Choices

I dreamed this morning that I was in a big hospital, and that I somehow had got a new face. I thought it was operated on, I imagined people were looking strangely at it ( I did not try to find a mirror.) But I remembered the feeling when I woke up – the desperation of not wanting to be seen, “discovered” etc …horrible feeling. Blue told me in his most loving voice to open my own book at the bedside. ( See Menu right column: When Fear Comes Home to Love)

Here it is:

 I am not a Tarantula / May 2015

Deep pain in the chest:

I don’t want to be seen! I hate you! Go away! I will kill you!

I am sitting with lesson 125 in the Course“In quiet I receive God’s Word today” – and I hear: “ These are the voices of the guardians you created around the little Leelah-identity. In her worst moments, out of deep guilt and shame that she told herself that she WAS, she cried out inside herself: “Hide me! I MUST NOT BE FOUND!” Guilt was speaking – and she was fusing with the guilt, identifying with it – and when she cried out from this fear-identity, fear-creatures/entities came and told her “we will protect you – if you will allow us to use you.”

Of course she took that offer of protection – and the entities used her as their source of food or energy.”

I know this is true with all of me. I speak:  “I am the source of this. I judge you not. I extend forgiveness to myself for what I have made.” I ask Archangel Michael and his army for help to guide these entities back to where they came from, and as I say this, I am shown that I have attracted these “false protectors” into all the body’s openings. By calling for them, they have come. Fear called for fear and darkness, and called from darkness – identifying with darkness/guilt/shame.

In this NOW, I am listening to God: “Now breathe into that heart-space. It is open now.” And then it happens: I see a black silky Tarantula leg hesitantly moving out – I feel terror – and realize in the same second that this has been the very symbol for fear for me – as for so many. “Beloved Leelah, you are not a spider,” I tell her – and gradually the heart space warms up, and I see her: scared and confused – but freed from the spell and fusing.

 

Be patient” says Blue. “There are many layers here. The nervous system will need some time to adjust, the old habits and beliefs will try to re-attach themselves – you have believed this to be YOU for almost 70 years. From now on, we ask you to intend to recognize the old patterns when they come – and for you to realize it is only an echo, and that you can let go of it.”

When I was 11 years old, I was taking ballet-classes – and I still remember some of the steps in an Italian Tarantula I danced – with a Tambourine, and a light blue short dress

Going out in the sun now”

***

 

So I lay in bed and  did the forgiveness exercise of my *creation object* on everything I felt in the body – and esp. candida responded with such gratitude and release – big relaxation and expansion in the tummy.  I also notice the advise of patience – and I started to truly SEE the myriads of entities of all kind I unknowingly had called to me to hide me.

I know in my bones that this is relevant for many of us – the realization of how much we have WANTED darkness to be there – (not realizing what we wanted) and then we have judged it and repressed it further. Oh the irony

Now I was open to truly SEE what I had created – and therefore, seen from this perspective, I saw the innocence within them all, the willingness of Being to form itself into all kind of scariness so that this terrified inner me would not be found. I could see them as “echoes” only – which helped me to not see them as “mine” anymore – and therefore, easily dismissed in gratefulness.

On this level, it was so exciting and easy to go back to the very place of power where I had  chosen darkness, and now choose again. It was such a power in that place, what an amazing discovery. I could rest there, there was no time there, just “ what do I want now?

And the knowing also that patience is needed – there are many layers.

But the choice has been done

 

 

 

Healing Without Rejecting

Written yesterday, November 15

I  experience right now  the very essence of what I have called the inner attacker in my mind – that I so often have manifested/projected on the “outside” world. To allow it is a bliss beyond words, and still I will use words to share with you.

What gave the rise to the healing that is now in action – is this:

I share two long ladders with my neighbors in the row of our houses. You can hatch them into each other if you need to climb really high. My new neighbors have put up a new “holder” for it – – and now I have to stand on a smaller ladder to reach up under the roof where these two big ladders are hatched into each other, to take one of them down. They weigh a lot. The little ladder is wiggly and so I feel very wobbly up there.

This put me straight into the very essence of this old attach/defense-wound: “They (my neighbor) WANT me to fall down, to suffer, to hurt myself. They are attacking me. I HATE THEM and want them to suffer as I do.”

It is remarkable to notice that all this still go on on the inside, like a tape – and that as long as I do not become aware of it, IT commands my mind: I think this is ME.

AMAZING to experience the power of it.

I got another taller neighbor to get one of the ladders down for me – he too had to struggle hard to get separate them from that hatch-mechanism – (seen as a proof that I was right in my judgment of my neighbors. And that my intense hatred of them was justified – my strong perception and belief was that they did this to attack me.)

People – this is how it looks when we carry deep old atrocious pain from our childhood – and have been told by parents and society that” you are BAD if you have these BAD feelings – anger is BAD, and especially GIRLS are BAD when they show them. Hatred: oh you are beyond redemption – since now GOD does not love you either. God ONLY loves nice children.”

So I braved myself and went over to my neighbors, and the woman came out. Her face looked contorted when she opened her door – and now I realize that this were mirror-neurons – her face reflected how I looked and felt unconsciously. Still, we talked friendly how we could solve this – and she told me that her husband, who is very tall, had bumped his head into the ladder when it was lying in the way it used to before they got this new hatch.

It turned out that she talked in generally – but my first impulse was that my sin had almost killed him.

OHMYGOD maybe he now lied inside bleeding because of me – GUILTY BAD GIRL – I must be punished

And everything the body felt at that time  60 years ago when this was learned, I learned to push down – or rather, the defense mechanism pushed it.

And so it has been all my life – 71 years – and this morning, I was turned around TOWARD the wound, with Matt Kahns words. He is teaching us how to talk to our self:

“So we close our eyes and relax our breath, and I say on your behalf: whether to this mind, to this heart, to this body, to any memory, to any grudge, to any disappointment, to any grief, to any loss, to any form of lack, to any illness, disease or unbalance: “I am so sorry that I have judged you so harshly and forgotten that you are a catalyst of Divinity. No matter how you were sent, and how you appear in my life. I realize that you are bringing to my attention an opportunity for me to enter into such an accelerated journey of healing beginning to balance the decease or the conditions that has come to me. As of this moment, I no longer judge myself for what I have manifested,I no longer judge other for what I seem to be dealing with, and instead I realize that I have manifested this as an opportunity to grow in consciousness, to manifest what I have previously judged as “less”, or “lacking”, as something less than the Light, and it is an opportunity for me to change my relationship with Life.”

This radiant moment I understand why it says that Light has no opposite: it’s because of my judgment of the situation/what is happening that I perceive the Light as darkness and pain – in reality, this is the greatest gift Life and God could give me right now.

“Thank you for being in my life. I love you so much. You are beautiful and you are wonderful just as you are. And maybe instead of asking the Universe to heal this and clear this out of my field – what if I take a revolutionary step: What if I say to the disease, the imbalance, to the pain, to the suffering, what if I say to IT: what can I do for you to give you a better experience of me?”

And so – this is what I did this morning – when I sensed the utterly familiar sensation of the lump: hatred, this shouldn’t be like this, I am wrong, I do it wrong, I hate myself, I hate THEM, I hate God for not helping me through this ( writing this, my heart is skipping beats) oh this is hopeless I give up (but at least I am being nice about it.)

And I turned toward it and asked it what Matt suggested.

This is a collective thought form/entity/”being” that the Holy Son of God has manifested since time and space and has accepted as real. It is not “mine” – and I have made it utterly mine, because of my denial of its Original Light. In this moment, in this One Mind that I Am – it is being brought to healing.

What can I do for you to give you a better experience of me?”

The first it said was “please give up your judgment of me – that turns me into darkness.”

And then “ just BE with me as the judgment-spell is taken off me”

I realize I have demonized my Self – and that It is not in the least affected by it – why? Because I am ever only hurt by my perception: in reality, the Self is eternally pure and Holy Spirit, but I – and we all – have pretended it is not.

And that is the prerequisite for separation.

In reality, nothing happened – and as long as I still partly identify with the body, I will experience the consequences of that original error –

But it is not serious, as Jesus repeatedly tells us in the Course, and in the Way of Mastery.

This is Matt’s take on healing without rejecting

“-How can I serve you – your sweet pain?

