Beauty

Today, from “When Fear Comes Home to Love:” Beauty . Case-story.

4 Looking with love / 2006

When Maria arrived for session, I sensed a shock in her system. When I directed her attention to that, she immediately became ice-cold. We found out what year the shock had occurred, and she realized that this was a shock she had picked up from her mother. The shock was lodged in her sexual organs. She remembered that her mother had been very anxious in those years, and that her fear had been about having another baby – she already had three. So she aborted the fourth one.

When we removed the emotional shock-charge, she felt warmth and release, and we both felt grounding and safety.

But Mud did not like this. “What if this does not last? What if tomorrow everything is like before? I will NOT let down my guard. Nope! You can’t make me!”

Now I asked Maria to speak for the skeptic Mud, and inside me I suddenly found much love for this voice: I saw it as the part of us that vigilantly did what we had ordered it to do: look out for anything that could set off the original dreadful life-threatening shock – going into the familiar role of terrorized victim. So we started with thanking Mud for his love and loyalty for us – and suggested that now that we had found a method that could remove the charge from the shock, Mud could go into pension – or at least get some holidays. “He” thought a bit about that, but was afraid to disappear if he didn’t work as much as before. When I asked him what he really would love to do for himself, if he could chose, he told us that he loved beauty. I invited him, via Maria, out into my garden, to pick one living thing of beauty and bring it back with him. From the door to the garden “he” spotted it immediately: a dandelion. It was one of the not- perfect-ones, but beautiful all the same. Maria picked it and brought it back into the room. When she sat down, I “saw” Maria’s deceased mother pointing to Maria’s black purse on the floor, asking her to look inside. I mentioned it to Maria, and she started looking – nothing – and then a big smile: “Here it is. At the bottom.” She managed to list out a bunch of keys. “These are the keys to my childhood-house.”

Beautiful metaphor: “I have the key to my childhood with me / within me.”

Now I asked Maria to write a short text about her experience with the beauty of the dandelion. She wrote:

“When I look at you – the weed – I see beauty. But I also look at all the weed in my own life, stuff in relationships that is really looking like a mess. All this is beautiful when I look at it with love.”

I thought of Victor Frankl, the great writer who survived concentration-camp by realizing that there is one freedom the despots can never take away from us – the freedom of choosing our attitude. Looking with LOVE – or judgment.

Suddenly Maria exclaims “Look – here is a tiny snail, it came with the flower!” We admire the tiniest snail I ever saw – it looks new-born, its little house still transparent. Its tiny antlers are moving, and it is slowly crawling over Maria’s notes from the session. Now it stopped – I wonder what word it has stopped by – it is “beauty.” Good choice for a resting place. There it moves on – away from beauty – but no, it changes its mind and crawls back to beauty. And pulls the antlers in (2mm long) and sleeps.

This is what we call “beauty-sleep.” (Couldn’t resist).

The Enchanted Room

Saturday was all magical.

I visited a dance-performance for toddlers. We entered a white silk Yurt. Seven parents with eight babies about one year old – a happy 3 year old boy – and me. We sat on the floor at the walls of the Yurt, and in our center was a white feathered bird/angel-like girl who with great presence delicately  danced and moved and wordlessly related to the children- and lots of red balloons. She moved with complete presence – delicate slow movements. The babies connected with her and each other.

The dancer played with tiny glass rods in mobiles, their delicate clanking sounds made the babies first look wide eyed and then smiling. At one point, the dancer stepped into what looked like a bird nest of Origami triangles made by many colored silk. She pulled it up – now it looked like a moving pyramid-dress – and then she started to whirl like a dervish.

A strong wind arose in our room, and suddenly all the red balloons lifted and danced

I can’t really share the beauty, poetry and magic about it – but we all felt it and connected on a deep level, and time and space disappeared in pure bliss

At no time – it lasted about 30 minutes – did any baby make a sound – there was one who repeatedly crawled out, was fetched by his mother and at the end was in rapture as the rest

The dancer also played with a big bird-puppet – man-size – became the bird, and played with the babies. At the end, she fell asleep, sitting, and we all tiptoed out not to wake her up

At the door, I asked a smiling lady who had made this wonder of a performance and who had made those amazing props and costumes. “It is me” she beamed – “Oh, are you a theater-person?” I said I was, and started to share about my bliss and gratefulness that some people made creations like this – serving presence, beauty and poetry. I found myself taking her hand and kissing it, she looked at me with tears and gave me a warm hug.

