Theater for 20 years, with stage and costume design – AND I have made LOTS of puppets.
so I am thoroughly trained in working with illusions -and also of seeing how excellent puppeteers always “become” the puppet they are talking for and animating –

*Posted with Eddie’s consent

Not alone

Old parts visiting

Lately, I have been doing TAT on coming into this body – and inviting dissociated parts to come back. I did not take into consideration that the energies/frequencies that these parts held would seem to create havoc in the nervous system And I share this here because of the many of us who found it necessary to dissociate parts of ourselves -and the wonder and beauty – and also maybe havoc – it will create to take them back. Just writing about it now makes the energetic havoc from this night and day return – and I have to write this fast, so the illusion will not run away with me.

There were strong heart palpitations – and the shock-waves they made were felt in the midsection – like a big hand down there were hitting the stomach hard. There was nausea, hard to breathe, cold sweating . and a strong belief: “ I am dying. I must get to the hospital NOW.”

Still – something kept me back.

Returning home later in the day, the inner message was clear: you are re-living the bodily echoes of the times you/small child/ was visited by these sensations in situations where you could not in any way process what went on in the nervous system, and what you told itself that it all meant, that you were experiencing this. I opened one of my many wise-quote notebooks, and found this: “ …I realized that my belief of having to fight through life on my own was creating the (…) and that that belief is just an illusion…once I realized that my belief of having to fight through this situation ON MY OWN -was creating this situation ( …), and that this belief IS just an illusion, everything changed in the most miraculous way….”

I am sorry I have lost the name of the sister/brother who wrote this – thank you!

The strong physical symptoms almost instantly stopped. Instead, there came a violent sobbing and calling for Mom, and a part who screamed I am scared I am so scared. I “held it” and listened to it and let it express itself. It repeated itself some times, and then abated – and I knew that what worked, was the realization that this was a great gift of healing – now all these palpitations and symptoms were nothing more than an old tape, being played back in consciousness, and this time listened to and embraced in love.

When I sat down to write this, the symptoms started to repeat itself. I understood that there was something going on now and did not realize that I again had been sucked into the old belief of having to struggle/suffer through this alone. I went into the living room to get a pen, and saw that the entrance light had gone out. The ones who have followed this blog for a while will know that the divine uses this lamp to correct my beliefs. I stood before it, acknowledged that I was stuck in temporary darkness, and said, “ I call on the Light that I am – to center myself in that, while I write about these symptoms. The lamp answered instantly, and the symptoms disappeared again.

Reminder: Help me to remember always that it is my belief in separation that CREATES this situation/these symptoms. This is the only thing that needs correction: my belief in separation – which is an attack on my own Christed Self.

Thank you thank you thank you, Jesus, for healing my perception – and thank you, dear sister who wrote those insights in a Forum I visited.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You Are Eternal

I have just lived through what will be an added last chapter to “When Fear Comes Home To Love” – see the right menu.

I am working with Tapas Fleming on a root memory/trauma in my mind: that of trusting somebody in power completely – and then, when trusting, open and vulnerable, to be attacked viciously. What did I tell myself when that happened? “I must never let up my guard again – always expect the worst.”

Tapas tell me to speak to those parts of my mind who believe this – and in that second, I SEE them: great crowds of people with that bodymind-pattern. I see and sense them surrounding me, and everything in my mind focuses on THIS moment and the opening for healing – on a personal and collective level.

“What I would like those parts to notice” says Tapas, talking to the parts on my behalf, “is that even though you were tricked and shocked, and even though you decided never to let up your guard again – what would be good for you to notice about yourself, is that actually you are eternal. – Even though all of that happened, it is not happening NOW – and you were not what you were involved in.”

While she speaks, I SEE the crowd instantly realizing – knowing that they ARE eternal. The energy in the crowd is vastly changed – like it was just a dream and they have awakened.

And – I needed to be seen as eternal. It is beyond beautiful to BE SEEN in that identity.

