The Bodhisattvic vow

This post “The Bodhisattvic Vow” is from my book “When Fear Comes Home to Love.”

You may recognize yourself. If so, wonderful 🙂 AND I want to add something to the chapter today:

“If you  claim something for your”small”self – like healing-abilities, success and talents –  be certain to correct yourself  quickly and give all praise/success to Source/Self/God. Only when I remember “of myself only I do nothing” –  will I be free. Only then you will be able to allow all human pain to flow through you and then OUT of you. I talk from deep experience here: my ego has loved the praise I have received for the art and the healing that has come through me, and that I have chosen to give expression to. There is GREAT temptation for the spiritual ego to claim that for itself: “I” did that. I am so special!”

The truth is that all healing happens only when this “I” let go and simply allows expression to flow through.” The inner artist knows that – and still my ego can grab it, it happens quick as a lightening.

Lately I have watched myself as a hawk to stop it when it happens. The great reward of doing this is that then the collective pain can not stick to me – it simply flows through and out. I am no more a flypaper for others bad energies. And when I DO identify with it – “Oh it is ME they are talking about” -I attach to the pain and subconsciously think it belongs to me.

If you have comments to this, please post them (also) on the page where I present my books more fully – click on Q&A

https://leelahsaachi.wordpress.com/

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Here it is:

The Bodhisattvic Vow

In Buddhist tradition there is a loving pledge to truth: the sacred vow of commitment called The Bodhisattvic Vow.

A Bodhisattva has pledged her/his life to the healing and benefit of all sentient beings, and refuses to leave this plane of existence until we all have awakened to our true nature.

The Bodhisattva, being awake, knows that pain is not destroying What and Who we really are, and will act as a vessel of transformation for others’ pain – carrying the burden, letting it into them, willingly.

In Buddhist tradition, by exploring suffering, letting into us and through us – the opposite of denying it – we attain awareness – pure beingness. We transcend matter by going deeply into it without resistance – we are filling the wounds with light. We may allow the pain, the hatred and the grief to move through us, witnessing it and allowing it. By bringing healing to the archetype of hatred and Fuckeat,* we find the sacred essence within: the longing for love.

But:

We only transform darkness by choosing to do so, consciously – and we can only do this when we often enough have experienced that we will not be destroyed and annihilated by the darkness – and that we are the Loving Space that the pain can float in.

This Space is the opposite of that which Bird* occupies: Bird wants to save others in order to avoid responsibility for her own darkness and pain. And this is said without any judgment at all: Bird does what she does as long as she perceives her fear to be stronger than her love and light of spirit.

The Bodhisattva knows that time and space are components of the mind, where only this NOW can really exist. In this NOW everything takes place, in this NOW all pain in all time can be touched and healed by merciful awareness.

The only healing way to meet darkness and “evil” is by loving it. That does not mean condoning it. You can only love it when you look at it with the eyes of your Self. You can only do this when fear is absent.

You discover that what you haven’t blessed and forgiven, you cannot let go of.

Bird has a psychological pain, belonging to the personality and ego: a wound that has to be recognized in order to be healed. The Bodhisattva deals with THE pain – humanity’s collective pain – letting it be released through herself, and recognizing this Self to be Spirit.

The fact that my therapist and supervisor, aside from being a specialist in psychology also is a practicing Buddhist and a wise and loving man with a big heart, made it possible to explore the karmic pattern which became visible during therapy. Three years into therapy he insisted that I must have given a Bodhisattvic Vow in a former incarnation.

Small mind flatly refused the idea at first – why would I want to take on other people’s suffering? I have more than enough with my own, thank you! Then my ego blew up like a balloon: “Wow – I must be really good and special.” But since the favorite game of my ego is to degrade itself, it did not let me keep the nice feeling of being more special than others. So, I put it out of my mind: “Omar, you are really far out there.” But Omar didn’t budge. Time and time again he pointed out: “There. That is part of the vow.” And slowly it crept into my consciousness that it was VAST MIND Who had made that decision – not my ego. Something in me relaxed tremendously and recognized it.

Some days later, I sat meditating in the morning. The air was clear and bright outside the window. A vast space opened within me and around me. I asked: “Is it really true that I have consented to use myself in this way, to the benefit of all?”

