Outside and Inside

David Youngblood told me this some years ago – and I wrote it down in one of my many notebooks. Today I felt insane and opened one notebook randomly. And what I need is RIGHT HERE:

“I am only upset at others/someone when they mirror back to my mind a belief which I have denied from awareness. When I blame something/someone (or fear them) it is to avoid seeing the upset and the resolution as they really are (a decision in my mind to stay separate) and to instead maintain an image of myself/other / the world / as I WISH.

What a relief: OF COURSE I have wanted to see insanity projected outside of me!

“This mind-trick seems to replace guilt and fear, but actually maintains feelings of upset. To blame or fear an image of self/other/the World, requires that I believe I am limited to a body and a world of bodies, and it denies the Spiritual abstract reality of my being.

As a first step in letting go of all upset, I want to see in my mind what I thought was outside it”

I instantly see the field of insanity that surrounded me,my family and the men who abused “me” – I recognize it – I have for years of my life thought it was ME and have tried as hard as possible to push it away.

Now I have A Course in Miracles and Way of Mastery and am grateful beyond means that I now can choose again.

What do I REALLY want to see in I. and I.? ( The two persons who I have seen insanity in, threatening my peace.)

I want to see deep peace, gratefulness for all they have experienced, since it has brought us all HERE – I want to see tenderness, gentleness, patience, gratitude, deep inner peace and contentment, inner wisdom, clarity, respect for Self and others – and LOVE.

And how fun it is that both the names of these two whose people who carry the energies that scare me, start with I – so there are only I and I and I LOL –

there never was anybody outside this Big I/Self that we all share

 

 

 

 

 

Self concept

Just a moment ago I saw a face in the paper that made my skin crawl. I realized that this is NOT the reaction and energy I feel good with – and prayed with all my heart to see him with Love.

Instantly I knew that I had seen him through the filters of my self-concept the made-up image of myself. BUT I WAS NOT THIS CONCEPT.I CANNOT BE A CONCEPT. Instantly a rush of energy poured out of me:  the forbidden, “bad” and “ugly” and “not-nice-girl” energies and feelings erupted.Lava-rivers of anger and disgust and hatred. My left eye felt like exploding, and I did not take any of the sensations seriously – they belonged to a made-up-role and concept that I unconsciously had consented to “be”, but that had nothing to do with my true identity as Gods Holy Son.

It was a true pleasure to allow all this venom and judgments and fears – and all the energies they had held in place, as long as I insisted they were “me” and therefore were seen as valuable and had to be protected.

I looked at that guy again in the paper, and now there were only a faint displeasure -I welcomed it fully, breathed with full awareness the whole time, and it dissipated.

How important words are for me-I have to find the exact word to be helped. See through the “me” did not change much for me – seeing the “me” as a self concept made all the difference.

How meticulously the child builds this treasured self concept: from parents’ expectations and things they tell us that we are, and how we should behave – and what is important as they see it – the praise and violence we receive to adjust to those expectations create always new filters in this marvelous ego formation we build up – this conglomerate of filters we look at our world through to make it inhabitable for us – and to make it make sense, due to our filters.

As I now rest happily in this huge release in my energy system, I give myself a warm hug and tell myself “I love and accept myself just as I am, this moment.”

And who might this “me” be, that I embrace?

The parts of me that choose to believe in certain thoughts and learned to maneuver through life through this maze of perceived rules – and that because of that, have valuable experiences of what makes us happy, and what does not – and also have found That which embraces it eternally.

My life has given me exquisite knowledge of the collective forces and archetypes that are humanity’s strongest influences – which I describe in my book, “When Fear Comes Home to Love”.

And from this limited concept of a “me”, i make up the concept of a punishing wrathful god- and as long as i don’t question the filters i see God with, the world will go its crazy ways,and the darkness in our soul will be seen acted out by “others.”

And as I see that God is Love – seen through the Heart we all share –

– and that I are created in ITS essence – not through the filters of conditioning –

– I can marvel at the process of softly and often not so softly unravel the process back to zero –

– and smiling at it all

*

I wrote this little poem yesterday:

Surprise

My soul burst out in butterflies today
and then delivered me from all those lies
I was cocooned in, holding me grotesquely sway
in bitterness and blame, and opening blue skies
instead, oh, breathing out the sweetest prayer –

dear Love, I see that beauty never dies

I flew and watched and found my wings so versatile
I had become the very substance of God’s smile

The Nice Girl

Dream: I have a client who is boundless manipulative. I sense this only energetically: there is nothing “wrong” with what she says, but all she does not say -everything going on under the surface of subliminal signs and signals.

I am possessed by an enormous rage I only experience in dreams. I hiss like a wild cat and grab her and scream “get out of my house!” Her body is strangely pliable, like rubber – I recognize this as a sign of the demonic, who’s very essence is MADE of our repressing and judging our feelings, needs and expressions.*

I wake up after the third screaming sequence – her expression is mean and threatening and she lets me know this will have consequences.

THANK YOU Holy Spirit for this dream! It does not take many minutes to recognize how I am the manipulating girl: it was a survival mechanism for my first 20 years. Now Grace has showed me the very make-up of it – very thorough work, this

Gradually I go deeper as H.S. is looking with me. There are layers:

First the terror at the abuse and insanity

Then, when I understand there will be no protection from this – and no comfort, no acknowledgment of what happens – I fall into a mode of survival: pleasing. I am “The Sweet Helpful Girl. “

Next time you meet a pleaser and cringe, be grateful instead – the cringe means that you have the same energetic pattern ingrained in your mind and nervous system, and now you can offer it up for correction and forgive it.