I have been dreaming and I am awake now

The shift from the victim identity to Christ/Self

Under my navel, where there was a demonic wolf-like being, is now a LOVE-sun, radiating its light into this body. The crowd is conveying, “Although we were shocked, shocked is not what we are – and what we are, can not be shocked.”

The shift is utterly complete – in that one second when we heard and believed, “I am eternal.”

I sense all the stories and false identities that they/we/were temporal and not eternal, melt away. I sense their overflowing gratitude to Tapas for the reminder, and for me to holding all of that so we all could benefit in this way.

Just writing this down, I feel the sun in my belly again. It is much more than warmth. It is wordless all -encompassing love.

All the feelings I have had of being distrusted and disrespected by everybody have disappeared. It all came from inside my mind, through this link to the persons sharing the imprint of never to fully trust again.

I am as God created me. I am created in His image.

“And now we come together to bless – what we judged and hated, we are now here to bless it all” the crowd conveys.

“It’s so beautiful. It’s a blessing for me to be with you” says Tapas.

I watch ancestral lines wake up and hooraying – not yelling, just pure relief of not being caught in dream-hell anymore. No need to go into bodies to hide from a vengeful god anymore – unless we want to. We just need to be Who we are – and extend that Love.

*

What Tapas did first in our session was to “scan” me – and she noticed that my pineal gland  had some attacking energy right around it. It was tired and worn out. When she mentioned it, I sensed the old old presence of “evil” and “dangerous” and weird. We included the pineal and “the attacker” in our invitation to parts that were offered ways to heal.

This morning, I went to the Pineal and checked – is the craziness there still?

IT HAS GONE.

The thing is – I have always checked after all my other sessions and healings – and this has always been left. Now I know why: I had hooked into our common angst. Now this healing has touched the collective, and the ones involved who were attached to me, aren’t any longer.

The story has played itself out

The energy of the Pineal is still tired – but not awaiting attack anymore. It just needs rest.

So I will rest

 

Blessings to you all

 

Leelah

 

 

 

Going Home/being HERE

Todays post is answers to lesson 6 in “The Jewel of the Christ Mind Course”   a one year online Course. The bold blue quotes are from Jesus/Jeshua

The essence of coming to Presence as I see it:
1) STOP and come back to NOW
2)Breathe, and remember Who is breathing
3) Notice without judging, with interested curiosity – embracing it

*
3 questions for the Christ Child:

Precious child I love, how can I support you?

Allow warmth to come into this cold. Breathe LovesBreath into it

What do you most need from me?

To BE WITH ME and embrace me – and not only to sit with and breathe: To play, to experiment with art – poetry,stories,dance,textiles,music,movement -to experience being one with creation instead of being the part you project all your horrors on to

Is there any change I could make that would allow you to flower even more?

Take a session with Zach Rehder for help with really being with these energies- and learn to accept gifts.

( An editor just offered me his service for free – and I notice that I think that IF I accept it, he will secretly be displeased, and the grievance will turn to hatred, and then he will come and attack me.)

I notice the strong link I have built in my mind between men’s ill-will with me ( which means I must conform 100% to their expectations) and then a sudden brutal and vicious attack. I have worked with this complex consciously since I was 23 in all kind of therapies and trainings and being initiated into many traditions – and 25 years as therapist with my patients and myself. My book When Fear Comes Home to Love is the result of that – and still this strong energetic link is felt in my nervous system between the thought of being FREE and visible to violent attack – and there is always insanity connected to this attack.
*
This must be the experience I most need to be having right now, as more of Christ Mind is birthing into, and through me.

Something in me truly knows this to be true. Which means that all those insane and violent attacks I was forced to participate in as a small child and, and also to be forced into the role of perpetrator to make me guilty and one of “them” – this is where the Christ Mind NOW can be birthed into, and explore the healing that is available HERE TOO. Writing this, a wave of gratitude comes – how glad I am that this HAS happened and that I HAVE these experiences now – so I can allow the Light that I am as Christ to embrace all those energies, suffuse them, transform them.

Here are three images I painted years ago of exactly this: I knew it then too, but have worked to integrate it all the years since then.