In this moment, a great expansion happened within. In tremendous speed did I expand and become Light. I hear my Heart answer: “YES. At last you know.” This YES floats through me and relaxes all tension. In this moment, as I accept my choice, there are no tensions and no resistance.

The Heart continues: “As long as you see yourself as a container, a vessel for darkness, it lightens. It is sacred work!”

As I truly accept that I have given the Vow, my energy-field changes. It feels like a lot of dust has been whirled up around me and now it sinks to the ground and leaves clear bright light and space around me.

And from now on I recognize the “old” Bodhisattvas among my patients. Nur is one of them. Here is a healing story from a session:

It is close to the end of the session. She is doing a dance. Suddenly she stops – the atmosphere changes. It feels sick and toxic. She exclaims:

“I see something… it is a valley. Oh, it is awful. Very bad. I feel sick.”

“Please examine it, tell me what you see. I sense that it would be a good idea to say: Whatever in me that is no longer serving the highest good for all, I choose to release to the One.”

She speaks with authority. “I see many American Indians… they are suffering… now they all melt together into an Indian woman… she grows old – becomes wrinkled – I see only her old head now – now her head shrinks! – Now she disappears into the light!”

Nur expresses how relieved she feels, and so is the atmosphere also: purified. Radiant.

I believe that this pain, this unhealed wound from the vast storehouse of human suffering, has now been healed through Nur – through her willing consent to serve its healing and hold its psychic content in her consciousness. What is needed is our willingness to let it pass through our heart, witnessing it and blessing it, surrendering it to the One Who cannot be divided.

© Leelah Saachi 2016 All rights reserved.

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  • *Fuckeat and *Bird are two of the fear-archetypes I describe in When Fear Comes Home to Love. We unravel them to find their gifts, to see through their form to their sacred essence

 This is from When Fear Comes Home to Love, Chapter: BIRD

Lonely girl in the heart / poem to image / 1998 /

ill. 13

In the middle of the Heart

there is a fog of woe and wonder –

so little known to itself,

so dreamily absorbed in the

layers of illusion.

But look:

it’s floating in the Sun of the heart!

I am so lonely so lonely

and I do not know of my fears –

I sense them only when I am held

but very carefully, or I’ll burst into a million little pieces

someone has stolen my words

and my hopes

but my story is still here

under the layers of centuries.

I have a right to tell the story,

but who are the listeners?

A great light and soft love surrounds me when I finished writing the above, and a Voice speaks:

Child, listen – I am your mother, Aurora – Queen of the Heart

And I know that She has listened to it all

*

Blue is playing:

“Child” is doubting that Aurora is real: “Please give me a sign, Blue – let me see this name within three days!”

Next day I read in the column for TV/radio: “Arcadian radio and The Arcadian Explorer’s editorial Staff continue their trip down Mississippi on the riverboat Queen Aurora.”

Bird takes off

The very essence of Bird * is to save others – to take the attention away from the awareness that it is really she who needs the healing.

This night I saw so sweetly and clearly through her strategy – beneath it was simply what she told herself while trauma happened:

I will go mad if I allow myself to be aware of what is happening and what is being done to me and what I am doing.

The shift – or rather, the self-inflicted spell:

All the pain belonging to me now belongs to you. You are in mortal danger.

I am your savior.

The sweetness of realizing that the strategy is just a cover up is immense.

Now – 2015 – is my trust in the process and my True Self so strong that I welcome whatever memories and feelings that I denied.

Oh the beauty of allowing others to be as they are – with whatever they seem to be going through – realizing their soul’s choice to experience exactly this – in order to be able to transcend it and transform it.

Jesus’ teaching from “The Jewel of the Christ Mind:”

Your only task is to allow the incomprehensible light to move through you to transform you and to BE you. All Enlightenment is remembrance

A rush of spiritual energy flows through me.

An area is over

I sense and become aware of a sound of vast wings flapping

And there she lifts

_

 

* Bird is one of the 10 archetypes in “When Fear Comes Home to Love”

 

 

“My job is to make you happy”

The healing that I can share with you, reader, is the importance of finding our old “hidden” recipes for safe behavior”  we learned as children – and allow their inherent beliefs to be corrected. If we don’t, there will be tremendous consequences – illnesses, insanity and violence. If I through my life, however, share the beliefs at the very ground of such dysfunctional patterning, Grace shines through and is available for all.

And it is with that intention I share a bit of my childhood-story.