Then a tall beautiful man was standing there – it was her husband, and the composer. We shared about our love for simplicity and presence and poetry, In that moment, my late theater-husband’s spirit was present, I felt his gratitude at the performance and the work – and the husband took a step toward me and embraced me

*

This text  below –in blue – has disappeared two times while writing it. Now I write it for the third time. Thank you God for my determination.

In bed same night, I go into the pelvis again as a teacher has recommended, to find the blocks in the two lower chakras and just BE with them. I find my little Leelah there, and also a huge black snake. She points to it and her eyes are crossed in fear.

I look at it. In a big rush of release and gratitude, I tell her: “Sweetie – it is just a big black balloon!” She instantly becomes present. “Who blew that up?” I asked – she answered dreamingly, “I did – “

“Yes you did honey – and so, the only thing that powers that snake is your own breath and your belief that it has power over you”

She is completely motionless. Gradually her eyes come alive. She looks at me – “I made this up to scare myself and keep myself from doing the bad things all the men told me that I did.”

An awesome smiling Presence is around us. I ask her if she would like to let the air out of that balloon – to allow the fear-image to just … deflate?

She finds something sharp and sticks it into the very tip of the snake. She is not strong enough. I find a sledge and hammer the sharp thing into the rubber – and whhoossh, the punctured snake is catapulted in the air, doing the spastic dance we all know that balloons make when we pull their plug.

It sinks to the ground – a pitiful black rubber skin.

And now we discover the plug – it was there, all the time.

She looks at me right in the eyes now. ” I decided this , Mum. I don’t want to be scared any longer.”

I feel the deep release in my body. Fear has been punctured, seen to be self made.

I see Jesus taking her on his lap, putting his arms around her, and I go to sleep. For the first time in 25 years I have a good night’s sleep: I meet my father in our shared Christed Self, all stories have fallen away – punctured. I notice that next to our house there is a large enclosed area: a beautiful church is there. Its energy reminds me of Corfe Castle in Dorset

*

Before I fall into deep restful sleep, it dawns on me that that white Yurt is such a great image and symbol of a healed root-chakra: the parents and the babies, held and nurtured, bathing in the safety of the white yurt, with playful red balloons and a birdlike messenger from Heaven

 

Sunday  October 12

The Drowning

Sunday, in the morning, I dosed off, and when I awoke, the old agony was there. As usual. I heard “get up” and I would not listen: I was utterly convinced that only sleep could make it better. I was wrong

Sitting with the little Child in the morning, again going into my pelvis and the two lower chakras, I saw an image of a child bursting up from deep down in the sea, gasping for air – oh my God, the agonized feeling in the morning is just Child’s constant companion – “I am drowning – I am going under – and nobody cares.”

I talk to her – reminding her that I am with her in this. After a while, a feeling of death arises – a place where nothing moves or lives, desolated, isolated . At first, I sense irritation – and then, seeped in Grace, it is clear that this is the outskirts of Loneliness – the deepest feeling in the specter of separation.

I feel a surge of release and gratefulness: we have found the outskirts of it, now is the time to dive in.

And we dive.

It is intensely visceral. First the nothingness – the stifled never -voiced cries for help – the hopelessness – the toxic ice needles throughout the body – the fear of being suffocated by violent men’s too big penises – the girl realizes that she does not die, since she is aware of it all – she is what can not die – at this point everything flows easy, and no more dissociation.She hears:

What do you want?

I don’t want this!

SAY IT AGAIN

And there is her voice and her will -!

I – adult Leelah – sense it with all my body: this is my will and I mean it.

Now comes the hatred and rage, like a volcano from her: “I want to shove this penis down God’s throat so he experiences what he wanted me to experience.” Her language is crystal clear, her hatred and violence as well – as well as the details. The venom pours out, all the thoughts and images are just experienced and allowed = forgiven – and suddenly we sense that there is  radiant clear light around us

Like awakening from a nightmare.

I knew about this hatred and fear of God intellectually – the Course really drives that in  – but this was experience. Now I test-drove my new racing car!

She tells me that she needs to rest now, and Jesus sits down with her and they are playing a game with glass pearls.

Thank you Holy Spirit for the clear demonstration that the hatred and violence comes from one false thought in the mind: that God is a cruel God who sees us as sinful and guilty and subjects his children to unnameable cruelness and punishment.

The victim and perpetrator are forever two sides of the same coin: the belief in separation – and separation is happening each moment I believe that I am anything else than the Light and Love He has created me to be.

This Light of Awareness is Who I Am

 

Ley’s post on Facebook today – and mirroring

For those who want a great example of how the “outer world” change when we forgive the Course-way, this is for you.

Yes, and obviously for me too – grin

Ley:Had a beautiful experience yesterday that I’d like to share with you. My son came over with his girlfriend and her 8 yr old daughter and we were having a lovely time. As the day wore on it was apparent that my son and his girl liked to play fight a lot. We were all laughing and watching them roll around, quite lighthearted and fun but then it kind of turned a bit more serious and you could see the power struggle going on between them. It more and more aggressive and no matter what I said, they just carried on and things came to a head when she kicked out at him and hit him square in the nose, accompanied by a big CRACK!

As i watched, i could see how angry he was and how worried she was at what she had done. He immediately called for pain killers and was making her feel very guilty for what she had done, telling her she had broken his nose. I could see the guilt on her face and she was saying that she felt so bad and kept apologising. He was storming around the flat, very clearly trying to calm himself down and not lash out as he was tempted to, it was all very clear.

As i was watching this, I noticed all kinds of judgements coming up in the mind. I was hearing these thoughts that were saying that this should not be happening, especially in front of a small child. Judgements came about how aggressive he was and also how aggressive she was too. There were thoughts that said she had gone too far and ones that thought she should know better than to allow her child to witness this level of aggression. They just came tumbling out of the mind, one after another. I just watched as the judgements flowed and asked spirit to watch this with me.

As I continued to watch what was going on, it suddenly became clear to me that I was watching the past. I was watching all my own judgements of similar situations playing out right in front of me. I had been a play fighter with my husband and very often it would go too far and someone would end up getting hurt (and there would be guilt). I had memories surfacing of thinking i was a bad mum for letting my children see certain things throughout their lives. I had memories of acting inappropriately in social settings, that i had felt guilt around. It all just bubbled up as i watched this display unfold in front of me. Spirit showed me that I was watching the past playing out in the present. They were all my old judgements of myself!

So instead of continuing and allowing the ego judgements to be believed, I was shown that there was another way of seeing this. No need for judgements, just recognition. I was being gifted with seeing my own guilt, right in front of me, looking like a bad situation in the dream but in reality, it was an opportunity to release and forgive all these judgements i’d had of myself. There is no one ‘outside’ of me to judge. This was my own stuff. Spirit was clearly showing me that what the body’s eyes were reporting was NOT the truth. All it took was to ask spirit to look with me and all of this unfolded and became so very clear to me. As I looked further, so many memories of the past came up, helping me to see where i had believed the judgements that ego had placed on them. I’d listened to the ego’s story and believed it and now, I could finally let that go.

It was like a tsunami of memories flooded the mind, all there asking to be healed. They were lining up to come and be heard. As I saw each one, I forgave it and forgave the whole situation in front of me too. I could see that this was indeed a HUGE gift to see what i was seeing and instead of my son leaving under a cloud of guilt or shame or even anger (or judgement from me), he left peacefully and we parted with a gentle kiss goodbye, not having designed more problems between us. It was peaceful and loving and felt so totally wonderful.(even if his nose was a little sore )

As I forgave, i could see the effect that it had on the situation. It calmed down so quickly, with us even ending up laughing about it. All i could do was sit in awe afterwards. I was just so grateful to have finally seen another huge chunk of what i had been holding in beliefs. The healing is still coming in now. Memories are flooding up to be seen with Spirit and forgiven, I am finally seeing what it was i had been hiding in the unconscious that was holding me in those patterns that told me i was a bad mum, a bad wife, a bad example, aggressive, power hungry, inappropriate.