1) Red attacks the Blue/Christ –

2) The Blue embraces it, it starts to dissolve –

3 and 4) The dissolutions continues, and in the fourth stage, the attack-energy has become a Menorah –

I have needed a lot of time to birth this – smiling

“There have been no wrong turns on your journey. You have never failed, and you have never sinned.”

Icecold. Spacing out. Breathing. Strong wishes of retaliating, making the others suffer as they make me. Deep and venomous hatred.

“There have been no wrong turns on your journey. You have never failed, and you have never sinned.”

Deep yawning, the sickness abates. I bless the energy within the sickening forms, invite it Home in my Blue Christness – chest warm, whole lower body ice cold – breathing into it – surrendering to it now –
“I” am not doing this, Christ is doing it through Leelah – I hear screams from massacres and battlegrounds, from concentration camps and machete slaughterings – from everybody that perceives themselves to be righteously mistreated and wants to stop it with any means at all —-

Deep doubts: I have done this for 27 years, and still I feel the fear of being visible –

And the answer:: “and for each time you have been willing, one more piece of it has been integrated”

WOW! what a gift: when I copied this over from a word-doc, that one sentence was left out – so i had to return to the original and really take this in: “and for each time you have been willing, one more piece of it has been integrated”

A tremendous hateful part hisses to me, DO NOT HOPE!!!

There is Love all around that, (just as the pictures show,) and now my belly is warm. – That’s where the “haterer” is – yawning – “I WILL not hope and be shocked again – and again – when I have opened up – it is torture”

Sweetie, I am right here, take all the time you want to get use to this space

“There have been no wrong turns on your journey. You have never failed, and you have never sinned.”

WOW! Looking at the doc I am writing now, I discover that I have repeated that quote from Jeshua three times – and each time I have believed, “that is a great quote, I want that here – – -and not discovered I have already written it down twice before

There has been no separation at all … our resistances, judgments, and especially our guilt, occurred because we thought what was going on was different than what was and eternally is, going on. (Jeshua,Jewel Course.)

Sitting with that, allowing it take root

“You have heard it said this world is a world of shadows. It is not just a metaphor.
It happens to be true. While shadows are illusory, it does not follow that they be left untransformed.
For what you leave untransformed retains the power to bind you in its spell. It will continue to do so, until YOU decide to learn who you are by being the power of Love‟s Presence that heals all things.” . (Jeshua,Jewel Course.)

*
Wonder Questions:

1. What are three significant experiences you have believed you should not have had?
(Be vigilant against assuming these are just ‘negative’ experiences. When faced with overwhelming joy, “luck”, others’ gratitude, or miracles, don’t we often shake our heads, hold our breath, and try to deflect or minimize it????)

I have sat this the whole week. Many has presented itself, but the answer is always: None. Without everything, I would not have had the experiences and the learnings I have

2. What is it that you have found most difficult to trust?

That even when the experiences feels excruciating, they are NOT “wrong” – I am not wrong – they are pathways into human darkness and ignorance as soon as I don’t judge my small self for having them – for not being “worthy.” – Oh there’s a lot of that going on –

3. Do you trust, really trust , your Creator?

My ca 2o A4 journals filled with my images and processes show me that God is always available in every situation. I DO really trust my Creator –
It is ME I don’t trust – God’s One Son, choosing to judge myself for what happens to me – seeing it as character-faults that takes away my God-given worth, making me wrong,making others wrong – not recognizing they are me in disguise, mirroring back to me what I need to see and lift in to forgiveness and innocence

And right now, after writing this down in one go, seeing that I am trusted to do the best I can to wake up –

I bless myself in my ability to choose love
I bless myself in my true nature
I bless myself in my willingness to hang in here

AMEN

 

The stone of anger and justified attack

In Pierre Pradervand’s beautiful book, “The Gentle Art of Blessing,” he describes an exercise he gave a group – to find a heavy stone and a steep trail (a simple task in the Swiss Alps) and to carry it up that trail as “your burden” – and then let go of it.

