Begging at the Bridge

I had a Skype session yesterday with a healer who saw a part of me that felt not worthy and not deserving of all the help I have from angels and guides and masters. I set an intention to find it and I did: I was seeing the image of a Rumanian woman who begs in our little town. There are four “beggars” there – the three others just sit there with their papercups, but this woman stretches her arms out after us, speaks in Rumanian, rubs her fingers together and my stomach crawls. Last time she did it, I indulged in showing her my disgust, turned back at her and frowned, and her face was contorting in disgust at me.

The energetic response in the body was hatred, anger and a huge feeling of toxicity. Now I lay in bed in the morning and felt literally sick to my stomach at the thought of having to pass this woman next time on my way to the Mall – when I heard Blue say the word “ not worthy.”

Ah! Freedom: she is a mirror. She does something I have judged tremendously: beg for help to live, to be seen and acknowledged as somebody who needs help. Completely dependent on peoples’ willingness to give her money – or care.

In this moment, gratitude flows through me: all judgment melts. I take my little inner child in my arms and allow her to scream for help. There is a big need to be seen in her worth – not because of any talents she has, just as she IS. I watch the tremendous meaning I have given to my talents – and the need to feel valuable and worthy by being a “good girl” who sees others as deserving, but who pales at the idea to acknowledge her own God given value.

I speak to the begging woman inside and ask for help to see her innocence. Michael is helping me, asking me to bless her in her true Self. Again I sense the strong waves of disgust and toxicity, the strong self-hatred, and also hatred at the “rich” people around her who seems to hate her – and I so own my own hatred at the people I saw around me who I believed all knew what was happening to me but couldn’t care less because I really was not worth caring about.

At this point, I realized that I was inside an archetype, and the cause of this was a thought in the One Mind that it was a good experiment to separate from God.

No wonder the “no worth” -identity is one of ego’s most cherished corner stones.

I prayed to Holy Spirit to replace my false perception of myself – and the “ beggar” – with His perception: all Love and Loved forever.

Now I see the sweet mirror: the Mall may symbolize abundance and Self . There is a bridge between me and Self – and to truly cross it, I must learn to not judge my response to the two beggars there : there is my classroom. Forgiving the idea of man of no value, and the ego’s contempt of this.

 

 

It IS not serious!

Just finished half an hour sharing/Sedona-session with Cary.

I had just received an email telling me that a delivery of Baking Soda was – for the 3rd time by this firm – delivered to a wrong address. They told me to pick it up by the other address, or else I would have to pay big fines – and they did not send me ONE mail about this: they sent 5!

So I got the message: please look at this. What is it that you hold on to?

I found a fear of having to pay for other peoples’ “faults” – i.e. rapes, abuse, lies, demands, insanity as a child. They told me I deserved it, I believed them.

I believed them -I  had held on to the belief that all this was real, and defined me. Yes, the acts happened – but all the stories ABOUT why they happened and what they said was NOT real – and my identity as “the one who all this happened TO” was not my true identity.

As that fear came bubbling up, I saw that it is my belief that I have to pay – my belief in “my” sinfulness and guilt attracted these violators.And it is that belief that still manifested “outside” of me: I projected it on this firm.

But now Cary asked if I could enjoy what I felt? and I could! It’s just feelings! It’s just anger! Could I allow myself to enjoy the  anger? Sure! And how!

Enjoy is such a simple word. Enjoying anger allows me to see that it is my perception that is warped and absurd -and that is the very definition of the ego.

Now we started to laugh so hard we cry. Oh, the absurdity of it all: “Life is serious, my daughter.”

It lasts for quite a beautiful non-existent time.

And it reminds me about a recent beautiful encounter I had in town with a man I thought was begging.

He looked like he had slept outside for a long time.  He had a crutch.He had a paper cup at his side- and I dropped some coins in it – but it was not empty, it had coffee inside. I exclaimed “oh NO!” and he took my hand in both his, kissed it and smiled at me. It felt like Jesus had taken on a REALLY convincing costume.

I felt high for hours after that meeting.

Worth

Leaving the buss-station,my path crosses 3 beggars in a short distance. They are from Rumania,and they beg the old European way: hands together in prayer position, and tormented expressions. I get the same feeling each time: a mixture of disgust/anger/hatred/guilt and pity. Yesterday I decided to ask Blue to see them as He does. Something heavy inside let go – and on my way to the first beggar I knew that I would recognize the Holy Son of God. I started to smile. I smiled at the young woman without seeing her as “beggar” at all – just  my  Holy Brother. She, being seen without her role, looked at me and smiled radiantly with no begging-energy whatsoever. And I realized that I had given her what she really wanted: I had seen her worth. A recognition had been made.

I see that I have been doing the same begging thing so often  – without the rags and bags. Don’t I go after others validation? Don’t I believe somehow that they can give me something I do not own? That it is possible to get it from “others?”

In the moment when we recognized our Spirit, there was a field of immense Grace and worth. And I knew that no amount of money could compare to the worth she had been given – and the lesson  I had experienced.

When I smiled at her on my way back, it felt like we had always been the best of friends. And again Grace was present.

T-18.I.10. In you there is no separation, and no substitute can keep you from your brother. 2 Your reality was God’s creation, and has no substitute. 3 You are so firmly joined in truth that only God is there. 4 And He would never accept something else instead of you. 5 He loves you both, equally and as one. 6 And as He loves you, so you are. 7 You are not joined together in illusions, but in the Thought so holy and so perfect that illusions cannot remain to darken the holy place in which you stand together. 8 God is with you, my brother. 9 Let us join in Him in peace and gratitude, and accept His gift as our most holy and perfect reality, which we share in Him.

T-18.I.11. Heaven is restored to all the Sonship through your relationship, for in it lies the Sonship, whole and beautiful, safe in your love. 2 Heaven has entered quietly, for all illusions have been gently brought unto the truth in you, and love has shined upon you, blessing your relationship with truth. 3 God and His whole creation have entered it together. 4 How lovely and how holy is your relationship, with the truth shining upon it! 5 Heaven beholds it, and rejoices that you have let it come to you. 6 And God Himself is glad that your relationship is as it was created. 7 The universe within you stands with you, together with your brother. 8 And Heaven looks with love on what is joined in it, along with its Creator.

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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