The beliefs -belonging to the archetype BIRD in “When fear Comes Home to Love” -are:

I must be good and not make waves – or problems – for “them.”

It is my job and my duty to make them feel good – on the expense of my own state of mind. Even after a group rape when I was 4, my job is the same: when they expressed distress at what  I told them and were angry at me, I instantly buried it. When 2 years later another gang of boys did it again – in an even more cruel way, and over time – I knew that I just HAD TO make it nonexistent for myself, and every need and feeling was crushed and pushed away.

I start to realize the tremendous pressure I have exerted on my mind and body to push the needs for a space to exist away.

And I realize that this storm of tensions have been what the nights and the mornings have shown for almost 70 years. How faithful the mind shows me what I have buried, so I at last can allow it to be corrected and replaced by the Miracle.

Look at the big beautiful bird at the book cover. This is Bird – she meshes in with the Tree

She has taken on this “job” – because of it, when worked through, there is less darkness and denial than before. That is the work of the Bodhisattva – and we all have chosen that position in our number of incarnations. In the Bird-chapter you will read case-stories and creative processes where Bird wakes up.

The intense pressure and pain I have felt all these years – so extremely toxic!- has to do with the conviction that I am guilty if I step out of this role of “savior” and drop the belief that others pain is because of ME – because I failed my duty of making them happy.

I am lying here with Christ: “breathe in and breathe out deeply, breathe into that toxic pain and say “Yes! Come Home! I am here!”

I need just to breathe – Holy Spirit does all the clearing. He is the Divine Laundromat.

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I am determined to see things differently.

This is today’s lesson in the Course, nr 55:
7 I am determined to see the witnesses to the truth in me, rather than those which show me an illusion of myself.

 It is helpful for me to see the witnesses for the illusions that I still hold on to – and yesterday a beloved friend messaged me on Facebook. His descriptions of the chaos in his mind, – and his loss of a beloved dog- set off the old “ false savior”-pattern in me: “BIRD*” – this old pattern of believing that my only value lies in helping others (at the expense of myself.)

The “Bird”-part of me immediately started to enter Chris’ story and make it real – I wrote that I sympathized with his loss and poof, all the texting disappeared. I tried again, and as long as I was “personal” it just didn’t work 🙂

I logged out of Facebook and into my heart, listening to Blue.

“That dog’s death is the sign that he now has stated his willingness to receive this love from within. That loving Spirit is always with him – just as you are willing to accept and receive the Love that you are, and that you see so abundantly from outside these days

I am becoming aware that a deep shift is happening in me. I sense it in my body.

I went to bed and read “Sara Crewe,” (Later published as “The Little Princess”) by Frances Hodgson Burnett – –one of my favorite children books. She lost everything and had it all restored on all levels – her miserable moldy ice cold attic was transformed into a cozy parlor by … -no, I will not ruin the reading experience for you: click the link if you want to read the short story

The transformation of her misery starts when she decides to pretend how her life could be – in vivid detail. She pretends she finds a sixpence in the street ( this is a book from 1888) and that she will buy six hot buns for them and eat them all herself. She finds a four pence – and she buys 4 buns, and the baker’s wife gives her 6 – and at the door, Sara finds a little beggar girl who is even hungrier than her, and ends up giving her 5 of the buns –and now, when she returns to her room, her miserable moldy ice cold attic has been transformed into a cozy parlor..

As I was reading, I became her. I was crying deeply and was overwhelmed with gratitude for all my gifts: pension from the state, enough money to eat well and even go to the movie and theater and buy books and warm clothes and an occasional meal out…and the faucet leaks and a plumber will take care of it and I do have to money to pay him…

In front of me on the bed is a super soft red woolen shawl given me by somebody who truly loves me. I start to stroke it and an enormous sense of wellbeing overtakes me. How lucky am I – how RICH am I, to have this experience whenever I want! A huge space of happiness opens -in this space I just savor and enjoy the safety and love of my senses: just laying down in my warm bed and soft pillow is an ecstatic experience.IT IS AVAILABLE ALWAYS.

I am well aware of this great shift – that this comes from my decision “to see the witnesses to the truth in me, rather than those which show me an illusion of myself. “

Then I have a dream that I have a shiny new car – and that I need to find a parking space for it – and the old identity parks it in a dangerous neighborhood where it of course disappears LOL

I see that instead of leaving the old identity, I have put the new way of driving this gorgeous vehicle into the old painful landscapes – and of course it should be the other way around: I will have to choose to completely leave the old landscapes and move into the Self fully where all cars belong to everyone

I wake up and hear: You don’t need to create, project or experience all that mental disturbance anymore.”