All of that sweet pleasing is covering up pure murderous rage – which has to be completely denied for both child and parents and siblings for the charade to continue. And since the hatred cannot be directed outward, it turns back on US.

The stage is set for grand manipulation.

No wonder we get sicknesses – being under such tremendous unconscious attack all the time. No wonder cancer could manifest inside this body that mirrored a mind that harbored so much self-hatred.

It is wonderfully releasing to realize this pattern – at last FEEL it as energy. As long as I unconsciously judge and repress this energy within me, it cannot be forgiven and released. And it will be mirrored back to me from outside, by people who pour their blame on me. That happens rarely to me these days, which is a nice sign

As I write this, I yawn and fart and tears comes, muscles twitch, more releasing

The manipulating girl in the dream – who comes for “therapy” to me – is of course me. I see her now, giggling – she has my face, which is proper. There is freedom and light in the image now

Her threat was real: it WOULD have had dire consequences for my health and well-being to allow this old pattern to wreak havoc any longer.

The beauty is: three times in my life -in my thirties – has people said that they feel something manipulative in me. That was done in a group therapy, and was always immediately denied by other participants who comforted me and told me not to mind these screwed up people.

No: they were absolutely sane, and honest, and brave to say this and then be attacked by the group. Their accusation was acutely felt – and I believe that if I never had been pointed to this, I may have overlooked it.

Thanks to Grace who always is thorough. When I offer my willingness to look, she really opens it up

*

More about this in  my book “When  fear comes home to Love” on this blog – and also ways to dissolve these  deeply unconscious demonic structures in our mind and nervous system.

Electronic applause

It is not what “the other” does – its about how this “something/happening” mirrors something in me that I have pushed under.
Many times lately I experience how people/craftsmen are not honest. I am being “tricked.”
“All the ways I have tricked myself…” Ouch
So I sat down and did this TAT ( the words just came:)

All the ways I have tricked myself  into accepting the blame for others’ wrongdoings

Immediately a strange  electronic sound is heard from the door: it is my wireless electronic doorbell. And the beauty does not end there: there are 4 possible tunes to choose from. This was NOT the one I had programmed:)
That’s how strong that energy was, in that sentence – in that truth:

All the ways I have tricked myself  into accepting the blame for others’ wrongdoings

In short, all the ways I had pretended to be something I am not: a guilty  somebody instead  of a holy Son of God, as the Course in Miracles names our Self.

Working through an old story

Uncanny how we are able to direct the electronics around us to play on team with the lessons we need. My pattern is to have people treat me disrespectfully, come late to appointments, or “forget them.” This gives the old story a chance to insert itself on anybody I am communicating with in my surroundings. “This ALWAYS happen to me.” This time 2 plumbers acted it out perfectly for me.-I knew I was stuck in an old story, and had worked for a whole day with praying to see it differently, being willing to forgive myself for my creation etc. It was exhausting, and it felt like doomsday – death, almost.

What I truly need to take in, is that my phone also played along with my unconscious need to be unjustly treated. So when he came – ½ hour after he had set the appointment, after having moved it 3,5hours later, I was livid. My story was affirmed, other people were NOT to be trusted. I was NOT being respected. He could at least phoned and let me know! And this time I was not willing to pretend that all was well, so I confronted him with 3 breaks of promises, not meeting to appointed times. No more meek sheep.

He told me he had got no messages on his voice-mail and no sms’s – that was strange since I had sent 1 of each. I told him I had given him my cellphone nr, he said he had not got it. He said he had sent messages on my answering machine, I said it had not made a sound, and I was in the same room as the phone.

The communication was 1) at first a tie – both defended their status as unjustly treated and innocent accused – then 2) we started to listen to each other 3) then, as he told how a plumber’s day is very unpredictable – like suddenly encountering a leak in the wall and the work taking 3 more hours – ahhh that killed a lot of paranoia – and I could tell him “I made up a lot of stories there” and he smiled and told me not to do that – and his boss had 2 days ago got a little girl, so that’s probably why he did not answer my mails – jeesh I could get that – and suddenly I stood in a shower of light: that old vortex of hatred , guilt slinging and blame just dissolved.

And we smiled and smiled, and when he left he shook my hand firmly and looked straight into my eyes.

And now comes the clou: although I had sat near the phone when he called and left 2 messages that he was going to be late, I had not heard a sound. And that phone gives a loud sound. I found the messages after he left LOL

It shows me how much push it was inside me to KEEP the story and be RIGHT – but he was right, and it felt just delicious. I guess all that praying and practicing for hours had an effect LOL

It reminds me of a similar happening  last Saturday: I was in town, and a brand new schedule – shining white – announced the tram departures to the address to a workshop. A man at the station pointed out that that train had stopped going to my destination 3 years ago! Now it went only one station.Still, that schedule was brand new I tell you. THIS story was another old one: “I am always tricked.” And this time, the miracle was there on the station as this young man – how could he know I was not taking the tram for only one station? I asked him that, he just smiled and took that one-stop-train to the end station “ The Castle-garden.”

Nice symbol, don’t you think?

So I took another train and allowed HS to direct me. When I finally reached the destination of the Workshop, even the map I had showed a wrong placement  in the road.

All this shows me the power of the mind to project the exact illusions that mirror what we have chosen as our “reality.” And as shown here – we easily bend physical laws to prove that we are right.

Now I thank God for the force of that unpleasantness: if there comes a next time where I want to be unjustly treated, I will shudder and say “No thank you. I choose love instead-”

PS: That plumber was dressed completely in red. Only when I saw this image just now on Facebook did I understand the deeper meaning of the  lesson to day

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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