Trapped in a Box of Stone

I am taking a 7 week course called Feminine Power. We have all made a commitment sharing on the Facebook-group-site from our power: “I commit to make every effort to show up in the group in ways that are aligned with this story of myself as a powerful creator, while at the same time making room for my own vulnerability and imperfections.”

My first longer post was moderated – and they let me know that it had to be MUCH more written from power.

It took me 14 days to find their post to me at Messenger – and their answers have been later than they promised – so this all has contributed to bringing me into an age old state of mind. I chose to look at it as The Universe’s way of arranging all for the best for me. Which I truly believe is true – looking at it with Christ’s vision.

I found that part inside that was in agony at being “ignored”,  outcast, black sheep, left out, feeling hopeless, powerless and angry at God and then herself, for surely she was  at fault for something.

When I found her in the body – this deeply separated identity – I saw her inside a stone-room- like the one Hildegard von Bingen sat in for years, by her own choice – to find God completely. What an exquisite metaphor for the ego thought system:  first we play with the thought “ what if we were on our own and created outside God/Love –” and then, in the shock of being in the utter darkness of lovelessness, guilt, shame and fear is born. Now there seems to be a small I who has to go through eons of years of struggle and suffering to reach the original Knowing  of Who we are. –while the truth is always only a choice away: I choose LOVE now.

I ask her two questions only: “What do you feel” and “what do you need” – and say back  “ I see/hear that you…” I want this old part not to have”comfort” – I want her to KNOW that I hear her without the slightest twinge of judgment – since this is what has worked best for ME in  life and therapy.

At first, I felt with breath and allowance the tremendous agony of living in that stone box for ever as a prisoner, left there to die  (not as Hildegard.)  When this inner part of me at least felt free to express the indescribable anger, venom and hatred at God – “for not thinking she suffered “enough” to be saved – it was a formidable breakthrough, the body was filled with light and tender warmth. Then the next step – to realize that it was really herself she hated and judged – for having failed God’s commands.

Now – I have been raised a Christian – so anybody who has been exposed to those dogmas of a wrathful and vengeful God have these beliefs deeply rooted in our mind: God sets standards and we must be punished for our own good. I recognize how much that belief has craved evidence for itself in my life –  that’s what beliefs do! If I feel unworthy, it is because somebody has projected on me  their own feeling of unworthiness and inadequacy – “ I am WRONG all through.” And so we go through life living it FROM this belief, and  therefore have it mirrored back at us everywhere –  as a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Any belief we hold does that – crave evidence for its reality. And we believe it is OUR reality – not just a false thought, believed in.

So my interest has been to find the common archetypes we all are driven by, and finding the “me” at the bottom of them needing to speak her truth and be heard and loved WITH those feelings.

At one point this night, I /she truly SAW how important it was for her to be RIGHT about her perception as being a victim and unjustly treated by God – since the opposite would have meant that the story she had told about herself and given tremendous meaning to, was really based on that God had dumped her and judged her and punished her atrociously in this life

All my suffering has come from IDENTIFYING with her / her story – calling it me and mine.

We are all formidable creators of our life – exactly the way it has turned out: something in our soul has chosen to explore exactly THIS horror you are going through – since you cannot love what you have not first embraced. And we cannot embrace as long as we judge. My childhood with group rape at age four – endless years with abuse and nobody willing to see and comfort – has led me step for step to embracing all of it.  I have truly seen that inside each horrible act from a predator, there is a terrified child believing in unworthiness and guilt – endless ancestral patterns brought forward to us and through us. Through this we are being trained well to find the places where we have – at least – WANTED to murder and torture another. Are you with me?  🙂  Forgiving ourselves for -at least –having rented space for those thoughts in our mind – forgiving ourselves for allowing them in –  allows for The Holy Spirit’s loving energy and thoughts to replace our old “tenants.

I dreamed that Stone Chamber up. – Now I can choose again – being truly forgiving of how much “me-power” there has been in this creation, and therefore how tenaciously parts of me hang on to it.

Finding them all, allowing them to come through in storytelling and playfulness is what I have been created  to help others to do – finding their own  creativity, playfulness and vast resources of healing.

What I love most is that its not possible to make anything “wrong.” When I meet wrong with play, healing and huge laughter happens