The  words go like a purifying shower through me: just like me, Chris is not aware that on some level he chooses to hold on to that chaos as real and as something he is a victim of. And the solution to this lies in a new decision: I am determined to see the witnesses to the truth in me, rather than those which show me an illusion of myself.

And in this moment I see his Self – smiling, radiant, powerful beyond measure – and we bow to each other in gratitude of our service to each other in this life – serving as mirrors, and also as loving healers.

I am determined to see the witnesses to the truth in me, rather than those which show me an illusion of myself.

I am going to start “Jewels of The Christ Mind” that starts the first of March – Jayem’s/Jeshua’s Course. Maybe Chris would like to do it to. I love that doing these processes, we need to share our experiences with our friends who have entered the same process – we truly need to do this together. Not a “me” helping a “you” any longer.

 *you can read about the BIRD-pattern in us all in “When Fear Comes Home to Love.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Enchanted Room

Saturday was all magical.

I visited a dance-performance for toddlers. We entered a white silk Yurt. Seven parents with eight babies about one year old – a happy 3 year old boy – and me. We sat on the floor at the walls of the Yurt, and in our center was a white feathered bird/angel-like girl who with great presence delicately  danced and moved and wordlessly related to the children- and lots of red balloons. She moved with complete presence – delicate slow movements. The babies connected with her and each other.

The dancer played with tiny glass rods in mobiles, their delicate clanking sounds made the babies first look wide eyed and then smiling. At one point, the dancer stepped into what looked like a bird nest of Origami triangles made by many colored silk. She pulled it up – now it looked like a moving pyramid-dress – and then she started to whirl like a dervish.

A strong wind arose in our room, and suddenly all the red balloons lifted and danced

I can’t really share the beauty, poetry and magic about it – but we all felt it and connected on a deep level, and time and space disappeared in pure bliss

At no time – it lasted about 30 minutes – did any baby make a sound – there was one who repeatedly crawled out, was fetched by his mother and at the end was in rapture as the rest

The dancer also played with a big bird-puppet – man-size – became the bird, and played with the babies. At the end, she fell asleep, sitting, and we all tiptoed out not to wake her up

At the door, I asked a smiling lady who had made this wonder of a performance and who had made those amazing props and costumes. “It is me” she beamed – “Oh, are you a theater-person?” I said I was, and started to share about my bliss and gratefulness that some people made creations like this – serving presence, beauty and poetry. I found myself taking her hand and kissing it, she looked at me with tears and gave me a warm hug.

Then a tall beautiful man was standing there – it was her husband, and the composer. We shared about our love for simplicity and presence and poetry, In that moment, my late theater-husband’s spirit was present, I felt his gratitude at the performance and the work – and the husband took a step toward me and embraced me

*

This text  below –in blue – has disappeared two times while writing it. Now I write it for the third time. Thank you God for my determination.

In bed same night, I go into the pelvis again as a teacher has recommended, to find the blocks in the two lower chakras and just BE with them. I find my little Leelah there, and also a huge black snake. She points to it and her eyes are crossed in fear.

I look at it. In a big rush of release and gratitude, I tell her: “Sweetie – it is just a big black balloon!” She instantly becomes present. “Who blew that up?” I asked – she answered dreamingly, “I did – “

“Yes you did honey – and so, the only thing that powers that snake is your own breath and your belief that it has power over you”

She is completely motionless. Gradually her eyes come alive. She looks at me – “I made this up to scare myself and keep myself from doing the bad things all the men told me that I did.”

An awesome smiling Presence is around us. I ask her if she would like to let the air out of that balloon – to allow the fear-image to just … deflate?

She finds something sharp and sticks it into the very tip of the snake. She is not strong enough. I find a sledge and hammer the sharp thing into the rubber – and whhoossh, the punctured snake is catapulted in the air, doing the spastic dance we all know that balloons make when we pull their plug.

It sinks to the ground – a pitiful black rubber skin.

And now we discover the plug – it was there, all the time.

She looks at me right in the eyes now. ” I decided this , Mum. I don’t want to be scared any longer.”