I release all of these ideas now to spirit and know that more will come, now that I am welcoming them to my conscious mind. There’s no longer fear about allowing this to come. There is only recognition that in all the time i was resisting looking at what i truly believed about myself, all the guilt and the repressed anger and the judgements of me could come now, safely, without fear that I can’t bear to look at it. None of it was EVER true and now I’m truly beginning to see that all along i was just listening to a story that just wasn’t real. (Leelah’s formatting)

Grateful and blessed

This is what resting in God brings. I’m in!!!!

*

Dear Ley, this was really helpful! 3 situations seen through because of your post:

1)I went to the mall, had a coffee and had my first situation up for correction: a veryveryvery fat lady sat beside me, eating very fattening food. Oops judgment galore. Then she left the table – let her bag at the table. I finished my  coffee and went after her, and told her that she might not take the chance of leaving her bag there for everybody to steal. She looked right at me, smiled and said “there is nothing in it of value. I have  all my values here, with me.” – She carried her purse in her hand …

First I looked at the way I have believed that body-appearance had any thing to do with value. Oh boy. Forgave that. And remembered a very unexpected happening this morning.

I have been fasting 2 a week for a couple of months. I stated my intention to weigh 55 kilos – that’s the weight my body feels best with. Last time, 14 days ago when i stepped on that scale, the body weighed 57. I remember the way I felt when i said my decision: “I really prefer my body to weigh 55.” There was no urge there anymore.

Then I forgot the whole fasting for 14 days! The last week I have had very fattening food for at least 5 days – ice cream galore, pie,champagne:) fish swimming in cream and mango-chutney and carry  – all yum. So this morning I started the fasting again and stepped on the scales.

I had lost 4 pounds

The Course tells us that the food we eat does not fatten us – but our guilty beliefs about such food does.

*

2)Then I  encountered an old schoolmate 40 years ago. We happened to be subjected to rape by 2 Carabinieri -friends*- yes – i n  Florenz. Now we live in the same area, and she always looks down and away when we happen to meet. – What does she mirror for me? a denial of the possibility of sharing pain. We both said nothing to anybody afterwards. (We were on a study-trip as art-students.) I forgive myself for believing this happening showed a slutty character – which goes back to childhood, when I was accused of this. – Which again is so typical in abused people’s past.

Forgiven now.

*

Came home. A neighbor told me I needed to cut my lawnInside the strawI said yes and went inside – and thought, no – this little meadow is a sweet piece of art to me: I can lay in it and look through the straw and enjoy life and beauty.

So  I went out and told her it is a piece of art –  and she said, in a complete change of mind, “it is like a fairy tale – like the times when we were small and were inside things..”

I asked her if she could sit down in it so i could photo her – clear no. Mirroring: As child, I would rather be dead that photographed. As I forgave myself for judging myself for this, the sweetest peace came over me. And my neighbor turned towards me and smiled

 

 

*Policemen

 

 

Signs from Mystery

Late signs:

1.sign.

In the living room, 2 days ago: I am looking at a painting I made some 10 years ago or so – and i see, in the very center of the Sun/Self a radiant rainbow-spot of brilliant pulsating light. Its source is a prism hanging in my window. The very second I notice the light in the center of the Sun, my cellphone sounds:it is a message from a healer: he is available for sessions this week.

I order a session 🙂

The effect has gone when I take this photo – but I am sure you can imagine the magical effect of that shimmering Light in the center of the Sun:

 

The Sun

I have lately started a new workout-regime called TIMANI. We learn ways to stretch the Fascia- muscles inside the thighs – and boy has that had consequences for my nervous system to flare up in overwhelm.

A friend recently shared this on Facebook:

“… the things that I used to believe. But as they come, I gently take them by the hand and lead them to the Truth, where they gradually fade and disappear, leaving me in the peace that I have always been. I bring them to the Kingdom, where God gently wipes them away, as the dream that they always were and I am blessed beyond measure. Thankyou my Beloved, and the Truth will set us free. “

After digesting the truth in this, after two days in agony, suddenly a great clarity comes through me: This is just the old stories of the inner child, coming up to be released. In that moment, ca 80% of the agony dissipates.