Black Sheep

I need to share this-about trusting the process – only looking back at the last week can I see the exquisite order of all that has happened inside and outside –
I have been aware that I am going through a process of receiving a part of me that has been split off for maybe centuries – for sure in this life – I have been aware of her for at least 30 years, I am 73 now, this is how much work and willingness it has taken me to truly BE with that energy of being banished – driven away – this is the energy of the one who carries the guilt for all – that be in the family or in cases of people being cast out of the country, dying in the desert.
Thank God I had that role when I was a child in this life – that has made it possible to TRULY feel it now and let it go
Weeping writing this – but relieved
The two last weeks have night and days been filled with processing this child/archetype, always new parts of her, new nuances – always more love and compassion – than seemingly back to the same aches and pains everywhere, and complains “when will it stop” and “what am I doing wrong”
Last week the very archetype of the black sheep has been blooming and sharing and been heard and loved and processed in me. I was led to the exercises I posted by Prune Harris- joining breast /heart and womb – then  a teacher’s webcast last Sunday . And yesterday there was 2 new episodes of “Call the midwife” on TV- I missed them and agonized quite a bit – until I saw, last night, that I could replay them on the PC. So this morning I did – and this was an episode with strong metaphors for exactly where I am in the unraveling process of my life-story, and the archetypes constituting it!
This week “Midwife” presented a story about a sailor who seemed to have smallpox – but it turned out to be Leprosy! Again a symbol of the one being shunned and cast out. In this episode, English 60-ies, they were told that Leprosy is not contagious and that one can heal with the right treatment. And the leprous one met with a nun who told him ” we are never adrift when he have faith. It is our anchor.” And she gave him her bible, and he gave her the wooden cross he had clung to –
The other metaphor for me, that was the crucial one for me, was a woman who was terrified to give birth – she had a terrible memory of her last one, where the fetus was dragged out of her with metal pliers. She had locked herself in the bathroom to kill herself, when one of the midwife-nuns talked her SO lovingly out of the room and out of that locked and terrified state of mind – and just HELD the loving gaze.
It was here when at last what may seem as the final phase for me was healed – those minutes when the last fear leaves and the trust takes over for the one in panic of birthing, and the one who just HOLDS the loving glance and contact
There was a huge wave inside me of release and crying – the part that KNOWS at last : THIS IS IT – I am being SEEN and RECEIVED just as I am, just as I feel, just with my baggage – and there is ONLY LOVE
And then I hear Spirit:
And NOW can you truly appreciate the guidance and experiences last week_:) You needed to see this episode AFTER last nights processing – yes?
Absolutely so

I am in charge. Fear is not

I have a mind pattern that loves to threaten with disaster. This is part of an archetypal defense-complex: first there is intense fear, and then defense tries to control the mind with whipping it into correct behavior to be safe. “Do this, or else! Understand this, or else!” The “or else” is a lot about being THE black sheep – responsible for everybody’s safety. I have named this pattern “Mudmonster.”

This is the role of anybody who has been abused in a family where the abuse itself has been deleted from everybody’s consciousness: what I call “The Jekyll and Hyde-syndrome.” The abusee is given the role as the black sheep, carrying the family’s pain and guilt: the abuse is a need for self-inflicted punishment which is subconsciously acted out on the “victim.”

And all this is all split off and dissociated – just as the first horrible experience of believing the separation was real and really happened. There is a clear metaphysical connection here: as I realize it, something in the mind delicately melts into softness.

This defense-pattern – painting the devil on the wall – has stalked me all my life, and I have believed in its threats. It is extremely physical, and has strong magnetism in its vortex.

What brought it up to the surface this time was a job I have given a carpenter -of rehabilitating a plastic roof. I have had certain demands that has to be followed, and it seems that the carpenter had overlooked the most important: he bought plastic-plates with the wrong color: now mine was different from my neighbors.

The thought of telling the carpenter this brought out Mudmonster in all his crazy gloory. (New word.) As he rattled off all the nuances and details of what would go wrong if I did not do the  perfect ONE right thing, I felt weaker and more paralyzed. I fed the monster by making it real. And while I knew he was in operation, so much of me believed he was helpful.

I had already given the relationship between the carpenter and me to H.S. I had visualized how I wanted our next meeting to be. That I still could feel so horrible must be my fault. Again and again – I am guilty.

But the carpenter did not come, as I thought he should have, this morning. I decided to make some phones and check where the correct plates were to be bought. it took about 5 calls to be connected to the right person who had provided the plates to the rest of my row of condos. He told me angrily that it would take him an hour to find out. I did not react with Mud-reactions, just silently waited. He told me in a different and calm voice that I could call him up after work. Strange and wonderful what happened.

Now it took me 5 more calls to get the cellphone-number to the carpenter. The first was hilarious. The carpenter has a very unusual name – like Hippopotamus Smith – and the guy I found on google had this name and was a carpenter, so of course I thought it was him – he even lived close by.

It was another “Hippopotamus Smith, carpenter.”

Now we giggled quite a lot during this talk, which even started to develop into a nice flirt – and it relaxed me completely. Two more phones – where the silliest things went wrong – and I had the right phone-nr.

After all these silly calls I felt almost no nervousness at all now – and as I told  Hippo about the wrong plates, I felt the good words coming, and he answered and responded in the exact wonderful way I had visualized.

Absolutely NOTHING of what Mudmonster had painted up for me had happened.

As I sit and write this, my brother Skypes me. He tells me that his cell-phone just had a message that I had tried to call. Which I had not. But again I am reminded of the strange laws of electromagnetic signals: somehow my brother’s cell receiver  – in Africa, where he lives – picked up my signal/my energy. So I shared how I had just had a wonderful experience with an old fear-monster and had  melted some big blocks. It felt great to share it and have it received.

Preparing a late breakfast,the Mud energy is trying to install itself again – I find myself literally searching for possible situations that could go wrong with me and Hipp. I have mercy for myself: this is heavy energy-stuff. I open one of my many acim-note-books and ask to find a note that I can use right now, when the pattern wants to strengthen itself. Nr- 13: “I allow this to be dissolved for me.”

Yes thank you. Allowing dissolves the last remnants of doing.


Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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