I did that yesterday. It was big and weighed 22 pounds. I put it in my rucksack and  I trudged up the trail in deep snow. What was the burden: my attack-thoughts. The deep old anger, still justified.

It was so heavy! I first thought I could not  manage more than 150 feet – but I made frequent stops and leaned forward, supporting myself on two ski poles.

Suddenly it felt much lighter.

It took some time…the snow was deep, but the weather was magnificent, 23 Fahrenheit, sunlight, and  in 45 minutes I was high up, disposing the stone on a beautiful place with a great view over the Village

It was sweet to deeply recognize that I was the one who had been hurt, dragging it along all those years – and I am the only one who could choose to set it down. I realized that I actually had believed I kept someone on the hook as long as I kept the rage – like I had power over them –  but it was really me who was poisoned –

It felt sweet to put it down and say enough, and I felt like making an angel in the snow, right at the precipice

 

 

Attack

“You are the work of God, and his work is wholly lovable and wholly loving. This is how a man must think of himself in his heart, because this is what he is.” A Course in  Miracles

I sent a mail to Lisa about my long and hard depression. She answered that I had to stop hiding – among other things 🙂 I have been afraid to serve at the Prayer Team at the Teachers of God-site – afraid of falling into the old role and pattern of believing I am responsible for other persons wellbeing. I have described this “helper”-archetype precisely and with love in my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love” – but it still remained part of what I saw as “me.”

In the one mind is a deep belief that “I” can be attacked – that has been thoroughly been played out for me in this and countless other incarnations in thinkable and unthinkable versions – my holding on to that belief as real has truly manifested. About 20 years ago, where the physical attacks had stopped many years ago, but the psychic attacks at night still were ghastly, I started talking into my little recorder that I had in bed to talk dreams into. I pretended to talk to God and allowed my pretend-God to answered. After some nights with this, listening to all the recordings, I saw that this was not a pretend-God – it was Love, educating me, speaking to me where I thought I was – a tortured victim. I was taught how the demonic was only repressed feelings and needs, deeply judged and demonized – and that they could only be healed with Love.

In the chapter “Fuckeat – hatred of needs and vulnerability” in “When fear Come Home to Love”, I mention one of my most important teachers – the Tibetan saint Milarepa. There are many versions of the story of Milarepa and the demons – I like the one where Milarepa after offering them tea, sings sweetly to the demons, and all disappear but one grisly beast. And when Mila puts his head into its foul mouth to find out what it needs, it vanishes too.

Mila was just not eatable. And I have decided that I am not eatable anymore either.

*

This morning I saw that I was hiding from my Self as long as I was holding on to the belief that if I don’t please and satisfy the person sending a request for help on the Prayer Team with my answer to them, they may seek me up and kill me. I have been told that countless times from I was a baby, so it is firmly embedded in the structure I call “me.”

Writing this now, I realize with a shudder that the intense threats and vicious violent brutality that I experienced from I was small, was just a part of the very attacker/violator-archetype in my mind – in the One Mind. And that holding on to the thought that this is REAL – that is, created by God – keeps the separation going.

I/One Mind/ am the source of this. I judge it not. I extend forgiveness to myself for dreaming it up. It is a thought in the mind that I keep alive as long as I keep acting out that I am in constant danger of new attacks if I don’t give people what they think they want. I see that as long as I see it as valuable to protect myself – by not being part of the prayer-team – I am telling myself that I CAN be attacked.

And that keeps the fear and victim-story in place.

I am not willing to do that any longer.

I am the source of this story. Holy Spirit, here it is – simple: thoughts from confused mind, believed in. All of the incarnations as a victim I have created – and the insane anger and hatred that I have SO feared and experienced in this and other incarnations – is part of this belief pattern in my mind. Thank God, I have seen this now, and do not any longer need to project it on attackers outside of me.

Lisa – I am in 🙂

 

Shift

Deep realization:

There is a knowing that below the frantic stressful energy, there is a stream of wellbeing, of welcome, embrace. I sense both at the same time.

I am blessed

Next day: this is a shift in patterns.