This is from Jeshua from Way of Mastery – Radical Inquiry™:

“We cannot awaken unless we are willing to ‘turn back’ through Radical Inquiry™ and discover what has been rendered unconscious and cut off from awareness; there to greet it as our own creation, to welcome it home, as it were, into the embrace of our present love.”

I practice this diligently

 Dream early yesterday morning:

It is Christmas Eve.There is a very angry and upset man banging on my door in my childhood’s home. He looks crazy and rather volatile. I lean out of the window, and smile with all my heart at him, asking him what he wants. He explains that he has a package to deliver, and I ask him in for a cup of warm cocoa. He comes inside, and I recognize that my smile is genuine: I truly care for him. This changes his demeanor completely.

When I wake up, I am reminded of the story about Milarepa and the demons that came visiting – and him inviting them in for tea. They melted too 🙂

2.Sign:

I enter my Healing room. Close to my seat a wasp has chosen its place to die. I have screens in front of all openings in my house – I am afraid of the effects of wasp-stinging.

Death of a poisenous attacker

The first wasp that I remember stinging me, played an important role in my exploration of an archetype I describe in “When fear comes home to Love:” “Bird.” Here is the start of that chapter:

It is midsummer. I am about five. I sit in the tall grass in front of our house. The air is heavy from sweet flower-fragrances and the dense humming from happy busy insects. A wasp stings my finger. It immediately swells, it hurts terribly, I scream and scream.

Mummy comes. My Mummy. She takes me in her arms and hugs me hard, she cries when she sees the bursting finger: “Pooooooor little Leelah!” … I sit and listen breathlessly to a story about chameleons. You can see it on the illustration in the book: there it sits on a branch, quiet as a mouse – it blends perfectly into the foliage… there comes the fat fly walking, and zing! The long tongue shoots out and glues itself to its victim. Yack! – There the chameleon jumps to another branch, the colors change. Look at his belly changing colors after the branch – and the back takes the pattern after the flowers above! Each millimeter of this animal can adapt to its surroundings.

My Mummy convinces me that this animal is not make-believe: it is for real. I am spellbound by the chameleon.

The figure carrying the chameleonic in the J&H-myth is the Bird:

“I must adapt to the family’s / the surrounding’s expectations and demands. My only reason for existence is making them satisfied and happy. Suffering is safe. I just have to eradicate myself and blend into the surroundings. I leave myself and take the others inside. I digest their pain. I hold on to it. No one must see it .I keep the family-secret. Myself? I need nothing.”

Now this wasp – this archetype of giving poison and pain – has made its way into my Healing room and given up life in front of my Place – no more an instrument of pain, now the sign of a surrender of an old role in my soul’ make-up.

I love that little wasp: I want to honor it and get the idea to draw an angel card: OBEDIENCE is the first. I place the wasp on it:it gave up his life as wasp in fron of this symbolic place of my Self. Oh how I love those surrendered outstretched wings.

I am then asked to draw two more cards – and I draw HUMOUR and BEAUTY.

DSC01242

3.Sign yesterday afternoon:

I am looking through old journals and taking photos. I am looking at a old drawing in my journal:

The kiss

The kiss

 

In the same second I take the photo, an electronic doorbell sounds from upstairs – but this is not the sound I have chosen: it is much harsher.

I run up the stairs, the bell is still chiming in my room and there is nobody outside my door.

My mind had a strong energetic signal connected to that image when I drew it-  this time I was open for it. I do not know where it comes from – thank God I do not have to figure it out – but I can and will do what Jeshua suggests above: greet it as our own creation, to welcome it home, as it were, into the embrace of our present love.”

AMEN

 

 

 

 

 

 

Conditioning breaking off

Yesterday a spiritual teacher sent a very high and loving energy. It felt so wonderful and uplifting that I listened to her tape twice.

The night was one of the worst. I prayed for help and insight, and in the morning it was suddenly clear:

The split off girl – that I have mentioned some times, particularly in the bio – has the last days come more forth. I was shown this morning that the harsh defense against love that comes each time I have a breakthrough, is nothing else than a habitual reflection to a very traumatizing split that happened again and again with her father: first, there was a loving union of minds and hearts – and then, from Heaven right into the darkest hell: something took him over and the abuse started.

Of course a child will learn to split these experiences off – but what was most awful about it was that I/she learned to see love as a signal to horror – she conditioned herself to immediately go into dissociation.

And the miracle now is that I this morning see the possibility for beauty  and healing in this: instead of the habitual conditioned disgust and hatred of  the part that defends itself so strongly and create all these pains for so many years, I can be with “her” and hold her need for defense in the heart – and in that way, stop all the judgment that makes it stay.

Twice this day did I experience “her” crying in release, when “she” was met.

Shifting Gears

Perfect timing, perfect teacher: Rikka Zimmerman. Free download on her website: Three keys to loving you. ½ hour mp3 talk, or streaming. When I substitute her terms “Universe” with “Holy Spirit”, and “You” with “Christ/true Self, “everything she says works for A Course student too – and I can’t describe how freeing it feels to hear a new terminology! Most Course students have a hard time with the metaphysics, and because of that there are lots of possibilities for using the Course to bypass pain and “understand”  it to destruction of its message: we are infinite and eternal loving beings, and what we believe becomes our experience.To wake up, we need to be willing to change our perception  – be willing to be wrong that it is correct.

Here is how Rikka’s three steps went for me this morning:

1) Have a loving moment.

Memory: My daughter and I sit next to each other on a bench in front of a large painting in an empty Gallery. We talk about the painting and art in general – we are both artists – and there is a perfect resonance between us. A big loving space opens, the joy of being able to share freely, even wordlessly, our common love of the creative process.

I allow this field of Love to expand now

2)Feel yourself expanding all beyond the Universe.

I feel the freedom and Love that is in this Space, where boundaries between bodies are non-existent. Asking questions like “What does the ocean/ the mountain/ the grass (your cat:)) know about its love for me?”

OH

Allowing this Love to permeate me

Then, being asked to be aware how there are stuck and painful places in the body which cannot/will not accept Love  – allowing them to just be – staying lovingly with them until they unlock or melt.That may take time.

Being told that when the defense-voices tell us to give it up, this is a sign that you will never succeed in this, your pain is SO special and horrible just notice instead what is already changing in the body.

For me this morning, this put a stop to the most nerve-racking pattern in my mind ( see red sentence) – and I started to notice the places of changes in body and deliberately – by choice – placed my attention there.

With this decision, all the judgments of this horrible old me fell away: the red was crystal clear seen as a false thought.

3) Stop hitting yourself on the head with the sandbox shovel

Rikka tells us that the universe is a sandbox with lots of tools – and when we see other children hitting themselves over the head with “I am so stupid” we learn to do it too. Some of the children accept it, and others hit other children on the head instead – and she asks us to notice when we participate in this child game and see a stop sign – and in that moment instead choosing the free flow of expansion/Love.

We might in our life witness other people hitting themselves and others over the head – and we simply can put down our own shovel and  choose to put our focus on beauty/love instead.

Lace-tea

Lace tea

Lace tea is gentle and feminine, you drink it with leasure. Google Translate just translated leasure with pleasure.Nice try.

Happy tea time everyone. May it reflect the beauty you most need to digest

One perfect thought

One perfect Thought…

A little poem by my brother Bernard that truly tries to capture the feeling of lightness and wonder when we discover how simple this path really is…

One perfect Thought

All I am ever faced with is a thought.

There is nothing else out there.

No lying mechanic, no cheating supplier.
No slow-paying client or unfaithful spouse.
No awful weather, no miserable day, no nagging, demanding children.
No inefficient government employee, no empty fridge, no broken supermarket trolley.
No lack of parking space, no weak coffee, no aging skin.
And no rampant fever or uncontrollable disease.

They are not there.

All I am ever relating to is a thought.

A simple thought about these things appearing in my world.
Oh, they are there. But just as images.
Take away the thought,
The thought of vulnerability, of hate, of viciousness and murder,
The thought of sadness and deprivation, of outrage and despair.
The thought of loss and lack and want.
Of guilt and burning shame and sinfulness.
Of incapacity and hopelessness.
Of failed redemption.
Take away all these thoughts, just let them go,
And what is left is purely an image.

Oh, and something else, quite magnificent. Quite extraordinary, and beautiful.
Take away these thoughts,
And a Thought reveals itself to me.
Not a superficial, insipid and manipulative thought,
But a majestic, illuminated Thought,
One of bounty, happiness and perfection.
A veritable Presence.
Not just a thought, but a feeling, an experience, a Life.
No, even more than this.
An entire World appears before me.
But now a world of beauty and peacefulness,
Where all things lie blessed in a calm that extends outwards
And reaches to all corners of the planet,
All parts of the Universe.

There is no hatred. It is not there.
There was just a mistake, that is all.
A mistaken vision, an awkward, inaccurate perception.
In all appearances of horror, shame and despair,
That magnificent, calm Presence lies waiting.
Waiting.
Patient.
Ever so calm and patient.
Happy. Smiling.
Gentle beyond words, accepting beyond hope,
Beyond all my dreams of acceptance and salvation.
I am saved. I was never lost.
I was an image, and now I remember Reality.

*

Bernard Groom, author of Paulo and the Magician, a guidebook to A Course in Miracles

Take care of yourself

Practicing “The Untethered Soul”-way  has flowed easily and with grace. It has been simple to experience my Self as the Observer, the Witness – and not getting involved in whatever the mind presents. I love Singer’s way of describing the practice – he tells us to watch us watch, and not get involved in what we watch – “don’t play with it” he says, and this sentence is written in gold for me.

I have needed to make an important distinction – when to play/engage in stories and form and when NOT.

As artist  and therapist embracing  all art modalities,  I know that all CAN be played with. That is what “Healing Crisis – 108 ways to turn crises into possibilities” is all about. You may read more about that work on this blog, where I present the 4 books I am in the process of self-publishing.

What I discover with Singer’s process is that as soon as darkness wells up, just as energy, I can relax physically and intentionally let it go. That has worked phenomenally for a couple of days. I have found that if I get the impulse to paint or dance or writes stories/poems to deal with the pain, that is excellent – it is fun! and effective! -But sometimes it is simpler just to release it. What becomes clear is that my Self wants me to enjoy the process and not “work” at it.

So yesterday it was just impossible to stay in the watcher-position. I wrote this poem instead –  being conscious that I want the underlying message to come through: the art of  hiding any outer signs of protest or distress, so the facade seems completely flawless. You find it in all families where the demon of perfection is a member.

 

Doll

My mother has sewed a national costume for me.I wear an embroidered bonnet on my blond hair, and  a white cotton blouse with wide sleeves under the embroidered costume.

She has sewed at night to finish it in time for my performance .She has even made one for my doll Anne too.

Anne belongs to me

I am a clever and talented little girl: I make poems and melodies and perform them from a stage at my school closure, accompanying myself on a little accordion. My parents sit very close to me. They will let me know every error I made afterwards. This is love.

Under the dress, allergic itching boils cover all of the body – except for my face and hands which is visible.

Afterwards my father tells me that I should have sung with more feeling.

So I accepted where I was and took care of myself as best I could. And had a wondrous dream:

I am visiting a School for Teachers. I am there to teach – the old technique my husband had taught me on how to create puppets,  more than 100 years old. When I entered the infinite corridor of the school, where discoveries and observation and play was happening everywhere – (no blackboards) I felt hilarious with joy. And I decided that I would happily leave my old tradition.

I visited many classrooms, and everywhere I felt  the same joy of exploration and inclusion. Nobody – absolutely nobody were excluded in the creative process, and it was a matter of course that everyone’s input was invaluable. This created an exquisite feeling of unity and joy.

Then I met a strong and exuberant man called Benner – or something like it. He had this great motor bike, and I hopped on as passenger. Complete freedom! We are now driving down a muddy slope, and before us lays the ocean. Oops  – is this safe? I decide that it is: that Benner knows what he is doing.

And there we are, flying across the water surface with immense speed. We fly so fast that the nature is starting to seem flurry – the forms dissolve and becomes light. We flow through a tunnel of this light, the beauty  and joy is indescribable.

In this school, it was demonstrated that the most joyous work came out of the structure that everybody’s inputs were valued.The Self was playing with Itself, and if a “part” of the Self had a sense of “No, not like that”, that sense belonged to the truth of the process and was just picked up  by that part. And the result was perfection – but the perfection in Self and not in  separate self, as the Doll-poem was about.

 

 

 

 

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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