“- If we ever turn into whatever we try to heal, let us remember the two word mantra “Thank You. Thank you for being a part of my life. Thank you for being what guarantees my love becomes unconditional. Thank you for being immune for all my spiritual negotiation and manipulation, for not allowing me to turn away from this invitation to love myself. Thank you for the opportunity to be a steadfast teacher in my life and to only bring to my attention how much more support and love that I need to give to myself – even if I live in a world where everyone else seems to be concerned with everyone else except me. Thank you for ensuring my healing will be complete when my love has become more unconditional in nature. Thank you! I love having you in my life. – We have to shift from “I don’t want to have this in my life, to “hello beautiful catalyst of consciousness, hello disease, hello imbalance, hello grief, hello loss, hello disappointment, hello victimhood – what can I do to serve your journey? How can I make your experience of me better? How can I focus on being more interested in serving the experience of the illness and imbalance within me – instead of trying to get rid of it, and how I wish life would change? Can we turn inward, and just complement and honor this illness, imbalance and disease like it is child, just begging for love and approval – “you are perfect the way you are, even if I hate the experience you provide.” I know you are only here to be loved, even if I hate the feelings in my body. How can I create the best experience in my body while you are with me – I know this isn’t going last forever – but this will go on until I change the way I relate to myself, instead of insisting things must change first within me. How can I serve your experience? Let me be your companion – let me be your friend – and may it make my love unconditional – for the evolution of my journey and the benefit for all I am meant to encounter. Thank you for this disease, thank you for this illness, thank you for this imbalance, thank you for this pain, thank you for this adversity, thank you for this opportunity to bear my soul and become more honest, loving ,compassionate and complementary than ever before, thank you thank you thank you.

Everything that shows up in my field is what the other consciousness has not yet embraced. It does not matter if it is “mine” or “their” – it is here to be complemented like I am its closest companion.

.

Lesson 282: I will not be afraid of love today.

Amazing day

I woke up with a strong dizziness for the third day in a row. At the mall, I was aware of a cluster of energy around me,and that it was neutral, not “mine.” In that second, the dizziness started to evaporate.

I was aware of my condemnations and judgments – and they were neutral, I allowed them to be.

What a tremendous difference: between judging my judgments = PRESSURE and SHOULDING and SELFBLAMING – and just noticing it with interested curiosity

Then I heard a thought that said: You have ordered everything that happens today. And absolute everything was great. Feeling irritation at waiting for the bus was great! Feeling bored listening to a lecture was great! There simply wasn’t a small me it was happening to.

walking to the bus I noticed this tree – or entwining of two trees, really:

DSC_0455 A spruce – entwined with the red wine.  It seemed like they co-existed harmoniously. Like all those pesky ego-voices inside – today just allowed, but given no power at all.

NICE

I noticed that the body felt just as crappy as it uses too – I was just interestedly being aware of it. Neutral.  No fear, no guilt and worry – just sumthin.

There’s still pressures and stuff going on in the body – but I don’t take them personally or serious. Which does not mean that I ignore them – I allow them to be there- but there are no stories about them.

For me, that is just L I B E R A T I N G  beyond description.

There was just a tremendous tiredness – and I sat down and allowed it. It did not mean anything – I just sat, with no pressure to fix anything – and it just slipped away, gently.

Ah. The simplicity of non-doing.

Not being afraid of Love today.

Resting in being, letting life be lifing

Reality – and where we think we live

My friend Coreen R.Walson allowed me to print her crystal clear teaching story about reality here.  When you find yourself reacting with WHAT! please read to the end: reality is the upside-down of what it seems to be in this world.

And I couldn’t have read that if I had not experienced this upside-down perception myself –  where the laws of Love were seen to be quite the opposite from the laws of “nature.”

Enjoy.

*

THE HALLWAY –

Imagine a long hallway, and you are at the beginning of it. And at the other end is a brilliant, white light, yet it is soft and warm, and inviting. And you know intuitively that it is your job to keep focused on this white light. While you are in this hallway, you experience perfect peace, complete satisfaction, a quiet sense of joy and a tremendous sense of gratitude, and a remembrance of your connection to and Oneness with the Creator floods your consciousness. And in this stillness you know that everything works together in perfect harmony, and all that you ever need is effortlessly supplied for you, because it is your Creator’s pleasure to provide all that it’s creation needs and desires. And you are in a state of awe before the grandeur of reality, the perfect balance, the rhythm of life, the perfection, the beauty and the Love the permeates you and your surroundings.