I awoke with a crazy energy in my bladder and heart. The same old dark energy . and I found myself saying: “get thee behind me, satan!” There was an immediate feeling of release and peace. This scared me – to believe that there is a “satan.” I was shown that “satan” is just a thought, believed in – the thought that I CAN be trapped in this energy and have it be stronger than “me.” Then that becomes my reality. I am using the power that God has given me to create.And if I believe that there is something that is stronger/more powerful than Love and Christ – and try to prove it with being a victim of this dense and trapped energy – that becomes my reality.

Now comes the shift

There is a rock-solid voice inside saying, smiling, “how CAN this be possible!” It is incredulous. “How CAN there be anything more powerful than Christ in you.” I allow myself to feel fully the energetic imprint of this Voice. It is anchoring my two lower chakras – and  for the first time ever, it seems. This body-part is no longer seen as a container for fear: truth abides there. It is plainly ridiculous to believe in a God who can be overpowered by darkness – there is no value at all in that thought.

The shift has happened.

If/when these energies come back, let them – they cannot harm me any longer. I am this rockbottomsolid Presence and Anchor, knowing I am the Source of this – it is coming up to be released – just energy, no stories, no evil-label.

The Christ is seen now: It can not be affected.

However strong the seeming attack, I know Who I am in Christ

The Nice Girl

Dream: I have a client who is boundless manipulative. I sense this only energetically: there is nothing “wrong” with what she says, but all she does not say -everything going on under the surface of subliminal signs and signals.

I am possessed by an enormous rage I only experience in dreams. I hiss like a wild cat and grab her and scream “get out of my house!” Her body is strangely pliable, like rubber – I recognize this as a sign of the demonic, who’s very essence is MADE of our repressing and judging our feelings, needs and expressions.*

I wake up after the third screaming sequence – her expression is mean and threatening and she lets me know this will have consequences.

THANK YOU Holy Spirit for this dream! It does not take many minutes to recognize how I am the manipulating girl: it was a survival mechanism for my first 20 years. Now Grace has showed me the very make-up of it – very thorough work, this

Gradually I go deeper as H.S. is looking with me. There are layers:

First the terror at the abuse and insanity

Then, when I understand there will be no protection from this – and no comfort, no acknowledgment of what happens – I fall into a mode of survival: pleasing. I am “The Sweet Helpful Girl. “

Next time you meet a pleaser and cringe, be grateful instead – the cringe means that you have the same energetic pattern ingrained in your mind and nervous system, and now you can offer it up for correction and forgive it.

All of that sweet pleasing is covering up pure murderous rage – which has to be completely denied for both child and parents and siblings for the charade to continue. And since the hatred cannot be directed outward, it turns back on US.

The stage is set for grand manipulation.

No wonder we get sicknesses – being under such tremendous unconscious attack all the time. No wonder cancer could manifest inside this body that mirrored a mind that harbored so much self-hatred.

It is wonderfully releasing to realize this pattern – at last FEEL it as energy. As long as I unconsciously judge and repress this energy within me, it cannot be forgiven and released. And it will be mirrored back to me from outside, by people who pour their blame on me. That happens rarely to me these days, which is a nice sign

As I write this, I yawn and fart and tears comes, muscles twitch, more releasing

The manipulating girl in the dream – who comes for “therapy” to me – is of course me. I see her now, giggling – she has my face, which is proper. There is freedom and light in the image now

Her threat was real: it WOULD have had dire consequences for my health and well-being to allow this old pattern to wreak havoc any longer.

The beauty is: three times in my life -in my thirties – has people said that they feel something manipulative in me. That was done in a group therapy, and was always immediately denied by other participants who comforted me and told me not to mind these screwed up people.

No: they were absolutely sane, and honest, and brave to say this and then be attacked by the group. Their accusation was acutely felt – and I believe that if I never had been pointed to this, I may have overlooked it.

Thanks to Grace who always is thorough. When I offer my willingness to look, she really opens it up

*

More about this in  my book “When  fear comes home to Love” on this blog – and also ways to dissolve these  deeply unconscious demonic structures in our mind and nervous system.