I feel the deep release in my body. Fear has been punctured, seen to be self made.

I see Jesus taking her on his lap, putting his arms around her, and I go to sleep. For the first time in 25 years I have a good night’s sleep: I meet my father in our shared Christed Self, all stories have fallen away – punctured. I notice that next to our house there is a large enclosed area: a beautiful church is there. Its energy reminds me of Corfe Castle in Dorset

*

Before I fall into deep restful sleep, it dawns on me that that white Yurt is such a great image and symbol of a healed root-chakra: the parents and the babies, held and nurtured, bathing in the safety of the white yurt, with playful red balloons and a birdlike messenger from Heaven

 

Sunday  October 12

The Drowning

Sunday, in the morning, I dosed off, and when I awoke, the old agony was there. As usual. I heard “get up” and I would not listen: I was utterly convinced that only sleep could make it better. I was wrong

Sitting with the little Child in the morning, again going into my pelvis and the two lower chakras, I saw an image of a child bursting up from deep down in the sea, gasping for air – oh my God, the agonized feeling in the morning is just Child’s constant companion – “I am drowning – I am going under – and nobody cares.”

I talk to her – reminding her that I am with her in this. After a while, a feeling of death arises – a place where nothing moves or lives, desolated, isolated . At first, I sense irritation – and then, seeped in Grace, it is clear that this is the outskirts of Loneliness – the deepest feeling in the specter of separation.

I feel a surge of release and gratefulness: we have found the outskirts of it, now is the time to dive in.

And we dive.

It is intensely visceral. First the nothingness – the stifled never -voiced cries for help – the hopelessness – the toxic ice needles throughout the body – the fear of being suffocated by violent men’s too big penises – the girl realizes that she does not die, since she is aware of it all – she is what can not die – at this point everything flows easy, and no more dissociation.She hears:

What do you want?

I don’t want this!

SAY IT AGAIN

And there is her voice and her will -!

I – adult Leelah – sense it with all my body: this is my will and I mean it.

Now comes the hatred and rage, like a volcano from her: “I want to shove this penis down God’s throat so he experiences what he wanted me to experience.” Her language is crystal clear, her hatred and violence as well – as well as the details. The venom pours out, all the thoughts and images are just experienced and allowed = forgiven – and suddenly we sense that there is  radiant clear light around us

Like awakening from a nightmare.

I knew about this hatred and fear of God intellectually – the Course really drives that in  – but this was experience. Now I test-drove my new racing car!

She tells me that she needs to rest now, and Jesus sits down with her and they are playing a game with glass pearls.

Thank you Holy Spirit for the clear demonstration that the hatred and violence comes from one false thought in the mind: that God is a cruel God who sees us as sinful and guilty and subjects his children to unnameable cruelness and punishment.

The victim and perpetrator are forever two sides of the same coin: the belief in separation – and separation is happening each moment I believe that I am anything else than the Light and Love He has created me to be.

This Light of Awareness is Who I Am

 

The fear of receiving

In my last post  I wrote about my old neighbor yelling “Murderer” at me when I told her it is better to accept help where she lives than being sent to an institution.

I have prayed for insight in how this mirrors a place in me that thinks it is murdered when it received help = Light, Love.

First answer was the insight that my left eye -“the feminine part” – simply will not receive sunlight: all forms dissolve in a mesh. As soon as I block the light with my hand, I see just fine.

So I went into the right brain which governs the left side of the body, searching for the non-accepting part, and found it right away. It told me it is hopeless to heal this, and I listen and offer a hug.

Then I remember another sign I have received since I asked: our main newspaper offer a special discount-card to its subscribers for cultural events. I have tried via both Internet and phone to the paper to get this card. The helpful person told me that they had no idea why my cellphone-link to the paper did not work. Aha- cell phone – the automatic answer via Internet said the same: it was not accepted. And lately my cellphone just turns itself off – which is not possible – and it has to be reloaded about 5 times as often, just lying there.

So this is all about some cells in my right brain that somehow have received the command to not receive nourishment, love, light, God – but it’s perfectly fine to give all this to others.It also gives me a clear message: you need to just SIT my friend, and upload your batteries. Sit AS Christ, as your new practice. You need do nothing but SIT.

The fear of this belongs to the innermost essence of the false savior-archetype, Bird *- who takes its identity from being the helper in all ways possible and impossible – and so it must follow that it is terrified of receiving.

