Going Deeper into Ego, Finding Love

What I experienced with the Core Transformation method this morning was a demonstration of what the human psyche does ( or at least my version of it) – when we have a spiritual breakthrough, close to Source, then the opposite rears its head too. It came in a dream with drug-addicts, acting-outs, neglected babies, a door that could not keep this out, constant fear of being overwhelmed and taken over by it – a core-issue for me in this life, fully described in my book.

I had yesterday got a strong pain in two toes on the left foot, and understood that these symptoms were linked to the psychic content that had come up to be forgiven.

I did the process with the part that wanted peace from this – and it turned out to be fully identified with ego: I want to be stronger than them!

Then: I just want ***a breathing pause*** from all of this!
THAT immediately sent a wave of freedom and healing through the toes – I saw that what I had wanted, was to just keep this pattern going, maybe to be punished a little bit more, bit maybe also to FIX IT myself. Cause that would mean that I was awesome – right?

THat called for tenderness and giggles too !

I continued going deeper: “I want to scream and yell to them to get the hell out!”

“And then “I want to punish them!”

I saw all kind of scenarios coming up of torture and self-torture . First there came judgments – but then came tenderness: “Of course you want this! No wonder you feel like this!”

And when it truly had been heard and not judged, it said:

“I just want us to be friends!”

From that point, it quietly moved to wanting to have God radiate through me as me, KNOWING that this was my true identity.

Judgments falling

My very root-lesson – to meet insane hateful mental/energetic attacks from men (and expect it from some of them whose energy I recognize immediately ) – is presented to me yet again. The Course tell me that every lesson that I have not mastered are presented to me until I DO see through them and master them. This is such an opportunity.

This morning I thought about Pete – a guy that last year changed from Dr.Jekyll to Mr. Hyde in mail-conversation with me  – and immediately felt the agony-energy field connected to my identification of it. “I” felt horrible. Asking Blue about it, I heard: “ Let go of the false identity-hook.”

So what I realize, is that I immediately recognize “Now the guy is in his hatred again – identifying with it.” And as soon as I mix “me” into this by reacting to it, I am caught in  my story – “a false identity-hook.” And if I now – if Pete will react this way in our correspondence again – can just recognize when he is caught in his pattern – and just allow him to be there, without trying to fix it at all – just embracing him in my mind – that might be “the lesson learned.” In that acceptance is included that  I recognize that there is no little Leelah who is being attacked – it is not little Leelah who is doing the embracing.

Before, little Leelah did the embracing – and that has attributed to the pain.

When I child believes in any way that she is responsible to save/help her parents, MORE pain is created. The child does it from love – and cannot know that its “sacrifice” leads to more suffering. It creates more suffering for itself by believing that it can “help” the parent in pain. This is “blind love”.

And I see clearly now that it is not the “false-identity-love”  that can embrace the father – it is Presence. And Presence is not there, in the child’s perception of the original trauma-situation.

But I can have that now

So if/when Pete attacks again – I may just embrace him/the situation/me in the heart, and not at all try to get him to understand.

The energy-hook is here – but it does not mean that my past is here and little Leelah is here – and it does not mean that I have failed to heal it – this completely obnoxious energy is here, and I am NOT THAT. That it repeats itself with some men, does not mean that I haven’t healed it! These situations will occur in this dimension – identification with stories happen, projections happen. That does NOT negate all the great work that I have done – and I are not  a failure for feeling the way I feel. The fruit of my work is precisely to SEE this. “AH! Good work, since I see this: I can notice what happens, I can sort out, I can distinguish what is stories and trappedness while it happens. And meet it with embrace 🙂

Freedom!

And the fun of catching when I feel really confused and trapped – to overdo it and roll around in it and have fun with it: Oh I don’t understand a shit!!!

And all that has changed in the process is simply this: there are no judgments present for the energy, for myself, for the other. Just awareness and the knowing that the only thing that is real is the knowledge that we both are as God created us – pure light

Old movie

Following the process – still the old theme of “darkness.” Yet another tough experience in the night and morning, with overwhelming depression and gloom. Yet – Blue is very available when I ask for help.

Blue:The attacks and darkness you are having are memories from the past – and thus the effect of the belief in Time – being projected into the Present. You cannot fix them – but you can receive them with Love.

Me: Many many times I have met them with the willingness to Be with them and bless them, to extend all my Love into  “this” – and to see it as scared children dressing up as demons, crying out for love and forgiveness – which I have offered, as the gifts I can give as the Holy Son of God, created in His image.

Seeing “darkness” is seeing through a dark filter of judgment –  and with  judgment I see myself as unworthy and ugly and afraid. I see myself as a terrified child/victim – and it seems SO alive in me, I feel all its feelings of overwhelm. Because of  the sensations/pains in my nervous system, I identify with it subconsciously.

Blue: If this pain and darkness and horror is real, God is not real. If you believe God is real – and you do  – then this pain and horror is just ego’s creations, which you, as the Holy Son of God use your tremendous power to animate – or make real. Do not deny your immense God-given power  that you share with Him: the world around you, just an imagination, seems so very real – because as humans, you believe that what you can touch has reality – and the mind is just “thoughts”. Since you, as Mind, made all of this up – = the Universe – saying it is real –you can choose again.Just acknowledge this: “It is impossible for me, who am created in God’s image, to discreate what He has created. If that was possible, it would also mean that it is possible to discreate my Self.”

Me: So I am acknowledging that what seems to be visiting me, telling me that it is more powerful that Love, are just projections/manifestations of guilt, fear and sin – it comes in many packages and variations, to divert my mind and make it interested in my creations.

Blue: Fear loves to dress itself up – and fragment itself into a multitude of costumes and “spirits” that now must be placated by you. Lots of efforts now – to take your mind off the Truth. There is nothing wrong in noticing these occurrences – but you are the awareness noticing it, and not a victim of it. When you stop giving your God-given power to the belief that the show is real, you might just tire of the show and leave the showroom. It is like an old film you have seen in all possible variations – why are you still buying tickets?

Me: so what do I do then, the next time I wake up and feel the old horror in my veins and muscles, and hear the threats that I belong to it? And feel a HUGE identification with the victim-child-part?

Blue: realize that you have used your vast power to imagine something that is impossible, and by that trick you have proved that God is wrong and you are right: separation really happened. The one in you that does this, CAN NOT be the real Self – right? YOU are aware of it – and YOU can choose again. Forgive yourself for dreaming this dream, and for repeating it until you are tired of it. Choose to believe that the power you use to recreate the dream of darkness, you can use to co-create with God: extending the Love That you are.

Me: On behalf  of the Son of God, I choose to release the part of my mind that joins with the ego in this. I know that you will be released, unless I want to use you to imprison myself. Holy Spirit, please let me know when I enter this self-imprisonment-game, so I can choose to smile instead. In the name of my freedom, I release you – because I realize we will be released together.

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

%d bloggers like this: