God is Playing

This is what I call these nudges and “coincidences” that constantly push me in the direction of awakening.

Outside of this path in the wood it is icy and slippery surface. I have crampons strapped on my boots. In my language, crampons and “sting” means the same – as in “Death, where is thy sting?”

Readers will probably have noticed that I live and am constantly nudged into awakening by my Higher Self, which I call Blue – by symbols and metaphors.

These happened today – after I had fully surrendered control to the Self Who know the Plan and has all the cards and knows all the steps in their perfect timing.

I stand in the dark wood, taking photos of dark and light – I am fascinated at the light I can see right outside the wood, shining in through trees standing very close.

Right in front of me the sun is shining in from my left, creating a shining path of Light. My heart starts to beat hard, a sign to pay attention. I know that stepping inside that path of light will feel blissful.

This is how it looks, right before I step into it.

(I have an mp3 player on, playing a podcast from a comedian.)

entrance-to-gloria

The comedian introduces a female group who sings a Christmas Psalm. The moment I step into that light, they sing: Gloria in Excelsis Deo and repeat in long enough until I become truly aware of the synchronicity.

Next photo:gloria-in-excelcis-deo

Here I am one step away.

And here I turn toward the sun and become aware of the Gloria, being repeated and sung again and again.

looking-right-into-gloria

Time disappears.

Then I walk on, and soon discover that I have lost my crampon on the right foot – or, as I would call it: the “sting.” When I search for sentences with “sting”, I find, ” Death, where is Thy sting?”

I decide to walk back until i find it. I don’t find it, and return to the shining light path. Right there – where I stood – lies my “sting.” It is of thick rubber with metal crampons/stings-it is very surprising that it can come off by itself at a place where I just stood still.

After some steps I realize that I lost my “sting” exactly in the place where I left the dark and entered the Light, knowing it was sacred.

Thank you, Blue!

*

Next sign: A new comedian talks – about Plato. “ He knew that reality lies outside of the world/ the cave.”

In this exact moment, the mp3 freezes up – and i realize that this is the same theme as the first:  Gloria and Reality lies in Light, outside the world.

3 sign:

At home, I hit my right hand ring-finger nail/tip against something.It has always been extraordinary sensitive to be touched, and today the pain is overwhelming. Thank you for this sign – I sit down with the intention to find what wants my attention and healing.

“Milk!” Ah…this has to do with mother’s milk. – My mother’s milk was toxic and I could not digest it properly. My soul understood that I had a mommy with poison inside her. I could not KNOW this, so I denied and repressed it . NOW it bursts forth with a torrent of tears and loud crying. “I don’t want this mama!” It lasts for a couple of moments, and then there is deep peace and warmth spreading all through me.

And  profound gratitude.

The Know-it-all

Or, should we call him/her the Besserwisser, the Lecturer.

Yesterday I had a serious case of being besserwissed.(Ha, the word-corrector suggested blessed!:)) And it sure has turned out to be a blessing.

I asked a question to a teacher, and for over ten minutes he lectured and besserwissed and droned on, with great power and conviction. I felt: invisible – dropped – powerless- crushed –  intimidated – a stupid klutz. And angry.

I  subconsciously called that response out of him, so to at last see the pattern and heal it.

So this morning I went into the Observer mode of  the Spontaneous Transformation Technique: *** see below

Neutral, emphatic,patient, no agenda – just wanting to BE with this part that was lectured to. I told it I saw it ( it sat in my solar plexus): I am here. I am not going anywhere.I am in support of you.

There was a substantial relaxing response, showing me that this “part” had made the connection. It was no longer isolated and separated. And there is the first shift: awareness comes into this old pattern of victimhood: the one with no power, no voice.

So what was the advantage of that position? was my question – (I know that I can’t let go of anything that I think I am the victim of -) why did I need others to lecture me?

Simple. So that I could be the nonthreatening powerless one. The one who was not noticed, had no responsibility. The one who did not provoke status quo, the belief system/religion on the rulers – and who therefore was reasonable safe from being accused and burned at the stake or tortured by one of the zillion inventive was man has concocted.

I truly saw that this was  a CHOICE I had made: to shut down my true authentic voice and will. I have made that choice WITH the power that God has given us all – the one we have, being created in His/Her Image. So that choice to be powerless is mighty powerful!

So I had made my Universe, as Jennifer McLean teaches: we all made it from 1)the beliefs we made when small when we were hurt and traumatized – in my case: ” Life is dangerous if you talk back,if you say no. You are here to make others feel better.You do not count at all as YOU – you are a “wrong copy.”

And then life works like this: 2) we make our coping mechanisms to survive – based on these beliefs – and voila, this is our Universe now: I think/believe that I will not be respected – this is a “Universal Law” for me now, based on my beliefs based on my early experiences. And I will perceive the world THROUGH the filters that I put up – and people who enters my Universe will have no choice, they will turn up to disrespect me – until I  can forgive myself for these creations, and deeply honor and love the aspect of me who started this Universe.

When I encouraged that aspect of me to feel it all, there was tremendous fear from all the times this soul experienced torture – and most of all, all the times it spoke up and loved ones suffered the consequences of that. It’s all there, in the One Mind we all share – and what we all heal, seemingly on our own, we make available for us all to tap into and share.

These times, huge waves of awakening sweep over the planet – what was before tucked under, now comes up to confront us – (a reluctant thank you, Mr Trump!) – We can only heal what we allow ourselves to see, to forgive, to release. And my deep experience is that when I allow these old defense and protection-mechanisms to come up – to be seen, and HONORED for their way of protecting us from harm – then  my Universe mirrors THIS new view of me/my life/ back to me.

*** The Spontaneous Transformation Technique is a unique, therapeutic system of healing. You can read more under “Services.”

This is a healing way to deal with the energy that get trapped in our stories and traumas, and help it to unravel and transform, when it at last is looked at with love. This opens a space of great healing and allowing of what is – and from this space you can play and explore how you want your future to look – free from the old patterns.

1.session is free!

The Space where I Am

Many years ago, in a session with a student, I found myself speaking about “God being in the spaces  between everything.” It resonated strongly for both of us – and recently, about 25 years later, John Mark Stroud lead a webinar where he led us into this incredibly simple and clear journey from body mind-identification, to fully dissolving our self into this Space.

We were invited to sense into this Space. Within a minute, it was clear that it had always been here –  had no end or borders – was completely loving, allowing and embracing of everything. Timeless, deathless.

And one could lean back and rest profoundly in it – and at the same time be aware of the turmoil and pain in the world.

We were asked to train in going from body-awareness and out into this Space/Self – and back again, to truly experiencing the different states of mind

And after just a few minutes it was clear how we all, as “bodies” have exactly that selfsame space inside up – just think about the spaces within each atom: it looks like a Universe.

The bliss that came from that

oh –

Now – where do I choose to rest my awareness?

I am practicing 🙂

Christ’s vision

“Am I safe?”

This was the first question John Mark Stroud – One who wakes”from “The Way of Mastery” asked me to ask my Heart/Guidance in our Skype-session. I was asked to go into the Heart and allow guidance to answer me – and he would check if the answers I got were the same that he heard inside. They were. “YES” was the smiling answer from the Heart. This was not debatable:) I sat a little while in that feeling of being safe – or rather, as the One who IS safety.

Then the night came – worst than ever. I had breakfast and my morning Yogi Tea. The label told me: “Stay pure in the midst of impurity.”

Then I called out pr mail to John Mark in the morning. He answered:

“So when you touched and truly felt that I AM SAFE feeling it caused all that within your being that says NO I AM NOT to come flying up into your awareness. If you will allow it the fear will pass out of your being and the I AM SAFE (continue to focus on this) settle in as your truth. The transition can be uncomfortable.

 To Love and embrace is to allow ALL things in peace, coming to see the neutrality of ALL energies. What we abandon is the ego’s judgments of those energies…as you said “really nasty “fear-imprints/thoughtforms/energies” ” It is not the energies that are the issue it is our relationship/resistance to them and the resistance arises only from ego. Of course you know what we resist persists. That is what we abandon the resistance and the egos interpretations and judgments of all things. The “I Am Safe”  or Christ part of you is always present and always at peace no matter what’s going on inside or outside. That is what all are invited to awaken to but we must first dis-identify or abandon our identification with the ego in order to truly awaken to and embody Christ and live and experience creation thru Christ’s vision.”

As my long-time readers will have noticed, this is what I have believed meaning that I do something wrong in my practice and process.

No – it has meant that after having great mind/heart-openings, this have caused “all that within your being that says NO I AM NOT to come flying up into your awareness.

So last night, I knew I wanted to welcome it.I choose to do it, choose to BE the One who receives. There were no difficulties at all. There were a deep tenderness toward all of fear,confusion and pain, and great great gratitude.

Later in the night I woke up, feeling a peculiar inner itching all over – and some relatives’ relationship came into view. After a couple of seconds of hesitation I knew that allowing this to be there – without having any idea about what to do about it  – was all that was requested.

What happened was a clearing of “my” perception to Christ’s Vision.

A cosmic experience started. I saw, in a timeless now, all and everything in my family that were my projections. All of my relatives had played roles I had starred them in, to be showed what was in MY mind. I HAD CREATED THIS, with the Power God has given His Son.

The process was seen as flawless in its perfection: I saw that all the darkness was included, that had to be there for this one – “me”  – to find What was more powerful than that darkness, and identify with That instead. Faces and details of memories/stories were presented, I could smile to everything, laugh at the utter perfection of all the “insane” happenings that made out this magnificent tapestry of imagery and symbols.

“Forgiveness IS the way from the mind to the Heart” said John Mark yesterday.

In my Heart – the One Heart we all share –  is a multitude of Light-beings who just want to share Love for me. They tell me the more I accept and allow, the more Love there is to share.

I now understand why it was just possible to receive just a little the first time I did this – the subconscious knew about the darkness it would bring up. Not  from “my” mind – from the vast collection store-house of insanity in the split mind of the human.

The Miracle came the moment I choose – truly choose to BE THERE as Love for all this denial of Love.

There is so much Joy available in me now

 

Comment from Mara

For you both, Leelah and notes…so resonate with you both, Same here with difficult nights, and peace at day…all part of conditioning falling away and knowing to feel fully all that is present. Yes, expansion and contraction..natural movement and flow. That is what we are experiencing with this see-saw, ‘in and out’, of awareness or whatever you want to call it. We feel that quality of clarity in awakening is ‘lost’, or the clarity deepens and in between this it feels lost. Of course there is nothing to ‘do’…the ‘I’ that ‘got it’ was never there, and can do nothing (it wasn’t really lost.)
You are that awareness, and this is the grounding, you (we) start living it as spontaneous happening(s) occur. :) )) Relaxation and tranquility increases spontaneously….much love, Mara (some of this said in email to you Leelah :)
nice to meet you notesofashaman :)

And  my blog today would just share that the ground floor SEEMS to be lost 🙂

Ground Floor

A wondrous awakening is happening. After the nightly session on Skype with Barbara, a knowing established itself: that whatever seemed to happen in thoughts,feelings and sensations/fantasies/pain etc DOES NOT MATTER – it is a dream, it is not real, and I – True Self -is untouched.

I sense an underlying state of consciousness – or level of mind – words are not good here -where I AM with God, as One. I see and experience it NOW as NOW. Sinking into it there is deep rest – and also there is awareness of much resistance in “the upper floors.” That does not matter – whatever goes on there is like a movie, a shadow-play in Plato’s Cave.

What this does for me is removing guilt effortlessly: guilt is from this “level” now seen to belong to the identity of the shadow-players – and extra layer of guilt is placed on most thoughts of the shadow-players. But from the ground floor these thoughts are seen as meaningless – belonging to a script.

The last night was fear-free. Oh the bliss of that! I had a dream that I was surrendering my body to float in a wonderful sea – and in that moment of surrender I received a kiss! I opened my eyes, and looked at my Godfather.

Now, the ego intervened very quickly and the dream turned into a fantasy of my this-life-Godfather fancying me, which was very disconcerting – but when  I awoke, the symbolism was not lost.

Today I was blessed again: seeing the movie Monsieur Lazhar. 

Both the teacher and the class had PTSD – and now,having a “ground-floor” – experience, I saw them all acting out the shock and denial that is part of the PTSD – and it was possible to see all those feelings AND feel them – without getting identified with them. I was crying with release, and was blessed with an experience of complete and utter beauty and truth.

Through the Gateless Gate

Below is a post of a thread on this Forum:

The ones who wants to follow this, please go and read from the thread.

Dearest Chris,

It is amazing how the fear is  not believable any longer to me. Just ego doing its work.

The night started with intense intense tensions and impossible to sleep. Something inside reminded me that “this is simple. Just allow it to be easy. Allow the process, the momentum, to carry you.” So I  invited the terror  to stay with me.I listened to what it had to say, it was connected to a chronic pain in the lung/chest-area. As I allowed it to just BE, the heart started fluttering and pounding, skipping beats. A sweet feeling of tenderness enveloped it, held it. After 4 hours or so I fell asleep and had this  dream:

I am together with a huge crowd of people – 2000?20000? The atmosphere is a feeling, impression, of a shift of immense importance for the whole world ( which  could well be the world of “me”.)The crowd has come together to join this shift, this work.

I have an ally there (Hi, Chris) – we are taking care of the food for the two of us.:-)

We are now all in the same room. A woman is talking from the stage,feverishly, about how dangerous this is and how impossibly hard this is to do.She is the voice for separation. The crowd takes no notice of her. Then she stands right in front of me, her back to me, talking desperately to herself about the impossibility of going through this. She then turns to me for support, and I say – again and again and again loud and clear to her: “There is nobody her who does not see how hard this is for you.” I look her in the eyes and repeat it until I see that she hears me, and receives the compassion. She stops speaking, and I see that the truth seeps into her mind. As I write this down now, it seems that she played the role of suffering victim- “my” main identity “this life.” I am seeing that her role slides of her: she has seen clearly that it IS a role.

The crowd is now outside the building again. There is a unified decision in the crowd – that we hold the momentum of connection to truth, and don’t allow any opposing force to separate us. But right now, we cannot find any opposing force at all. Still it is clear that it is a possibility – but only if we allow ourselves to listen to silliness and take it seriously.

At this time in the dream, I am confused about which year we are in – is it 2012 or 2013?

*

Sometime yesterday,a decision was made – to commit to this fully. It may have happened when I mailed my friend and co-student of ACIM, Shell, who also was guided by you, and she reminded me that I had promised to be completely honest and transparent here – and I felt “Of course!” and I added here what I had written to her – how scared I was.

I am writing down what I spoke into my recorder in the night/morning:

The pressure and tension in the chest and whole torso is immense.”I” am seeing  the crowd as the zillion of fragments “I” split into and dissociated as baby/child/youth -now come together to listen to truth instead of the constant threats from ego.The feeling of the crowd is a unified trust in the leaderJ – and the leader is truth, “who” speaks from union and not separation. We all recognize truth the second it is spoken. It is Home, it’s not a place, it is a recognition of our true nature.

What is beautiful now is SEEING this seeming multitude of “me’s”, and while seeing it, realizing that it is a construct that it is the process of being subjected to truth. There is a watching of this all -and right now (in the night)this watching feels like it is positioned as me. Right now language is experienced as such a clumsy tool for conveying what I am experiencing: I see that I am just at this point in time where this understanding is “placed” (oh god its clumsy.)

From this “place” I see that “me” is just a condensed point in “time” – which also, from this view, is seen as a silly attempt to separate what it impossible to separate. Something that thinks it is possible to position itself in something called time, and that it is REAL.I see oh how necessary this seems is in the world of special “me’s.”

It’s just stories.

Seeing clearly now that “me” is impossibility and a story -and I also see and feel how much I love this I and what she has grown into because of believing in the story and taking it for real. I appreciate the journey to this point of clarity –  and since there is no time in reality, it is seen that there was no journey at all, just a willingness to be wrong about everything about this separated me, all its values and concepts and ideas about the world and its separateness.

It feels very enjoyable to  speak these words into the recorder and allow them to come. It dawns that a shift has already happened. I am aware of the truth all this is coming from, in all its clumsy expressions – and “I” might be wobbling a while until it stabilizes. There is a fear that says I might  just be stuck in hell again – and I notice the thought, and an attraction into hell again.

While I am speaking these words, the constant painful tension behind my eyes is releasing as a gush of tears from both eyes. The release melts down into the neck and throat too, as tensions are seen as not necessary protection any longer.

There is an intense gratitude at knowing itself to be connected to this inner guidance and truth, which has been here all my life, available when “I” have chosen not to believe in fear.

It is also seen that there IS no other places than HERE. Everything else is a construct and illusion. And at the same time, enjoying the whole PLAY of it all: when “me” is absent, joy is here -as I frequently feel in the creative process as an artist.

This morning I listened to a taped program. A man talked about his passion for church-bells. He visited a craftsman who mold bells. He learns that the tone is already in the material – and that the material must meet someone in whose hands this tone can be liberated.

Love

Leelah

 

 

Two approaches leading to the same peace

Kit and I am Skyping. She is telling me about Bruce Lipton’s awakening. As a biologist, he investigated the cellular make-up: for years and years he experimented with cells. He found that  removing the cell-nucleus from the cell, and keeping the membrane, the cell still survived for about a month.

Without the membrane – the “bridge” between the outer and the inner – the separated cell nucleus died instantly.

The specialness – the genes for red hair,musicality,colorblindness and black skin lies in the DNA. Life itself lies in the membrane – the connective tissue.

Lipton shares how he worked and worked, and through the years his insights “crystallized” until he had his awakening. Kit and I agree that we both are crystallizing too – everything we have been through is leading us to amazing synchronicities, people and information come to us in wondrous ways.

I share a process from this early morning: there were strong tensions behind my eyes as usual, leading to neck pain. Through the last 30 years I have found effective ways of addressing pain and discomfort with gentleness and communication – so also this morning, where I expressed a wish to hear the pain out – what it was all about, and why it felt the need to keep this habit of straining the muscles so much.

It told me the story of needing to have full control ALL THE TIME: noticing everything around me to find signs that baddies were lurching – scanning the mind to be on the outlook for inner baddies/demons/enemies – and having to, compulsively,do this constantly. One second’s rest could mean instant death and hell.

Talk about obsessive-compulsive disorder:-)

Having found the roots of the tension-making and looking at it with love, the tensions were releasing, tears flowing – showing me that even the tear ducts were afflicted with automatic tensions.

I feel asleep, and had a dream: hundreds of people were together at a farm in the country for playing – just playing. In almost every other dreams where I am with other people, somebody is always sabotaging, being angry,quarreling about “rules.” I am always the one who tries to uphold peace and arrange things in a good way – to no avail and to my great frustration, waking up irritated and exhausted.

This time, everybody in the dream were co-operating. All the games flowed effortlessly; we were all following the organic flow of the processes, nobody had to be special and make fuss.We were all enjoying ourselves, trusting each other.

Waking up, I realized how the dream mirrored a huge change in the mind – from controlling and separation to co-operation and play.

The Course’s approach to pain is radically different: since pain is not created by God, it is imagined and unreal.

I see that after I had worked with pain in the way I have used for so many years, I now felt free to take the Course’s approach – the forgive the belief in value of control, and deny the pain as real. Both approaches lead to freedom.

Something deep inside relaxed as I saw how much I have listened to ego’s voice that ONLY the Course’s approach is the acceptable one – meaning that every time I did a non-Course practice I would feel bad and guilty, and the ego would be satisfied. But of course, what is valuable is  following inner Guidance exposing blocks, and seeing the purpose of holding on to suffering and specialness.

 

 

Little sister in hiding

August 17

I am starting a blog: little sister. It seems important for me to feel «hidden» here – I still have this old fear of being stalked, found out, caught and raped and all that. And today it dawned on me that the stiffening and pain in the neck that I feel constantly, and which brings so much painful heavy headiness, may be connected to me hiding in my head – in dissociation – in fleeing from Love, believing it to be attack.

This insight feels great: the feeling of having to hide or else, does NOT come from truth:just a very old memory of believing a tiny mad idea.

In short: it is not serious.

Little sister...because I still mostly treat Jesus as my big brother whom I trust completely. I want his warm trustworthy hand holding and leading me. Mostly I call him Blue, after a figure I painted in an image  about 20 years ago of a tree with many strange inhabitants. Under the root – in the subconscious – were several dark figures, and a trapped child, waiting for the next attack by insanity. There was also Blue, who was silently smilingly present to it all, witnessing, radiating unconditional Love. Why was He smiling? He knew it was only a dream.

In my darkest most despairing nights, I learned to speak with Blue. He answered, and taught me methods for how to deal with the dark root-figures in a way that was not defensive. He reminded me to BE the space that could embrace that darkness, and find the longing underneath – and the Light beneath the longing.

Gradually – through many many years the thought of BEING Blue became more plausible. In between I am little sister again – needing the safe brothering /parenting I  missed a lot in this dream.

And reminding myself: yes – it IS my dream. The tree is dreamed by me, to trap me in being upset by worldly terrors…and all of that happened only in my dream. It happened through me, not to me.

It’s  not serious.

In short, this is what this blog is meant to teach me.

Little sister

 

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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