I hear that, and have lately, following lesson 9 in John Mark Stroud’s deepening of the Way of Mastery – Jeshua’s channellings to Jayem. His -Jeshua’s – latest suggestion to us is to sit 5 minutes each day AS the Christ. Not with, as. It has astonishingly strong effect on me and my body and my cells – and I think the late “outer” experiences are phenomenal metaphors for this old archetypal resistance to Love and receiving that our old brain is holding.

So I decided that today I am going to town, to the Newspaper, to get my card physically J When I write this, I hear a relieved “Oh thank God” from my brain, and the lower back starts hurting instead LOL

The pain can move how much it wants – it still can’t stop the eternal flow of Love that is my essence – but I CAN hold it, tenderly, listening to its story and forgiving myself for believing that this ever was valuable to believe was valuable 🙂

* Please see “When fear comes home to Love”-book. You can read more about this book here

 

Signs from Mystery

Late signs:

1.sign.

In the living room, 2 days ago: I am looking at a painting I made some 10 years ago or so – and i see, in the very center of the Sun/Self a radiant rainbow-spot of brilliant pulsating light. Its source is a prism hanging in my window. The very second I notice the light in the center of the Sun, my cellphone sounds:it is a message from a healer: he is available for sessions this week.

I order a session 🙂

The effect has gone when I take this photo – but I am sure you can imagine the magical effect of that shimmering Light in the center of the Sun:

 

The Sun

I have lately started a new workout-regime called TIMANI. We learn ways to stretch the Fascia- muscles inside the thighs – and boy has that had consequences for my nervous system to flare up in overwhelm.

A friend recently shared this on Facebook:

“… the things that I used to believe. But as they come, I gently take them by the hand and lead them to the Truth, where they gradually fade and disappear, leaving me in the peace that I have always been. I bring them to the Kingdom, where God gently wipes them away, as the dream that they always were and I am blessed beyond measure. Thankyou my Beloved, and the Truth will set us free. “

After digesting the truth in this, after two days in agony, suddenly a great clarity comes through me: This is just the old stories of the inner child, coming up to be released. In that moment, ca 80% of the agony dissipates.

This is from Jeshua from Way of Mastery – Radical Inquiry™:

“We cannot awaken unless we are willing to ‘turn back’ through Radical Inquiry™ and discover what has been rendered unconscious and cut off from awareness; there to greet it as our own creation, to welcome it home, as it were, into the embrace of our present love.”

I practice this diligently

 Dream early yesterday morning:

It is Christmas Eve.There is a very angry and upset man banging on my door in my childhood’s home. He looks crazy and rather volatile. I lean out of the window, and smile with all my heart at him, asking him what he wants. He explains that he has a package to deliver, and I ask him in for a cup of warm cocoa. He comes inside, and I recognize that my smile is genuine: I truly care for him. This changes his demeanor completely.

When I wake up, I am reminded of the story about Milarepa and the demons that came visiting – and him inviting them in for tea. They melted too 🙂

2.Sign:

I enter my Healing room. Close to my seat a wasp has chosen its place to die. I have screens in front of all openings in my house – I am afraid of the effects of wasp-stinging.

Death of a poisenous attacker

The first wasp that I remember stinging me, played an important role in my exploration of an archetype I describe in “When fear comes home to Love:” “Bird.” Here is the start of that chapter:

It is midsummer. I am about five. I sit in the tall grass in front of our house. The air is heavy from sweet flower-fragrances and the dense humming from happy busy insects. A wasp stings my finger. It immediately swells, it hurts terribly, I scream and scream.

Mummy comes. My Mummy. She takes me in her arms and hugs me hard, she cries when she sees the bursting finger: “Pooooooor little Leelah!” … I sit and listen breathlessly to a story about chameleons. You can see it on the illustration in the book: there it sits on a branch, quiet as a mouse – it blends perfectly into the foliage… there comes the fat fly walking, and zing! The long tongue shoots out and glues itself to its victim. Yack! – There the chameleon jumps to another branch, the colors change. Look at his belly changing colors after the branch – and the back takes the pattern after the flowers above! Each millimeter of this animal can adapt to its surroundings.

My Mummy convinces me that this animal is not make-believe: it is for real. I am spellbound by the chameleon.