And as you begin walking down this hallway, you notice that this hallway is lined with doors. All of them look identical. Then all of the sudden, one of them swings open and there stands your best friend, with a panicked look on their face, motioning for you to come in and look! And because you love your friend, and you are concerned, you enter into the door, and find yourself in a room, where there are chairs lined up facing a movie projector, that is playing a movie called scarcity. And your friend is talking rapidly about how the economy has been hit very hard recently due to a crisis in the housing market, how prices for food and gasoline have gone up, how there is a shortage of food, and jobs are hard to find, and she can’t afford her rent . . . . and you watch your friend point to the movie playing, and you see how agitated she is, . . . and as your eyes become accustomed to the dark in the room, you see people sitting in the chairs, some with their eyes glued to the screen, some have fallen asleep in their chairs because they’ve been there so long. And then you receive a stirring within you, . . . . and a still, small voice reminds you of where you just came from, . . .that feeling . . . where was it . . . oh yes, back outside in the hallway, where all your needs are always provided for effortlessly, where you are safe and loved and cared for. And you try to take your friends arm and go back out the door, but your friend keeps staring at the movie screen, irritated that you aren’t seeing what is right before your eyes. “Look!”, she insists, “don’t you see what’s happening?” “don’t you care?” But as you try to explain what is on the other side of the door, the volume of the movie gets louder, and your friend goes back to the screen, mouth open and eyes full of fear. You realize that you cannot help her, that you must go back into the hallway alone.

As you enter into the hallway, the stillness and peace welcome you. You take a moment to allow yourself to readjust from the previous scenes of chaos and calamity to the knowing off the presence of God and His dominion over all. You exhale, and are so grateful to be back Home.

As you continue down the hallway further, another door opens and it’s a family member, crying and begging you to come into the room and see. You immediately head for the door to see what’s the matter, and just as you cross the threshold into the room, there was a still small voice that asked you whether that was a good idea, but this is family, and they are crying, and you dismiss the voice and you go into the room, and there on the movie screen are very disturbing and very real looking sick people and scenes of illness and disease, with narrators talking about symptoms and the seasons that people will most likely suffer from these unavoidable illnesses, how long they will last and what medications you can buy to help alleviate your inescapable suffering. You see the fear and horror in the eyes of your family member and you begin telling him that what they are looking at is only a movie being played out on a movie screen, that it isn’t real, . . you point out that there is, in reality, nothing going on except that he or she is mesmerized by what is playing out in front of them. There is nothing actually taking place, that all he or she needs to do is come out of the room where everyone experiences perfect health. But your family member looks at you like you’re absurd, argues on the side of the scenes of numbers showing high fevers, paled skin color, runny noses and difficult breathing. “Look at the pain these people are in! How can you deny this?! You obviously don’t care, either that or you are delusional.” And with defiance in their eyes, they turn away from you, and you see that he or she has returned to join the others, sitting in their seats, staring at the movie screen, fixated on the images of suffering sense, . . . and again, you feel the familiar tug to go out of this room, and you head back out into the hallway.

You continue on a bit further now, again a door opens wide, and your mother steps out, and she looks frail and scared. And she asks you to come into the room with her. And you don’t want to go, but it’s your mother, and your heart wants to reach out to her, and you go in and the movie of unavoidable death is playing. And your mother is wringing her hands, and you go to comfort her. And you want her to come out in the hallway with you, where Life is eternal and she listens to you for a bit. You tell her that her life is complete out in the hallway, that she is spiritual and eternal, you ask her to remember Who made her and that she is not a limited, physical body but a free and perfect spiritual Idea of the Divine Mind that created her. And you think she’s convinced, and she stands up with you, and as you head for the door, she takes another look at the movie screen, and looks back at you, and with great sadness tells you that death is inevitable and that she loves you. You stand there, looking at the screen, and tears well up inside you, but your hand is on the door to the hallway, and you shudder over this moment, as you are being called to remember the Truth of being, all the while being consumed with the sadness and grief on the screen in front of your physical eyes. Just then you hear the still small voice tell you that you are of no real help to anyone as long as you stay in the room. The only place you can help another is from the standpoint of perfection, back in the hallway. If you are in the room, you are accepting the reality of the movie being projected, and you are no longer awake to Truth and Reality. “Aha”, you exclaim as you remember once again the experience of the hallway and with this renewed strength you grab the door handle, and enter back into it.

A wave of joy, of gratitude, wash over you, you shed tears in Thanks to an All Mighty God and his infinite goodness as the former pictures are wiped away and you recall the Truth that sets us free.

As you continue your journey, new doors begin to open up, some people you recognize, some you don’t. And you acknowledge these people, and sometimes you might strain your neck to see what movie is playing in the room, but you don’t enter into the room. You begin talking to those in the room while standing in the hallway. Some of them slam the door on your face, others listen for a moment and then shake their head and close the door. But you begin to realize that the longer you stand in the hallway, the more certain you are about the truth of being, the more influence you begin to have over those who are in the rooms. They listen to you a bit longer, they notice that there is something different about you, . . a light perhaps, a certainty, a knowing . . something that they recognize in you . . . . . that makes them want to listen to you more, . . . .