The figure carrying the chameleonic in the J&H-myth is the Bird:

“I must adapt to the family’s / the surrounding’s expectations and demands. My only reason for existence is making them satisfied and happy. Suffering is safe. I just have to eradicate myself and blend into the surroundings. I leave myself and take the others inside. I digest their pain. I hold on to it. No one must see it .I keep the family-secret. Myself? I need nothing.”

Now this wasp – this archetype of giving poison and pain – has made its way into my Healing room and given up life in front of my Place – no more an instrument of pain, now the sign of a surrender of an old role in my soul’ make-up.

I love that little wasp: I want to honor it and get the idea to draw an angel card: OBEDIENCE is the first. I place the wasp on it:it gave up his life as wasp in fron of this symbolic place of my Self. Oh how I love those surrendered outstretched wings.

I am then asked to draw two more cards – and I draw HUMOUR and BEAUTY.

DSC01242

3.Sign yesterday afternoon:

I am looking through old journals and taking photos. I am looking at a old drawing in my journal:

The kiss

The kiss

 

In the same second I take the photo, an electronic doorbell sounds from upstairs – but this is not the sound I have chosen: it is much harsher.

I run up the stairs, the bell is still chiming in my room and there is nobody outside my door.

My mind had a strong energetic signal connected to that image when I drew it-  this time I was open for it. I do not know where it comes from – thank God I do not have to figure it out – but I can and will do what Jeshua suggests above: greet it as our own creation, to welcome it home, as it were, into the embrace of our present love.”

AMEN

 

 

 

 

 

 

A small gray messenger

This Sunday morning I had the most amazing satori in bed. ALL IS CLEAR, and I saw the beauty and perfection of absolutely everything in all of my lives – or more clear: in the human life – including massacres, abuse, the whole enchilada. Then I fell into sleep and had a REALLY bloody dream about jealousy – and when I woke up, the image of the Tarot card the Devil came up. Ooops! Well – Holy Spirit, thank you for letting me know that I still need to forgive this creation of mind – or maybe, stop reacting to it as if it is real. My nervous system now really did.

As I some minutes later sat beside the window and the image of “the Devil” came into my mind, the energy of this belief and image sprang forth inside, and also instantly the human fear and agony and resistance of this concept – the very essence of denial of Love inside us all. I immediately felt a judgment – “I shouldn’t feel this after the satori, I can’t trust the satori” and THERE is a little gray sparrow flying down from the roof and flying in one space right in front of my nose, as if it is trying to find an opening to get in to me.

It did 🙂

Thank you Holy Spirit

Thrice, as I remember it, I have experienced in this life the absolute denial of Love as energy inside me and seemingly around me – and each time, Love has taken care of it by saying YES to it. That YES certainly did NOT come from Leelah! There was a “Yes – also this can be included in Me” and the transformation from black horror to Heaven was instantaneous. Oh my God, THE LIGHT! – On the last occasion,in my mailbox next day, there was a child’s drawing of a big sun

 

This is described in my book “When fear comes home to Love”*

 

Now I can sit down with the energy and say: ( this is from “Way of the Heart” by Jeshua/Jayem)

I am the source of this

I judge it not

I extend forgiveness to myself for this creation

I love you – I embrace you – I set you free to be your Self

I bless you with the blessing of Christ

I allow Holy Spirit to replace my perception with Truth

And I realize – that transformation has already happened 3 times – I just PICKED THE IMAGE UP AGAIN

 

 

 

Help or arrogance

I see it almost every minute – this belief ” I am a worthless shit if I don’t help others” – meaning that there is a hidden comparison there – and I am obvious higher than them. More spiritual :::giggles:::And the belief runs in my blood – its’ on automatic

I write about this false helper-archetype in “When fear comes home to Love” – see book in right menu. I call it Bird – after the big bird that appeared in my painting you can see on the cover. Feeling like a turd, it has claimed its identity as a savior of the world – but it saves from an ego-identity – not as its Christ mind.

I -as  Leelah – can only help in a loving way if she steps back and allow Spirit to help through her. That means that true help will only be valuable to the helpee if I help from an inner prompt from the Heart – everything else is arrogance, based on the premise that it is valuable to compare myself with the other.

Each time I see beggars now, it is a lovely possibility to step back and wait for the prompt – give or not give money. And if I am not prompted to give money, I can give a smile.

I have noticed that the beggars who smile at me first – truly from the heart – always get money:)

Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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