And then one day, a woman opens a door, and pleads with you to come in to see the “help me my child is dying” movie. And there is not a single part of you that is in the least bit interested in going into that room. But you feel immense compassion for this woman. And you look back up at the light at the head of the hallway, and with this surge of Love and Power, you look her straight on in the face, and you declare to her that what she is standing aghast at is nothing! It is a movie on a movie screen, and nothing more. And that she has the power and authority and ability to walk out of that room any time she wants to! That her life and the life of her child are always perfect, safe and secure with God. That no power exists to end, alter or destroy Life. Life is of God, He is Life itself, Eternal Life, with no beginning and no ending. You share with her the story of your brother Jesus Christ, how he came to prove the nothingness of death, the Allness of Life, that he overcame the grave, and gave us the victory over the illusion of death. And you saw something click in this woman’s eyes, she remembered, . . . . she smiled and without looking back she entered into the hallway with you. She was transformed as she walked out to join you, beauty and holiness radiated from within her, she laughed as she threw her head back and faced the light, she was overjoyed to recall her birthright, and sang out in thanks because she was overcome with gratitude. And you felt something, as you looked down, her child had joined the both of you, and the child took your hand and his mother’s hand, and looked into your eyes, and said “thank you”.

And that’s when more Truth began dropping into place for you. Yes! My job here is to stand firmly in this hallway, where I receive all that I need to do the Father’s Will, and to beckon to those who are in these rooms, hypnotized by the pictures. And this desire sprang up, and compassion was in the driver’s seat, and you humbly asked for guidance on how to spring your beloveds out of these rooms. And you heard the following:

These rooms are like refrigerator doors. The light comes on inside them only when you open the door, and the light shuts off when you close the door. Like the refrigerator door, the movie in these rooms only start when the door opens and when the doors shut, the movie turns off. This is because the movies, which are only false beliefs being projected outwards, need a watcher, a witness, in order to be seen. A false belief requires a believer to have any influence or power. If there is no believer, there is nothing to the false belief. If there is no witness, there is no movie playing in the room.
So unless there is an observer in the movie room, the movie isn’t playing. And if there isn’t a believer, there is no false belief to mesmerize us. And then came the punch line, you hear in the most sweetest, kindest, most loving voice, “ and by the way, I never created a false believer”.

And you take a step back, . . . and you gasp, and the tears fall, and you begin laughing . . . laughing because you realize that you had still been mesmerized yourself while in the hallway, seeing doors with false believers past them, taken in and feeling responsible or concerned for others, . . . . when all along, there is no such thing as a false believer, a false belief, a scary picture, an illness, sickness or death, or a sufferer of an illness, sadness or of scarcity. You see with infinite clarity the perfection of what God is and what God created. The new understanding takes on a vastness, an expansion that goes beyond your physical senses and moves through you and out into everything that you see. You are transformed by the freedom that this Truth brings, and you can’t help but be so grateful that everything that you felt was so real before was nothing but a false concept that you left behind because you know that you have the mind of Christ, and therefore you are not a believer of false images and nobody else is either. What is true for you is true for everyone! And you claim this out loud, and you thank God for it. And then you hear voices from behind you, and as you turn around, there is your best friend, your Mother, your family members, and a host of others that you recollect from the dream, and they are smiling at you, and you are laughing and celebrating with one another, even poking fun at each other, playing like kids and enjoying the Presence of God, the Allness of good, and the absolute nothingness of its supposed opposite. You see the Truth in each other’s eyes, you recognize your Oneness in one another, and you are overcome with Love. There is nothing else. Nothing else matters, nothing else is real, nothing else is acknowledged.

And in a moment, you all stop, and look back towards the light, and the most beautiful music you’ve ever heard starts to play, and the walls to the hallway fall away, and you see colors you’ve never seen before above you, and every part of your being comes vibrantly alive and together you hear, “well done, my good and faithful servant” and you are welcomed Home.

 

Heaven

The nights are still filled with overwhelming energies through the body –

but when the day comes and I get out of bed, suddenly there is an awareness this this has nothing to do with me. It is stuff  leaving me – myriads of thoughts that I have believed belonging to “me”, now seen as “phantoms” trapped in a false reality, on a screen – and as long as I give them attention and seriousity, I give them power to “live” –

but what I am, is the vast space of being behind this screen

This morning, the Love was all encompassing – and I saw that the stuff in the body still did its thing, but i didn’t mind – it was not serious –

Heaven

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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